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Original poster

Am I being selfish?

151 replies

thegumthief · 15/12/2014 08:14

Kind of an AIBU, but too scared to post there! Have name changed as think DP knows my normal username. Sorry this may be a bit long but don't want to drip feed.

He and I have been together for four years. We started living together fulltime earlier this year. I have one ds who is ten.

I am very close to my parents and have always spent Christmas with them. Ds usually spends one day with us and one day with his dad. Since DP and I have been together he has spent Christmas with me and my family - this has been entirely his choice and I've never made him feel that he has to or that I expect it. His family live on the other side of the country (we are in South East England, they are in ne Scotland) so it has been partly convenience, I guess. Because they live so far away, I've only met them a handful of times and ds only once.

Anyway, a few weeks ago dp said that he wanted us all to go up to Scotland and spend next Xmas with his family. In all honesty I wasnt mad keen, but equally felt that it wasn't unreasonable on his part and agreed it would be ok. However, when I mentioned it to ds, he got really, really upset and begged me to talk to dp because he didn't want to go. He said that he didn't want to be away from his dad and his grandparents, and that he couldn't imagine spending Xmas without them and away from his home. I have honestly never seen him have such a strong reaction to a suggestion before Sad. Dp's family, nice as they are, are virtual strangers to ds and I do understand his reaction.

However, I have no idea how to broach this with dp. He will be very, very pissed off. my mind keeps going back to after our summer holiday when we had a massive row because he said that I always put his wants last, and ride roughshod over what he wants to do in favour of what I (and ds) want (the examples he gave were that we didn't go to the beach one day when he wanted to, and I never buy his favourite yoghurt when I go shopping). I am genuinely worried about how he will take me saying that ds really doesn't want to go. I was awake all last night worrying about it.

Am I being selfish? Should I just make ds go? That feels really wrong, but at the same time I don't want dp to think I'm not taking him into account. I would happily go up the week before Xmas to see them but I don't think dp would go for that. I am absolutely dreading this conversation and would appreciate any advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
thegumthief · 15/12/2014 09:36

We live in a weeny flat without a proper dining table, so no unfortunately not! I'd genuinely love to host Christmas but it's not doable. Plus my mum is unwell and doesn't really leave the house anyway, hence us always going there. Sorry, I do realise this all sounds a bit drip-feedy.

I did think of suggesting to dp that his parents came down and stayed in a hotel and then we went out for lunch etc (they are much more 'mobile' than my parents) but I don't think he'd be up for that.

I really have to do some Big Thinking about all this...

OP posts:
Original poster
thegumthief · 15/12/2014 09:37

Sorry, that was to diddl

OP posts:
Original poster
thegumthief · 15/12/2014 09:38

I do feel stuck in the middle, all the time. This has just brought things to a head for me, I think. I just keep trying to please everyone, which is impossible.

OP posts:
JuxaSnogUndertheMistletoe · 15/12/2014 09:40

I don't think it's at all unreasonable to alternate which family you spend Christmas with. Your dp is talking about 2015 so there is plenty of time. I do think that if you want dp and ds to be part of the same family then at some point ds has to spend some time with dp's family, as do you. otherwise the family you will have is you and ds, with dp hovering around the edge.

diddl · 15/12/2014 09:43

i agree with AF that your OH isn't coming across all that well.

I'm torn between thinking that if he wants to see his parents in Scotland then he should just go, so that your son can see his dad, and between thinking how nice that he's thinking of you as a family who should all go together.

Sometimes, separate Christmases are the only way.

Perhaps he could go for CD & you join him later?

LineRunner · 15/12/2014 09:44

OP, Xmas is terribly difficult when you have DCs from a previous relationship and new (as in subsequent) partners throw their own needs into the mix.

diddl · 15/12/2014 09:45

But that's another thing, isn't it?

If you three are a family, then his parents are part of that.

A lot of children alternate Christmases between parents.

WannaBe · 15/12/2014 09:50

thing is, the dp is part of the family as well now. While of course the children do come first, it is not unreasonable that the dp also feel that he has a place in this family.

If you look at the stepparenting boards there are threads upon threads about how partners won't stand up to their ex's/never do anything with the current partner because the children's wants are inflexible etc and consistently the message is that of course the new partner should be taken into account as well.

everyone in a relationship deserves consideration of their needs, not just the kids.

dreamingbohemian · 15/12/2014 09:52

I completely agree with Attila, your son clearly feels that Christmas is a happy constant in his life and doesn't want to change it. I think that is more important. It might be fine normally to say 'kids don't decide' but I think in this case it could be quite damaging.

There is nothing stopping your partner from going to his family at xmas on his own. It's not ideal but you can tell him it's not forever, in a year or two DS might like the idea more.

I also feel like it's his own fault he hasn't gone up there in a few years, nothing was stopping him before except he didn't feel like it. So it's not fair to put this pressure on DS just because your partner was too lazy to go up there until now.

I guess I would tell your partner this: I talked to DS and he was extremely upset about the idea of not having Christmas with his grandparents and his dad. It might be something that he will warm up to later, so I'm happy to discuss it with him again in a couple months and see how he feels. But I don't want to commit to going next year right now, because if he is still really distressed I am not going to force him to go.

If your DP gets angry and says you're choosing DS over him, just say that that's not true because it's not a competition -- but if he wants to make it one, then he's not leaving you any choice.

dreamingbohemian · 15/12/2014 09:58

Also, is there any chance you could all go up for a holiday to Scotland in the summer or something? So DS can become more familiar with it all, you can show him a good time, and then perhaps he will be more open to the idea (surely July is not too late to make plans for xmas).

If it is so important to your DP that you all go up there for xmas, then he needs to make that a goal and find a gentle way to make it happen, not just say 'it's happening' ffs...

WannaBe · 15/12/2014 09:59

has he been lazy though or has he spent Christmas with the op and her family because of taking account of the fact that the op has a child to consider?

intlmanofmystery · 15/12/2014 10:02

Who is the adult here? Do you do everything your DS wants? You have a whole year to get him used to the idea, this is just a knee jerk reaction. Sorry but it really winds me up when everyone's lives, plans etc are disrupted by pandering to a child. Sounds like you just want to get your own way and are using DS as an excuse.

Original poster
thegumthief · 15/12/2014 10:11

I think he has been taking account of ds, which is why I don't think his suggestion to go elsewhere next time is fundamentally unreasonable, and why, I suppose, I agreed to it without really considering it.

I don't think it's as simple as 'this is our family now', tbh. They are not ds's relations, and given the distance will never be much in his life. It's not as if dp and I are married and ds is our child, they are his grandparents etc. That's not to say that he shouldn't have a good relationship with them, and visit them etc, but I think christmas is ds's 'line in the sand', so to speak.

OP posts:
Original poster
thegumthief · 15/12/2014 10:13

Yes, I do absolutely everything my ds wants, and have no boundaries whatsoever Hmm

OP posts:
Fairylea · 15/12/2014 10:22

Perhaps to your dp he does want to see it that way though? - that you are as good as married, your ds is part of his family and therefore his parents are wanting to be a part of your ds life even if there is distance? Just thinking out loud and I may be wrong but perhaps wanting to go there is part of your dp wanting to introduce you and your ds to his family and solidify the link between you all.

I have a dd from a previous marriage and a toddler son with my now dh. We treat both the children exactly the same (eldest dd is 12) and he considers her his daughter. We have been together 4 years now. I wouldn't be with him if he felt any differently. We are very much a blended family unit - all income pooled, all spending money split equally and all decisions made together.

In your situation it sort of seems like it's you and your ds, and then your partner. Like two separate family groups. Maybe that's not what your dp wants?

intlmanofmystery · 15/12/2014 10:25

Well, sorry to say that if that's the case then you will never have an equal relationship with any partner until DS is old enough to move out. DP will always fall down the pecking order and will resent the fact that you don't take him into consideration. If this is his "line in the sand" then you are about to cross it. Good luck.

dreamingbohemian · 15/12/2014 10:26

Sorry if 'lazy' is too strong, was just going by what you said about him staying with you previously because it was more convenient in part.

I think 'line in the sand' is a good way of seeing it. People may say it's pandering but we're talking about a child whose entire life has been disrupted by the decisions of adults around him (divorce, new partners, whatever the deal is with his dad). It sounds like he mostly copes okay but this is just a bridge too far.

But it doesn't mean it always will be. Why the rush to decide now what you're doing next year? I think telling DP you need some time to get DS used to the idea is completely reasonable.

pictish · 15/12/2014 10:27

I don't think he's being all that unreasonable to expect that one Christmas out of however many have been before, be about his family for a change.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 15/12/2014 10:28

Ignore the wind up merchant. Heaven forbid a man doesn't get to come top in the "pecking order" Hmm

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 15/12/2014 10:29

Pecking order is a misogynist term in this context, implying that any man who doesn't get to call all the shots is henpecked.

pictish · 15/12/2014 10:32

I'll even go so far as to say I think your son needs to suck it up. Kids being the priority is not the same as letting them call the shots over family decisions, which is kind of what is happening here.

So he's rather spend it with his dad....well, next year for once he won't be. He'll live.

dreamingbohemian · 15/12/2014 10:34

Exactly AF

There is no pecking order, just a woman trying to balance everyone's needs.

intlmanofmystery · 15/12/2014 10:37

dreaming, but if OP and DP have been together for 4 years then DS has known DP since he was 6 and has grown up with him being there. If this is the first time in 4 years that DP wants to spend a "family" Xmas in Scotland I don't think that's unreasonable. Yes DS may have been subject to change but sounds like he has had stability for several years. Chucking his toys out of the pram because of something different and unknown.

I worry that if OP refuses to go, due to DS, then there may be even more disruption in the near future. As we all know Xmas can be fraught with political difficulties for new families so an approach could be to make as little fuss about it as possible and be flexible, even if that means taking turns and biting your tongue for a day or so...

intlmanofmystery · 15/12/2014 10:42

I was wondering when the rants would start. DP is looking for equality in the relationship, OP is not giving it to him. Whether that's a pecking order or not he is not being treated equally (as OP describes in the original post). Please check the definition of misogyny.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/12/2014 10:43

And subsuming her own needs in the process.

DP is a part of this family but he is having great difficulty in getting this whole concept of blended families anyway. This is perhaps because he has become too used to putting his own needs and wants first and feels his nose is being put out of joint.

Also I personally do not think much of anyone who states "this is happening" as a further riposte from a man who wants to be with his parents next Christmas. Discussion also involves listening to all points of view and her son's views are just as valid. If he feels that strongly about it then why is he not there this year?.