Am I being selfish?

[thegumthief]

Kind of an AIBU, but too scared to post there! Have name changed as think DP knows my normal username. Sorry this may be a bit long but don't want to drip feed.

He and I have been together for four years. We started living together fulltime earlier this year. I have one ds who is ten.

I am very close to my parents and have always spent Christmas with them. Ds usually spends one day with us and one day with his dad. Since DP and I have been together he has spent Christmas with me and my family - this has been entirely his choice and I've never made him feel that he has to or that I expect it. His family live on the other side of the country (we are in South East England, they are in ne Scotland) so it has been partly convenience, I guess. Because they live so far away, I've only met them a handful of times and ds only once.

Anyway, a few weeks ago dp said that he wanted us all to go up to Scotland and spend next Xmas with his family. In all honesty I wasnt mad keen, but equally felt that it wasn't unreasonable on his part and agreed it would be ok. However, when I mentioned it to ds, he got really, really upset and begged me to talk to dp because he didn't want to go. He said that he didn't want to be away from his dad and his grandparents, and that he couldn't imagine spending Xmas without them and away from his home. I have honestly never seen him have such a strong reaction to a suggestion before . Dp's family, nice as they are, are virtual strangers to ds and I do understand his reaction.

However, I have no idea how to broach this with dp. He will be very, very pissed off. my mind keeps going back to after our summer holiday when we had a massive row because he said that I always put his wants last, and ride roughshod over what he wants to do in favour of what I (and ds) want (the examples he gave were that we didn't go to the beach one day when he wanted to, and I never buy his favourite yoghurt when I go shopping). I am genuinely worried about how he will take me saying that ds really doesn't want to go. I was awake all last night worrying about it.

Am I being selfish? Should I just make ds go? That feels really wrong, but at the same time I don't want dp to think I'm not taking him into account. I would happily go up the week before Xmas to see them but I don't think dp would go for that. I am absolutely dreading this conversation and would appreciate any advice.

thegumthief I think you're doing fine. Clearly there's some more talking to be done with your partner (and your son), but it's worth asking yourself some of the tough questions and being clear in your own mind before these conversations take place.

Life an relationships are all fluid. It's good to prepare--helps with having an easier life.

In the meantime, enjoy this Christmas with those you love. This doesn't have to be a deal-breaker and there's time to sort it out. Good luck b

My post was ignored but I do not understand why your son can't spend Christmas was his dad and you go up with your partner to Scotland??

Your question had already been answered right at the start of the thread rebecca

It seems like there are a few unknowns here:

Your partner may be a normal, more-or-less reasonable man who is being obstinate on this one issue, or he could be a fuckwit.

Your son could be genuinely terrified of changes to those parts of his life which have been constant, or he might be amenable to considering a Scotland visit once he's recovered from the initial surprise.

I think that you need to clarify these points further before you proceed with making any plans.

OP - I've seen more than one person suggest that you put a compromise to your partner, where you spend actual christmas with your family and then you all join his family in Scotland for the Hoggwash/New Year's celebration (or whatever it's called).

That's quite a big thing in Scotland (some of my friends have Scottish family), and that way you get the best of both worlds.

Alternatively, there's no reason why you can't celebrate Christmas twice - once the weekend before with your son's father and your family, and then actual christmas up in Scotland.

Or Christmas in Scotland and New Year's with your family.

You say that you aren't married to this man and don't owe him anything (I'm summarising), but at the end of the day you've been together for four years, and you now live together. That makes you a family unit. I would be seriously reconsidering a relationship if my partner told me that I either had to spend Christmas with their family doing their things, or on my own.

So in summary, yes I think you are being selfish. I can understand why, but there are a whole load of compromises to be had.

kaykay, my very first post says I would be happy to go up the week before. Or the week after, for that matter. I have also said that I will be talking to dp about a number of compromises.

I have never said that I 'don't owe him anything'. I have no idea where you got that fom.

The choice is not and never has been 'do as I say or spend Christmas on your own'. I was asked if I would have an issue with him going to see his parents without me and ds, and I said, quite truthfully, no I wouldn't.

You know, I have no problem whatsoever with being told I'm wrong, or selfish, or controlling, or a shit girlfriend/mother, or whatever - if it's on the basis of what I have actually written. But random made-up shit is quite irritating, tbh.

Hope you come to a good compromise.

Would you ever be prepared to spend Christmas with your partners family? You could suggest staying this year and going up next year after you've all made more effort to blend your families.

Op is talking about next year, Joy

Your son is 10.

There will be probably be very few Christmas's left where he voluntarily wants to spend lots of time with his extended family including his Dad, before he turns into a grunting monosyllabic teenager. Therefore on this issue I think your DS's needs do trump your DPs and rightly so - your DP is an adult and should be able to rationalise why this is your choice for now, not forever, but until DS loses the magic of Christmas.

If you feel you have to keep your DP happy then go to Scotland on your own with him and leave DS for a few days with his DGPs and DF. At least then it isn't upsetting your DS's normal Christmas routine.

For those who are saying that DCs should do what they are told, on this occasion I think you are wrong. DS has had to cope with his parents splitting up and new partner ( who doesn't seem altogether keen on him) moving in, that's a lot of change for a child, never mind sucking up a Christmas with strangers to keep your mothers boyfriend happy.

.

Op is talking about next year, Joy

apologies for being a tear would missed that!

What's the point of this angst now then?

You spend the next year blending your families and showing your son there is a benefit to having a bigger family so it won't be like he's going to stay with strangers. Also that there's a benefit to having the equivalent of 2 christmas days!

I don't see what the big fuss is about something that's over a year away when there's a lot that can change before then.

A 'No' before all this has been through would be bang out of order. Just make sure you all make a big effort throughout 2015 and reassess in sept next year.

DS has had to cope with his parents splitting up and new partner ( who doesn't seem altogether keen on him)

Where the hell does it say or imply that, rookie?

Personally I would forget all about it until about October 2015 and review the situation then. No need for all this grief, stress and angst THIS Christmas.

No need to swear sprink.

Ok so maybe the partner doesn't actively dislike the DS but things like being annoyed with the OP for putting her DS first ( well yes isn't that what a parent usually does) and having a strop because she didn't buy his favourite yoghurts and then putting the OP in a position where her DS will be away from his family at Christmas, doesn't suggest that he has the DS's best interests near the top of his agenda.

No reason why he should I suppose, isn't his DS, but certainly in the successful blended relationships I have seen the DP is very actively involved with the DCs and would think of what's best for them even if that doesn't necessarily coincide with what he wants.

In retrospect it is a long time away, someone suggested a summer trip to meet the DP's parents and that sounds like a great idea. DS might get on swimmingly with them and then be happy to go there for Christmas, or indeed he may not. Who can tell.

Oh and to many, particularly DCs, Christmas is a special and precious day. Having two of them in two different locations, with actual Christmas somewhere you don't want to be, sounds like baloney to me and I would imagine, to most 10 year olds.

gumthief - I did, in fact, RTFT before posting. I've copied below the things you said which gave me the impression that I had.

You said in your very first post that you would be happy to go to SCOTLAND the week before or after, but what's to stop you from seeing your family the week before or after, and spending actual christmas in Scotland?

You might not have explicitly said "my way or the high way" but if you say to someone "oh, you are free to do as you want my darling, but we will be spending christmas here" it's pretty much of a muchness, no? Either he spends it with you where you are, or without you.

I did specifically state that I was summarising - not once did I claim to be directly quoting you.

^We aren't married, we have no children together, he can come and go as he pleases and spend Christmas with whomever he wants. I, on the other, hand, have several competing responsibilities and demands at this time of year.

I don't think it's as simple as 'this is our family now', tbh. They are not ds's relations, and given the distance will never be much in his life. It's not as if dp and I are married and ds is our child, they are his grandparents etc.

I don't know. I was single for a long time before meeting dp and I think I've just got used to things being a certain way.

I would happily go up the week before Xmas to see them but I don't think dp would go for that.^

*rookietherednosedreigndeer" - the vast majority of my friends have two christmases, each spent with their respective parents. A number of them spend alternate christmases without their child.

It's part of the package that comes from divorce.

It's not so much baloney as a very normal occurrence.

Kaykay - that's fair comment, and I totally see that where the parents are in different places then two celebrations are required.

I guess the problem I had was with Joysmum's statement that having two christmases for a child would be a benefit.

In this case what it sounds would be best for the DS is to have one Christmas day which allows him to see his DF, DM and DGPs, to suggest that celebrating Christmas early then driving off to see a bunch of people he doesn't know for Christmas day is a good thing, seems a bit unlikely to me.

IME, allowing partners to "come and go as they please" always causes trouble as you never behave as a family unit and it causes resentment when they choose not to do what you want! I have seen situations where W tells H to do what he wants, he says thanks very much and buggers off to do whatever and then W is upset and resents the fact that H is not around. Sigh. Relationships require compromise...

Why is your partner making a big issue of next Christmas now?

Is he testing you to see whether you'd choose him or your son? Perhaps he feels competitive with him. He's throwing his weight around he thinks to establish authority, but is just being a dick. With all the yoghurt and beach nonsense it sounds like you've got a new son...

Of course your son should spend next Christmas with his dad and gps, I don't see why he should spend it with a bunch of strangers. If I were your son I would have none of it.

It's all rather irrational OP so I wonder what's behind it.

twinklestein - but is it really irrational? Her son is 10, not 4.

She lives together with her partner. They are to all extents and purposes, a family unit. Is it really so bizarre that he would want to share christmas with his family and his new family? Is it so weird to want a compromise where a celebration is spent with her family beforehand or after, but actual christmas day - just for once - is spent with his?

What does it matter if her son spends christmas the weekend before doing what he is familiar with, and then having a second one up in scotland?

They're not just random people off the street - they're her DP's parents!! If the OP plans to have a ltr with this man, then they are going to be in her life.

Who are DPs parents to the son though? He doesn't know them from Adam.
They're not a real family unit, they've not even been living together a year yet. And tbh on his current behaviour I'd wouldn't be surprised if it doesn't last.

It the son were 4 it would actually be easier, he wouldn't have been around very long and he wouldn't remember his first couple of Christmases. By 10, you have your Christmas traditions established and your own preferences.

If the OP wants to go and spend Christmas with her partner then the son can stay with his dad and gps. As people have said it's common for divorced parents to do every other Christmas Day.

You're right kaykay - the boy is 10 ( or is it 9 this year I'm not too sure).

In a few years he'll turn into a teenager and probably not care so much where Christmas is held, provided he isn't required to be up too early or take part in the proceedings. But for the minute he is very much a child rather than a teenager or young adult.

He didn't choose for his parents to split up or for his DM to get a new partner and move him in, as a child he gets very little choice at all, but for once ( and this is apparently rare) he is expressing a strong preference which is to spend Christmas with his real family. The DP may feel that the OP and her DS are his new family, but the DS already has a DM and a DF so I'm not sure that's correct.

In my mind the OP's desire to do what her DS wants is correct. I just feel that blended families are really hard for DCs and we shouldn't expect them to be mini adults just to help their parents relationships along. Maybe I'm being too harsh though, it would be interesting to see how this would play out on the Step Parenting area.

We are now going up the week before

I spoke to dp, telling him that ds was upset and could we come to a compromise. I said I knew how important it was to spend time with his family too, but that I really wanted ds to be able to have the Christmas he wanted.

Dp said he had realised that I'd been worrying about it (although he didn't know I'd said anything to ds) and that he understood that that ds needed to see both his parents at Christmas. He had almost texted me about it that day but didn't think it was something we should talk about via text while he was at work!

I also asked him about the 'this is happening' comment. He said that he was just fed up with XH changing plans at the last minute (which he does a lot) and just meant that he wanted our plans - whatever they ended up being - not to be messed up at the last minute by XH fucking around and me giving in. He didn't mean 'we are spending Christmas day with my parents whatever happens'...

Anyway...what have I learned from this? To communicate better! And, actually, to trust dp to have both of our best interests (mine and ds's) at heart, because I do think he does. He doesn't always get it right, but then nor do I.

I think 'blended families' are tricky for both of us, not just for him. I definitely need to be more open to dp's family and see them as more 'connected' to us.

So I'm actually quite looking forward to next Christmas now! Thanks everyone for your input - what may seem like a small thing has actually taught me quite a lot about how I behave in this relationship and given me lots to think about. If it wasn't for MN I would probably still be stewing about this...

Glad that you had a constructive talk about it and that this thread has been helpful gumthief

Yay, great update :)

I'm in a blended (blended through 2 generation of divorces) family myself and my DD sees all of her 'new' family as her 'real' family.

It's been great for her as she has gained lots of extra people who dote on her and lots of different personalities she can draw from.

We do the 2 Christmases thing. Christmas with DHs remaining family and my mum, then a huge family get together with mine and my step family. My mum does 2 Christmases as she does it here with us and then goes after Christmas to her parents for their Christmas. It's great, we get multiple days to celebrate our family (which is what our Christmas is).

We aren't religious so christmas day is just an arbitrary date to us. What makes it is the traditions and family and we can do those any time. It just comes down to a positive attitude to see the benefits of doing it differently to the traditional one day as a religious holiday.