Husband left after 24 years for other woman

[Anne040204]

I am 42, husband 45 with 3 children 11, 14 and 15. My husband started an affair in June with a colleague, I found out at the end of July, mobile phone bill, and he left us and moved straight in with her and her kids, 4 children by two separate partners. I was and still am shocked and devastated, I did not see this coming at all and its only now that I realise that he was over protective of his phone. He was not going out on nights out or coming home late but turns out he was leaving work early to go to her house.
I have been with him for 24 years, married 19 and in all that time have never had reason to doubt him. All our friends and family were shocked too so out of character, he was always a devoted husband and family man.
He was initially paying the bills but his ow told him to sort his finances out as she felt they were not in a relationship so now he pays half the mortgage and maintenance.
He has never given me an explanation other than we were not getting on which was not true there were no arguments or disagreements, even the kids have asked if we rowed when they were not around which we didn't.
We had a holiday booked in October which initially he said we would go on but changed his mind, or she changed it, at the last minute.
He comes and takes the kids to football training and their games and every other weekend has our daughter for the day but he never does anything with her other than take her back to his new family so the kids can play.
I cannot understand how/why this has happened. He has told family and friends that he did not go looking for this, that she kept coming on to him, he had an opportunity so he took it !
I am struggling to move on, yes it was getting easier but he has been away 4 months and it seems to have got harder again. I cannot understand why he would throw 24 years away after a 2 month affair. He was going to stay originally, had been daft, a complete fool, he loved me but by the time he came home from work, he had been in contact with her and she managed to change his mind. He moved in with her without actually meeting her kids ! What kind of woman does that ?
Some days I hope and pray that he will wake up, realise what she's like, what he stands to lose and beg to come home again, others I want this sorry state of affairs to be over and divorce him.
He has settled into family life with her and her kids, she posts on facebook of their family days, he as her spouse !
If I am honest I cannot bear to throw 24 years of a great relationship away, do I bury my hurt meantime for a set period of time ? We tend to communicate by text message, I have mentioned divorce to him, he replied that he didn't have money for a divorce at the moment and it would just take time.
Does anyone have any experience of something similar, is this a mid life crisis, of course I blame myself, there must have been something missing for him to go elsewhere

rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/

good luck

Totally agree the responsibility for the marriage lies with the two people in it. It's not the responsibility of the OW to save or destroy it. It is her responsibility though to consider the fallout of her actions. If she's happy with that I would say she has no idea what decent morals. Therefore on moral grounds I too agree that it is selfish shitty behaviour.

Isn;t it in the marriage service that all present make a commitment to do all they can to support the marriage? I would take 'all present' to mean not just friends and family but society in general. This recognises that marriages can be fragile things, very much dependent on global support to varying degrees.

Do people really 'get' the vows, take them seriously? Perhaps they're sometimes seen in the same vein as eg choosing to get married in a church because it looks pretty. It's a great day, certainly, but it's all pretty serious, too.

this is me to OP - not only is he with OW but he employs her in his own company - as am I. He said "I had to trust him on finances" and because I chose not too as he had already lied so much I am facing one hell of a battle.
I was married for 20 years and all the little "odd" things now stacked together put a completely different picture on the whole thing. Even though I own half the company and he was quite happy for me to be a SAHM whilst it suited him now I am facing the prospects of going onto benefits or having to get a job. He is deciding how much he thinks I am worth and he is way of the mark - the kids are being damaged and he doesn't see it. They are beginning to see what he is really like and I cant imagine how that must feel. They know he has chosen her over them. Even though I am going through hell I knew my parents loved me no matter what! I am trying to compensate for him but doubt if I can fill that void.

I think he is out to destroy me- he is hoping I run out of money to proceed with legals & the emotional toll is exhausting. He says he wants rid of me but is dragging his feet at every opportunity. He is eventually cutting off all contact as he sees me as being unreasonable.

All I can say is OW must be a complete bitch - she has her own kids but is happy to leave them for half the week at other end of country whilst playing at a relationship with my STXH. She got seduced by our lifestyle - but she has opened my eyes so widely. I thought we had it all - I realise I had very little and now I am seeing exactly what he is and the sooner I can get free of him and focus my attention on getting the kids back on an even keel the better.

Have you seen a solicitor yet? If not you need to get one pronto I reckon.

Judging by the arrogance you display here with your total absence of any feelings for any human being devastated by your possible actions, I think not...Just because you don't see this would make me ask if you have any moral compass at all

Keep trying. You're still being insulting and I'm still right.

I would think badly of a woman who knowi gly slept with a married man. Doesn't make the man any less of a cunt

I have struggled since the new year and not been back to work as yet.
I have had an initial telephone consultation and a counsellor is to contact me within 7 days to set up 6 appointments which I have free through work.
Why doesn't my husband love me any more ? He said to my daughter at the beginning that he didn't love me any more, he told my son that he left because I used to nag and shout at my other son. I admit that I did use to get onto my son about having three towels on the go at once but I didn't think it was out of order.
I now believe that my husband had not loved me for some time and had pulled away, I used to have to ask him to back me up sometimes when I would ask the kids to tidy up after themselves. Did he lose all respect for me ? He was more laid back than me but I thought we were a good team and counter balanced each other.
I had to spend the day with him last week at the hosp with our daughter, he did not speak to me and could barely look at me, why does he hate me so much after all the years that we have been together, he doesn't seem to care, it was so very cruel.
I used to have dreams, not very often but once a year, that he told me he was leaving me and I used to wake up in tears and tell him about them, he would give me a hug and reassure me that it wouldn't happen, now it's like some premonition or am I going mad ?
He is off on his new life and doesn't seem to care about the mess that he has left behind, no guilt, no remorse. He doesn't even speak to or text the kids every day which I cannot understand.

Why is he being like this, this is not the man I know, how can he turn his back on us and get on with his new life and be so adament this is his new life, he is so sure and cocky.
The last 24 years seem like one big lie to me and I am questioning my judgement. My confidence and self esteem are at rock bottom and I feel so ashamed that my husband has left me for another woman.
Will the kids blame me in years to come that I drove him away ? It is all my fault, a husband doesn't leave a wife if he is happy and he obviously wasn't.

Cheater's script isn't it. He will say anything to justify his appalling actions. It was his fault, not yours. He doesn't hate you, he hates himself for what he has done.

Anne i have only just read your thread and admit I haven't read all replies.

I coukd have written your OP and subsequent posts. My H left me last summer after 17 years. I have 2 dc who are under 5.

All your feelings are the same I have had. Your H's actions are very similar to his too. I do not know him anymore. I too would have taken him back if he had asked.

It was boxing day all this changed. I found out he had left his grieving DF on his own all day xmas day, despite promising me he would never do this. I had offered to go round instead if he was busy. I was mortified his poor dad had been alone for the first time on xmas day.
i honestly lost any feeling for him at that moment.

He too has been incredibly vile to me. I keep wanting to scream-"I've done nothing wrong?! You're the twat!".

I am in a totally different place now. I am exhausted with the dc and working full time. But, I am happier. I am even going on a date at the weekend! I am stupidly excited. I feel like a kid!

I wish I had listened to others' advice about solicitors. I haven't seen one. And now he is saying that he is no longer prepared to pay what he is paying (more than csa as dc in childcare) and he is no longer prepared to sign over the house into my sole name. The guilt has gone.

I want to give you a big hug! Definitely .

Your dc know what he has done. They of course don't blame you. Promise x

Anne don't be ashamed - that belongs to your husband and his OW.

You didn't tell your husband to sleep around - he did that all on his own.
You didn't drive him away - you just made a bad choice when you married a two faced man. Lots of women make this mistake, and it isn't your fault, it is his.
The fact you are even thinking it is your fault suggests your husband was messing with your head for some time.

It wasn't that he wasn't happy - he just fancied a change. I doubt he's happy now in fact, because he can't work out the life he wants.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

His behaviour is textbook.

If he admits there was nothing wrong and he was happy in the marriage, then he has to admit all fault for his cheating and leaving the marriage. By rewriting history, his actions seem less bad, to him.

You say he feels no guilt and didn't speak to you all day at hospital because he hates you. I'd say, he doesn't hate you. When forced to face the woman he betrayed I would imagine his guilt would be all to apparent to him, so he ignored you to ensure that his guilt didn't show.

I agree with previous posters, you need to get legal advice. He's probably going to try to shaft you financially.

Just rttt. How are you, op?

Just read as well OP an update would be brilliant

Make sure you always look your best when he calls for your Daughter. Try very very hard not to give him any grief (he will be getting plenty of that with the OW) Wishing you all the best.

Fucking he’ll. the Surrendered Wife has arrived. What a load of bollocks. 🙄

Anne as a divorced woman I would say, just trust your gut on the £££ front, you sound really sensible. Read the telegraph link above, IT HAPPENS TO BE TRUE.

That you will pay off the mortgage in 3 years time is really important. Because it also means that you stay in the house because you have to look after the children.

It means he continues to pay the bills.

It also means that you are protecting him, from her. She sounds very predatory and controlling, and not likely to last.

It means that there is time for the shiny to wear off (she sounds charming).

My ex never wanted to get divorced. And when we did, it means he no longer has any excuse for soulmate #4 who is now pushing 'for commitment'.

She is much younger than she is, and wants children. What have I done, long term to my own children by getting divorced?

There are times when I really regret divorce, why? Not emotionally. Because I am not interested in a new relationship (I was really heartbroken, 25 years and your story is mine) but my income has gone down and I lost my home.

So we could have been separated as we are anyway, whilst he shagged around but I kept my protection of joint bank account etc. I know it doesn't sound very brave, but the Realities of Life are just those.

Think carefully and don't do anything in a hurry. I would up my work hours though, and start saving.

This thread started in 2014 ! But would love to hear how OP is doing now

@lovethesun100 same here!

I can assure you, his current relationship WILL fail. He will regret it but whether or not you choose to wait around and take him back is another matter. He has shown a side to himself which is weak and uncommitted. I wouldn't want him back knowing what you now know. I am so sorry but you are young and with nearly grown dc. Please. Move on and ahead. Get good legal advice and move on. Life will get better.

ZOMBIE thread!