Husband left after 24 years for other woman

[Anne040204]

I am 42, husband 45 with 3 children 11, 14 and 15. My husband started an affair in June with a colleague, I found out at the end of July, mobile phone bill, and he left us and moved straight in with her and her kids, 4 children by two separate partners. I was and still am shocked and devastated, I did not see this coming at all and its only now that I realise that he was over protective of his phone. He was not going out on nights out or coming home late but turns out he was leaving work early to go to her house.
I have been with him for 24 years, married 19 and in all that time have never had reason to doubt him. All our friends and family were shocked too so out of character, he was always a devoted husband and family man.
He was initially paying the bills but his ow told him to sort his finances out as she felt they were not in a relationship so now he pays half the mortgage and maintenance.
He has never given me an explanation other than we were not getting on which was not true there were no arguments or disagreements, even the kids have asked if we rowed when they were not around which we didn't.
We had a holiday booked in October which initially he said we would go on but changed his mind, or she changed it, at the last minute.
He comes and takes the kids to football training and their games and every other weekend has our daughter for the day but he never does anything with her other than take her back to his new family so the kids can play.
I cannot understand how/why this has happened. He has told family and friends that he did not go looking for this, that she kept coming on to him, he had an opportunity so he took it !
I am struggling to move on, yes it was getting easier but he has been away 4 months and it seems to have got harder again. I cannot understand why he would throw 24 years away after a 2 month affair. He was going to stay originally, had been daft, a complete fool, he loved me but by the time he came home from work, he had been in contact with her and she managed to change his mind. He moved in with her without actually meeting her kids ! What kind of woman does that ?
Some days I hope and pray that he will wake up, realise what she's like, what he stands to lose and beg to come home again, others I want this sorry state of affairs to be over and divorce him.
He has settled into family life with her and her kids, she posts on facebook of their family days, he as her spouse !
If I am honest I cannot bear to throw 24 years of a great relationship away, do I bury my hurt meantime for a set period of time ? We tend to communicate by text message, I have mentioned divorce to him, he replied that he didn't have money for a divorce at the moment and it would just take time.
Does anyone have any experience of something similar, is this a mid life crisis, of course I blame myself, there must have been something missing for him to go elsewhere

What an awful thing to happen.

Start taking back control of your life, starting with filing for divorce, he doesn't get to call the shots. Listen he's gone, it doesn't sound like he's coming back and, honestly, if he did why would you take him back?

Get legal advice, file for divorce on the grounds of adultery, name her as the third party and focus on making yourself happy.

for you. No wonder you are in shock. Could you possibly go to counselling on your own? I think it would help you to process what's happened and to work out what you want to do next.

As difficult as it is to realise that you don't know your DH, I think it's important you acknowledge that he isn't the person you thought he was. He is someone who has lied to you, cheated on you and discarded your marriage without a second thought. Sorry if that sounds harsh but you really have to think about who he is not whether or not it's a mid-life crisis or whether you are to blame. He could have spoken to you about his unhappiness. He could have taken responsibility for telling the OW that he was married and not interested. He could have suggested counselling or he could have ended your marriage before embarking on a new relationship. He didn't do any of those things and that shows you the type of man he is.

It's natural that you're hurting but try to remember that he has caused this hurt and even if he came back, you can't ignore what has happened. He isn't someone you can trust. I'm sorry he has treated you so badly.

It is such early days for you. Firstly you need to block him and her on facebook - stop reading and torturing yourself

And do not wait around for him to change his mind. I think you need a solicitor now. You need to take charge of your future. And of course, ignore what he tells others. He will rewrite history to justify his own feckless behaviour. He is no longer your loving husband, he is now the enemy and not to be trusted or consulted on anything.

I don't want to sound callous, but my first sympathy was for your husband. From what you say, this woman is using him and can clearly twist him round her little finger. What happens when she gets bored with him? She has form for this - 4 children by two separate partners.

He is riding for one hell of a fall and has behaved like a complete moron.

However, you now need to step up and take control. See a solicitor. The decision about divorce is yours not his. Who owns your house? You need that safeguarded and also an income. Don't take his word that he'll support you and "do the decent thing". It seems to me that he's lost any sort of self control as far as this woman goes and while he might agree to something when he's talking/texting to you, she would probably be able to talk him out of it.

It's understandable that after 24 years part of your wants him back. However, I'm prepared to bet that in the long terms, you'll be glad you got rid of him. How are your children taking this? They may be your biggest support.

Hi op sorry to hear your in such pain,

Your confusion must be immense, it's not a standard leaving scenario at all as you say it was at the beginning a short term thing with them. There were no real obvious mistreatment of you and arguments that come caused by the guilty person.

From what you've said, I read that he has been love bombed by the ow, she sounds relentless and may actually have a controlling and over powering personality.

But, he on the other hand is weak and it may have overwhelmed at first but he chose to go with it. I wonder how long it will really last once he sees he is being controlled

But all that doesn't make your world any easier, or give you the answers you seek. I agree with previous posters you may need to make this real for him now and not be around to catch him when he falls. Pulling the rug of return from under him may concentrate his mind and throw a spanner in the works for them.

Ide file for divorce and see where the cards lay. Either way it's going to force someone's hand.

Sorry you've been so badly let down. I agree with others that it's important not to hang around waiting for him to realise the error of his ways, although I appreciate it's easier said than done. He didn't leave ou and the DCs because of a mid life crisis or an unhappy marriage or because of one phone call, he left because it was what he wanted for himself. A selfish act.

You're going to have to be selfish yourself in response because you need to look after yourself and the DCs. You're not going to talk to a divorce lawyer all the time you hope he'll change his mind, but the risk is that he takes advantage of the vacuum to mess you around with things like contact with the children and finance.

I hope you have some RL support.

Yes I agree, he's a bloody idiot and fallen for someone who will only want him for five minutes. God forbid she gets pregnant

But as windy says, you need to take control and don't just sit around waiting for him to make the decisions. File for divorce now! Who the fuck do they think they are!! GET ANGRY!! Especially at him! This will give you the adrenalin to get things moving. Good luck.

Hi Anne. Yes I do have an insight to your situation. And funny enough it came at 19 years together. I thought my life was so perfect that I collapsed with the shock when I found out.
We were lucky that no children were involved. We both bought our own places and would meet up sometimes ( even though he was still with her)
To cut a long story, after 2 years we got back together. That was 14 years ago. So don't do anything drastic, try to be the person you always were before this bombshell hit you. Make sure you always look your best when he calls for your Daughter. Try very very hard not to give him any grief (he will be getting plenty of that with the OW) Wishing you all the best.

Further thoughts. I don't think this is a "mid-life crisis" (whatever that may mean), I think she's a predatory woman who likes collecting other women's husbands. She saw your H as a target and went for him. Be that as it may, the fact that he was prepared to forget his marriage vows quite so easily this time, is no guarantee that, if you do take him back when she's had enough of him, that he won't do it again.

If you do take him back, you need to get some practical arrangements in place to safeguard yourself. I suggest 100% control of the family money and the house in your sole name.

My advice to you is to not sit around waiting for her magic spell to wear off and for him to come to his sense and then want to come back to you. That might never happen, and if he did want to return at some point, who says that you'd still be in limbo, pining for him?

It's a very, very hard place you are in right now (understatement of the century), quite possibly you're still in total shock. I know I would be. But think on this: he is not the man you believed he was. He's a shit and always will be henceforward.

Take control! See a solicitor and start your divorce from this bloody wanker. He's going to be a much poorer wanker soon and this bint might not find him quite so attractive then. And you possibly won't either.

The voice of experience here: my mother was dumped after 20-odd years of marriage and three kids. Left for a not-very-nice woman, poorly educated and the complete opposite of my lovely Mam. After she got over the shock and divorced him she made a completely different life for herself. A peaceful, independent and much more prosperous one, filled with good friends (including his family), adventure and companionship. You could be that woman.

Make sure you always look your best when he calls for your daughter?? Please don't take this advice. Google the 'pick me dance' - then don't do it. No contact is the only way.

And please don't portray as some poor defenceless victim - it is his fault and his alone. Just because some woman sets her cap at him doesn't make him someone to pity.

He doesn't have the money for a divorce? ? that is your problem because? ?

Don't fall for the "she just kept coming on to me " bullshit. She is not fucking jolene! HE chose to leave his children to set up home with children he had never even met. I feel sorry for all the children in this sorry mess.

Don't do the pick me dance - why would you want him back now. Hes had his cock in another woman.

Get yourself a solicitor pronto and protect your financial security before he moves the ow in!

Women can't steal husbands who don't want to be stolen.

Anne
I was you 2 years ago except that I didn't know about the affair at the time. We were together 15 years with 2 DC.

Everyone was shocked and couldn't understand why he suddenly told me he didn't love me and was leaving.

It almost killed me letting him go but I did so without begging. I posted on here at the time and got some great advice.

The man my H became wasn't the man I married. He was selfish and could be very nasty. That helped because I wrote down every time he was ignorant and read it over and over. Eventually I started to write about the things that I didn't miss about me and it ran for 3 pages in total .

Slowly I realised that I didn't need him in my life and that life was ok without him..so much so that by the time I found out about the affair a year after he left (she sent me a facebook message after he dumped her (classy girl!) I was surprised at how little it hurt.

He has been asking to come back into the family (mine now after he signed it over ) for the last 10 months. I've told him that I don't need him and he has to show me and the DC why we should want him.

The things that helped me were:
-Making plans, even small ones, just to have something to look forward to
-Seeing a counsellor (who made me realise how strong I was at a time when I was panicking about being alone/single mum etc)
-seeing solicitors for their free half hour. Scary but eye opening as they told me some of the horror stories!
-Seeing friends, especially when I wanted to hide away from everyone
-taking it one day at a time, sometimes even 1 hour at a time
-blocking him on social media and sometimes even deleting his phone number for times when I was particularly low. I went through her facebook profile after I found out and made him sit with me. He told me about some of the stories behind some of the photos...like the loved up pic of them in a bar at the start of the night which ended up with her getting drunk and assaulting someone (Google is a great thing!). Remember people always want to present their life as perfect

• remembering that there are thousands of divorced women walking around smiling and happy so I could do that too!

he has told me that he was blown away by the strength I have shown and how I have moved on. I just said "than you" and smiled.

Friends have told me that they knew I would be ok because I am strong. Now I believe them!

This will be you. I promise. Go easy on yourself. Take your time and grieve for the end of the dreams you had. No one gets married and thinks "sure we'll see how it goes". And remember YOU are the parent who stayed..your DC will remember that and your relationship with them will just get better and better.

Your all forgetting the 'Men & their willies' syndrome. Well that's what I call it. Once the one eyed trouser snakes brain engages, they (men) can't stop it.

He's a bastard and he's gone. He made that choice.
He isn't allowed to make any more choices in your life.
You have to get legal advice - do it this week if you haven't already, and you have to salvage every penny you can from this situation. Be determined. Even, be vindictive. You and three children need this. You invested your life in him and he's fucked off. So you do all you can to make yourself and your children financially secure.
Stop wondering what kind of woman the OW is. It doesn't matter. Irrelevant.
he had an opportunity so he took it He's probably the most honest man in the history of the universe, in this one thing. My late mother used to say 'proximity' was the greatest danger to a marriage - ie if a husband was close enough to another woman to get to know her, the chances are he'd have sex if he could. So, its not personal. There wasn't something missing for him to look elsewhere (apart from his sense of responsibility to you and his children). It was all his fault, not yours and not hers (even if she came on to him. He was/is married to you, she isn't).
Don't wait for him to come back. If he wants to, don't let him (many of them try this when they realise the wife is serious about going through with legal proceedings - they're trying to minimise financial loss, nothing else, and they'll continue their adulterous ways if taken back).
Your pain is immense, but don't add to it.
Don't wait/don't have him back. Really.
If, when all the legal work is done, and you know where you stand as an independent woman, he wants to be in your life, manage it then, on your own terms.

Women can't steal husbands who don't want to be stolen.
^^ This.

Don't do the pick-me dance. Don't blame the OW. She isn't an enchantress. Think of all the men she meets on a daily basis who don't fall at her feet, betray their wives and leave a marriage of 24 years.

Your DH has shown you who he is: someone who lies; who doesn't value your marriage; who didn't respect you enough to end your relationship before he went off with someone else. I know it's hard for you but you have to put the responsibility for this situation where it belongs: on your cheating DH. You see, you can't say that you love him when you won't acknowledge who he really is. You're only in love with a mirage of who you thought he was.

Be gentle on yourself. Save all your sympathy for yourself and your DCs.

What a fabulous post goodenuffmum.

That should be framed!

I'm sorry this has happened to you. On the plus side, you sound incredibly dignified, even though you are heart-broken. Keep this up!!

I agree that you need to take control, don't let them walk all over you. If he can't afford a divorce, that's tough. What he means is, he doesn't want his standard of living to suffer.

Are you able to support yourself?

Stay strong

Toby, are you fucking serious?! Sympathy for HIM?

Predatory she may be, but he was the one thinking with his dick.

So sorry op. Gather your support around you and block numbers and on Facebook. Then, solicitor.

I hope you get through XMAS ok and that next year is YOUR year.

Remember, you're in charge here. He did wrong, not you.

X

fingeronthebutton

Are you seriously suggesting that the OP should doll herself up to look her best when her XH calls round. And that she should try very hard not to give her any grief ? Does your advice come out of a 1950s Stepford Wives manual on acting dumb and pretty, and turning a blind eye to abuse in the vain hope that The Man might deign to cast aside his fancy woman and come home, no questions asked, to his pipe and slippers.

I'm delighted for you, finger that it worked for you and your marriage. I wonder exactly how you have managed to regain trust and digest the bitterness that such a betrayal must cause without giving your dh any grief. I'm sure you must be very tolerant.

But I can assure you that your finger is most definitely not on the button when it comes to advising and empowering a devastated woman to survive a horrific betrayal and the destruction of her family life by a weak self-indulgent man who casually pissed away his marriage for an easy lay.

Sorry this has happened to you. This happened to me about two months ago: another woman after 30 years in a relationship with me. I'd echo the other posters-get legal advice, sort stuff out and make clear-headed decisions. Take your time and try to stay calm. You are not to blame, and please, please do not rub your nose in it by looking at Facebook.

I'm not married, but we share his house. As yet, I'm not planning to move. I'm taking my time and trying to keep things steady for dd, who's 12.

Good luck to you.

Haff and Trooper yy I thought I'd fallen into some odd parallel universe with some of the posts on this thread. Thanks for returning it to normal

fingeronthebutton Did you seriously just say that men can't help it ?

I hope to heaven and hell that you are not the mother to sons who are being brought up with that belief (or daughters come to that).

In fact, are you actually a man?

I'm worried about the October holiday thing. Please don't tell me that he is at all involved in your life any more. I hope he's not stepped foot inside your house since July.

You have got to stop waiting for him to change his mind. He's making a fool of you every minute you spend hoping. Move on. Make plans. Distance yourself from him. Get the divorce.