Is he cheating on me?

[anoldchestnut]

For those of you that haven't followed my DH and porn thread here here is a very brief synopsis.
A few weeks ago I discovered some gay porn images that dh had printed off the internet. I was obviously concerned as I thought it might mean he was questioning his sexuality, but (thanks to mn!) got my head around this and began to view it as something potentially exciting as a way of spicing up our sex life. However despite trying to talk to dh about what he wanted in the bedroom dept. got nowhere.
A few weeks later I discovered more pictures and a pack of condoms with some missing from the pack. Obviously I thought he had taken this 'fantasy' a step further and was cheating on me - with either a man or a woman.
Well I confronted him last night, and I can tell you it was the most difficult thing I have ever done. I was shaking, heart pounding etc etc. However I did it and managed to remain calm. He went as white as a sheet and denied that he was sleeping with someone else. He basically said he was bored with our sex life as we usually do oral sex (cos he doesn't like condoms LOL - I have just gone on the mini-pill ironically to try and improve things) and used the condoms when he was masturbating. He kept on denying there was anyone else, and I kept saying 'how can I believe you with the evidence' to which he just kept saying 'well it's the truth so it's up to you whether you believe it or not'. I said if he was honest with me I was prepared to try and sort our relationship out, but unless he was totally honest there wasn't much point. He said he didn't want to leave me or the dcs or our house and I said 'well the next move's up to you'. Basically he then went to bed. He didn't put his arms round me or anything to re-assure, just got defensive and kept denying it.
This morning he re-iterated that he wasn't sleeping with anyone else and reminded me that he had got suspicious when I started wearing thongs and waxing my bikini line. (FWIW I did this cos I lost a lot of weight and started to feel good about my body and wanted to feel sexy too). I said 'yeah but I never hid those things from you'. He then said he's just been feeling really bad about himself and I said if that was the case he was suppose to talk about things with me, not hide them. We couldn't really talk much this morning as the dcs were around.
So basically where do we go from here? Has anyone ever heared of a man masturbating using condoms????? Sounds dodgy to me I have to say although I want to believe him.
There seems to be three possibilities:
1 That he was telling the truth, in which case why hide things from me, and why buy more condoms when there's plenty at home?
2 That he is questionning his sexuality, but again surely that's something he ought to tell me about?
3 That he has been cheating (don't know much about body language but if he was embarassed about the porn or w&nking surely he'd have gone red not white? Going white is a sign of guilt isn't it?)
Whichever is the case he has been keeping things from me, being deceiptful(sp?), and there is no communication, all of which I think speak volumes for how he regards both me and our marriage.
The trust has gone and it will take a long time to build back up, if it does at all.
So what do Mnetters think - is he cheating or not?
Gosh that was long - apologies and well done for getting this far!

Darlink -

It wouldn't especially trouble me TBH as long as she took precautions and if it was to get something I don't do. I once went out with someone who wanted to be spanked for example. Once or twice OK, I'll play, but she wanted serious pain. Childhood issues maybe. No thanks.

Sex with whores is the safest sex I've ever had. Condoms, gargling with vodka afterwards juuuuuuust in case...I've only ever had one STD, and that I caught off the office bike, not off a whore. Their personal hygiene is terrific in my experience (which does not extend to streetwalkers BTW - on the game, like in the office, there is a skanky caste at the bottom).

I have befriended a number of whores and hung out with them. One of them defined it perfectly: Men do not pay her for sex - they pay her to get lost after the sex. That's just it: what you want, with no hassle and no hurt feelings.

Incidentally I don't wank over pictures of 15 year old boys. Occasionally I form a mental picture of 2 or 3 specific ones back when I was one myself...and that's it. Once a year, maybe...Gay porn is only a mouseclick away though for those so inclined. Where's the harm?

I do find it quite funny that women on this thread can on the one hand incandesce about men wanking over porn, yet on the other challenge my observation that one's DP is only a part of our sex lives.

Cannot they see the doublethink in that? If my statement were untrue, why would men wank? It is not, for gawd's sake, a bl00dy precursor to infidelity!! It is scratching an itch, and the habit is hard to kick, seeing as we have had it from the age of about 12!! If your woman's a bit fat and spotty at the mo, you either end the relationship and find someone better or accept nobody's perfect including yourself, and you slot in a quick e-wank over some total babe. You couldn't pull her, and the wife couldn't be her, so what's wrong with that? Which would you rather have - a DP who wanks or one who strays? Either is fine with me. You choose.

Practical advice on wanking: lay off it...the more you wank, the more you want to wank. It is exactly, exactly like scratching an itch - brief relief, but then it comes back worse. If you stop, it kinda disappears. So then when you go back to it, it's more fun. The climax lasts longer, is more intense, and you also get more gloop which is also enjoyable. About twice a month is plenty.

I do not take my own advice though....

Exactly Nellie

I accepted the rejection years ago when it was in because he wasn't in the mood or wanted to watch football because I have always had a higher sex drive than him. I think it has something to do with his confidence from a previous relationship. When I found out last year that he was rejecting me in favour of porn, well by then it was too late a child was involved and I was pregnant. How long the porn websites have been going on? I don't know. Maybe, from the beginning.

The thing is when we watched it together always said that porn did nothing for him. Until last year I had no reason to distrust him. He is the only man I have ever trusted from the very beginning of I relationship and he knows that.

I do love him and he does have a lot of good qualities.

I can handle the porn but definitely not an affair. And because I know for definite that he lied to me in the past, I don't know whether to believe him. Especially, when he keeps changing his story about this woman.

Peter playing the old 'men are slaves to their desires' card is pathetic and childish and smacks of an unevolved human being.
Maybe if you were nicer to your dp you wouldn't have to pay some poor eastern european for anal.

I'm guessing it's Piers Morgan btw

lol at piers morgan

Peter some of what you say makes sense but your attitude is seriously agressive and verging on the sanctimonious

Also LOl at PM

I though CK could be peter

hmmm

peternorthfacial

has he posted on MN before??

just a little odd.....

but anyhoo- the issue is not the porn, the wanking etc

but the lying. which is a perfectly reasonable thing for a wife to get pissed off about.....i think all men use porn, masturbate and fantasise about other women to a certain extent and these things can be part of a healthy relationship.

but in this case, its not part of the relationship as the wife is excluded. would have no prob with DH looking at porn - but not to the detriment of our real physical relationship or relationship with his kids

eg up all night on computer, too tired to interact with kids

and certainly would have a big problem with him using a prostitute....

I do agree with Peter about the keystrokes software, checking phone etc. My dh recently admitted to checking up on me because one of our neighbours/friends kissed my cheek when we saw him in the pub. DH thinks he has a 'thing' about me even though I've not noticed and this guy is married with children. I was furious as have been totally innocent and I knew he'd checked on things I've said on here as well as my emails etc. I've nothing to hide, but felt very uncomfortable knowing I'd been checked up on. DH has promised never to do it again and admits her was being unnecessarily jelous.

Having said all of that there are some very suspicious goings on, but I think I'd just have a straight forward chat with him, not worrying about him not wanting to open up. It's a marriage on the line here.

My ex checked up on me.. Was innocent he wasn't it was his own guilt

He is now my ex.

zippety:-

My DP does not use prostitutes, he never has even when he was single...you are so far out with you opinion that all men are like this. NOT ALL MEN ARE

LOL. Yeah, that's exactly what I tell my DP.

DP: "Have you ever used a whore Peter?"
Me: (SHOCKED) "Me? MEEE? Use a whore?? Never! Even when I was single!"
DP: "That's a relief."

Look, as Tony Blair would say, I "resile" from my assertion that "all men do this". It's more like "all of those who can afford it". There's a mental hurdle to be overcome before you first do, but everybody does. Are you with a professional type - accountant, banker, whatever - on about £70k a year or more? If so, zippety, I've got bad news for you...he has shagged whores. And perhaps still does.

AOC: it was 100% with GFs and another 20% with whores when I was single. What makes you think paid for is worse BTW? It's better. There is just noooo comparison.

Overdraft: £150 gets you a lot more than a BJ. It gets you everything, basically, unless you want pain - that's going to cost you more. And that's London prices. In Sofia, we'd be talking a quarter of that.

Feel so sorry for your dp peter. You are a deeply boring man.

why do you not just go out and have an affair instead of spending money?

if so much better with whores, why have a partner....?

My DP does not use prostitutes, he never has even when he was single...you are so far out with you opinion that all men are like this. NOT ALL MEN ARE

LOL. Yeah, that's exactly what I tell my DP.

DP: "Have you ever used a whore Peter?"
Me: (SHOCKED) "Me? MEEE? Use a whore?? Never! Even when I was single!"
DP: "That's a relief."

so you're a liar too.............nice..

women that shag other peoples husbands aren't right minded and would know nothing about his thoughts on women

I think Peter has made his bullshit opinion known and is now wasting our time. He obviously has to pay for sex because his dick is the size of a newborn's and he looks like a toad.

I wouldn't want children with a whore, thanks. That's what civilians are for.

As for having an affair, why? I don't want an affair. I want the odd expert shag, involving things she won't do. An affair in contrast would be a long-term deception of my DP, involving a lot of planning and lying, and incidentally would be a lot more money for a much less expert shag. This is preferable on every count.

Incidentally I read somewhere that there are 80,000 whores in London. Wonder who's keeping them all in business?

Back to the original point: these guys don't sound at all guilty to me. There's a continuum of male sexual behaviour and it's a lot less chaste than you might imagine. Wanking, checking out gay porn and exchanging emails is totally, totally mainstream. If you're shocked by what men's lives are really like, well, welcome to reality. I'm shocked at you lot, all giving each other smart tips on where to download free spyware and keyloggers. Nice. Really nice.

Lying about it is reasonable too. Frankly, I just don't have the energy to get confrontational about every little thing, and if the confrontation couldn't be resolved, the OP is going to take this guy's home, children and income away. Why wouldn't he lie to reduce that risk? I would.

His life must be hell.