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Original poster

Am I being selfish?

151 replies

thegumthief · 15/12/2014 08:14

Kind of an AIBU, but too scared to post there! Have name changed as think DP knows my normal username. Sorry this may be a bit long but don't want to drip feed.

He and I have been together for four years. We started living together fulltime earlier this year. I have one ds who is ten.

I am very close to my parents and have always spent Christmas with them. Ds usually spends one day with us and one day with his dad. Since DP and I have been together he has spent Christmas with me and my family - this has been entirely his choice and I've never made him feel that he has to or that I expect it. His family live on the other side of the country (we are in South East England, they are in ne Scotland) so it has been partly convenience, I guess. Because they live so far away, I've only met them a handful of times and ds only once.

Anyway, a few weeks ago dp said that he wanted us all to go up to Scotland and spend next Xmas with his family. In all honesty I wasnt mad keen, but equally felt that it wasn't unreasonable on his part and agreed it would be ok. However, when I mentioned it to ds, he got really, really upset and begged me to talk to dp because he didn't want to go. He said that he didn't want to be away from his dad and his grandparents, and that he couldn't imagine spending Xmas without them and away from his home. I have honestly never seen him have such a strong reaction to a suggestion before Sad. Dp's family, nice as they are, are virtual strangers to ds and I do understand his reaction.

However, I have no idea how to broach this with dp. He will be very, very pissed off. my mind keeps going back to after our summer holiday when we had a massive row because he said that I always put his wants last, and ride roughshod over what he wants to do in favour of what I (and ds) want (the examples he gave were that we didn't go to the beach one day when he wanted to, and I never buy his favourite yoghurt when I go shopping). I am genuinely worried about how he will take me saying that ds really doesn't want to go. I was awake all last night worrying about it.

Am I being selfish? Should I just make ds go? That feels really wrong, but at the same time I don't want dp to think I'm not taking him into account. I would happily go up the week before Xmas to see them but I don't think dp would go for that. I am absolutely dreading this conversation and would appreciate any advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
thegumthief · 15/12/2014 11:20

There's nothing wrong with your friend's situation at all, pictish, if that's what they're all happy to do.

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 15/12/2014 11:22

'prioritised the once' -- but it was his own choice not to go the past few years.

Basically it's all about what he wants -- if he doesn't want to go, that's fine, but now he does want to go, bam, 'it's happening'.

I totally agree people should try to take turns and balance things out but he needs to be patient, he's only just moved in really.

museumum · 15/12/2014 11:22

Those who are saying the dp should go alone can you imagine saying to your parents 'yes i've moved to london, and i've fallen in love, and moved in with a wonderful woman and her son, and we live together as a step/blended family'... but i'll just come and visit on my own.

my parents would be gutted :(

i know the ds and op don't know the dp's parents well, but they're never going to if they don't go and visit. And xmas is a very traditional time for visiting family with everybody off work and possibly other relatives around or dropping in.

pictish · 15/12/2014 11:23

Nah...I'm not going to wring my hands and beseech "will no one think of the children" over this one.
One xmas out of five with his lot is fine.
Stop making a drama out of it people.

MorrisZapp · 15/12/2014 11:27

I think it's you who is being dramatic, Pictish. Theres an easy solution, the DP goes and has xmas with his folks and the OP and the DS do what they want.

It is you who thinks that adults in relationships MUST NOT be apart at Christmas, but that kids should just fit in and go with the flow.

pictish · 15/12/2014 11:32

You do know Christmas is like an annual thing right?
There will be another one along the year after. And the year after that. And the year after that too!
Plenty of leeway for everyone to get a turn imo.

dreamingbohemian · 15/12/2014 11:33

I agree, Morris

It clearly is a bit dramatic for the DS and that's to be expected given what he's been through. The DP should be able to deal with it calmly as an adult. The fact that OP is scared to tell him does not sound good.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 15/12/2014 11:36

So this guy only officially moved in "this summer" ie. about 4-5 months ago and already he is making statements like ""this is happening" even though it will massively upset a child ?

Fuck that.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 15/12/2014 11:40

OP, I also think you are making a mistake to say that the jealousy of your son displayed by your partner (wrt "you don't buy my favourite yoghurts and you don't let me go to the beach when I want to wah wah wah") is a separate issue to this. I don't believe it is at all unconnected.

Sprink · 15/12/2014 11:41

thegumthief, I'm beginning to wonder if you do want a blended family with your partner. I'm getting the impression that you like having him around but not as an actual person to be your partner in life and rearing children.

The comments about not knowing DP's family and probably never will because of the distance--you sound really okay with that, as if you don't care enough about your DP to want to get to know his family (ie, lovely that he has them and likes them but nowt to do with you or your son, aka your real family).

Am I misinterpreting this?

diddl · 15/12/2014 11:43

"my parents would be gutted"

Well yes.

Otoh, they might think that their wish to see OP & her son is not more important that the boy seeing his dad.

It's a shame that OP & her son don't know her partner's parents better after 4yrs, but that could be work, distance.

Also, he might have chosen OP & her son over his parents in the past, or he could have been too lazy to travel.

But next year, 18months after living together as a family, he'd like OP & her son (his family?) to have Christmas with his parents.

Not at all unreasonable.

Op seems as unwilling to not see her parents on CD as her son!

basgetti · 15/12/2014 11:45

MN is a strange place sometimes. If you had posted that you were planning to prevent your DS seeing his father over xmas because of your new partner's wishes you would have been slated. But you are being fair and trying to put your DS' needs first and you still get criticised.

I'd tell your DP he is more than welcome to spend xmas with his family, but that you have an ongoing commitment as a parent which he was aware of presumably when he chose to move in with you. He has lived with you for just a few months and he is trying to tell you what is happening whether you and your child agree or not? Who made him boss?

diddl · 15/12/2014 11:49

"But you are being fair and trying to put your DS' needs first and you still get criticised."

But fortunately what her son wants falls in with what OP wants.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 15/12/2014 11:50

Being boss over yoghurts obviously reinforced his perception he is boss over everything Smile

Original poster
thegumthief · 15/12/2014 11:54

If you had posted that you were planning to prevent your DS seeing his father over xmas because of your new partner's wishes you would have been slated. But you are being fair and trying to put your DS' needs first and you still get criticised

That had crossed my mind too [wry smile]

Sprink, I don't know. I like to think I'm being pragmatic/realistic - distance etc is a massive issue. They are nice people but, yeah, they're not my family, at the moment at least. And actually, I would assume dp feels the same way about my parents.

OP posts:
basgetti · 15/12/2014 11:55

But fortunately what her son wants falls in with what OP wants.

Yes, but OP was still willing to do it until she saw how much it upset her son, who she rightly wants to put first. I'm surprised so many people think a grown adult who joins a household and tells them 'this is happening' should have his wishes prioritised at xmas over a 10 year old child who by the OP's own admission has had a difficult couple of years.

Original poster
thegumthief · 15/12/2014 11:59

diddl, that's unfair. I know you think it's bizarre that I've spent every Christmas with my family, but it's the truth. I married a man who was entirely estranged from his, and previous to that I did separate Christmasses even with live-in boyfriends.

Ds has not 'fallen in' with anything. I simply mentioned to him that dp wanted to do this next year, and his reaction was entirely his own.

I hugely resent the suggestion that I am using ds as an excuse. I want a quiet, easy life, ffs, not all this bloody worrying about everyone else's delicate sensibilities.

OP posts:
diddl · 15/12/2014 11:59

"should have his wishes prioritised at xmas over a 10 year old child who by the OP's own admission has had a difficult couple of years."

Well then that's all OP needs to say to her partner, isn't it?

museumum · 15/12/2014 12:03

It's the north east of scotland not the dark side of the moon. If you'd had a partner move in with you whose family with you whose parents lived in New Zealand or Australia then fair enough you wouldn't expect to get to know his parents but not an hour's flight away!

It just sounds like you are not very committed to him :( and given that he's moved in with you and your son I find that a bit worrying. I wouldn't move anybody in unless I wanted us to be a family, which includes getting to know each others' parents and letting ds get to know your dps parents.

That's NOT to say you have to go on xmas day, but I think that you'd be mad not to try to make the trip to Aberdeen on boxing day at the least.

JuxaSnogUndertheMistletoe · 15/12/2014 12:07

If dp goes on his own, then his parents will never really be a part of your family, and nor will dp. He will always be excluded. If you want a proper blended family then you are going to have to treat dp and his family equally. If you want your son accepted by them (and you will want that, if not now, then sometime) then you have to accord them the same.

Your son is 10. You uave given him a bit of a shock. A year is a very long time and he will change enormously over that period. You can make theblending of the two families easier for him, or you can make it hard.

aprilanne · 15/12/2014 12:11

to be honest i would just tell him sorry /but you go if you want i have to stay here .because at christmas children come before adults ..the bit about the yogurts is pathetic he is an adult .he can go to the shops and get his own .it might be me but in my house yes mine and my hubby,s needs come last .after children even after pets .

diddl · 15/12/2014 12:13

I don't think that it's bizarre that you have spent all your Christmases with your parents.

Unusual maybe, but I can see how it happens.

What is odd is that it seems as if you daren't talk to your partner about it.

the man you love enough to live with & have in your son's life.

Original poster
thegumthief · 15/12/2014 12:21

I need to go and do some work now Smile but I want to say thanks to everyone who's posted. You have given me lots of think about, whether you agree or not!

Clearly I have some thinking to do. I will talk to dp and offer several alternatives, including more regular contact with his parents. We will see where we go from there.

OP posts:
MellowAutumn · 15/12/2014 12:26

thegumthief a summer visit to scotland would be lovely imo - and how it goes would help you decide ( ie see what the parents are like)

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/12/2014 12:33

How often has this man actually visited his parents during the length of time you have known each other?.

My guess OP is that he will find fault with every one of the suggestions you put to him. I hope I am wrong. Besides which, why can't he come up with an agreeable solution or is that really all down to you to sort out. Your own people pleasing behaviours will not ultimately please or help you.

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