Is he cheating on me?

[anoldchestnut]

For those of you that haven't followed my DH and porn thread here here is a very brief synopsis.
A few weeks ago I discovered some gay porn images that dh had printed off the internet. I was obviously concerned as I thought it might mean he was questioning his sexuality, but (thanks to mn!) got my head around this and began to view it as something potentially exciting as a way of spicing up our sex life. However despite trying to talk to dh about what he wanted in the bedroom dept. got nowhere.
A few weeks later I discovered more pictures and a pack of condoms with some missing from the pack. Obviously I thought he had taken this 'fantasy' a step further and was cheating on me - with either a man or a woman.
Well I confronted him last night, and I can tell you it was the most difficult thing I have ever done. I was shaking, heart pounding etc etc. However I did it and managed to remain calm. He went as white as a sheet and denied that he was sleeping with someone else. He basically said he was bored with our sex life as we usually do oral sex (cos he doesn't like condoms LOL - I have just gone on the mini-pill ironically to try and improve things) and used the condoms when he was masturbating. He kept on denying there was anyone else, and I kept saying 'how can I believe you with the evidence' to which he just kept saying 'well it's the truth so it's up to you whether you believe it or not'. I said if he was honest with me I was prepared to try and sort our relationship out, but unless he was totally honest there wasn't much point. He said he didn't want to leave me or the dcs or our house and I said 'well the next move's up to you'. Basically he then went to bed. He didn't put his arms round me or anything to re-assure, just got defensive and kept denying it.
This morning he re-iterated that he wasn't sleeping with anyone else and reminded me that he had got suspicious when I started wearing thongs and waxing my bikini line. (FWIW I did this cos I lost a lot of weight and started to feel good about my body and wanted to feel sexy too). I said 'yeah but I never hid those things from you'. He then said he's just been feeling really bad about himself and I said if that was the case he was suppose to talk about things with me, not hide them. We couldn't really talk much this morning as the dcs were around.
So basically where do we go from here? Has anyone ever heared of a man masturbating using condoms????? Sounds dodgy to me I have to say although I want to believe him.
There seems to be three possibilities:
1 That he was telling the truth, in which case why hide things from me, and why buy more condoms when there's plenty at home?
2 That he is questionning his sexuality, but again surely that's something he ought to tell me about?
3 That he has been cheating (don't know much about body language but if he was embarassed about the porn or w&nking surely he'd have gone red not white? Going white is a sign of guilt isn't it?)
Whichever is the case he has been keeping things from me, being deceiptful(sp?), and there is no communication, all of which I think speak volumes for how he regards both me and our marriage.
The trust has gone and it will take a long time to build back up, if it does at all.
So what do Mnetters think - is he cheating or not?
Gosh that was long - apologies and well done for getting this far!

I don't know if he is cheating, but I'd definitely be just as suspicious as you in your shoes.

I'm glad you've finally confronted him about that, tho' it was obviously a very difficult conversation. Maybe now he knows you know he'll start facing up to whatever's going on in his head.

No, I've never heard of anyone wanking with a condom on and that's why I think you're right to disbelieve him.

I don't really know what to advise - would he be prepared to go to couples counselling? Then again, that would only really work if he can convince you that he's definitely not seeing anyone else.

Would you stay with him if he's been involved with someone else but breaks it off now? FWIW, a close friend of mine has told her husb. she's broken off her 10 year affair, but it's still going on, so you can't just take his word for it.

No idea if he is cheating or not but it all sounds odd to be frank.

How are you in all of this? He doesnt seem to be supporting you just getting cross.

If he doesn't like condoms, why would he use them whilst masturbating?

I have heard of people wanking with condoms on. But then, I've heard of nearly everything.

Frankly, whether or not he's cheating on you is somewhat immaterial at this point. (I suspect he is, though.) Your relationship isn't in a good place. Is counselling etc an option?

Completely agree with SoupDragon if he doesn't like condoms why would he be wearing them to masturbate. Sounds like a load of crap to me.

I have to agree with the going whit thing as well.

I think is probably cheating. I suppose the good side if there is one is that at least he is using protection which lowers the risk of your catching something from him.

i cannot answer your question, i don't now you or your dp.

I can say however that it isn't unusual for men tp use a condom whilst masterbating as they help to de sensetise the penis a little. it also aids lubrication...and (sorry for the TMI)they also prevenyt the ahem, mess.

If your hubby has been considering the use of porn and particularly male only porn why not consider experimenting with this sexual side of things with him?
I know it may sound bizaar to you but how about an anal toy that you could use with him?

The male G spot is located just inside his anus (guess thats why they spend SOOO long on the toilet) so it makes sense that they would enjoy anal sex.
There are many many different aids you can try and if used gently along with lubrication they can be very enjoyable for bothpartners.

I am more than happy to discuss various other aspects off board...im not at all bothered by the convo but am sure you would rather do this privatly.
if so by all means CAT me.

Gosh message so quickly! Well done for reading this everyone, and thanks.

Yes I would be prepare to go to counselling, even if I found out he was cheating, but only as long as he was prepared to be totally honest with me. I don't know if he would be prepared to go though. I'd like to think that if he wants our relationship sorted out then he'd be prepared to do anything, although I think he needs to really think about if he wants our marriage to be saved before he can decide on counselling, so time will tell with that one.

I've accepted the fact that he probably is cheating, and come to terms with the fact that our marriage might be over. I am prepared to try and make things work though, however I am aware that even if we really try the trust and communication just may not ever be there and that would be the end.

I'd be sad about that of course, but that isn't really the sort of marriage I want so I think if things don't work out splitting up is the right thing to do, although it is very scary, but it wuold enable both of us to move on.

Batty - he doesn't like me touching his bum - I have tried with my fingers a bit and he just moves away. I think sexually he likes other peoples backsides. I'm quite happy to try and spice things up though, but when I've broached it with him he doesn;t seem interested.

what an awful situation for you. It does sound very suspicious, I'm afraid!!

I also asked my dh for his opinion on this one as it may help to have a male's view. He reckons a man generally wouldn't use a condom to masturbate in, but he also said that he wouldn't waste money on a box of condoms for the reason of masturbating as they are expensive - compared to the use of a tissue.

I hope he opens up to you soon and you can start fixing things together.

(((HUGS))))

Is there any other behaviour that suggests cheating, ie, late in from work, working weekends, friends you havent heard of before, changes in appearance or spending more money on clothes??

Do you have the same friends?

It's hard to tell. Some men masturbate into condoms, so it's not an impossible explanation. If he's cheating and using condoms that's better than cheating and not I suppose...small comfort.

Has there been less sex between you both recently not that that really decides things.

If he went white as a sheet that sounds suspicious. Why not just try normal things like more romantic meals together, going out on your own together, more early nights. So in other words try seduction rather than inquisition if he won't talk about things.

I would try and get him to go to counselling first without - he may open up to a stranger and not you. I'm sorry this all sounds suspicious to me, but I'm jaded as my H had an affair. One of the pointers for me were the condoms I found, as h has been sterilised so we didn't need them and guess what the packet kept empyting. I suggest that you do sit down and tell him that you are obviously both unhappy with the way things currently are and suggest that maybe he's be happier talking to someone else about his feelings if he won't talk to you. Sending you much support and many hugs

If they're so stupid as to keep condoms at home and use those it's as if they really want to get found out or else they're as thick as a plank.

On face value alone and I don't mean to sound brutal, but I would say, yes, he is cheating on you.

I think you know in your heart when your DPs face goes white - with fear, guilt etc, its pretty clear, despite your hopes otherwise.

Having said that, I don't know either you or him, so his reaction to your questioning could be symptomatic of something else...

It doesn't sound like a fun situation though and I'm sorry you're going through this one.

DH says w*king into a condom is called a 'posh' w*k - so called becasue of the lack of mess

There isn't any other behaviour that suggests cheating, but then something's been going on for a while and I haven't spotted any changes in his behaviour other than what I originally posted. He works from home a lot so has always had plenty of opportunity.

yes we do have much the same friends, though I have some friends of my own and he does too, but we knw eachother's friends IYSWIM.

Yes sex has been dwindling.

I broached it again with him last night. He opened up a bit more, told me basically he was depressed and felt he had lost his identity as a person which I think is true. He said his family never talked about things and that's why he feels uncomfortable talking about things with me. This is true. It took quite a while talking about this and the root of his depression, and I think given that certain things are going on domestically i think some of his problems will sort themselves out over the next few months.

However later on I said can we talk about the sex issue, and he said, no I don't want to talk about that. I said well we'll need to at some point and he said OK.

However none of this has really made me feel any better. I still feel insecure and genuinely don't know whether he is cheating, questionning his sexuality or just having a 'posh wank' (thanks for that phrase cece!). He certainly isn't ready to open up to me about how he feels about sex with me, other than saying he's bored of oral sex these days. So I'm still left wondering. He hasn;t tried to re-assure me that he stills loves and wants to be with me. There is no affection, no hugs, no aologies for how he's making me feel. This could be symptomatic of his depression of course - it's hard to comfort someone else when you yourself are feeling down.

This morning I was slightly distant and he said what's the matter and I said you know what the matter is. It just felt like cos he'd talked a bit last night that he thought everything was going to be OK. He doesn't seem to realise that it's going to take an awful lot more than that, and I'm not sure at the moment whether he's up to that or not. I'm not prepared to stick with our marriage if this is how thing remain though.

I will suggest councelling if things don;t get any better, but I don't think he'll be able to open up to anyone.

Thanks for listening!

Oh, dear. Years ago, I found an open packet of condoms in my ex's bag after a weekend away. He got all blustery and aggressive and tried to turn it round on me - how dare I go through his bag?? - (don't you just love how they turn nasty when they're backed into a corner?)
Anyhow, he had been having an affair, and buggered off a few weeks later. Doesn't mean that is the case for you, though, good luck.

I think it is all a bit stranghe to tell you the truth. I think printing off pictures of men etc is a bit weird too. Did you ask him about this when you brought up the comdoms?

Does he keep his mobile phoone with him at all times?

Fisrt rule of afairs...never let your phone out of your sight
Just a thought.
really hope all this works out for you.

sorry bout my tpyos. ds sitting on my knee. I also hope you can things out. Nothing worse than not knowing the truth.

sorry bout my tpyos. ds sitting on my knee. I also hope you can things out. Nothing worse than not knowing the truth.

hi,

Im 4 months or so past finding out the my dp had an affair, it has been really tough going and i do sometimes wonder if it will all be worth it, but i know the end result will be worth waiting for (at least i think it will), on the down side i do still think about it every day but that could be more to do with my hormones being pregnant than anything else, if you need a chat just say ok!

oops posted on wrong thread (can you tell i dont post often sorry)

Usually keeps his mobile with him, but deletes the call history regularly, and it's not difficult to delete texts is it? I do check it though and there's nothing suspicious that I've found.

Yes I did mention the porn at the same time as the condoms - this is when he went as white as a sheet. He just said it was something different that's all and got very defensive and denied there was anyone else. I need to bring this up again with him and will do, but as I said earlier he just doesn't want to talk about this so whether I'll get anywhere I don;t know.

I've downloaded demo of some spyware software though, so I've got about 12 days of free computer monitoring so will see what he gets up to tomorrow when I'm at work and he's at home.

He's just texted me to say he's gone to the pub with a client, and he's out tomorrow so no chance to do any more talking.

I'm feeling quite strong though and remarkably calm. I've decided I'd rather be unhappy and alone that with someone that makes me unhappy. At least if I'm on my own I have a chance to do something about my unhappiness. I'm not ready to throw the towel in yet though.

You sound like you;ve got the right attitude aoc. And it is better being alone than with a philanderer!
Good luck

You can buy key strokes software which remembers the keys typed and can put that on the machine he uses, the PC at home.