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Original poster

Did having children ruin your relationship?

76 replies

jabberwocky · 09/10/2006 22:50

Dh and I had such a fantastic relationship before having ds. I know that my having PND was a big part of the downturn, but it makes me so sad that the only thing we seem to have now is ds. Instead of being a wonderful addition to our marriage, it seems that he is the only reason that we even have one anymore

OP posts:
Original poster
jabberwocky · 10/10/2006 17:04

I have heard people say that it can be better that way as you don't have a lot of comparison.

Dh and I were together 4 years before ds was born.

OP posts:
Issymum · 10/10/2006 17:05

Not ruined but changed. Sometimes we feel like we are only partners - thoughtful, co-operative, communicative partners who share the same objectives - not lovers. When we get the time, the energy and the space we can go back to that pre-children place and it's wonderful. Just don't do it enough.

We will have been together 25 years this Christmas (we met when we were 17!) and both of us acknowledge that, since the children arrived 5 years ago, we are to some extent drawing down on the relationship credits accrued in the first 20 years. That's OK, but it can't go on indefinitely.

oxocube · 10/10/2006 17:45

Not ruined but it makes it bloody hard in my opinion. I'm truly hoping ours can recover

expatinscotland · 10/10/2006 17:49

Some people just love the having kids/babies bit. Some men included!

I've been fortunate to have close experience with many, many couples who felt their relationship was better and stronger w/kids in the mix, some who'd been together for a while, others who had kids soon after marrying.

It may be a generational thing, it may also even be a 'class' thing.

I've found a lot of very educated, strong achievers, etc. very unhappy w/things after kids came along.

IME it all has to do w/expectations, no matter where or how those were formed.

Gobbledispook · 10/10/2006 18:11

No.

It's been strained at times, but usually when we are tired and snappy. Otherwise we are good.

I think if I worked outside home things would be very different. Don't get me wrong, working from home with 3 small children has been hard and we've bickered a lot - usually about dh pulling his weight when I'm snowed under - but things are easing up now that all 3 are in school/nursery in the mornings.

We have most evenings together now, I can shop and do household things in the day so we aren't as snappy with each other. There is less pressure on the weekends since I'm not having to work as much on weekends now.

However, even when times have been stressful the one thing we always do is talk. Sounds really cheesy but if either of us is really getting down (usually me!) we talk it through, a bit like a counselling session! It really works though. I can sit down and really pour out how i feel and why, I can run through all the things that are putting pressure on and he always sees my point and helps to take it off.

We do work as a good team although I'm definitely driving things adn having to nudge him into remembering his role!!

Having time to talk to each other and actually communicating how you feel is vital I think.

motherinferior · 10/10/2006 18:15

I find that on the occasions I get time to talk to DP, I wonder what the hell we're supposed to talk about.

I suspect we're basically incompatible, but we get along pretty well

Gobbledispook · 10/10/2006 18:17

Just read through thread - we were only married 9 months before I got pg so didn't have years of being child-free anyway so there wasn't anything we hugely missed when ds1 came along.

My decision to give up work (albeit to go freelance) had had a huge influence - while it's been hard work for me I think it suits our 'family' better than if I was out at work.

We've gradually got better off over the last 5.5 years since ds1 was born too - moved to a much bigger house and are generally more comfortable with more disposable income. We don't have money issues so don't argue about it at all - I think that if you are struggling financially, that must bring extra strain.

motherinferior · 10/10/2006 18:19

I have to say that since DP and I have been together for, ooooh (counts fingers) six years now, which is longer than either of us have clocked up with anyone else, it probably hasn't ruined it. And maybe we're not as incompatible as I always assume when we're arguing over what to watch on the telly.

LucyJones · 10/10/2006 18:26

No, it has made us more tired, irritable and stressed with each other but it hasn't ruined our relationship. If we'd never had children that wuld have ruined our r'ship as for ages I wanted them and dh didn't and that was our main source of conflict and started all our arguments

jac34 · 10/10/2006 18:39

Having children changed our relationship for the better.DH already had stepDD when we met,there were problems to overcome and we did it by sticking together.We thought we'd had a stressful time.....then we had our DS twins.There was no time or energy left for either DH or myself to be selfish.We just mucked in and got through the harder times together.
We have had to work hard,to make our family a whole,but we have still tried to find time for each other.
Children have made us strong,they are all getting older now,and DH and I are finding more and more time for just us,which is great.

Marina · 10/10/2006 20:57

Issymum made such a good point about cashing in your accrued goodwill from pre-kids days. We've been together nearly 20 years but parents for only seven of those and we need to pay in a bit more affection and lightheartedness I think. Not sure Mning upstairs while dh watches an angling DVD downstairs is a good way to proceed

WideWebWitch · 10/10/2006 21:05

I kept looking at this thread and thinking I must read that! First dh and first child, yes, I think having a child proved what I already knew, which was that we weren't basically compatible. So it just made clear that which should have been obvious really.

Second time, dh and I already had ds and he'd proved himself as a stepfather but it's still hard: she didn't sleep for 1.5 years, I worked away for six months, we moved house, life is stressful sometimes, blah blah. But no, having our dd has strengthened our already strong relationship imo but then, she's not my first and I do think child no 2 was easier for me because I made such a mealof it first time round.

how old's your ds Jabberwocky? It does get easier as you move from the mire of first time parenthood and being knackered into the fun bits. Do you have anyone who will have ds so you can getg away just the 2 of you, for 2 nights? (sorry if you've said, have skimmed thread)

WideWebWitch · 10/10/2006 21:08

Jabberwocky, just read your more recent post, aah, so dh does the fun stuff and leaves the rest to you? Enough to piss anyone off I'd say. Have you talked to him about it? Because I think having a child does make lots of people slip into trad roles or what they think a father/mother looks like without consdiering how it might make the other partner feel.

WideWebWitch · 10/10/2006 21:09

And I bet if you re negotiated those kind of terms and conditions you'd feel a/ a lot happier b/more loving towards him.

hatwoman · 10/10/2006 21:28

it has certainly not ruined it. It has changed our relationship immeasurably - in a lot of ways, for our current situation, for the better. We are very good co-parents, we pull our weight, and we more or less agree on all the big parenting issues - it took some effort to get here but we did. we communicate well, we respect each other, we are considerate. We're good company for each other. We're a really good team. And I am very happy being in this team. Having children has given us more in common, given us a common bond and purpose. The fear, of course, is that it's such a huge part of our lives that we won't know what to do with ourselves when the kids don't need us any longer. well, it's my fear. dh won't hear of it.

NotSoUseless · 10/10/2006 22:35

not ruined it for sure. it's certainly made it better but I miss the amount of time we can dedicate on each other.

some rough bumps along the way though...adjusting

Wordsmith · 10/10/2006 22:44

We were together for 16 years before we had kids so I think we had settled into a steady routine by then anyway, but it was still a hell of a shock. It made our relationship stronger in the sense that parenthood has bound us together more tightly and you have to work things out whereas before you may have walked. I always used to say it wasn't marriage that kept a couple together, it was a joint mortgage - after having children I think it is they that do it - in the sense that if all else seems crap you will keep going for the kids. That is good in a sense because most of the time you come through the other end of the crisis whereas you may have given up long before without the 'glue' of children.

However I would say having children has given our relationship more meaning and depth than it had before. However I do miss the time when it was just the two of us and I would love to be able to have the odd weekend away from the kids to rediscover 'us'. But unfortunately we don't have the support network to make that possible, although it may be easier when they are older.

Wordsmith · 10/10/2006 22:45

Apologies for the double however there.

Original poster
jabberwocky · 10/10/2006 22:51

www, that's a lot of it, I think. DS is 3 and I am 30 weeks pg with baby #2. We used to be very social and now dh makes no effort to go out at all My parents are available quite often to babysit, but we hardly ever take advantage of that.

I have to say, after I started this thread last night I had a serious discussion with him. This morning he let me sleep in, made breakfast for ds and cleaned up the kitchen afterwards

Maybe there's hope after all...

OP posts:
MINNIE1 · 11/10/2006 09:11

jabberwocky
How did you get him to do that! can you send him round to mine and have a chat with my DP!.
I think being pregnant stalls the relationship, im 33 wks pg and DP and i are cool with each other. We still love one another but the physical side has disapeared, we are as before but just no loving IYKWIM!! Looking forward to having bubs and getting back to normal (what ever that is when there are two small babies!)

Original poster
jabberwocky · 11/10/2006 10:01

You know, that's what's so odd to me about the whole thing. The physical side is the only thing that has stayed consistent the whole time - even while pregnant!

Hmmm, I used to laugh about being in it just for the sex

But seriously, I think maybe he tends to get so far into himself sometimes that he just doesn't "see" things IYKWIM. Maybe that's the artist in him. I pointed out some key things and he really had no choice but to agree.

Now if I can just get a date night or two before the new baby gets here I really will be hopeful!

OP posts:
Sakura · 11/10/2006 12:05

anniemac, I know exactly what you mean about finding your real self again after having a baby. Since giving birth really feel like I`ve been born again myself, as a fresher, sexier, more important person. The sense of achievement and purpose is amazing. Having a baby has actually cured my depression!!
I am wrapped up in my daughter, and I have to force myself to give a bit of me (time and attention) to my husband. But he is helpful and understanding (doing all the housework/shopping at the moment) so that has a knock on effect because I have more energy to give to him.

MINNIE1 · 11/10/2006 12:22

My sex drive has disapeared since the arrival of UTI and thrush!! and having no energy. Cant wait for the cold night to creep in where we can cuddle in bed and have us time! (in my case that can be quiet dangerous, Must sort out contraceptive before then. DD9 months and 7.5 months pg)
You need to sort out one night in the week where its just you and DH. But men dont have the same understanding as we do. They dont see certain things until pointed out to them!

FioFio · 11/10/2006 19:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Manderley · 11/10/2006 19:54

God, yes.