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Original poster

DH and his refusal to get a permanent job.

123 replies

farendofafart · 16/12/2014 00:42

He has a good profession but values his 'freedom' above his responsibility to his family (me and 2DC). When he has (temporary) work he is reasonably well paid but a lot of the time he hasn't got work.

We actually separated (my decision) earlier this year due to this and other issues. (The other issues are bigger but I don't want them to cloud this post because I'm trying to work out my stance on just this issue.)

His lack of paid work since the separation has meant that maintenance payments have been almost non existent. In fact I have been lending him money to survive. He is working at the moment but he hasn't paid me back the money he owes me and still hasn't paid any maintenance, because he is still catching up with all the bills he couldn't pay when he had no work. He has barely contributed to the children's Christmas presents.

So I asked him tonight if he would be looking for permanent work at his new temp workplace (which he says is really nice) and his response was a flat no. He wants his freedom. He doesn't want a permanent job, ever. This is a man in his 40s, married with young DC, a shed load of debt not including the mortgage, no pension and no savings.

We had been working towards an eventual reconciliation. I just feel so let down now.

Thanks for reading. I had to write all this down so I could see it clearly. He's never going to be the man I need him to be, is he?

OP posts:
MyFabulousBoys · 16/12/2014 00:46

No. And you need to stop enabling that behaviour too. Stop giving him money. Get a deed of separation drawn up and ensure your finances are separate and then work on getting yourself as financially strong as possible because your dh is a feckless irresponsible tosser.

If this is one of the smaller problems then you really should be looking to make your separation permanent. He sounds pathetic. Sorry.

Good luck. You and your children deserve better.

Fuckmath · 16/12/2014 00:47

He's a child

Stop lending him money - he doesn't deserve it when he's not even paying maintenance!

What a selfish arse

kickassangel · 16/12/2014 00:54

He is a cocklodger and will never, but never do anything to support you or the children.

30somethingm · 16/12/2014 01:04

Do you work? Does he want to be more of a SAHD? You need to resolve these issues and come up with long term financial goals.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 16/12/2014 01:07

He needs to grow up and accept joint responsibility for putting food on the table, a roof over his DCs heads, etc. etc.

Whether to work or not should not be a choice for a healthy, capable adult with dependants.

Of course, if a person can't find a permanent job then that is an entirely different scenario.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 16/12/2014 01:15

Fgs, don't get back together with this precious little twat

He's just too special for this world, isn't he ? Beneath him is it to step up and be a father to his kids ?

You are being a fool to enable him and I daren't even ask what the other issues are

Cut him loose...you would be better off without him

Let some other lovestruck woman enable his selfish cocklodging

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/12/2014 01:43

"In fact I have been lending him money to survive. "
Or to put it another way, shielding him from the consequences of his choices?

"We had been working towards an eventual reconciliation."
Well, you were working towards it. Sorry Sad, but I very much doubt if he was.

OP, you've said this is not the only issue causing problems. Well, IMO, even without the other issues, this would be a dealbreaker for me. It isn't that he can't support his family, it's that he WON'T. Little better than a parasite, really. So sorry.

CheeseBuster · 16/12/2014 01:55

Erm... Has he always been like this? There is that saying that a woman marries a man and tries to change him and he doesn't etc...

If he's always been like this he's unlikely to change now. Stop lending him money and break it off completely, what a reconciliation going to do but give him more pocket money?

AdoraBell · 16/12/2014 02:11

No, he is never going to be the man you need, and probably never was.

As others have said, stop lending him money. You are throwing good money after bad and taking money away from your DCs by giving money to him. And he allows you to do take that money away form your DCs. This speaks volumes.

How much of his vast amounts of free time does he spend with the DCs?

AcrossthePond55 · 16/12/2014 03:24

He doesn't pay regular maintenance and you lend him money. Win/win for him, lose/lose for you.

You need that money to support your own household, not his.

notespeller · 16/12/2014 04:22

sorry but I can only see that you'd be happier (and better off) without him.

He is selfish and pathetic.

Give him nothing!!! Just concentrate on you and DC.

Rebecca2014 · 16/12/2014 07:18

You say this isn't even your biggest problem yet this reason alone would be enough to leave someone.

I know what he gets from being with you, but what about the other way round? Do you realize how desperate you must look to him? oh she pay my way and put up with all my bullshit.

Fairylea · 16/12/2014 07:26

No just no. What a mess. Stop lending him money, any money. You are enabling him and if he is missing maintenance payments he can go sing for money quite frankly.

I am all for people working together as a couple where one works and the other is a carer or sahm but to not work in a permanent role just because he fancies a bit of freedom is just plain immature and silly.

ArchangelGallic · 16/12/2014 07:29

What does he want to do with the freedom?

Personally I want the freedom to not worry about bills, buy what I want and go on holiday. That means I have to work full time. With freedom comes responsibility.

DaisyFlowerChain · 16/12/2014 07:55

If you work full time, then you are not being unreasonable to expect him to do the same and share the financial burden. It's fine to temp or do supply of work is plentiful but with children a fixed income is better.

If you don't work or just do a few hours, then you can't demand he does anything work wise as the same "rules" should apply to you both. It's a little 1950's to expect him to work to support you.

Original poster
farendofafart · 16/12/2014 07:56

Thanks for replies.

He was a SAHP to DC1 for two years. It was an arrangement of convenience more than anything - his latest temp job had ended, he had nothing else lined up, my mat leave was ending so I had a full time job to support us.

After DC2 was born I asked if we could swap roles so I could try SAHP. He agreed and secured a permanent position for himself, so I gave notice and left my job. After a year or so he decided he hated his job (fair enough) but to my horror he handed in his notice and did not apply for any other jobs! He wanted to go back to temping. But of course by now, he was (for the first time in his life) the main breadwinner and I knew we couldn't afford the uncertainty.

What does he want to do with his freedom? He wants to pick and choose where he works, not have to deal with the background admin that goes with the job when in a permanent role, and he wants to be able to take a day off whenever he has an opportunity to work in his preferred industry (performance) although this industry is never going to yield a living income.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/12/2014 07:58

No he is not going to be the man you want him to be - and likely never was either. You may have been working towards a reconciliation but he clearly was not.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships here; surely not this crap role model of one.

I would read up on co-dependency within relationships and see how much of that resonates with you as well. I hate to think what the other problems are; perhaps alcohol, other women etc.

Make the separation a permanent one by divorcing this man and FGS stop giving him money as of now. Enabling him like that does not help him and gives you a false sense of control. Giving him cash is also taking money from your children's mouths.

Fairenuff · 16/12/2014 08:00

He will never change. Do not give him money. He is a leech.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 16/12/2014 08:02

Sorry, but he is never going to change and you don't need a man baby. I would forge ahead on my own if I were you.

JapaneseMargaret · 16/12/2014 08:07

Surely - surely! - life would be cheaper easier without him in it?

I don't understand why you're persevering with a reconciliation. He brings nothing to the table.

I do think one partner not in paid work is a valid option when it is discussed and agreed between two committed people, but only when that person is actively engaged with the DC and the running of the house.

DaisyFlowerChain · 16/12/2014 08:10

You wanted the freedom not to work though so can't really begrudge him wanting to work but with the freedom to choose where.

Given you have now both had a stint at being a SAHP (so child presumably at school) then surely as adults you can come up with a compromise going forward. You could find something stable whilst he has another couple of years finding a place he wants to stay as etc or do you just want him to work so you don't have too? Compromise is a two way street, perhaps he doesn't want to be the only earner anymore.

Where do you get money to give him if not working?

BrucieTheShark · 16/12/2014 08:11

Ugh what an irresponsible cock.

His 'freedom'? Well wouldn't we all? But we also like food, warmth and shelter.

Get your money back, stop lending it to him. Get legal advice or I bet you'll end up paying maintenance to him.

Most importantly, get rid.

DaisyFlowerChain · 16/12/2014 08:21

Brucie, presumably somebody else is paying for the OPs food, warmth and shelter given she doesn't work.

At least he is working, just not to the OPs demanding standards.

I agree a permanent job is better than temping with children but given the OP doesn't want to work its a bit pot kettle black to slate him for wanting the freedom of temp contracts.

Windywenceslas · 16/12/2014 08:26

He's not going to change. Stop enabling him by giving him money. If he goes hungry it might make him go out and find work!

You would surely be better off without him. He sounds like an entitled arse.

TheGirlFromIpanema · 16/12/2014 08:27

Is he an extra/background artist waiting for his 'big break' OP? Sounds like it, and sounds like more than one or two that I know.

Keeping their options open so that if their agent says I have a days work they can take it. It's weird.

I've done it for years, but thats because my full time, permaent job allows me to work round it, and I get regular work at a studio very close to my home. I work with others who sound like your dh. One guy earns less usually than it costs him to travel to the studios Shock and he has a dw and a small child. I always wonder what she feels about that. It's pure vanity on their part.

It's enough on it's own to ltb imo.