Is he cheating on me?

[anoldchestnut]

For those of you that haven't followed my DH and porn thread here here is a very brief synopsis.
A few weeks ago I discovered some gay porn images that dh had printed off the internet. I was obviously concerned as I thought it might mean he was questioning his sexuality, but (thanks to mn!) got my head around this and began to view it as something potentially exciting as a way of spicing up our sex life. However despite trying to talk to dh about what he wanted in the bedroom dept. got nowhere.
A few weeks later I discovered more pictures and a pack of condoms with some missing from the pack. Obviously I thought he had taken this 'fantasy' a step further and was cheating on me - with either a man or a woman.
Well I confronted him last night, and I can tell you it was the most difficult thing I have ever done. I was shaking, heart pounding etc etc. However I did it and managed to remain calm. He went as white as a sheet and denied that he was sleeping with someone else. He basically said he was bored with our sex life as we usually do oral sex (cos he doesn't like condoms LOL - I have just gone on the mini-pill ironically to try and improve things) and used the condoms when he was masturbating. He kept on denying there was anyone else, and I kept saying 'how can I believe you with the evidence' to which he just kept saying 'well it's the truth so it's up to you whether you believe it or not'. I said if he was honest with me I was prepared to try and sort our relationship out, but unless he was totally honest there wasn't much point. He said he didn't want to leave me or the dcs or our house and I said 'well the next move's up to you'. Basically he then went to bed. He didn't put his arms round me or anything to re-assure, just got defensive and kept denying it.
This morning he re-iterated that he wasn't sleeping with anyone else and reminded me that he had got suspicious when I started wearing thongs and waxing my bikini line. (FWIW I did this cos I lost a lot of weight and started to feel good about my body and wanted to feel sexy too). I said 'yeah but I never hid those things from you'. He then said he's just been feeling really bad about himself and I said if that was the case he was suppose to talk about things with me, not hide them. We couldn't really talk much this morning as the dcs were around.
So basically where do we go from here? Has anyone ever heared of a man masturbating using condoms????? Sounds dodgy to me I have to say although I want to believe him.
There seems to be three possibilities:
1 That he was telling the truth, in which case why hide things from me, and why buy more condoms when there's plenty at home?
2 That he is questionning his sexuality, but again surely that's something he ought to tell me about?
3 That he has been cheating (don't know much about body language but if he was embarassed about the porn or w&nking surely he'd have gone red not white? Going white is a sign of guilt isn't it?)
Whichever is the case he has been keeping things from me, being deceiptful(sp?), and there is no communication, all of which I think speak volumes for how he regards both me and our marriage.
The trust has gone and it will take a long time to build back up, if it does at all.
So what do Mnetters think - is he cheating or not?
Gosh that was long - apologies and well done for getting this far!

Hi

I've just been asking my DH's opinion on this, he does think it's possible your DH had a "posh wank" and since your DH works from home that's why they're in his briefcase (I realise he goes out with clients but this is also like his safe at home).

DH didn't like idea of gay porn but said perhaps some guys might find it a turn on without it being a whole sexuality issue, also were most of the pictures with women with strap ons etc? Perhaps he likes the idea of the woman being a dominatrix?

Well I'm not sure if I have helped at all but I just wanted to say that my DH certainly didn't think that this would give him the impression your DH is cheating on you. Even the white face thing.

Me being me would be a little suspicious about the condoms in the briefcase - what's the difference between those and the ones at home?

I hope your DH opens up to you because I do think there's a little more that needs to be discussed on his part.

You sound very strong,

chestnut: When I read your previous post, I did think that he might be w@nking with condoms, because they were in the same place in his briefcase as the pictures. It sounded like he was taking the pics to work, doing the deed in the toilet or something, and just using the condoms to keep the mess together (and also because they possibly play a part in the kind of sex he is fantasising about?) If he was having an affair, he wouldn't have porn in his briefcase.

It does sound like the porn might be becoming a bit of an issue for him.

But if I was in your position, I would probably believe him.

He works from home and only goes to the office once or twice a week, plsu the condoms were used and the porn printed off on his 'home' days (although no condom wrappers in the bin - unless well hidden), so I don;t think he;s doing it in the office. The ones he bought were the same as the ones we use(d) at home - again why buy new ones when there's almost a full pack at home?

So do people think it's possible he is telling the truth, at least about the not cheating part? If he was cheating isn't it possible he was using porn with this other person?

Some of the pics were of women with strap ons, but the majority was gay sex. I could deal with this quite happily if he was honest about it. It's the deceipt and hiding things from me and the fact that he doesn't feel able to talk to me that really bothers me. He must know what it's doing to me, to us, but still he won't talk. Early days I guess.

Yes the software I downloaded does monitor keystrokes so we will see....

Just wanted to say have followed both threads and think that you are doing increadibly well, what a lovely wife you are. You are being far more understanding than a lot of people would be and giving him time and space, which I would find impossible.

If he isn't cheating, which FWIW I don't think he is, and if the gay stuff is all fantasy then do you think you can make your marriage work?

Hi Chestnut

I've changed my username because dh knows what my usual one is and I don't want to see that I have been posting this on here. Mind you if he sees this post he will know exactly who I am.

I can really identify with what you are feeling and was actually going to post a thread myself.

Well, here is my history:

Last year while I was pregnant with out 2nd dc, dh got an email from a woman colleague which said "naked food fight in the boardroom, be there or be gutted". He didn't tell about this, I saw it has he was reading the email. He assured me that there was nothing going on that she is only a work colleague and as far as he is aware she sent it as a joke and doesn't think she has any feelings for him. My pov was that you don't send something like that unless you have been given the wrong impression by the other person. Why would she imply that he would be gutted unless she thought she had something 'worthwhile' to offer him? A naked food fight is hardly something innocent like a game of golf, is it? He said he would speak to her if she ever did it again. I thought about it and it isn't like he had the opportunity to have an affair. He never went out for 'drinks after work/got delayed at work'. My mother would say if they want to cheat they will always find the time and way. Anyway, I decided to drop it.

A few weeks later a found a photo on our computer of a naked woman in the 'doggie' position and his penis was also in the photo. He had printed a photo of a woman and took a photo while wanking over it. Immediately, I thought he was having an affair and they were having some sort of internet sex because the photo looked like he was taking her from behind. He was a work so I rang him and told him to get home and explain himself. In the meantime I checked our temporary files and his email and saw that he had been looking a porn websites for months while ds and I were sleeping. I had assume that when he was coming to bed in the early hours it was because he fell asleep in front of the TV. When he got home he told me he hadn't been having an affair but had been looking at websites and had printed the photo because he didn't want to wank at the computer in case I walked in. I felt betrayed and that I didn't 'do it for him' despite always being up for a shag and having a higher sex drive than him. There were some many things were he would turn me down because he was 'tired' or was watching football. The thing was we watched movies together. We had sex toys and I was willing to try most things. But it was enough. Once, I got over the initial anger and decided it was a 'guy thing' and nothing to do with me. After all I've seen to my own needs without him knowing and watched porn to get me in the mood. I have my own fantasies that I haven't shared with him. He promised that he won't do it again and that he loved me and didn't want to lose me. It was almost like I was a mother who had caught her son wanking. He was very shamed etc etc. So I dropped it and told him I loved him and as long as we had honesty in our marriage we could get through anything.

A week later I asked him if he had been looking at any porn sites and he said no. Next morning I checked that internet history and sure enough he had been. You can only imagine how I felt. Especially when I told him that we could get through anything as long as he was honest. He had lied to me again and broken my trust, which is very important to me. It is one thing to omit the truth and a completely different thing telling a blatant lie. That is when I really lost it and told him to get out. He cried and apologised etc etc. I couldn't leave him. I still love him, was 33wks pregnant with a 19mnth old. No family or friends in the UK, they live at the opposite end of the world. So, I left it was distant for a long time and slowly started getting SOME trust back.

Well, this week he didn't sign out of his emails so I saw that the woman at work had sent him a joke email. To him only no one else. Asked him about it he got defensive and said that she is only a work colleague that there is nothing going on that she has email from long ago and sends him jokes once in a blue moon. Well, two in eight days is hardly once in a blue moon. He said he doesn't find her jokes funny, well he told me one of them so he must have found it funny. I asked him if he spoke to him if he ever spoke to her about the 'naked food fight email' and he said he did, not long after. Other blatant lie because up until now he said he didn't speak to her because he felt awkward and he had to work with her. He said he only lied to keep the peace. God, you would think he learnt by now that lying only makes it worse. Then he said that he spoke to a male colleague that he does consider as a friend and that he spoke to her for him. I rang the bloke and he said he didn't see the email that he didn't remember discussing it with dh and that he never spoke to her. How can he not remember it is quite especially as dh said he told him it caused massive problems in our marriage. So, is he cheating on me? I'll never know. I noticed all his sent items have been deleted and when I checked our temporary internet files after he got off the computer they were gone but he denies deleting them and doesn't know what happen to them. I don't know what or who to believe. I can only hope that someday thing will become apparent. He denies having looked at any porn site since the 'porngate' and says he doesn't email this woman but where are his sent items and what happened to our temporary internet files?

What is it with men?

As far as your dh and the condoms. He most probably didn't want you to know so he brought new condoms and use one to relief himself into because if he used the ones you have at home, you would notice and if he got anything on his clothes you might notice it when you do the washing, I?m assuming you do it and if he did the washing you might find it strange. Also, using a condom would desensitise the feeling and prolong the anticipation. Only they can tell us if they are cheating, unless someone who knows something comes clean with us.

So what is every elses opinion on this?

Sorry to go on and on but I'm in the same boat and excuse any typos etc, definitely typing and think straight with two small children climbing all over me.

Will post more later hopefullyhelpful, but in the meantime you might want to try this:

keystroke logger

Hopefully helpful I think you need to back off. Your husband likes porn. He lies to you because you will get upset if you find out. You can't MAKE him give it up.

I'm not saying what he does is Okay but you simply cannot mould someone into the way you want them to be. You have to decide if you want to be with the person they actually are. You are married to him but you don't own him and can't control his thoughts.

Phoning up his colleague is a step too far. I would be very angry if my dh did that to me.

I feel deeply sorry for these men, stuck in utterly hideous relationships. They are living in a police state, not a home - spied on all the time, hassled all the time, denied their privacy...and the women doing it have this utterly ghastly sense of total entitlement to behave like this.

Ye gods. If my OH tried to pull that shit with me, I would leave her in a heartbeat, kids or not - they deserve better than to grow up in an utterly miserable household. Those poor blokes must be so desperately, desperately unhappy.

OK here is the scoop. Men wank. OK? I think it was Martin Amis who said that a wank is quite a good substitute if you want sex, but sex is no substitute at all if what you really want is a wank. He got that spot on. Sometimes I want a wank. Not a shag - a wank.

If you have some decent porn around, you get most of the feeling of doing it with a gorgeous babe, without any of the spying, paranoia, or shrewish accusatory self-righteousness. Porn is a wanking accessory. That's why we wank over porn. It's like wine with a meal. It's nothing personal.

Oh, and also we like a bit of fresh. But getting fresh by being unfaithful is cruel. So we wank to spare your feelings. Don't you ever wank? Do you always always think about hubby when you're wanking? Exactly. Porn? Same thing.

Wanking into funbags? Sure, do it all the time. It feels different => it is fun. Why did he hide it? Well, maybe he knows perfectly well that you're psychotic enough to count the condoms, and he didn't feel like discussing his wanking habits with you?

Why should he, anyway? How is it any of your business? It's just a bodily function. You are a part of his sex life. Just one part. Maybe quite a big part, I don't know. But you are never, ever, ever 100% of it and don't let anyone tell you different.

My DP is a small part of mine, which also includes wanking, porn, and the occasional high-class Estonian whore. As a man, you just have to find an optimal ratio. Mine is about 20% her, 70% wanking/porn, and 10% whores. I am not unusual. I am typical. Where I am in a position to know, all the men I know - all of them - wank and use whores. At £150 a pop for anal sex with Olga from Ekaterinburg, who can't afford the odd whore from time to time these days, as a treat? Boy am I looking forward to Bulgaria and Romania joining the EU!

The gay stuff? OK, most men have a gay phase. Mostly it's when they're about 14. Men get interested in dicks at that age. I was, from about 13 to 17. Some remain so. I had a crush on 3 or 4 blokes at school at that age. I'd have loved to shag them and used to wank about the thought quite a lot. They were the only naked people I got to look at up close, so they sort of filled in until women came along to be fondled.

Once in a blue moon, I still do. It still works. Kinda funny really. Wanking over 15 year old boys! At my age! I have never had an actual gay experience though. Obviously I've looked at gay porn but it would have to be somebody I knew to get me off.

Maybe he fancies anal? Have you offered? Why not? Think of something you'd like to do sexually - then imagine you're never ever going to do it as long as you live. Settle for that would you? I wouldn't.

The women at work? Big deal. So he has female office mates. So do I. I imagine she doesn't count his condoms, steal his mobile phone, check his internet history, phone him hysterically at work with psychotic accusations, or install keyloggers on his computer so she can spy on him more easily. Gee, why do you think he would enjoy the company of a woman like that, when he's got you at home? What on earth can he be thinking about?

I don't care if you don't do it. Why is that? Maybe you don't because you don't get the opportunity - but otherwise you would? Maybe he's attractive - but you're not? Hmm? You better be careful here. Maybe he has options. Maybe you're going to push him into taking them up...who has more to lose?

Get over it and leave these poor guys alone. Think of how you are making them feel about you. They are just acting like guys. They try to insulate you from the harmless guy stuff - and this is the thanks they get? Puhleese!

I agree with darlink. If you rang a workmate of mine, you would have got yourself an instance divorce, with the trial separation commencing that very minute. And I would blow every penny of my net worth on greyhounds and whores and bankrupt myself, having fun, before I'd see you do it.

I can always generate more wealth because I always have. Can you say the same?

Watch it. You are in more trouble than you know. You have no idea.

All I can say Peter is thank God most men aren't like you, though you may think they are.

This is probably going to come as a big surprise to you but - WOMEN HAVE FEELINGS!!!!! I do hope at least at least 80% of your dp's sex life does not involve you, and do you know what, I expect Fritz or Rolf or whoever she's getting it off with is a lot more fun that you are!

How many people on this thread are for real?

Dominiconor is that you?

Peter I am always glad to get a male perspective and yours is certainly very frank!

I am interested in whether you would mind your partner seeing prostitutes

I am sure your post will shock some people but I found it very interesting and agree with a lot of it. ie I agree that is how men are - of course there is a wide spectrum of sex behaviour - and women should realise that.

The trick is to partner with someone who is at a part of the spectrum you are happy with. If My husband used prostitutes that is too far along the spectrum for me and I would be off. If he installed a keystroke monitor on my computer, and read my text messages I would be off too.

I would not be dancing with joy if I found out he was wanking over images of 15 year old boys

You said "You are just a part of his sex life. Maybe a big part" so true and I don't know why some people ( male and female) don't understand that.

l.o.l men wank to spare our feelings

PeterNorthfacial -

DP ( if you have one!)

i'm sure would be thrilled to know she is a 'small part' of your sex life

Sorry AOC but how would you know what most men are like? Who are you relying on for your info? Other women? Cosmo? The Femail page in the Daily Mail?

Peter - One day someone is going to give you a taste of your own medicine and then a lot of people are going to sit back and love every minute of it.

Darlink - It is not the wanking or porn I have a proper with. It is the rejection time and time again and the lies. Me: 'Love come upstairs and have a shag, etc' Him: 'No, I tired/not in the mood' then he is on websites until 3am. When his ds wakes up and wants daddy and not me, he's to tired to comfort him because he isn't having enough sleep. When on a friday our 'take away and cuddle on the sofa watching dvds' night he falls asleep at 9pm. These are the things i have a problem with. A couple of days before I found out the first time, I sat him in front of a lesbian porn and gave him a hand job with the new toy I got him. I told him in no uncertain terms that it wasn't the porn it was the rejection and the lies and that I want him to let me know his fantastics/desires, etc. As for phoning he friend. He is the one who orginally suggested it when it all kicked off and was with me when I phoned him 4 days later. I didn't go looking for these things. I found things then went investigating.

Easy Peter - the majority of men I know CARE about their partners. Your attitude is one of couldn't give a stuff about mine! No wonder 80% of your sex-life is by yourself or paid for!!!!!

oldchestnut of course Peter does not speak for all men but I think more men think more like him than most women think. (confused??)

I have three male friends who are EXACTLY like Peter. - that's just the ones I know of.

They are completley normal, attractive, intelligent happily married fathers who keep rather a lot secret from their wives.
They are not "bastards" .

hh the rejection would do my head in too.

Why do you stay with him?

I agree darlink. I think this is a lot more common than most women would like to believe.

Personally I wouldn't give a stuff about porn but would hate hate hate the prostitutes thing.
Having said taht most of my bfs have used them at some point or another.

£150 for a blow job ? that could buy the weeks shop

That really is a bit harsh . Don't believe she was actually slagging off her husband about his tendencies, the poor girl just wants to know that he isn't cheating on her, which is not acceptable for probably every woman in a loving relationship. My DP does not use prostitutes, he never has even when he was single, it just doesn't float his boat. So some men do believe in loyalty and fidelity and think you are so far out with you opinion that all men are like this. NOT ALL MEN ARE [ANGRY]

You are talking crap basically and justifying your own behaviour.

Course they are "bastards" Darlink if they are being unfaithful. Its unforgiveable and totally disloyal.