Husband left after 24 years for other woman

[Anne040204]

I am 42, husband 45 with 3 children 11, 14 and 15. My husband started an affair in June with a colleague, I found out at the end of July, mobile phone bill, and he left us and moved straight in with her and her kids, 4 children by two separate partners. I was and still am shocked and devastated, I did not see this coming at all and its only now that I realise that he was over protective of his phone. He was not going out on nights out or coming home late but turns out he was leaving work early to go to her house.
I have been with him for 24 years, married 19 and in all that time have never had reason to doubt him. All our friends and family were shocked too so out of character, he was always a devoted husband and family man.
He was initially paying the bills but his ow told him to sort his finances out as she felt they were not in a relationship so now he pays half the mortgage and maintenance.
He has never given me an explanation other than we were not getting on which was not true there were no arguments or disagreements, even the kids have asked if we rowed when they were not around which we didn't.
We had a holiday booked in October which initially he said we would go on but changed his mind, or she changed it, at the last minute.
He comes and takes the kids to football training and their games and every other weekend has our daughter for the day but he never does anything with her other than take her back to his new family so the kids can play.
I cannot understand how/why this has happened. He has told family and friends that he did not go looking for this, that she kept coming on to him, he had an opportunity so he took it !
I am struggling to move on, yes it was getting easier but he has been away 4 months and it seems to have got harder again. I cannot understand why he would throw 24 years away after a 2 month affair. He was going to stay originally, had been daft, a complete fool, he loved me but by the time he came home from work, he had been in contact with her and she managed to change his mind. He moved in with her without actually meeting her kids ! What kind of woman does that ?
Some days I hope and pray that he will wake up, realise what she's like, what he stands to lose and beg to come home again, others I want this sorry state of affairs to be over and divorce him.
He has settled into family life with her and her kids, she posts on facebook of their family days, he as her spouse !
If I am honest I cannot bear to throw 24 years of a great relationship away, do I bury my hurt meantime for a set period of time ? We tend to communicate by text message, I have mentioned divorce to him, he replied that he didn't have money for a divorce at the moment and it would just take time.
Does anyone have any experience of something similar, is this a mid life crisis, of course I blame myself, there must have been something missing for him to go elsewhere

OP, please don't kid yourself that he is not preparing for divorce, because if he's not, she probably will be. After all, it appears she has had some experience in the process (if she was married to any of her ex's)

But this is not about her, its not even about your husband.

This now has to be about you. What is best for you and your children. He not longer gets to make joint decisions with you about your life. He lost that right when he did what he did.

Go see a solicitor, please. It will do no harm and might help an awful lot.

Make sure you always look your best when he picks up the kids?!!!!

Really?????

Fucking hell.

Fake it til you make it if you think that dressing up will make YOU feel better, happier, more "fuck you and see what you lost".

But I really hope that "advice" wasn't for winning him back. If he's a prize, he's the booby prize.

I'm not even saying never take him back. But I am saying don't degrade yourself making yourself pretty for him.

On divorce: he doesn't get to decide. Hit him with the papers. File now. If you want him back, that will wake him up quicker. If you don't want him (or do but he won't come) you need to protect yourself financially.

YOU CANNOT TRUST THIS "MAN".

I'm that he has moved in with 4 kids he has never met.
I think that increases the likelihood of him trying to come back. Don't be second choice

Argh. What a tool he is!

He's thrown it all away and he's going to regret it and much sooner than he thinks in all likelyhood. He'll then feel like an idiot who threw it all away for the rest of his life.

What an awful thing to happen to you! I agree with all the other MNers who say don't do the pick-me dance. If you were to accept him back, you would probably never feel the same way about him, and might never trust him not to cheat again.

I'm sorry it hurts so much and it has been sprung upon you. You'll get the independence you haven't asked for and find that is has good aspects. And you won't feel silly because you aren't.

Anne, PLEASE READ AND LISTEN

That was me ten years ago. I didn't do mumsnet then and I hung on and on.

We'd been married 30 years.

He played around with me. Messed me about. I was so convinced he was coming back.

I didn't want. To chuck away 30 years.....but he did.

In fact there were others through our a triage i knew nothing about it.

Please accept its over..

He's walked with his feet...don't let him wipe them onyou.

Just because someone won their husband back it doesn't mean you will. Once they go,most go for good.

While you are still coming to terms with it,he moved onmonths ago.

FACT,!

Interview lots of solicitors. Ask around Its going to be tough but you'll get there.

I'm with a lovely man and would never have the other one back no matter how hard I prayed for him to do so.

Thank gawd, someone had better plans for me!

Triage? Marriage. Good word though. It felt like a triage he had so any other women in our marriage.

As princess Diana said....there were three of us in our marriage.

Once a cheater always a cheater!

Goodenuffmum
Your post is great! Empowering!
Ann040204
Goodenuffmum wrote an excellent post! All the other ladies in this site wrote also supportive messages. You are not alone in your pain. And not alone in such cases. Women and Mums in these cases can walk their head up! What I go/still go through is different f rom your case. However I had a colleague who went through a similar tragedy and she came out of it stronger with lovely devoted and well adjusted kids. She was married for some 20 years with her sweetheart from high school. She did not work and devoted all her energy to her 3 kids. She had small arguments with him - the usual ones - 'take the garbage out! come earlier to be with the boys...' you know stuff like that. One day she put the garbage by the entrance door before he left for work- he left the house 'without' the garbage bag and never came back...She said that her whole world collapsed. For about three months she could not leave the house- she had panic attacks. It turned out that the same day they had this garbage fight, he interviewed a woman in the company he works for, he was attracted by her and her by him and the same evening he went to her house and completely cut himself from the family- almost completely- he did not want any contact with his daughters but he wanted to keep contact with his son...About a year after he left, my colleague found a job and it is how I met her. You should see how happy she was to come to work! You should see what jokes she kept cracking! She made us all happy in the big alienating open office we worked in. And her kids loved her so much- unconditionally- her daughters went through their teens like little princesses- beautiful and very confident. Her son did have a little problem. He did not like his dad or his new partner- but he was forced to go to visit his dad. As soon as he was able to decide for himself he stopped seeing him and he became adjusted. My colleague divorced- severed all contacts with 'them' - encourage her son to go and se his dad if he wants to do so etc etc....Well there was a happy ending. She worked hard to make ends meet- the husband who used to be the breadwinner was not generous when they divorced (by the way- judges do not give any weight to affairs when it comes to monies.) Her kids as I said above are well adjusted and devoted to her. And him- it is not important- he is not important- still if you insist then the usual thing happened to married men who elope with mistresses: he broke up with his mistress and he is very hurt that his kids- especially his son- are rejecting him...So please be strong- take your time though to mourn the 'death' of the man you used to know- but in parallel keep your dignified posture- cultivate humor (they say that in order to succeed comedians must get married- have a family and go through great pains in their personal life especially family problems ...)- focus on your kids- and bide him farewell....and read the advice of goodenuffmum- it is excellent...

I so sorry anne, you must have been going through hell

I haven't been in this situation but I have seen it first hand

My dad left my mum for another woman after they had been together almost thirty years, it came as such a shock to her

I can understand my dad leaving, and in the end I was happy for him that he was happy (and I grew to love my step mum) but the thing I found hard to forgive was the way he kept my mum hanging on. He would still talk to her and pop round to do jobs at her house and he would imply he wasn't happy, that he regretted what he'd done. I'm sure he did feel guilty but I know he was always happy with the choice he made, I think he thought he was being kind to my mum by saying that but actually it meant it took her so long to move on and accept he wasn't coming back

I hope things get easier for you anne, you deserve better than this

Very sad to hear of the OP's experience.Very good replies here from the Mumsnetters too. One thing that forumers are unanimous about is that she should immediately file for divorce. Without knowing the financial ins and outs of what the Ex is paying for half the mortgage and maintenance at the mo, it may be that the OP is better off with this arrangement than a new one implemented post divorce, if she can stick with the fact there is no clean break!The close friends I have are all generally worse off since divorce. One of many articles online :-www.telegraph.co.uk/women/mother-tongue/4337974/Divorce-makes-fathers-significantly-better-off.html

Remember the rule of thumb is that the carer (the one who has the kids) gets around 70-100% of the equity in the property, depending on how much she can negotiate using his pension pot as a bargaining chip. Men are often the breadwinners after having children and so may have the larger pension pot. Maintenance is another issue, my three friends who have divorced have all received 15% of the husband's take home income for 1 Child, 20% for 2 Children and 25% for 3. None have had spousal maintenance as they didn't earn a lot less than the husband, and judges are not keen on giving it these days anyway because a change of circumstances can send all parties back to the drawing board. Again that lack of spousal maintenance can be used as a bargaining chip to receive a larger percentage of house equity.

This is all worth considering. On a more personal note, the OW sounds like a right predatory jezebel, and the Ex seems as weak as p*ss. Remain dignified OP, and you will see what happens when the Honeymoon Period is over, i.e she gets bored, the masks slip, he realises what he's done, but it might take 3-4 years (www.match.com/magazine/article/9054/)

In which time you will have moved on and will no longer want him.

I'm neither a Stepford wife or a fool. But I do understand men and their willies. Sex isn't the enemy, it's when it's emotional, that's when you have to worry.

Oh dear god!

Fingeronthebutton you managed to contradict yourself all in one paragraph. "Men and their willies"

Your dh didn't respect you enough to be faithful. You didn't respect yourself enough to tell him to do one. That's your choice but please see your advice is inappropriate.

Stay strong op.

predatory jezebel

Can we avoid the woman-shaming, misogynistic phrases?

Toby, are you fucking serious?! Sympathy for HIM?

Yes, at first. Think about it. What has he got? A new shag, 4 kids he does not know and no guarantee that he won't be flung out on his ear 18 months down the line.

What has he given up? 24 years of a loving relationship, the love and respect of his own 3 children and the love of a woman who clearly thought the world of him.

I think he's going to end up eventually as a sad lonely old man in a bedsit all by himself but he's too dumb to see it.

He's a total prat to have done it. He's crash diving his life and can't see it. And I feel sorry for him for that.

That does NOT mean BTW that I have no sympathy with the OP. I do, and a lot more than for him but I trust that with time and a good lawyer, she'll get through this and build a new and better life for herself.

He won't.

I'd like to thank you all for your messages and advice, I really do appreciate having third parties views. I have family friends and work colleagues who have been very supportive.
I do have stronger days amongst the weak days where I wonder if I can go on but I have my three children to get up in the morning for.
My husband and his behaviour is not the husband and man I have known for 24 years, I am not just saying this as others have said too that he has effectively flipped or had a bang on the head. My husband was a good husband and father with morals and in his right mind would be horrified at his actions and behaviour. I know he is not the same man at the moment and do not like this imposter at all. The kids have said that he is immature, speeding in his car, his text messages use language that my sons use. This is why a mid life crisis seemed apparent. You surely cannot be with someone for 24 years and not know them ? You cannot hide behind a totally different personality for 24 years. Its like he has regressed to a 15 year old.
I know from our mobile phone bill that they text each other all day when both at work and I mean 60 texts over a 7 hour period every 5-10 minutes or so, this is not normal. I have now removed my contract from our joint deal.
He is weak and being controlled and manipulated, he brought all his aftershave back to the house for our sons as she said it gave her migraines, took her 5 months to work that out, and she has since bought him new stuff that doesn't give her migraines !!!! He is wearing clothes that she has bought him that are not to his taste at all but he told our daughter that he wears them so as not to hurt her feelings ! She is trying to erase all trace of his old life.
My oldest son thinks his dad is a twat and has lost all respect for him, my middle son is very quiet and has only said that he thinks his Dad got bored with us and my daughter who was very close to her Dad is starting to dislike him and is struggling with the change in him My middle son is a lad of few words but I feel that we have become closer, he always asks how I am and will do little jobs for me without being asked, it's his way of helping me.
Re divorce I am mulling it over but it is expensive and am not 100% sure that it I what I want yet so I will take a little time. We have joint mortgage and are both paying half plus half of the associated costs, insurance etc and he is paying maintenance. I work 4 days per week and although I am paying the bills and now one of the car loans, we are managing on what is coming in.

I took his key from him way back at the beginning and he took all his personal belongings so he is not in the house at all. I went no contact at the beginning and will only acknowledge text messages if an acknowledgement is required.
My husband is stubborn and very rarely goes back on any of his decisions so yes he may never return as pride might keep him away but I also feel that me discovering the affair forced the decision. I really think that he will get his fingers burnt with the other woman but time will tell, at the moment the two selfish twats deserve each other
I have been dignified and not been mud slinging and I will remain so but will fight my corner if need be I am no push over.
I do believe that everything happens for a reason and if we do reconcile in the future I will not be as open as regards money and savings as I was in the past, this has taught me that us wives need separate funds !

You really need to stop seeing him as an innocent victim in this. I don't care how predatory she was, he could easily have said no.

You really need to formalise maintenance/house etc. Just burying your head in the sand leaves you wide open to being taken advantage of. You can't think he will carry on being decent in 6-12 months. And all that time you have sat around waiting for him to come to his senses and come back.

At least see a solicitor and find out your options. All the time you do nothing you are giving him permission to continue to walk all over you, repeatedly. He isn't sat there tonight pining and posting online about you. He has his shiny new life to enjoy. Sorry, but you need to toughen up.

You really need to stop seeing him as an innocent victim in this.

This.

What Twinkletoes and Vivacia said. He's not an innocent victim he's a damn fool.

It certainly sounds foolish, but they are choices he has made and continues to make. Perhaps he can't come skulking back, but it's his choice to stay with her. 60 texts a day doesn't sound like someone who is making the best of a bad lot.

Sorry, Twinklebells

60 texts a day sounds like a love sick 14 year old.

He may not seem like your DH, but this is who he is now. He sounds like a fool, but a fool that chose to leave you for his OW. He's showing you who he is now, he's not a victim.

OP please stop seeing your H as someone having any kind of crisis. This is the same man, just a facet of his personality that was there all the time but which stayed under the surface because you and his kids were enough for him. This affair has come about because he has chosen it. He has not been lured away against his will. Stop thinking that because you are collaborating in the excuses he is making for himself. For reasons we don't know he wants this time in his life to have excitement and a new relationship. Yes, he may come to regret it but what he does or doesn't feel is nothing to do with how you feel. Please stop blaming the OW. He is the guilty party. He chose to cheat. He has not taken leave of his senses!

You sound foolish (sorry) making the OW out to be some kind of puppet master who controls his every move, his clothes and his aftershave. I just see someone out to please the woman he has chosen to be with however much that hurts. I am being harsh because you need to stop making endless excuses. Of course he is trying to erase all traces of his former life. It's because he wants to start again.

You have the most important things and that is your dignity and your children and their respect.

The first question to ask yourself is if he came back having realised he made a mistake could you live with him? Ever trust him again? Have your deepest feelings for him changed forever? Will you honestly ever feel the trust and security again? Would it eat at you and make the marriage break down again? If the answer is yes to any of these questions it is time to walk away.

The second is can you manage financially? You need to see a solicitor with some income information, equity/mortgage in the house, pensions etc to see where you stand. Grabagran talks complete sense here on the financial side. You may be better off in the short term letting him continue to pay as he is or you want to start divorce proceedings yourself. It costs £430 if it's uncontested and simple but the financial side may take mediation, depending on what you agree.

If you want him back after this and want him to make 'come to his senses' I suggest you start divorce proceedings now (if financially viable) and if the reality of what he is losing doesn't do the trick you will just need to get on and make a new life.

Personally I would rather have a rattlesnake in my bed than a cheater.

He is not a poor fool, he is not a victim HE IS A CUNT! pure and simple!

WHY WHY WHY, did he send the aftershave back to your house if he gave his new partner a migraine? Wouldnt the rational thing to do have been to throw it away? Unless of course he was messing with your head..................................

The sad thing is, he is messing with his children's head. The sooner you divorce this man the quicker your children will be able to move on, not knowing what is happening is going to cause them mental health issues, if not now, in later life

Destinycalls I heed what you say and you are being honest its the first time anyone has actually had a different view on his actions re him wanting to please her and him wanting to start again, hurtful but honest.

The financial situation does suit me at the moment as the mortgage is paid off in three years and I would struggle paying it all on my own without us suffering hard ship in other ways. However, after Christmas I will go and see a solicitor re legal separation and divorce and get the ball rolling.

Thank you, heh tomorrow I may be in bits again but I shall keep rereading your post