The Dating Thread 84.

[MadeMan]

Well, fancy seeing you here.

Might be part of the process for some.. and I've gone along with the process myself and am still sat here, maybe 100 dates later, not really any better off.

I'm quite happy on my own and don't care about getting an ego boost and putting myself out there.

So, I'm just going to do what I want.

I just don't think you ( and I include myself in that) can make any kind of connection while you are talking to 10 other people or have 5 other dates lined up for that week.noone is going to stick if I'm waiting to see what adam is like, or John or Peter who's taking me for cake next week.

Equally I don't want to waste my time on Chris who us talking to Susan an hour before our date.

It becomes less of a numbers game and more of a ships on the night game.

And I can't be arsed with it..

Polly, that makes total sense to me.

PollyIndia yes makes sense to me.

Roux. .also... I think this telling others it is part of the process is part of the problem and kind of perpetuates the sweet shop thing.

Doesn't have to be part of the process if you don't want it to be :)

There are so many articles on ' this is how you date. This is what you do' and it just makes a cycle of shit.

And among the genuine ones who are there just looking for someone and doing the set up as many dares thing. .. There are players or people that do it just because they like serial dating. I recognised this guy from the off as he has been on there a lot. Probably a serial dater looking for something he can't find because he won't take time to get to know anyone and is just trying to set his next date up so he has something to do on a Saturday night.

Can't be bothered.

I'd rather go on way less dates. Way way less dates, with someone who is interested in meeting me.

Vintagecrap makes perfect sense to me too (in my very limited and didn't actually go on any dates and have already hidden my profile and given up for a bit, experiences of OLD )

I want to enjoy getting to know someone and for them to enjoy getting to know me without feeling like part of a flock.

PollyIndia I agree with that too. I loved my xH dearly and was devastated when we seperated as I felt I was losing my best friend.

Now, there is also a tiny part of me that is relieved that I don't have to 'persevere' anymore and may have the potential to actually meet someone who fulfils my idea of what a complete partnership should be about (just need to actually go on a date first instead of cancelling them!!!)

It is very, very confusing and worrying
And it is...

But, I just keep contradicting myself and and overthinking the 'processes' so what do I know?

I'm not going to try to control the other end

Your annology isn't quite the same. If you met in rl, then you wouldn't know what they were up to and it wouldn't be out there for you to see.
Plus, you would probably have had some kind of connection to have got talking and got to the point of agreeing to a date.

It's really very different to swapping a few messages for a few days and agreeing to a coffee.
Also I don't know many men in their late 30 ' s or 40 ' s who are out both nights off the weekend like that or are that lucky! In your 20's maybe. But then dating in your 20's without children is a whole different kettle of fish.

I'm just discussing too. Honestly, I spent years believing in ' the process' and that's how it just is.

But last night When I saw he was online and then again this morning, I just thought why am I even bothering. I've painted my nails. Washed the perfect outfit. Got to shower and do my hair nicely. Make an effort with the make up. Drop dd off at her dads earlier for what?

I already know the outcome of the date as I have been in this exact position many times before. Many. Over 100.

It's stupid to keep doing the same thing over and over again. . I don't want to go on another 100 dates.

I want to go on less..way less. With men who want to meet me..

I want to go on less..way less. With men who want to meet me..

Yes to this

I hadn't been online for days.

My profile was actually hidden a week or so ago as I was coming off. I hate pof and told him so. He said the same and that he was just cancelling his account when he saw me. ( bullshit)

I logged on as I had a weird instinct. He was online most of last night and this morning from 630 am.

Bearing in mind we went to whats app and haven't chatted on there for days. And that ge said he was coming off....

Meh. I refuse to be part of the game.

I'm not going to get caught out by going on a date then left feeling crap when yoi see them back online an hour later. That is never a good feeling. Nor am I going to start worrying when they are online and haven't messaged me... While others dating tell me this is the process and how it is. Nor will I anguish over a short text a few days later, left wondering of I should reply or not or why he us still online all the time but took 3 days to respond to my reply.

I'm just opting out of all of that.

I'm not trying to control what he does but am instead choosing what I want.

And it will be less dates. And that's fine with me.

Less but better is always good in my book.

What you say resonates with me too vintage I could never imagine getting to 100 dates partly because I resent the time & effort that would need for it to come to nothing plus the dates where you wait till you can politely leave(!) I'm sorry you had to go through the whole process to find it didn't work & what you plan t do now seems more like what I happened to do - though I was also telling myself I need to restrict how invested I get before meeting [while getting to know them enough] but academic now as I can't seem to find anyone even to chat to

I think I just fell for all the dating advice. You know, be less picky, try different types. Give people a chance, can't say anything until it's official and that could be months down the line, in which time you aren't meant to care if they are dating others. The whole get yourself out there thing. It's a numbers game, kiss lots of frogs.

Bollocking to that. I've done less and less dating as I got more amd more disillusioned by it. Had a few 3 month ish relationships...would like to meet someone but just absolutely refuse to be a process or to engage with someone who treats me like an option.

If they want to date like that, then that is fine, and their choice. It's just not mine..

I agree that is very offputting Vintage - I would be inclined to do the same depending on what mood I was in towards the whole thing, it can get very wearing, it's different if it's all new and fresh but having been doing the OLD thing for ages now on and off I'm less likely to accept any crap. Having said that, none of it is real until you actually meet so I'd judge whether I still had an interest in meeting them had I not seen them online. Things could change after that first meeting if there is a spark. Until then, I'm afraid, it does seem like the sweet shop mentality is alive and kicking a lot of the time and it's got to accepted as part of the whole crazy world of OLD.

I'm barely online, I've just not got the interest in it. Have had a message from someone I went on one date with ages ago, he'd like to go out again, It was so long ago (2-3 years maybe, I can't really even remember him properly, well I remember him but not the details of the date (no drink involved, just disappeared from my consciousness!) Not good, but I think if that's the case I'm best not going back there. Has anyone else forgotten someone they went on a date with?!

Oh god, loads.

I had one message and chat to me. I thought he recognised me. .. He asked me out and then I said no..no point. He asked why and I said we had already had a date and if he hadn't liked me enough then to ask me out again then what would ne the point of doing it again. His reply ' oh yeah, but in your new photo I can see a bit of cleavage and I want a proper look at yoir chebs again'

Jesus wept.

Incidentally he is still on all dating sites going and messaged me the second I re joined.

Idiot.

I think you need a phone chat prior to any date anyway. I had a guy ask me to whatsapp (I don't even have it) so I told him I'd prefer a chat on the phone, he left his number and suggested texting. It's a bloody trap! I don't want to text with some guy I've never met, I have been down this road many times and it's pointless, 'good mornings and good nights and how's your day been's' from what is basically a stranger. No thanks!

For me now, and these are my own rules - message, exchange number to 'talk on the phone' - arrange date soon after if phone chat proves that we may have some common ground and he doesn't sound weird / boring / rough etc. No texts until we've met.

A phone call isn't a date though. It's a phone call

And then again if he was still doing the constantly being online thing, I wouldn't be interested.

But a phone call is definitely important before meeting. No amount of texting can make up for it

totally agree, plus the ones who are just there for ' dates, doesnt matter who they are with' will not want to talk on the phone and tend to want endless texting instead. a phone call being too much effort.

Hi ginandsonic. I'm new to this too ... scary!

Hey everyone,
Been following this thread for a while. I'm new to the dating scene after coming out of a LTR. Had my first date with a guy a few days ago but it didn't go as well as I'd hoped.

We met through online dating and had been texting for a while. I liked his personality but he seemed to be the sort that wanted to text constantly (I'm not really into that as I'm usually busy doing other things.) Our first date was in a nice pub. When I met him outside it was a bit awkward as he looked quite different from his pictures. I could tell it was him but he didn't look as attractive as he did in the photos. However, it's not all about looks so I put that aside and went into it with an open mind.

We had a drink and spoke for about 2 hours. Tbh I didn't feel a connection at all. His only interests seemed to be drinking and seeing his mates. Even on the date, he was getting constant group chat texts from his mates (I knew because his phone was on the table and he told me.) That's not necessarily a bad thing on its own but I don't think it would work long term.

I talked about recent holidays I'd been on (sightseeing trips in European cities) and he just screwed up his face and said "god, you really like culture, don't you?" which made me feel a bit patronised. He immediately went on to say he only ever goes on beach holidays and he's not an intellectual person. I don't know where he got that from as I never said I was either. Slightly random haha.

He mentioned his ex girlfriend (which I thought was a big no-no on the first date) and talked about how she's doing a uni course now and that they used to argue about it. He then talked about his family and how they are very messed up and half of them are on drugs, therefore he doesn't get on with them.

He seemed a bit put out that I wasn't drinking anything alcoholic. It was 3pm so I don't know if that was unreasonable. I found that I was running out of things to say so I was glad when the date ended.

That evening, he sent a text to arrange a dinner date. As I felt no real connection, I thought it would be best to just leave it. I said I'd have to let him know as I'm quite busy over the next week. He then replied "wow you ARE a busy girl aren't you" which confirmed my decision not to see him as I found that REALLY patronising and annoying.

Thought I'd share my story. It is awkward when you don't want to see someone again and I felt a bit rubbish saying I was too busy to see him. Yet I think it was the right thing to do. Might take a break from online dating for a while and see what happens.

I know i said i wasnt going to post on this thread again but after reading vintages posts i just wanted to come on and say in support of you vintage,,,,i wouldnt want to be part of a bakers dozen either.

He sounds a bit of a wanker, charlotte. Sounds as if it was definitely right not to waste your time!

Not a match for you charlotte. I would have just told him that, no need to make excuses at all.