Husband left after 24 years for other woman

[Anne040204]

I am 42, husband 45 with 3 children 11, 14 and 15. My husband started an affair in June with a colleague, I found out at the end of July, mobile phone bill, and he left us and moved straight in with her and her kids, 4 children by two separate partners. I was and still am shocked and devastated, I did not see this coming at all and its only now that I realise that he was over protective of his phone. He was not going out on nights out or coming home late but turns out he was leaving work early to go to her house.
I have been with him for 24 years, married 19 and in all that time have never had reason to doubt him. All our friends and family were shocked too so out of character, he was always a devoted husband and family man.
He was initially paying the bills but his ow told him to sort his finances out as she felt they were not in a relationship so now he pays half the mortgage and maintenance.
He has never given me an explanation other than we were not getting on which was not true there were no arguments or disagreements, even the kids have asked if we rowed when they were not around which we didn't.
We had a holiday booked in October which initially he said we would go on but changed his mind, or she changed it, at the last minute.
He comes and takes the kids to football training and their games and every other weekend has our daughter for the day but he never does anything with her other than take her back to his new family so the kids can play.
I cannot understand how/why this has happened. He has told family and friends that he did not go looking for this, that she kept coming on to him, he had an opportunity so he took it !
I am struggling to move on, yes it was getting easier but he has been away 4 months and it seems to have got harder again. I cannot understand why he would throw 24 years away after a 2 month affair. He was going to stay originally, had been daft, a complete fool, he loved me but by the time he came home from work, he had been in contact with her and she managed to change his mind. He moved in with her without actually meeting her kids ! What kind of woman does that ?
Some days I hope and pray that he will wake up, realise what she's like, what he stands to lose and beg to come home again, others I want this sorry state of affairs to be over and divorce him.
He has settled into family life with her and her kids, she posts on facebook of their family days, he as her spouse !
If I am honest I cannot bear to throw 24 years of a great relationship away, do I bury my hurt meantime for a set period of time ? We tend to communicate by text message, I have mentioned divorce to him, he replied that he didn't have money for a divorce at the moment and it would just take time.
Does anyone have any experience of something similar, is this a mid life crisis, of course I blame myself, there must have been something missing for him to go elsewhere

You can get half an hour free with a solicitor. I suggest you post in legal and ask for some advice, go armed with pertinent questions because if there is three years left on the mortgage he may well go for half of the house. I have no clue about the legalities of this but please don't think for one minute he wont put you and your children out of your home, because i daresay before he fucked off and left you and your children for another woman he'd only known for 2 months you would have said he wouldn't have done that!

I don't mean to be harsh but i can see this man is playing you for a fool. Of course he doesn't want a divorce yet, he wants to wait until there is a big fat pile of money to play for.

I agree with destiny

When my dad left and moved in with the ow he did change a lot but it was because he saw it as his fresh start, a new life. And he loved my mum, even after he left he loved her but he was head over heals for the ow- he would have done anything for her and to please her

Even if it is a 'midlife crisis' that isn't an excuse or a get out clause, it usually means that someone has taken stock of where they are and what they have achieved and decided to change it. He could have chosen to change careers, or move house, or do charity work but instead he chose another woman

You sound so together and strong anne, I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. But you will get through it and maybe even be happier than before

So glad someone has called him a CUNT because that's what he is to have done this.

I feel for you very much but this breaks my heart: he thinks his Dad got bored with us . PLEASE make very, very clear to your boy the truth: that his dad has done this for no other reason than he is selfish. A selfish bastard.

He can't afford a divorce? Should have thought of that before eh.

This isn't your fault (or the children's fault ) . There was nothing 'missing' in your marriage. An opportunity presented itself (I wouldn't believe that stuff about her being a predatory woman btw - he did this all on his own) and he took it. He jumped ship, leaving his wife and kids. He chose to do that.

And what was with him 1. bringing back his aftershave and 2. telling you it was because it gave her migraines?? What kind of cruelty is that?

If you can't be resolute for yourself then PLEASE do it for your kids. Do this for your kids - divorce his sorry arse.

Definitely see a solicitor. A free half hour and a paid one is worth it's weight in gold to explain the whole situation legally for you. He can't get you out of the house until your oldest leaves full time education so don't worry about that. He will only have a financial claim after that time for a proportion of it. Financially at the moment I think you are getting the best deal because after divorce he is unlikely to have to pay any mortgage as it depends on all the financial outgoings.

As for bringing the aftershave etc back he is not doing it to be cruel but because he is hedging his bets and keeping you and your home open in case it doesn't work out with the other woman. In other words he sees you and your children as second best. I am sure at some point he will come to regret his decision (the OW sounds very high maintenance) and may even come back asking for your forgiveness. Do you want to be second best? Do you want to be with someone who sees you this way? Even if he genuinely is sorry at that moment it will be for himself not you. Where was his consideration for your feelings and your pain when he was sneaking about behind your back. He is ultimately selfish and self centred. It would take a superhuman being to forgive all that and live with him again. I know I couldn't and most people couldn't either.

Try to get some counselling. Some occupational health schemes offer this. Some unions do. GP takes ages but is a good idea. Talk to family and friends. Look after yourself and remember you did not do any of this. You are not responsible for his behaviour and neither are your children. They sound lovely kids. Talk to them, not with anger or bitterness because they will still need some kind of relationship with their dad, but about how they feel. Stick together as a family. You will get through this.

I have told the kids that it is not my fault or theirs and reiterated not their fault, he is the selfish one and has chosen to walk out on us as a family and has chosen her and her family.
She was actually seeing someone else at the same time she was carrying on with my husband who was obviously the better option !
He has never once explained to me what the issues were so I/we didn't get the chance to work on them together before he walked out. He did tell my daughter aged 11 that he had not been happy, he did not love me any more and had met her and wanted to be with her. If only I'd had known or had an inkling we could have discussed. He always knew my views on cheating no going back and we had agreed that we would discuss anything before cheating took place, ie don't cheat, separate and then be with someone else, shame he went back on our agreement
My mother cheated on my Dad 35 years ago, left my Dad and took us with her to move straight in with her man who did become her husband and they are still together now, no contact with my mother. My Dad never got over it but myself and my siblings brought joy to my Dad later in life and although he was a very quiet unassuming man of very few words was very proud of us. Think 35 years ago the taboo of a wife doing a moonlight flit when husband at work, true honestly. My Dad thought the world of my husband and I'm so glad that he is not with us as he too would be devastated, my husband was like a son to him and they were very close.
My daughter is struggling at the moment cannot believe what her dad has done and thinks he will come home again. I am trying to tell her that he has made his decision but that we both love her very much, she is crying more now than initially, could be Xmas, do you know if primary schools have counsellors, do you think that would be an idea ?
I have free counselling through my employer and it turns out free legal advice too so I am going to make the calls. I know someone vaguely at work who is divorced from her husband so I am going to ask her for a coffee at work and get advice re solicitors and costs etc I have been given the impression that divorce costs thousands of pounds, is that not true ? The only reason I wanted him to file was to get some closure from him and for him to pay rather than me.

Bloody hell -- this is everyone's worst nightmare. I think you are well rid of him. There is no excuse for what he's done.

he... has chosen to walk out on us as a family and has chosen her and her family.

Er, did you tell your kids that?

He has never once explained to me what the issues were so I/we didn't get the chance to work on them together before he walked out.

That's because he only invented them after he'd left you. He needed to make something up.

Glad to read that you're getting some legal advice.

You sound brilliant and your H will be the loser in the long run. You have everything I think sorted! Most schools should have some kind of pastoral care so it's worth contacting all the children's schools as their work may be affected and it's better that they are aware, provided the children don't object.

A simple divorce where everything is agreed is only £430 with the financial order costing around £150 to be drafted properly and an extra £50 to lodge it with the court. But with children and finances/ pensions involved you must get proper legal advice and this is what starts bumping up the costs especially if H starts to object to the terms. The £430 (paid to the court up front) will get you a decree nisi and the absolute. The financial order is sorted out between these stages. You can ask the court for him to pay some or all of the costs. Sorting out terms of a divorce does give you something to focus on and takes away some of the feelings of helplessness. MN legal topic is great for getting good advice and there are some solicitors on there too.

If you want some type of closure you can get the decree nisi underway. Phone your local family court, pay the £430 and they will send you all the forms. 'Intelligent divorce' online tells you how to fill this out and you can get a decree nisi quite easily. It's just a piece of paper which has opened the door to divorce and you have a whole year or more to sort out the finances and get the absolute. Having a nisi is great just to know You are in control of the situation but it doesn't really alter the fact that you are still married until the absolute is granted.

On the one hand starting the divorce gives you a sense of empowerment which is just what you need now but it may make your H vindictive and he may stop making mortgage payments. It's a balance you have to weigh up.

My 'D'H of 25 yrs walked out for an OW too - he deserved to be happy evidently, having shown no indication that he wasn't . I was not on MN at that point sadly so didn't have the great advice on here to protect me. The one thing that I wish I had known is "he is not your friend". We tried, and succeeded, to divorce amicably and swiftly - but it's only in retrospect that I realise he shafted me financially in a number of ways. Actually he shafted me and the DC as he contributed nothing to them post divorce apart from doing the disney dad and buying stuff they didn't need while not chipping in for stuff they did. In theory we had 50/50 care of our youngest dc - who never spent a single night with him. His lovely mum helped me with things like school uniform.

He is no longer the man you married, he is a stranger who does not have your best interests at heart. He will tell himself the story that he is being fair and doing the best he can for everyone - but it will be a story to justify his own selfishness.

Divorce itself costs hardly anything. It's the wrangling over the financial settlement that costs. If he's saying he can't afford a divorce right now it means he's either planning on fighting you over everything, other knows he's not giving you what you're entitled to at present. Be warned. Get legal advice now. You don't have to act on it if you're not ready, but be prepared.

I've no doubt him paying bills etc is just a guilt thing and as soon as the OW gets more control over him she will ensure he only pays his legal requirement. She is controlling him to some extent as he tries to please her, but he is in no way a helpless victim. He made this choice.

People who cheat on unsuspecting partners really piss me off . Just leave if you're not happy and make a life after the split ffs!!

Anne! You are such a nice woman! You find excuses to his behavior and at the same time try to protect your kids! You are wonderful! No-one can take away from you your kindness and your generosity of mind! That is the treasure that will always stay with you and support your kids. As all the clever women said above: this man is very foolish- he is a cunt (connard in French). He sounds also as if he is quite weak and not very mature at all. Maybe this made him looks like a nice and gentle man at the start. Maybe you saw in this appearance your dad that has been wronged and this is why you keep finding excuses to the behavior of this man (I will not call him- 'your husband'- he does not deserve this honorable title.) I do not have much to add to all the wonderful advices given above. Focus on your great heart and strength to empower and protect your kids and yourself. Life is not Fair. But you got the best part of it: your heart- generosity- dignity- humbleness and your KIDS. Yes say it to yourself: You are lucky to be yourself and to have your kids! Sort out the financial side of the situation with the lawyers and go forward. Treat yourself and your kids to some nice trip if you can afford it- read nice books- meet friends - have little parties for your kids in your house- make your home happy and merry and cosy (with boundaries and responsibilities of course - kids are kids and you want them to grow!) without thinking about him. Tell your kids that there are behaviors we cannot explain- -and that what define us most is how we react to the situations we are thrown into- I am sure that you are strong and that you made up your mind that this terrible thing

• and nothing- will destroy you and your kids. Good Luck!

Anne, I am sorry.

First of all, I understand your complete confusion at the statement that you were not getting on. This is something people do when they are guilty. They rewrite history and create a fake story in their head which makes their actions justifiable. It's emotional abuse. It makes you feel crazy, but many bastards who act like this do the exact same behavior.

Vivaca said it exactly right. He invented the problems in your marriage after he left. This sounds bizarre and insane but I have been through it ans they are so convincing!!!!

Second of all, please don't feel like this is any any way down to a shortcoming within you. When people have affairs when in largely happy marriages they are seeking something new, they are seeking some sort of escape and this is all about an internal crisis within themselves. It's not even about sex (because he could have that without moving in with her!) but it's more about how she makes him feel. She is someone new, he can do or say or be someone diferrent and it is himself he seeks to escape, not you.

Third of all, I have been through similar - no affair but might as well have been - and all I wish looking back was that I had stuck up for myself from the start.

There's such a such mechanics which comes into play when people we love and think the world of do awful things to us, and we find ourselves trying to persuade them to come back. We do this by looking at what we did to make them do it and trying to change. We do this by hating ourselves. We do this by being nice to them when they deserve a slap in the face. We do all of this because we love them. It's quite a sad little part of the betrayal of someone we love in that we hardly ever react in a way that makes sense.

My advice to you is to remember this is his song and dance. Please look for a thread on here called the Midlife Crisis Script. It's very telling! You can then watch your husband's behavior and clearly understand absolutely none of it is about you or your marriage. Learn to let him get on with it. When he is done, you can decide if you want him back or not BUT in the meantime stand up for yourself, live your life, thrive, show him who you are. The OW sounds awful asking him to stop paying your bills, caring so little for her children and parading him heartlessly. Let him find out for himself the hard way what a fool he is. She sounds like no prize.

I can't tell you if your husband is a good or bad man, but I can tell you he is guilty of betraying your trust. He is guilty of trying to blame you for his own inadequacies. He is a poor communicator. He is a liar. He emotionally crippled by cowardice.

You're none of these things.

He didn't leave ou and the DCs because of a mid life crisis or an unhappy marriage or because of one phone call, he left because it was what he wanted for himself. A selfish act.

Yes, honestly, it is that simple. There are multiple factors which influence a person. My ex was expressed for example, but this is only influence. He makes his own choices and everything that has happened has happened because he WANTED it to.

He has a choice, if he was genuinely unhappy in the marriage, to come to you and at least make an honest attempt to work through it. His inability to bring issues to the table is not your fault. Although I seriously doubt, as Vivaca said that any existed.

Some people are just THAT selfish, and you can live with them for many years and not see it.

She was actually seeing someone else at the same time she was carrying on with my husband who was obviously the better option !

Merely reinforces my original view. She is manipulating him and he's a damn fool (nb among men of my generation "damn fool" is stronger than "cunt").

Sigh.

To the OP - I know it's easier to hate this other woman that you don't know, rather than a man that you've spent years of your life with. But your anger is completely misplaced. You truly realising this will honestly help you to accept and move on from what has happened.

Your partner is not a puppet. He is perfectly capable of making his own decisions. HE was the married one. Whether or not she was throwing herself at him is completely and utterly irrelevant. Would be a moral way for her to behave? No not at all. But HE was the one with the ring on his finger.

IT IS NOT UP TO OTHER WOMEN TO POLICE THE FAITHFULNESS AND LOYALTY OF MARRIED MEN.

All of this is your ex partner's fault. ALL of it. He could have said no. He could have reported her for harassment for fuck's sake. He could have told you if there were "problems" in the relationship. He could have told you some crazy woman was harassing him at work. He could have asked to move teams. He could have cut ties with her when he realised he was beginning to think of her as more than a colleague.

He has not been somehow strong armed or manipulated into this situation. He has chosen it on his own free will, and he had HUNDREDS of opportunities to prevent getting to this point, but he chose to go ahead with every single one of them.

All you know is what you have heard from him. For all you know, it could have been HIM doing all the chasing.

Men who cheat on their wives do so LOVE to place all the blame with the OW. It gives them this wonderful "get out of jail" card where two women fight over them like some kind of prize, and they get to play the "victim".

You are worth so much more than this man. Even if, in some parallel universe, everything he told you was true and he was somehow manipulated by this master of emotions - would you REALLY want to be with someone so absolutely and totally pathetic?

Kay said it all.

IT IS NOT UP TO OTHER WOMEN TO POLICE THE FAITHFULNESS AND LOYALTY OF MARRIED MEN

People have been flamed for saying that before, but I totally agree with you.

IT IS NOT UP TO OTHER WOMEN TO POLICE THE FAITHFULNESS AND LOYALTY OF MARRIED MEN

I also agree.

I think we'd all like to believe in The Sisterhood, but I'd much rather have a husband that didn't want to cheat than have a husband who couldn't fine anyone to cheat with.

Well I can't agree. No-one knows if they have a partner who will cheat - until and unless they do. With all the agony that ensues. The majority of people whose partners 'strayed' are shocked to their boots. I'd rather keep an eye out to be part of avoiding disaster, if possible. I do think society in general has a part to play, however small.

We're so afraid of being judged for being judgemental, we turn a blind eye to domestic disasters happening right under our noses: 'none of our business'. Back in the day, people who had affairs were socially castigated as a matter of course. Not so now, sadly.

I don't agree either that the OW is an innocent party in the affair (unless she too has been lied to).

She's guilty of knowingly aiding the man to deceive his partner. She will know the devastation she is helping to cause and yet selfishly carries on with her actions. If she cared for a man but knew he was married she would ask him to show his marriage was really over by leaving, being honest with his wife and then starting an honest relationship, instead of encouraging him to have his cake and eat it.

Of course the man is far more the guilty party and that doesn't even need saying, but two wrong actions don't make anything right for the real victim.

selfishly carries on with her actions

that attitude makes Woman B responsible for the upkeep of Woman A's marriage. Its not on. Forget it.

If your husband wants me and I want him, that is between us. I don't owe you a thing. He does. But its up to you to convince him of that, not me.

that attitude makes Woman B responsible for the upkeep of Woman A's marriage

I suggest that Woman A's marriage is the very last thing on Woman B's mind in these circumstances, and why should it be? The onus to stay faithful is on the husband.

Having said that, a strong willed person (of either sex) can usually manage to manipulate a weak fool, and that I think, is a large part of what's happened here.

Look I think it's a bit off to make a pass at a married man.

The husband is the only one with real responsibility to the OP, but the woman should have a sense of a duty to the sisterhood.

Women do know that if they offer a man sex in a very brazen way he might accept, out of a kind of automatic shock if nothing else. The point is for husbands not to get into situations where that could happen.

but the woman should have a sense of a duty to the sisterhood