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Original poster

Did having children ruin your relationship?

76 replies

jabberwocky · 09/10/2006 22:50

Dh and I had such a fantastic relationship before having ds. I know that my having PND was a big part of the downturn, but it makes me so sad that the only thing we seem to have now is ds. Instead of being a wonderful addition to our marriage, it seems that he is the only reason that we even have one anymore

OP posts:
notasheep · 09/10/2006 22:53

Yep,very common i think

Original poster
jabberwocky · 09/10/2006 23:03

depressing, isn't it?

OP posts:
harrisey · 10/10/2006 00:37

No.
Even though I had bad PND that even hospitalised me and I had 4 suicide attempts (bad time in my life), having kids has made us so very much stronger.

They bind us together, they are out joint acheivment, They are not essential to our relationship but they are a huge part of it. We love them unconditionally.

This is all the result even of a hard pregnancy when we were not sure if dd2 would make it or if I would be left with serious health problems - we are both OK now.

Having children with him has let me see him as a daddy - and I have to say I have never loved him (nor wanted him) more!!!!

Chandra · 10/10/2006 01:19

Ermh... yeas and no, the relationship is stronger now because we have this huge responsability that binds us toghether, however, many times I just feel like a sherpa sorting the camping and carrying the "equipment" around while they entertain each other.

Alibaldi · 10/10/2006 01:35

I thought it was a wonderful thing for our relationship. Sadly I'd underestimated dh's jealousy and inability to share.

mamamaaargh · 10/10/2006 02:05

I'm with Alibaldi - it was great for the first 12 weeks or so after ds was born, then suddenly dh (soemwhat less d these days) just changed him mind & left . He says it isn't to do with ds, but it seems like a strange coincidence to me - we were very happy for many years and then he just changed his mind, 3 months after having a baby. Hmmmmm. Am sure most men are better able to cope with parenthood than mine (I certainly hope so, anyway).

Original poster
jabberwocky · 10/10/2006 03:22

Oh, my, mamamaaargh, that's so awful. Do you think it's some male version of PND? Is he willing to go into therapy?

OP posts:
mamamaaargh · 10/10/2006 03:47

Jabberwocky (love the name btw), I thought it might be PND but it turns out he's just selfish and seems to want to be single. Whole other threads (that I hijacked about this) but we're beyond therapy now. All very sad but at least I have ds. And I know other men are much more mature and able to deal with the change in lifestyle etc. Hope your is and that things work out well for you...

peegeeweegeeWITCH · 10/10/2006 09:21

Nope - the stress of sleep deprivation, my pnd, and the halving of our joint income put some pressure on, but having children has definately made us stronger. We worked through the above issues, and our dc are our joint achievement. We both take delight in their progress and their antics and feel we have a very strong family unit.
I love my dh deeply but it is only since having children that I really appreciate what a strong and kind and hardworking person he is.

FioFio · 10/10/2006 09:24

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Bugsy2 · 10/10/2006 09:27

Categoric yes here. Ex-H just couldn't get to grips with the selflessness required when raising children. He couldn't bear the restrictions they placed on his life. He couldn't cope with the fact that I was so knackered working & looking after two tiny children that he was not the top of my priority list. So, he had an affair & left!

southeastastralplain · 10/10/2006 09:29

having children is the biggest test of a relationship we had loads of rows when our sons were small, it's hard. how old is your son?

expatinscotland · 10/10/2006 09:29

NO. It enhanced it.

ks · 10/10/2006 09:32

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FioFio · 10/10/2006 09:33

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frenchconnection · 10/10/2006 09:36

Yep it certainly ruined things for us. am now splitting with my 2nd partner (father of my 2nd child) although he is an amazing dad. our marriage is just one where we live under the same roof and he tells me to go and have an affair so he can leave.

Pruhoohooohoooooni · 10/10/2006 09:37

In some ways our relationship is buggered.
I mean, my brain has switched into ds-related overdrive, and there's not a lot of room for dh in there. He is a naturally passive person, so he would let things slide without knowing that was what he was doing. If he were a bit more proactive..ah well, but he isn't. What I mean is, I find ds exhausting, I find motherhood exhausting and relentless (as well as charming, fascinating, fulfilling and all those things), so having to keep our relationship going almost single-handed is just another task atm.
I haven't got a single friend, not one, who is happy with the way their dh approaches their relationship post-child. I know for myself, if he'd stop asking me what he should do next and just get on and do it, I'd have just that bit more brain space for him. He doesn't comprehend this at all though.
Still, we're all right, I think.

frenchconnection · 10/10/2006 09:38

Agree with ks, my personality has changed for the worst since having children, used to be happy and carefree, now stressed out, miserable, feel selfish all the time for wanting them to leave me alone, sleep deprived, snappy etc.

GoingQuietlyMad · 10/10/2006 09:39

Yes. It does change your relationship. How old is your son, because it does get better again after the first few months?

southeastastralplain · 10/10/2006 09:42

it does get easier! and you eventually 'find' yourself again

foundintranslation · 10/10/2006 09:42

We had an incredibly rough few months after ds's birth, not because of ds as such but because the new situation brought (for me at least) a lot of issues into focus about the way we were living, and dh found it rather difficult to respond to the way I was feeling. We were both communicating incredibly badly . Now things are better, which is helped by the fact that we are moving and rearranging our work/family responsibilities soon; we are ttc and have suffered 2 mcs, which ironically has made us stronger, because he has been absolutely fantastic at giving me the space and support I need to grieve in my own (albeit imperfect) way.

JessaJackOLantern · 10/10/2006 09:47

I am slowly finding myself again, ds is nearly 14 months old. It has changed our relationship, largely due to just not having time to spend together being a couple, so it really feels as if we don't talk any more. Both tired, both somewhat stressed.

MadamePlatypus · 10/10/2006 09:53

No, is better since having children. However, we had quite a few 'tests' of our relationship before having children which we managed to weather, so maybe we are just in a more settled place now anyway.

jessicaandrebeccasmummy · 10/10/2006 09:54

Ruined - NO
Changed - YES

DH was my be all and end all before we had the girls, and to some degree he still is, but he shares it with 2 other gorgeous little girls.

We dont spend as much time as we should together as a couple, by the time the girls are in bed, and the chores are done, we just tend to veg out and collapse in a heap, BUT we do still say I love you ten million times a day, hold hands when out and cuddle up together.

We love each other to the end of the earth, but while the girls are small, we both know that their needs come first.

DH is the best dad the girls could have and I thank him daily for that.

expatinscotland · 10/10/2006 10:00

DH and I were married 13 months when DD1 came along.

We knew each other about a month before we married.

I think a lot of people have very high and unrealistic expectations out of life in general and relationships in particular, tbh. Just my opinion, but that's my general observation.

JARM's post is spot on.

As my father always says, 'If you want an easy life don't have kids.'

They change things, yes.

But ruin? Well, IME, something was amiss w/one or both the parties in the relationship, and the relationship itself when this happens.