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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being selfish?

151 replies

thegumthief · 15/12/2014 08:14

Kind of an AIBU, but too scared to post there! Have name changed as think DP knows my normal username. Sorry this may be a bit long but don't want to drip feed.

He and I have been together for four years. We started living together fulltime earlier this year. I have one ds who is ten.

I am very close to my parents and have always spent Christmas with them. Ds usually spends one day with us and one day with his dad. Since DP and I have been together he has spent Christmas with me and my family - this has been entirely his choice and I've never made him feel that he has to or that I expect it. His family live on the other side of the country (we are in South East England, they are in ne Scotland) so it has been partly convenience, I guess. Because they live so far away, I've only met them a handful of times and ds only once.

Anyway, a few weeks ago dp said that he wanted us all to go up to Scotland and spend next Xmas with his family. In all honesty I wasnt mad keen, but equally felt that it wasn't unreasonable on his part and agreed it would be ok. However, when I mentioned it to ds, he got really, really upset and begged me to talk to dp because he didn't want to go. He said that he didn't want to be away from his dad and his grandparents, and that he couldn't imagine spending Xmas without them and away from his home. I have honestly never seen him have such a strong reaction to a suggestion before Sad. Dp's family, nice as they are, are virtual strangers to ds and I do understand his reaction.

However, I have no idea how to broach this with dp. He will be very, very pissed off. my mind keeps going back to after our summer holiday when we had a massive row because he said that I always put his wants last, and ride roughshod over what he wants to do in favour of what I (and ds) want (the examples he gave were that we didn't go to the beach one day when he wanted to, and I never buy his favourite yoghurt when I go shopping). I am genuinely worried about how he will take me saying that ds really doesn't want to go. I was awake all last night worrying about it.

Am I being selfish? Should I just make ds go? That feels really wrong, but at the same time I don't want dp to think I'm not taking him into account. I would happily go up the week before Xmas to see them but I don't think dp would go for that. I am absolutely dreading this conversation and would appreciate any advice.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 15/12/2014 08:59

If partner needs to go to Scotland for xmas, there is nothing stopping him

Op has responsibilities to her son, and they take priority, IMO

Original poster
thegumthief · 15/12/2014 09:02

The food thing is a separate, and hopefully now sorted, issue. I think it was just frustration on his part. I have supported him financially for much of our relationship and so have had to keep a tight budget on things - hence not buying lots of random stuff at the supermarket! Our finances are more level now that he is in fulltime work.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/12/2014 09:03

Your son is 10; spending each Christmas to date with his grandparents and dad seems to me to have been one of the few constants in his life. Small wonder he does not want that to change and I am not altogether surprised that he has said what he has.

Original poster
thegumthief · 15/12/2014 09:04

They haven't actually invited us, as far as I know, although am sure they would be happy to have us! It's dp saying that's what he wants to happen next year.

He told me last night that 'it was happening' whether or not ds's dad had any objections.

OP posts:
Original poster
thegumthief · 15/12/2014 09:06

I think that too, attila, though I do get that it's hard to understand if that's not been the case for you or your family dynamic.

OP posts:
LineRunner · 15/12/2014 09:07

Then he's a knob.

Jackie0 · 15/12/2014 09:07

Well if the dad has objections they will have to be listened to and taken on board.
His dad is his dad ffs, who does your dp think he is laying down the law like this?
I'm liking your dp less and less. Doesn't he understand shared parenting at all?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/12/2014 09:08

Did he move in with you?.

Was he also previously in the habit of buying a lot of random items at the supermarket as well?. The man's moaned at you previously about you not buying his fave yogurt!. You're not his mother!.

Jackie0 · 15/12/2014 09:09

I wouldn't have any man telling me " it was happening".
Fuck that

LineRunner · 15/12/2014 09:10

If my Ex told me he was taking my son away for Xmas to his partner's family, many hundreds of miles away, because the partner said it was happening whether I liked it or not, I would be seeing a solicitor.

And thinking that the partner was trouble. Big trouble.

Original poster
thegumthief · 15/12/2014 09:12

Yeah, he moved in with me and ds.

I think the difficulty is that it's very much not shared parenting, unfortunately. Ds's dad is...complicated...and dp has seen me tearing my hair out over him. He is very erratic and unreliable. To be absolutely fair to dp he has been there for ds at times when his dad hasn't, but ds still loves his dad, obviously.

Dp tells me I need to stand up to XH more, and he is right, but I am always trying to negotiate what's best for ds, which sometimes means 'giving in' to XH.

Argh. I just feel like screaming sometimes!

OP posts:
WannaBe · 15/12/2014 09:17

what is the arrangement for your ds to see his dad over Christmas usually?

IMO the grandparents and his wish to not be apart from them is irrelevant here - he can see them before/after Christmas and Christmas doesn't have to be a rigid thing every year, and it is also not unreasonable for your dp to be taken into account as well.

But your ds isn't unreasonable to want to see both parents over Christmas if this is the usual arrangement.

My dp likes to see some of his family over Christmas, and if this ties in with when ds is with me then he is expected to go. Children don't get to decide who they do and don't want to see, but my one unbreakable rule on this is that I wouldn't compromise on Christmas day itself as ds likes to see both me and his dad then so that day is unmoveable at this stage.

Could you perhaps agree to go up on boxing day and spend Christmas day as a family just you dp and ds and ds see his dad when he ordinarily would?

I don't think your dp is wrong to feel that his wishes are never taken into account, and while an argument over groceries may seem petty it may just have been the straw which broke the camel's back....

despicableshe · 15/12/2014 09:17

In response to the title of this thread, no I don't think you're being selfish. You're trying very hard to consider the best thing for all concerned.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/12/2014 09:20

"He told me last night that 'it was happening' whether or not ds's dad had any objections"

What a charmer this man of yours is, who died and made him king?. I am certain your son's dad would have something to say about that pronouncement as well.

LineRunner · 15/12/2014 09:23

Not selfish, no, but possibly looking for the path of least resistance.

Original poster
thegumthief · 15/12/2014 09:26

Thanks despicable Smile

wannabe - the arrangement this year is that ds is going to his dads on Christmas eve, and will have Christmas morning there, and then at lunchtime Christmas day I will pick him up and we will go to my parents' for lunch.

The trouble with going up on Boxing Day is that it's a bloody long way Grin and really not safely driveable in a day, but I do take your point.

OP posts:
Original poster
thegumthief · 15/12/2014 09:27

Yes, you're rght, linerunner. But something will have to give!

OP posts:
WannaBe · 15/12/2014 09:27

I think to be fair to the dp here, if the ex is generally unreasonable and unreliable and eratic then perhaps the dp is reacting by saying "it's happening whether he likes it or not" because he's used to perhaps the op making changes at the last minute or giving in to ex's wishes for an easier/quieter life. It's impossible to judge that comment in isolation without knowing the dynamic between the op and her ex, but from what the op has said above her ex does sound difficult but for all the wrong reasons iyswim.

LineRunner · 15/12/2014 09:27

How about going for Hogmanay?

Original poster
thegumthief · 15/12/2014 09:29

That's exactly it, wannabe.

Dp is not a bad guy by any means but I think he sometimes feels he has to 'put his foot down'. This, it seems, is one of those times.

OP posts:
diddl · 15/12/2014 09:31

Or they come to you?

Could your parents also come to you or do they have others visiting?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/12/2014 09:34

"But something will have to give!"

That cannot be you; you are the parent who has been the constant in his life to date. His father is no longer a constant in his life and your current man seems to only think primarily and firstly of his own wants and needs.

It seems that both these men have really something in common; they have underlying issues of selfishment and entitlement with you as a result being put in the middle.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 15/12/2014 09:34

"it's happening"? Hmm

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 15/12/2014 09:35

If any man said that to me, the heels would dig in.

OP you decide what is best for your son and you.

LineRunner · 15/12/2014 09:36

I still wouldn't behave the way your partner has. These things have to be discussed with children, especially one old enough to be at secondary school next Xmas. And discussion involves listening and not just telling. And your Ex does have a right to a view, I think.

You are probably heading for massive resentment otherwise, just to keep your partner sweet.