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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can't believe it

170 replies

etatdechoc · 05/12/2014 13:18

NC although I don't often post on MN (customary lurker). I have been married to my DH for a long time ... Things have been somewhat difficult between us since the arrival of our last DC (we have 3). No DTD for several years now due to prolonged night breastfeeding, DH's frequent business trips away, my work from home involving some late nights ... Anyway, I just went online to check our email account and saw a message coming in which immediately went to the Spam folder. Clicked on it and saw an XFlirt account with his photo, his work situation ... He has selected about 15 women as his favourite contacts, and asked for the private photo album of one of them. From the date, it was when he was away on his last business trip recently. I am completely numb and don't know what to do or say to him. I guess it is partly my fault as no intimacy for a long time now, I am just too tired and seem to have lost my desire in that area. Any help and advice would be greatly appreciated, thank you.

OP posts:
Mom2K · 05/12/2014 22:14

Ok OP - forgetting everything else...why aren't you upset that he clicked on the link in the first place?

Are you telling me that he is a stupid man, who seriously doesn't know he should not be clicking phishing links on a work computer? And why did he click the link to that kind of website? Not as squeaky clean and decent as I know you wish to believe or he wouldn't have even clicked.

We'll still be here for you when you come back to say you've found something else. You will find something else, or catch him in a lie. What he's already told you has massive holes in it. And on the unrealistic chance that it's true and identity theft has occurred - the police should be called immediately. He won't allow you to do that because he's lying. Test him.

babbinocaro · 05/12/2014 22:15

So sorry for you - your innocence is touching ... I felt sick when my OH confessed out of the blue to his affair and then I found a long history of married affair websites "just looking", a half woman, half child african facebook friend he was discussing his true love with, lunch dates with special female friends - just a general propensity to sniff around women hoping he might get lucky... eventually. Completely disrespectful and no way back even with best of intentions.. unless you get outside help and are completelg honest with each other....I wish you well.

Cabrinha · 05/12/2014 22:20

OP, I doubt you'll come back to post but I'm really hoping you'll at least read all this and maybe keep your wits about you a bit more as a result.

I really don't blame you for clutching at his straws. It seems so obvious to everyone else - but when it is you, you have kids, this isn't the man you thought you knew, you're desperate for it all to be a mistake... well, it's less obvious then.

Me and my XH - I managed to accept a horseshit explanation for a police letter warning him about his kerb crawling once! Confused

You're in a horrible place right now. Be kind to yourself, and don't be scared off here by the indignant voices. They're on your side.

Vivacia · 05/12/2014 22:20

I think the advice about the police is good. See how he reacts when you tell him that's standard advice in this kind of situation.

Embolio · 05/12/2014 22:28

Oh dear OP. I'm so sorry but I think he is lying to you - his story doesn't add up I'm afraid. Why would hackers use his personal info to set up a dating profile?

Mom2K · 05/12/2014 22:33

Yes, please don't be scared off. We're only posting out of concern for you. It's completely understandable that you don't want to believe he is capable of that...but it's best if you know the truth, and the only way you can find out what that is (one way or the other) is to take a next step. If you tell him the identity theft needs to be reported with the police, and then you do that together, then you can have that peace of mind that he told the truth. If not...then at least you know Flowers

Christmascandles · 06/12/2014 07:20

I don't know if you'll come back OP, but I hope that maybe you're reading these posts and maybe go back to mine of yesterday.

Deny
Minimise
Delete.

He didn't even get to minimise did he as you believed him at Deny.
But I'll bet you a months salary that if you go back onto that site (sorry can't remember which one it was now) his sorry the hackers profile will have been deleted.....

KoalaDownUnder · 06/12/2014 07:33

OP...I'm really sorry, but he is full of it. There is just no way that his story is remotely plausible.

Please, for your own sake, wake up. Flowers

Timeforabiscuit · 06/12/2014 08:05

I am very sorry you are going through this.

What I would say is that although you currently feel that this episode is over, it is a good idea to get regular sexual health checks for your own health - it isn't a big deal, it is not accusing of anyone passing anything around - this is simply a step to proactively manage your health.

I hope you're able to come back a read through the comments when you're ready.

YourKidsYourRulesHunXxx · 06/12/2014 08:16

If you honesty believe him OP, then tell your OH that you are going to the police station to report it (bluff) because you are worried about precious information/ photos being stolen. His reaction will say it all i.e trying everything to get you not to go.

muntermonster · 06/12/2014 08:16

So sorry to read this OP. I've RTFT and my XP did exactly the same. He had loads of porn and webcam accounts, which he claimed were set up automatically when his details were taken from other sites. Like you, I believed him. I understand the need to be reassured and to feel thus has all been a misunderstanding. But ask yourself what the owners if those sites have to gain by enrolling people without their consent? Nothing that I can see.

If you're determined to believe him, I suggest going along with him to his work Xmas dinner/drinks and saying to his colleagues, 'Did you hear how DH's personal details were stolen from his computer while he was on a work trip and used to set up webcam/dating profiles without his consent? Isn't that awful - has that happened to you too?' Their reactions will tell you a lot!

Also, the shaggy dog story he spun you sounds like the work of a practised liar to me. Anyone uncomfortable with lying to their partner would have stuck more closely to the truth.

If you can't bring yourself to disbelieve him yet (and I do understand this, I was the same in your situation), then at least be vigilant from now in. Check bank statements, phone records, speak to people he claims to have spent time with to corroborate his account of where he's been. I know you want to trust him, but he has destroyed that and you don't know what else he's up to. Don't end up with his running up debts in your name or borrowing from your family, as my XP did. Good luck.

TheWindowDonkey · 06/12/2014 08:43

Why on gods green earth would someone take the time to hack somebody es details and then use them for a profile on a site like that. Sorry OP, but I'd lay the entire contents of my savings account on the fact that he's lying.

TalesOfTheCity · 06/12/2014 09:01

OP, I'm a senior IT Manager with over 15 years experience in Internet and email security and what he told you did not happen.

Drumdrum60 · 06/12/2014 14:01

It takes time to absorb the truth. The truth is that he's a cheating prick who gaslights you when caught. Because you are decent you believe him. You are being naive.
Time will give you the truth if you look for it. Denial is giving you comfort.
Till the next time.

Saywhaaaa · 06/12/2014 14:33

I totally agree with the women who say that he should have communicated to you that he wanted intimacy with you BUT, sorry do you really think that men who have women that don't want sex won't get their needs met elsewhere. Righ or wrong this is what they will do I'm sorry to say. Flame me all you want but men will go elsewhere if they don't get their sexual needs met, it's just what some are capable of doing unfortunately. Perhaps you are incompatible. I know escorts and strippers who have plenty of clientele because wives have gone off sex. I laugh about the snobby try hard PTA wives at the school who have their noses in the air and think yeah your husbands are balls deep in an escort right now!! Like I said right or wrong unfortunately that's the way some men are. He should have told you then maybe you could have worked on getting your sexy back because a lot of women would work on it if they knew that there were MANY women that would like your husband as custom. He's in the wrong.

Original poster
etatdechoc · 06/12/2014 14:35

Thank you so much for all your support. I have read all the messages but it's difficult at the weekend with all our comings and goings. I have suggested going to the police and he has agreed that it may be a good idea, but that in the meantime he will get IT at work to check things out on Monday. This weekend the computer (his work portable PC) is staying switched off. I have told him he needs to go and delete his account on XFlirt, and this he plans to do tonight. My instincts are still saying that he is telling the truth on all this. He was horrified when I asked him outright about it last night, and after this many years married to him I believe his reaction was an honest one. I know we are not out of danger, but believe me, I will be monitoring this extremely closely.

OP posts:
Drumdrum60 · 06/12/2014 14:47

Say, that's such a sick and selfish post. Are you an escort who wants business I wonder. Why would you laugh at other women who have different priorities to you er like their children? You seem to think the person who has these men balls deep is the winner. Winner of what? A low life?

Branleuse · 06/12/2014 14:56

you havent had sex for years and are now worried he might be cheating??

He obviously wants to stay with you because hes given you some half arsed excuse about being hacked. You obviously want to be with him because youve lapped up the excuse almost as if its true!!

I suggest either working out why you dont want sex and making efforts to get intimacy back, or give him a get out clause. Really really not fair to force someone into celibacy

Branleuse · 06/12/2014 14:59

checking out flirty websites when your partner hasnt had sex with you for years, even when youve tried to talk to them about it, is hardly crime of the century

Saywhaaaa · 06/12/2014 15:09

Err no you buffoon drumdrum, I'm not an escort, I just know of these types. They don't see it as winning a fuckin low life!!! They see it as cashing in if you like while you wash their socks! I'm talking about the snobby PTAS types who feel so superior to other women when their so called men are fucking escorts! Touched a nerve obviously Drumdrum have I! I'm full in support of Op, just wanted to say right or wrong SOME men will seek their needs to be met with imposed u communicated celibacy that is all. RIGHTLY OT WRONGLY.

Saywhaaaa · 06/12/2014 15:30

What Branleuse and Pinklady said! Like it or lump it, whether we like it or not, that's just how it is with a lot of incompatible red blooded men and wives with low libidos. Throwing accusations and diverting attention away from this fact doesn't change that. I support you OP. Xxx

AnyFucker · 06/12/2014 15:42

Say, was a school gate mum a bit snippy with you once ? Poor you. Would you like to talk about it ?

Saywhaaaa · 06/12/2014 15:48

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Drumdrum60 · 06/12/2014 15:50

FFS I don't get the point of laughing at other women even if you perceive them as snobbish.

Drumdrum60 · 06/12/2014 15:53

Well done AF