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Original poster

Am I being selfish?

151 replies

thegumthief · 15/12/2014 08:14

Kind of an AIBU, but too scared to post there! Have name changed as think DP knows my normal username. Sorry this may be a bit long but don't want to drip feed.

He and I have been together for four years. We started living together fulltime earlier this year. I have one ds who is ten.

I am very close to my parents and have always spent Christmas with them. Ds usually spends one day with us and one day with his dad. Since DP and I have been together he has spent Christmas with me and my family - this has been entirely his choice and I've never made him feel that he has to or that I expect it. His family live on the other side of the country (we are in South East England, they are in ne Scotland) so it has been partly convenience, I guess. Because they live so far away, I've only met them a handful of times and ds only once.

Anyway, a few weeks ago dp said that he wanted us all to go up to Scotland and spend next Xmas with his family. In all honesty I wasnt mad keen, but equally felt that it wasn't unreasonable on his part and agreed it would be ok. However, when I mentioned it to ds, he got really, really upset and begged me to talk to dp because he didn't want to go. He said that he didn't want to be away from his dad and his grandparents, and that he couldn't imagine spending Xmas without them and away from his home. I have honestly never seen him have such a strong reaction to a suggestion before Sad. Dp's family, nice as they are, are virtual strangers to ds and I do understand his reaction.

However, I have no idea how to broach this with dp. He will be very, very pissed off. my mind keeps going back to after our summer holiday when we had a massive row because he said that I always put his wants last, and ride roughshod over what he wants to do in favour of what I (and ds) want (the examples he gave were that we didn't go to the beach one day when he wanted to, and I never buy his favourite yoghurt when I go shopping). I am genuinely worried about how he will take me saying that ds really doesn't want to go. I was awake all last night worrying about it.

Am I being selfish? Should I just make ds go? That feels really wrong, but at the same time I don't want dp to think I'm not taking him into account. I would happily go up the week before Xmas to see them but I don't think dp would go for that. I am absolutely dreading this conversation and would appreciate any advice.

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 15/12/2014 10:46

I'm probably in a minority here but why drag yourself and your son all the way to the end of the country to spend Christmas with strangers? If your DP wants to join them them he is free to do so of course.

When I was a kid I was incandescent with rage even to have guests in our house that I didn't know, Christmas was just such a sacred, family time. If my mum had said we're off to the other end of the country to stay in a strangers house I'd have been utterly devastated.

Christmas is for kids. Surely adults who live together can cope with a few days apart so that everybody gets to spend time with the family that means most to them. You have the other 350 odd days in the year to have special times with your DP.

Joysmum · 15/12/2014 10:47

Because in most relationships christmas is alternated between each family. You've had 4 years with yours I think you said? If so its about time you all got time with his family.

Original poster
thegumthief · 15/12/2014 10:48

intlman - where am I not treating him equally? He has chosen, entirely of his own free will, to spend the last 3 Christmasses down here. I have not put any pressure on him whatsoever. We aren't married, we have no children together, he can come and go as he pleases and spend Christmas with whomever he wants. I, on the other, hand, have several competing responsibilities and demands at this time of year.

Maybe just a soft touch but I can't see much fun in a Christmas where the kids are unhappy and missing parents.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/12/2014 10:49

I would personally not want to spend Christmas with a bunch of people who I barely know and have met only the once. What does OP really know about his parents?.

He will feel more settled to spend Christmas with people he knows and loves, this is one of very few constants in this young person's life after all apart from his mother.

pictish · 15/12/2014 10:50

I'm probably in a minority here but why drag yourself and your son all the way to the end of the country to spend Christmas with strangers?

Um...because those 'strangers' are her partner's family and he loves them? Or does that not matter a fuck?

Missqwerty · 15/12/2014 10:51

Why don't you invite partners relatives to you? That way you all get to spend Christmas together

dreamingbohemian · 15/12/2014 10:52

intl but they've only been living together less than a year, and the OP said:

"Ds has had a very disrupted couple of years with a lot of change and he said last night that he didn't want any more."

So I don't see this as a situation where they've been stable and blended for a long time -- DS is still adjusting. That's why I think DP should be patient for a while longer, in a year or two things might be completely different.

As for looking for equality in a relationship -- DP is a grownup, DS is a child. They are not equal and OP should not treat them equally. DP can go on his own to his parents, she's not stopping him. I don't think highly of someone who would cause great distress to a child just so he can have his own way and be top of the pecking order or whatever. He needs to be more patient and get DS on board, not order them around.

pictish · 15/12/2014 10:52

Attila neither would I. I'd not look forward to it and think of it as a dreadful drudge, but tough luck me, because being part of a couple is about making those sorts of compromises.
Most of us just get on with it with good grace.

LineRunner · 15/12/2014 10:53

The DP only moved in with you this year, OP, I think? So still quite a lot of change for your son to be processing I imagine.

dreamingbohemian · 15/12/2014 10:55

Surely adults who live together can cope with a few days apart so that everybody gets to spend time with the family that means most to them.

Totally agree and this is the reality for lots of families these days.

DP chose not to go home for several years, it's not OP's fault he hasn't been.

Original poster
thegumthief · 15/12/2014 10:58

He moved in 'for good' this summer, yes. The previous twelve months he was studying in Scotland and the year before that he was spending a lot of time here but not 'official' iyswim?

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 15/12/2014 10:58

The DP is free to spend Christmas with the family he loves, I said that. Why does he need his partners son to be there? If the son is unlikely to get beyond polite acquaintance with the step 'grandparents' then why make him spend Christmas with them?

Why should anybody have a difficult, socially awkward Christmas far from home when they don't have to? It's not as if the DPs parents will be desperate to see the OP and her DS. it's their son they want to see.

ExtraVolume · 15/12/2014 10:59

Children of divorced parents need stability. If this went to mediation or court I would be very surprised if they didn't insist on sticking with the status quo of seeing both parents each and every Christmas. Mum's new partner's feelings wouldn't come into it. Perhaps the father in this case wouldn't push things that far but worth bearing in mind.

I'm a single parent and I know I will always be stuck here for Xmas, its just part of splitting up.

OP your new partner sounds like a bit of an arse from what you have posted, perhaps he isn't but just be careful you haven't swopped one abusive partner for one of another flavour.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/12/2014 11:00

OPs man has stated that "this is happening" whether or not DS's dad had any objections or not. No compromise there nor backing down. Its what he wants (again).

Your son has gone through an awful lot in his young life and it is in his interests as well as yours to keep some constants in it going. You are his constant and so is his time spent with your parents at Christmas.

intlmanofmystery · 15/12/2014 11:02

Sorry gumthief, your original post refers to the summer holiday arguments and issues with shopping and the fact that you always do what you and DS want etc and now this. Sounds like your DP does not FEEL that he being treated equally, whether he is or not. This will build resentment if he is in a relationship and doesn't feel that he is being listened to or his POV being considered. How would you feel if DP went to Scotland on his own without you? How would it affect your relationship? It sounds like he wants you to be a family...

dreamingbohemian · 15/12/2014 11:04

If he's only moved in this summer then your DS is still getting used to him, of course it's too early to be all 'this is happening'. DS may feel totally different a year from now.

Original poster
thegumthief · 15/12/2014 11:07

I honestly, honestly, wouldn't mind if he decided he wanted to go on his own. I would understand and he'd go with my blessing and we'd have a second Christmas when he came back!

I do get that for 'outsiders' it might seem as if I am digging my heels in unnecessarily. I would grit my teeth and go (and probably have a perfectly nice time when I got there) if it was just down to me, but it's not. Ds's face was heartbreaking when he realised he wouldn't see his dad or his grandparents at Christmas. I know that probably sounds odd to some but the idea of saying 'suck it up kid, this is what dp wants' is just, well, alien to me. But maybe that's my problem.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 15/12/2014 11:07

I wouldn't be going and I know my husband wouldn't ask or rather tell me the score Hmm

Can you not just offer a couple of compromises? Tell him he can go by himself.. he's obviously missing his family Christmases or you'll do Christmas as usual and go up for new year.. plenty time to book somewhere for that.

If he doesn't like it then tough toodles.

pictish · 15/12/2014 11:10

It's not as though he'd never see his dad again fgs!
Too much onus on the date going on here. There's nothing to stop your son and his dad having an alternative day for Christmas either before or after the 25th.

My friend's two children are both spending xmas with their prospective fathers this year, as it is their turn, while she and her partner are off to Paris for 5 days.
They are having their family Christmas together on the 21st.
What's wrong with that?

No big deal.

dreamingbohemian · 15/12/2014 11:12

the idea of saying 'suck it up kid, this is what dp wants' is just, well, alien to me. But maybe that's my problem

No, it's not your problem!! You can tell your kid to suck it up if he wants pizza and DP wants Chinese, or if your kid wants to watch X and DP wants to watch Y. I think your instinct is correct that you don't tell your kid to suck it up and have a miserable Christmas just because your DP insists he can't go home on his own.

If there is a bigger problem where you both need to take DP's wishes more into account, then you can work on that, but focus on the day to day things, not Christmas.

dreamingbohemian · 15/12/2014 11:14

pictish, so why can't her DP go to his family on the 27th, if the date doesn't matter?

Surely it's easier for an adult than a child to understand that the 25th is an arbitrary date

pictish · 15/12/2014 11:16

Is it? He'll be 11 by then, not 3.

The dp wants his family to be prioritised the once, and I think that's ok.

MorrisZapp · 15/12/2014 11:17

Pictish, why is it more important that the OP spends Christmas with her DP rather than do what her son wants? And why should the adults respect the date but the kid be expected to have a pretend christmas on another date?

I don't even see a dilemma here. If my son didn't want to spend Christmas with strangers that would trump anything DP could say to me. I'd very happily have xmas without DP in order to keep my child happy.

That seems a much more normal order of priority at Christmas to me.

MorrisZapp · 15/12/2014 11:18

His family are adults.

museumum · 15/12/2014 11:18

I think that your ds needs to get to know your dp's parents (providing your dp is around for the long-term) and how lucky that he gets introduced to a new place and slightly different culture. Your ds will never want to go to scotland and see your dp's parents if he doesn't start going and get to know them and their home and their traditions.

Presumably you're flying? London to Aberdeen? If so, I think you need to come back on boxing day perhaps and have boxing day with your parents. An early morning flight will have you home by 10am.
Or, if you really can't bear it, then go to Aberdeen on boxing day for a couple of days.

Either way, I think you have to do both sets of parents if you want your dp to be part of your family and therefore his parents to have a relationship with your ds. Otherwise, your dp is just this bloke in your and ds's house :(