DH and his refusal to get a permanent job.

[farendofafart]

He has a good profession but values his 'freedom' above his responsibility to his family (me and 2DC). When he has (temporary) work he is reasonably well paid but a lot of the time he hasn't got work.

We actually separated (my decision) earlier this year due to this and other issues. (The other issues are bigger but I don't want them to cloud this post because I'm trying to work out my stance on just this issue.)

His lack of paid work since the separation has meant that maintenance payments have been almost non existent. In fact I have been lending him money to survive. He is working at the moment but he hasn't paid me back the money he owes me and still hasn't paid any maintenance, because he is still catching up with all the bills he couldn't pay when he had no work. He has barely contributed to the children's Christmas presents.

So I asked him tonight if he would be looking for permanent work at his new temp workplace (which he says is really nice) and his response was a flat no. He wants his freedom. He doesn't want a permanent job, ever. This is a man in his 40s, married with young DC, a shed load of debt not including the mortgage, no pension and no savings.

We had been working towards an eventual reconciliation. I just feel so let down now.

Thanks for reading. I had to write all this down so I could see it clearly. He's never going to be the man I need him to be, is he?

Would you working ft and dhbeing sahp again work? Don't really know how you can reconcil otherwise. I don't yhink theres anything wrong with what hes dojng as long as you can afford this as a family and are in agreement.

Oh I see hes an alcholic, changes everything.

Just a thought; my DS1 is a musician. From age 18 to age 25-ish he pursued his 'dream'. Slept on sofas, lived in crowded flat doing odd jobs to enable him to play his music. He really sacrificed for his 'shot' at fame. Touring the USA and Canada in a 13 passenger van with 6 other guys with a cargo trailer. Sleeping in parking lots in the van or people's floors on the road. They gave it a good shot and they came close (recording contract & 5 CDs released but no 'hits'). But after 7 years he realized that it wasn't going to happen and got a 'real' job and does gigs at nights or weekends or occasional studio work, just to satisfy himself. In other words, he grew up.

Your DH needs to grow up, but he'll have to do that on his own. There are probably hundreds of thousands of would-be rock stars/actors/artists out there, and only 1% of them (if even that many) are going to make a good living at it.

If you were happy to support him and his efforts to pursue his dream then that's fine, I don't have a problem with that. Many people work hard to promote/support their struggling-artist spouse. But that's not what you want. You want a spouse who will shoulder his responsibilities. He's not going to do that. Now add in the alcoholism (not surprising in a thwarted artist). I think you know what lies ahead if you try to reconcile. Better to cut your losses right now whilst you're still in good financial shape.

"...He isn't calculatedly taking me for a ride, he just is very very irresponsible with money..."

He won't learn to be more responsible with money unless you stop baling him out, and make him face the harsh realities. If he has to sell his car and get an old banger, or give up his expensive phone contract, or maybe cut down on his drinking, this might be the kick in the pants he needs to start growing up.

I will say, though, alcoholics can change - my dh had a drinking problem, and hasn't touched a drop in over 6 years. But he had to hit a pretty low point, before he could make the decision to quit drinking.

In fact I have been lending him money to survive.

That's akin to giving an alcoholic a drink. STOP.

He doesn't drink while caring for the DC. It is very early evening and weekend mornings. DH is a late night drinker. His drinking hasn't stopped him working either, or at least not in obvious ways. I do think it has contributed to his general lack of motivation / ambition though.

Nevertheless, stop giving him money. If he hasn't earnt enough to keep himself, pay his bills (including his obligations to you) then he either earns more by taking a job like a million other people have to, or he signs on, like so many other people have to.

He is not King. The universe does not revolve around his desire to be an actor or whatever. If he can't earn a living at it, then he has to do what all other performers do and that is turn it into a hobby with the local am dram and get a proper job.

Believe me, I know thousands of failed actors, musicians and artists and authors - I grew up surrounded by them and spent most of my adult life with them, worked backstage in the business myself for years, both pro and am.

Youre right he probably wont change. I really feel for you I am in exactly the same position and was at divorce lawyer for 1st time yesterday.
My husband walked out 8 weeks ago after 27 years. For the last two years he has made excuse after excuse to avoid getting a paid job. My patience has run out and his excuses have dried up so he took off...
Your children will have no respect for him once they grow up if he has no work ethic. Highly unlikely he will change and you will just end up bitter and become a person you don`t recognise.
I wish you all the best -cut your losses now .

In fact I have been lending him money to survive.

I don't understand the concept of lending a spouce money. Shared resources and all that. You either have the money as a couple, or you don't, and if you do it gets spent. That's the way I thought relationships worked.

His actions sound like a passive form of abuse, not overt manipulation, but guilt trip manipulation. If you don't look after me, no one will and I'll just starve and die. Time to stop being a doormat, and the first step is to separate your finances and start funding your lifestyles as if you were separating. Maybe if you plan for being on your own with DC, it'll wake you up to exactly what you can and cannot do/afford yourself, and scare him into realising you have realised you are able to leave the relationship if you choose. At the moment it seems he thinks you think you're stuck with him, and he's like, "Why should I give a F? She isn't going anywhere."

I do actually have sympathy for both partners here. The issue that's not being addressed is the current economic/cultural situation which boils down to: art and creative stuff - or interesting, fulfilling work - are only for the rich, and everyone else must accept serfdom or starve. It used to be reasonably possibile to make a living out of music, writing, photography, etc. Now almost every outlet for creative work offers 'exposure' or 'credits' rather than money - people who used to be paid a decent wage for their words or photographs or illustrations or songs are being told that there's 'no budget' which translates as 'we will get some random desperate amateur to do a crap job for no money'. It used to be possible for talented and enthusiastic people to get a bit of work taking pictures/writing reviews/doing the makeup/making the tea and running errands to get a paid foothold in all the creative industries: now you have to pay to be an intern. Training to be a health care professional needs you to have a financial cushion or a rich family. Becoming a lawyer is going to involve a lot of unpaid or low paid work, and housing costs make it prohibitive.
It's also true that a lot of 'ordinary' jobs are now about short-term contracts and 'flexibility' - ie random hours and unpaid overtime at zero notice. Never mind the fact that a lot of jobs are completely fucking pointless in the first place (how beneficial to society is it for people to be obliged to earn their living by sitting in a call centre trying to make other people change their energy provider?)
And the OP's stuck with the childcare, which restricts her earning options further. SDon't give him any more money, OP. Make sure that you are getting everything in the way of tax credits that you are allowed. Good luck.

Agree, SGB. I said something not too dissimilar up-thread.

On the other hand, I have every respect for a person who gives 5 - 10 years to trying to make it in a creative industry, but surely there comes a time when you need to recognise that it probably isn't going to happen?

I did a humanities/arts subject at university and had to close my ears before graduation when lots of students were heading in the direction of stage-management, acting, publishing etc as I knew that I simply could not afford it and would not have the parental support to do so. From what I know, one man is now a moderately successful tv presenter and a woman did quite well in glossy magazines, but they were both extremely driven and well-supported, doing extensive periods of internship in tv/mags even while they were still undergraduates.

To add: they are outnumbered by those who have either given up or are still lurching between temp work and occasional contracts in their chosen field, with heavy subsidy from either parents or spouses - nearly two decades on.

But there are two jobs in question: one is his ongoing contracting role, the other is the creative job he does. I think the OP said that one of the reasons why he won't be tied down to a permanent post is that he wants to remain free so that he can dash off and do a day of (badly paid) acting/performing whenever that work comes along. Hence what SGB was saying ie. at one point it was much easier to make a living from the creative industries.

Sorry is he an alcoholic as in he knows it. Or is he a social drinker? But heavily? Are you labelling him? Or does it actually impact his work? Have bosses noticed hence more temporary places preferred?

There's a massive difference.

Choose co parenting by all means. But don't disillusion yourself that you are doing it together. You are not. You are a single parent. With some support. Now pull your act together. Focus. Do what you need to do.

Hi there. I have been really thinking about your situation and wanted to give my view.

I know lots and lots of actors. Some are married to other actors, some to non actors, some have stay at home partners.

Most, when they have children do what they can to provide for their family without 'giving up'(acting). 'Giving up' by getting a full time job is a big big thing for actors. It is a balancing act though, finding a way to survive.
I know one guy who has done the same temping job for 10 years.
I know someone else who refuses to do any other job other than acting but who is happy for his wife to work in a job she hates.
I know a couple who have lived in abject poverty with their child- 2 actors who rarely work.
I know an actor who works really hard long hours and travelling doibg corporate acting work. When his wife gets a rare theatre job, low pay, he takes on all the childcare too while she goes away working.

My point is that being an actor is a lifestyle choice as much as anything. You have to adapt when you get responsibilities though, and find a way to provide without 'giving up'.

One thing though is that your partner has to be on board and be part of that choice. Both sides have to compromise a bit. It sounds to me that you don't want this lifestyle and he does.

He should be temping as much as hecan, but a full time job seems to be a step too far for him. So choose your battles, push more temping, he really should be doing that.

Actors are certainly not immune to being twats, but I think you need to separate the twat side from the actor side.

Good post loveka

He needs to grow up and take responsibility for himself and his children.

Get him to go on Jeremy Kyle, he'd give him a piece of his mind!

A friends DP was also an "actor", a title he gave himself because he certainly didn't train as one. They lost the house because she couldn't pay the mortgage and there wasn't enough work for him to earn enough to pay it. Did he get a job, not on your life. I was there one day when she told a friend that he couldn't work for her (in acting) in a specific week, turning down £250 a day because something else just might come up. She got shot of him but that was after losing the house. My DD went to drama school and eventually most of them have to admit defeat and get another degree to secure work.

He's never going to be the man I need him to be, is he?
No he isn't and at the risk of sounding harsh, you are enabling him but bailing him out/giving him money.

It sounds like you are looking at a future without maintenance payment/support also. Keep every penny for yourself and your DC and let this grown up person fend for himself.