Can't believe it

[etatdechoc]

NC although I don't often post on MN (customary lurker). I have been married to my DH for a long time ... Things have been somewhat difficult between us since the arrival of our last DC (we have 3). No DTD for several years now due to prolonged night breastfeeding, DH's frequent business trips away, my work from home involving some late nights ... Anyway, I just went online to check our email account and saw a message coming in which immediately went to the Spam folder. Clicked on it and saw an XFlirt account with his photo, his work situation ... He has selected about 15 women as his favourite contacts, and asked for the private photo album of one of them. From the date, it was when he was away on his last business trip recently. I am completely numb and don't know what to do or say to him. I guess it is partly my fault as no intimacy for a long time now, I am just too tired and seem to have lost my desire in that area. Any help and advice would be greatly appreciated, thank you.

OP - you won't read this but trust me - he has already cheated I think - because all this happened when he was away on his last business trip! So he's had time to meet up for sex etc.

I just hope he used a condom and for your sake really I'd get an STD test done.

You are being quite silly here being an ostrich (I've already doled out sympathy) and probably are panicking about divorce etc as a possibility.

Out of some of the women I know personally who got cheated on they had intact libidos of their own, liked sex just as much as their cheating bloke and still got shat all over. Your stream of consciousness vhd , as entertaining as it is to read, is chockfull of generalisations and assumptions about not very much at all

OP look at what you posted before you knew the truth. When he was still lying to you:

I have suggested going to the police and he has agreed that it may be a good idea, but that in the meantime he will get IT at work to check things out on Monday... My instincts are still saying that he is telling the truth on all this. He was horrified when I asked him outright about it last night, and after this many years married to him I believe his reaction was an honest one.

You say that your instinct was to believe him, yet something led you to post here. I think your instinct, your real instinct is spot on but in your mind, your rational mind, you are not yet ready to see what is plain to others.

I can't see that he is hiding anything. He was quite upset when we were on the website in the process of deleting his profile, but he hates anything sleazy so to me his reactions were very much in keeping with how he usually is.

You are grasping at straws. He is acting the way he thinks you want him to be and you are allowing yourself to accept this act as real.

This is what I posted to you earlier on the thread and it still stands. We will be here for you, when you are ready.

'OP this has changed things in your relationship now. You will never think of him quite the same as before, even if you try very, very hard to ignore this or forget about it.'

'It will always be there. It's quite likely that you will want more support at a later date, that you will want to talk it through when he is no longer interested in listening to your concerns.'

'That's all perfectly normal and mn will be here for you.'

Good luck.

He is lying

This will go one of 2 ways:

1. He will be emboldened by your ostrich approach and continue maybe even go further and meet with people also.

2. He will feel as though he has dodged a bullet and hopefully you two can sort this lack of intimacy out together.

I don't know your situation but I feel you should prepare to LTB, start saving some money. Also since he works away a lot keep an eye on the finances. I hope for your sake scenario 2 plays out.

when all said and done this is a wake up call. Nobody is shackled to another by chains, but if you love your partner but don't have a libido, it's a very very hard place to be . My first marriage ended for exactly this reason. Young Dc's life engulfed in caring for them. I dreaded bed time as I couldn't think of any excuses anymore but didn't want to discuss it . He was trapped in a celibate marriage... eventually he started to have affairs and you know what ? I was relieved... I no longer had to think of excuses.. the long and short is that he eventually met someone he not only wanted to sleep with but wanted to be with, something I stupidly hadn't forseen.. . A year down the line I met someone, turned my world upside down yada yada ..now married 7 yrs and no sex for 10 months due to meds (his) not mine and the shoe is on the other foot, I could jump his bones at any point but it's not going to happen, the big difference here is that we talk about it... we make the time to be together, to be intimate in other ways. It takes work and is not always easy, especially when he was so * fantastic in the sack

So he lied again.
What part of "just looking out if curiosity" included:

• selecting 15 women as favourites
• asking 1 for photos?

FFS.

You remember how you were especially upset that he'd used your child's name as a password?

Well, he did didn't he? Not a hacker

Your husband types in your child's name when he's on a hookup site.

Good luck love, you need it.

I'm so angry for you.
But also want to give you a big shake.

Maybe, just maybe, you could have trusted him if he'd said what he'd done. But he still hasn't. Just looking - no. Actively contacting - yes.

Enjoy all the sex you're now going to feel you have to have to keep him.

And whilst people are sharing anecdotes and women not putting out enough...
My prostitute using ex cheated from the start, on me, and now in his new girlfriend - definitely I had the higher sex drive, and presumably with the new gf they're in the first flush.

And among my friends who have been cheated on? All have complained about the decline in sex. When their partner was getting it elsewhere.

OP, I know you are still reading. Please don't demean yourself by indulging in lots of hysterical bonding

Cabrinha, so true

It really pisses me off when people come on here and basically blame the Op for not opening her legs enough. Victim blaming bullshit. Nobody deserves to get treated like this nobody not even if you never shag your husband. Men don't have a right to sex, even in relationships. If they don't want to stay in one where they don't get enough sex they should leave

They don't have to lie either. They can ask for an open relationship. Lying is the lowest. Shows exactly how much respect they have for their partner.

Lots of men cheat and their wives never ever find out about it. Lots of men go to prostitutes and their wives don't know. It's just simply a fact of life.

Yeah, lots of women cheat too but what has that got to do with OP?

Because people always think that their partner could never cheat. And swallow unbelievable excuses of why their phone messages all disappeared into thin air and how a hacker must have got into their computer or that workmate they text multiple times a day is just a good friend.

Not everyone thinks their partner could never cheat. I'm sure most people accept that it's possible. However, in OP's case there is a higher chance because of a) what he has done already and b) the fact that he is lying to her.

People only lie when they have something to hide.

Greys your advice is spot on actually but OP isn't back at work, probably lacking in confidence and won't think of an escape plan because it's too much of reality.

I think this will carry on and her charming DH will meet up with and have sex with women until he either meets one he leaves his wife for or just carries on having affair after affair.

And as I said before he's most likely met someone it's so bloody easy to do if you work away!

Hi OP,

Your thread title is 'Can't believe it'.

To boil it down, the advice on here is 'Don't'.

Best of luck with the DH who is so upset.

I like you too, vhd

Not in a sexual way, you understand

Bets on seeing another thread from the OP in the future?