Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Did having children ruin your relationship?

76 replies

jabberwocky · 09/10/2006 22:50

Dh and I had such a fantastic relationship before having ds. I know that my having PND was a big part of the downturn, but it makes me so sad that the only thing we seem to have now is ds. Instead of being a wonderful addition to our marriage, it seems that he is the only reason that we even have one anymore

OP posts:

LadyMacbeth · 10/10/2006 10:02

J&RM - Your situation sounds v similar to ours!

DH and I are going through a relatively stressful time with dds (age one and two). However, we do still love, respect, fancy and LIKE each other massively. So I think we'll get through it. Just hoping it starts to get easier soon.

jessicaandrebeccasmummy · 10/10/2006 10:05

LadyMacbeth - our kids are the same age too! Jess is 2.2 and Becky will be 1 in 2 weeks!

Judy1234 · 10/10/2006 10:10

It was a bit different for me because we had children right away so there really wasn't much of a relationship before to compare with. May be that was a good thing. We toured the maternity unity on our first wedding anniversary. Didn't really get on very well before babies so I'm not sure it was any worse after. Divorced now.

LadyMacbeth · 10/10/2006 10:13

J&RM - dd1 is 2.7 and dd2 will be 1 in eleven days' time!

Yours are VERY close together then!

anniemac · 10/10/2006 10:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

lazycow · 10/10/2006 10:15

dh and I were talking about this the other day. Our life has changed considerably and in a lot of ways so has our relationship but I certainly don't think having ds has ruined our relationship.

When ds was born we both said that it seemed natural to love ds more than anyone so he came first for both of us but that in time as ds grew up and needed us less we both felt that our relationship might come to the fore a bit more.

At the moment it is on the back burner a bit - still simmering gently and being stirred and checked occasionally to make sure it doesn't burn.

anniemac · 10/10/2006 10:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

anniemac · 10/10/2006 10:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

fennel · 10/10/2006 10:26

I'd say it's improved it, mainly because I think DP is a fantastic father and before we had children I wasn't sure that in practice he'd be the 50:50 childcaring, houseworking ideal co-parent of my dreams.

DP would say it's worse as we have less sex. that's about his only measure of a relationship

booge · 10/10/2006 10:27

So far it has brought us closer together, we love being a family and team. That's not to say there haven't been rows and tough times particularly when DS was tiny and I felt as if the responsibility was mainly mine. Working through those times has made us stronger though, DC 2 is expected in the next few days and I am not expecting life to be plain sailing again for a while.

MwaHaHappyDaddy · 10/10/2006 10:31

Personally, it made ours even stronger. I never felt jealous of the bond dd and dw have, I think it's wonderful. I loved every second of night feeds and no sleep, even going to work the next morning too. I felt and feel so proud of my family that I threw myself into it. Being a SAHD helped change any silly thoughts of it being a chore or lesser than working.

I still pinch myself that I'm so lucky as to have a beautiful, wonderful wife and our dd.

SherlockLGJ · 10/10/2006 10:32

Relationship was good/ is better in some ways.

Now the bank balance is shoite with a capital S.

This working part time has left us broke with a capital B

Would I swap ?? not for anything.

colditz · 10/10/2006 10:33

Yes probably, but I'd rather have the kids tbh.

VoluptuaGoodshag · 10/10/2006 10:41

Not ruined - yet! But I've been thinking about our relationship a lot since the kid were born and I can't say I'm happy. DH is a wonderful dad and a good husband but the interest has gone from our relationship and I'm bored rigid by him at the moment. Pre kids our relationship was based around doing lots of things together but now I realise that there was not much other intellectual communication. And because I don't work anymore, or see my pals as much my relationship with DH is much less diluted so I am looking to him to provide me with that stimulation. Perhaps this is unfair of me but hey I gave up a lot to look after the kids and I'd just like a bit more from him. Soulmates we ain't.

Here's our last fortnight - on holiday for a week which was good but lacked any worthy conversation and had a few niggly arguments. DH got a cold latterly so became a grumpy git. On returning home he was out the country with work for a week and I had a great time pleasing myself and the kids, reading in bed until late,etc. He arrived back on the Friday morning and was grumpy coz he was tired, went out on Saturday (pre arranged so didn't bother me) so was still tired and then had something else on on the Sunday. Last night we agreed to sit down together for a blether and some us time - no sodding conversation and we ended up going to bed at 9.40 and he was asleep by 10. I'm sooooooooo bored by him - doesn't bode well does it

joelallie · 10/10/2006 10:56

Ruined is too strong I think. I'm with those who said their personality changed for the worse after kids - but not after the first after the third. I think I was happier, calmer and more generous than I had ever been in my life when I just had the 2 - no#3 seriously f*cked things up for us. And when I'm not up to par our relationship suffers as I'm the one who makes the effort normally.

Still hoping that things will improve slowly.

BloodyTenaLady · 10/10/2006 11:10

PND didnt help, but according to my dh yes it did ruin things. (excuse the Halloween name)

Pruhoohooohoooooni · 10/10/2006 12:01

Have been thinking about this. WHilst I do think or relationship has suffered, is suffering, a bit, it is compensated for by the fact that I have seen a side of DH since ds was born that I didn't know before and that I love and respect enormously.
I mean, lfe with small children isn't easy and I think we are both suffering atm with that (dh by proxy, perhaps) but that side of things will get better.

frenchconnection · 10/10/2006 12:03

joelalli, agree with you there - i changed after my 2nd child was born, i was quite happy with the one child!!!

peegeeweegeeWITCH · 10/10/2006 13:15

Fio - in case your comment about lots of help/time to be together/lying was aimed at me (am paranoid as it is directly after my post ) can I just say that in my case you cannot be further from the truth. Hubby works from 7am to 6pm every day, and works every other weekend. We have no family help (my family are abroad, and we don't get on too well with his as such) and we certainly can't afford paid help.

I suppose we are just a good match and are able to talk through any problems. We have a stonking row every 4 months or so and that keeps us on an even keel

I can't help but feel that people whose relationship is ruined by kids were not well matched in the first place...

blueshoes · 10/10/2006 13:38

Definitely not ruined. But different and stronger. Our children are still young, so there is the feeling we are in the trenches together. There is so much more depth - the adjustment to our first, dd - who had a heart condition and major surgery at a few months' old, her difficult temperament. Now just added a second to our family ...

Dh has come through way beyond my expectations, despite my occasional moodiness. But parenthood is a lesson in letting go ... of yourself and putting someone's needs above your own, for years and years and possibly forever more. And both need to come to terms with that ...

Marina · 10/10/2006 13:47

Agree with the not ruined, but changed forever views here really. It's exposed the weak spots in our relationship, and tested it to the limits. I think Fio is right in general with the lack of time/support issue, because that applies to us and I know it is when we are tired and overstretched that we snap at each other and are unkind.
Before we had the dcs I was quite happy to be the strong, decisive, organising partner. Now with two more little dependents I find myself wishing dh would grow up in some respects and do his share of all that. Just as Pruni says really - be a little bit less of a barnacle and more of a proper crew member.
But he is a great dad and a loyal and trustworthy partner so I count myself lucky overall. And we have two smashing children

beckybraAAARGHstraps · 10/10/2006 14:08

We have always had different roles in our relationship. Having children has really emphasised those different roles, but fortunately we are comfortable in them and they are complementary, so it has worked well for us.
If there isn't that complementarity (is that a word?!) then I can see that having children could cause problems.

And we have a lot in common, but just enough difference to mean that there's always a debate to be had.

And of course I love him. And strangely, I don't feel as though I love him for being a good dad, although of course he is. It's just I would never think of giving that as a reason. I loved him before we had children, and I just assumed he would be a good dad I suppose.

Amaretto · 10/10/2006 14:59

Ruined is not the right word for me too but changed yes. I think for me the problem is that we haven't changed in the same ways.
I tend to take the DC needs into consideration first. I do have my 'me' time - when I am working. But there is not a lot of place left for US as a couple.
I think DH has changed but ressent a lot the fact that we can not spend anytime on our own (I mean having a day 5 times a year would be a major major acheivement for us. Haven't had one since ....the day we conceived ds2 ).
PND has being a very testing time for us too. I am just coming into term with it, 3 years after. Not the despression itself but I think it influences the way you behave even after the depression itself has gone. On that side, i can not thanks DH enough to have stuck with me during that time.

Original poster

jabberwocky · 10/10/2006 16:40

Wow, I'm surprised at all of the responses. Thanks for all of the great comments.

Hmmm, not matched well in the first place, no, that's really not us actually.

I think the comment about the selflessness is a good one. Although dh is a fabulous dad, he really enjoys the "fun" part of being with ds and not the drudgery that running a household with a small child entails. It probably doesn't help that we were both single and childless for a looooooong time and reveled in high times within the arts communitiy both before and after we got together.
Now, dh's art career has taken the back burner and I'm sure there's some resentment there. He is also still having issues with his father's death, which occurred only 9 days after ds was born.

All in all, I guess it is true that we both changed after ds was born (he's 3 btw) and have yet to find our new meeting place.

OP posts:

motherinferior · 10/10/2006 16:46

I have no idea. We'd only been together five months when I got pregnant, so I don't know whether we'd still have been together or whether we'd have been blissfully married or really what shape our relationship would have been in.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread