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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband left after 24 years for other woman

122 replies

Anne040204 · 14/12/2014 11:55

I am 42, husband 45 with 3 children 11, 14 and 15. My husband started an affair in June with a colleague, I found out at the end of July, mobile phone bill, and he left us and moved straight in with her and her kids, 4 children by two separate partners. I was and still am shocked and devastated, I did not see this coming at all and its only now that I realise that he was over protective of his phone. He was not going out on nights out or coming home late but turns out he was leaving work early to go to her house.
I have been with him for 24 years, married 19 and in all that time have never had reason to doubt him. All our friends and family were shocked too so out of character, he was always a devoted husband and family man.
He was initially paying the bills but his ow told him to sort his finances out as she felt they were not in a relationship so now he pays half the mortgage and maintenance.
He has never given me an explanation other than we were not getting on which was not true there were no arguments or disagreements, even the kids have asked if we rowed when they were not around which we didn't.
We had a holiday booked in October which initially he said we would go on but changed his mind, or she changed it, at the last minute.
He comes and takes the kids to football training and their games and every other weekend has our daughter for the day but he never does anything with her other than take her back to his new family so the kids can play.
I cannot understand how/why this has happened. He has told family and friends that he did not go looking for this, that she kept coming on to him, he had an opportunity so he took it !
I am struggling to move on, yes it was getting easier but he has been away 4 months and it seems to have got harder again. I cannot understand why he would throw 24 years away after a 2 month affair. He was going to stay originally, had been daft, a complete fool, he loved me but by the time he came home from work, he had been in contact with her and she managed to change his mind. He moved in with her without actually meeting her kids ! What kind of woman does that ?
Some days I hope and pray that he will wake up, realise what she's like, what he stands to lose and beg to come home again, others I want this sorry state of affairs to be over and divorce him.
He has settled into family life with her and her kids, she posts on facebook of their family days, he as her spouse !
If I am honest I cannot bear to throw 24 years of a great relationship away, do I bury my hurt meantime for a set period of time ? We tend to communicate by text message, I have mentioned divorce to him, he replied that he didn't have money for a divorce at the moment and it would just take time.
Does anyone have any experience of something similar, is this a mid life crisis, of course I blame myself, there must have been something missing for him to go elsewhere

OP posts:

redredholly · 16/12/2014 10:38

What does biscuit mean? That I am pretentious?

hmc · 16/12/2014 10:49

redredholly - agree with you entirely. The husband is a scrote and bears the responsibility for devastating his wife and family - but any woman (or man) who pursues a married woman or man is completely morally reprehensible.

hmc · 16/12/2014 10:51

[wishes there was a raised middle finger emoticon for Tobyjugg]

Tobyjugg · 16/12/2014 10:54

No, it's just that I doubt if any woman who's prepared to shag a married man gives two hoots for the "sisterhood" or indeed for anyone other than herself.

It was your comment that took the biscuit - not you personally.

Destinycalls · 16/12/2014 10:55

No it doesn't make her responsible it makes her partly culpable.

Two wrongs etc

But if you have no moral compass your attitude is understandable.

Read a few threads on relationships on the devastation innocent partners feel.

redredholly · 16/12/2014 10:56

It's a good comment. You're an older man -- it wasn't aimed at you but at other women pondering what's right and wrong. These are bad times indeed when a man comes on a mums website and takes the piss out of a woman for mentioning the sisterhood!! No wonder there are so many problems on the relationship board.

Tobyjugg · 16/12/2014 11:01

I was expressing my opinion as to the selfishness of human beings. I was definitely not taking the piss. If you thought I was, I apologise.

redredholly · 16/12/2014 11:02

Ok - accepted. OP, how are you doing?

Windywenceslas · 16/12/2014 11:07

I don't think the other woman is innocent at all.

Listen, I certainly would never kiss let alone sleep with a man in a relationship with someone else, because I want there to be a sisterhood. I could never do that to another woman. HOWEVER, the person with ultimate responsibility for a married man's fidelity is the man himself. I said upthread, a woman can steal a man who doesn't want to be stolen.

OP, I hope you're doing ok today.

Windywenceslas · 16/12/2014 11:07

*can't

AskMeAnother · 16/12/2014 12:06

No it doesn't make her responsible it makes her partly culpable

The other woman isn't 'culpable' at all. She isn't married to the wife, she has no obligation to the wife.

Destinycalls · 16/12/2014 12:18

She has an obligation as a human being to behave with decency to another human being.

Or is it the season to shit over stupid, ignorant wives/husbands who deserve all they get for being so bloody trusting.

In my experience the OW finds the cheating husband cheating on her. After all he's got away with it once and the OW is now the trusting stupid partner!

Twinklebells · 16/12/2014 12:34

I don't think the OW is innocent either. The OW my ex ended up with is a pretty nasty piece of work and she has done her utmost to cause as much trouble to me and the children as is humanly possible. But I do agree that my ex should have not have got involved with anyone and he owed me faithfulness and decency whereas she didn't. It is a minefield isn't it. I know I wouldn't want to be friends with a woman who thought it was OK to sleep with a man who is attached to someone else. It goes against everything I believe in.

Destinycalls · 16/12/2014 12:43

You and me both twinkle and I am sure we are in the majority despite the fact there are a few women on here who think selfishness is the ultimate virtue of which they probably have little

Twinklebells · 16/12/2014 12:48

I can understand what folk say about the man who has the duty to be faithful to the wife - but if he didn't find a woman who was keen to commit that adultery it wouldn't be possible would it. But heck, I have issues so my own experience will certainly cloud my judgement.

I know I would rather be single for the rest of my days than have an affair with someone who is not available.

Joysmum · 16/12/2014 12:52

I agree it's up to the husband to remain faithful, but I can't help wishing that all those who do what they want without thought of others get a dose of the same

AskMeAnother · 16/12/2014 12:55

She has an obligation as a human being to behave with decency to another human being

But you are dictating to her what 'decency' is. You can't do that. If its good for her, and she has no other commitments, why should she not go ahead? If she doesn't, some further woman will.

As for wishing women get 'a dose of the same', that's just spiteful. Going with a man who wants you isn't spiteful, if he's free enough to offer it you're free enough to accept, it isn't your act against the wife, its his.

AskMeAnother · 16/12/2014 12:56

But you are dictating to her what 'decency' is. You can't do that
and by doing that, you are making some woman who doesn't even know you, responsible for the upkeep of your marriage, as said upthread, which isn't on.

fuzzywuzzy · 16/12/2014 13:09

OP even if you are not considering divorce right now, the better option would be to take legal advice, just so you know exactly where you stand and what you stand to lose if you wait till your husband is good and ready to divorce.

You need to know what his claims will be on the marital assets three years down the line when you are in a mortgage free house, the one you have paid into, if your children are out of full time education by then you could be in a very different position in the event of a divorce than you would be now.

Just gather all the information, you do not need to take action if you don't want.

I've said this before, being the petitioner in the case of a divorce was a way better position for me than it would have been have I been the respondent.

Destinycalls · 16/12/2014 13:12

Ask the OP on this thread if the ow has acted with a shred of decency? Very inappropriate of you imo to be advocating shagging other women's husbands on a thread when the OPs H of 19 years has done just that with his OW.

I'm not dictating what decency is but you need to go and find some as your morals are questionable if you think you have no responsibility for what you or the cheating H does. Not all and not most of the responsibility, but certainly some of it.

Windywenceslas · 16/12/2014 13:15

Spiteful or otherwise, if these women got a dose of their own medicine they might think twice about disregarding the feelings of others.

Too many people in this world think they can do as they please then expect sympathy when it happens to them. If someone is a cheat or they fool around with married/spoken for men, then they'd get no sympathy from me if they got cheated on. That's not wishing heartbreak on someone, just being fair.

Destinycalls · 16/12/2014 13:26

I think askmetocheatwithanotherwomanshusband is in a bit of a minority here in advocating total indifference to the marriage partner of the person the OW is cheating with.

Not that she personally is doing this I am sure. Only advocating it as an innocent pastime and doing a Pontus Pilate when it comes to responsibility. Apt at Christmas.

AskMeAnother · 16/12/2014 13:37

Spiteful or otherwise, if these women got a dose of their own medicine they might think twice about disregarding the feelings of others
The above is a ridiculous comment.

Men are not incapable of making decisions, any more than women are.
Some people will choose to avoid partnered people, others won't, but you cannot make it an obligation, or call it a 'moral obligation'. You can try, but you'll fail. The faithless partner makes their own choice, the 'other' person is not responsible to the wife/husband/partner.

And you can be as personal as you like with your insults, it won't make any difference to the facts.

Destinycalls · 16/12/2014 14:04

Any. So just because you call other people's perception of decency, honesty and responsibility un factual that makes it so?

Men make decisions to cheat. Women make the decision to sleep with a married man. (Gender reversible of course) and if I and others call it a moral obligation not to visit emotional devastation on the innocent wife and children then I think we would be in the majority. Just because you don't see this would make me ask if you have any moral compass at all?

Judging by the arrogance you display here with your total absence of any feelings for any human being devastated by your possible actions, I think not.

Spiteful? Hardly. I like you would wish a cheating husband and the OW the hottest corner of hell!

IrianofWay · 16/12/2014 14:12

Agree that the responsibility towards a marriage lies with the two people in it. No-one else.

Any woman retains the right to sleep with any other woman's husband if she wishes and he makes it clear he's up for it.

I however retain the right to think that is shitty seflish behaviour.

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