Can't believe it

[etatdechoc]

NC although I don't often post on MN (customary lurker). I have been married to my DH for a long time ... Things have been somewhat difficult between us since the arrival of our last DC (we have 3). No DTD for several years now due to prolonged night breastfeeding, DH's frequent business trips away, my work from home involving some late nights ... Anyway, I just went online to check our email account and saw a message coming in which immediately went to the Spam folder. Clicked on it and saw an XFlirt account with his photo, his work situation ... He has selected about 15 women as his favourite contacts, and asked for the private photo album of one of them. From the date, it was when he was away on his last business trip recently. I am completely numb and don't know what to do or say to him. I guess it is partly my fault as no intimacy for a long time now, I am just too tired and seem to have lost my desire in that area. Any help and advice would be greatly appreciated, thank you.

eta I'm sorry but that sounds like total bullshit.

And i think a little along the lines of Pink, in that if anyone isn't getting what they want they will look elsewhere. I am in NO way saying this is your fault and i certainly wouldn't forgive my DH for cheating for any reason.

I am saying though that lack of intimacy without discussion with your DP could lead them to look elsewhere. I would expect a decent person however to end the relationship and not cheat.

That is total nonsense, OP. Sorry, but it is. Who asked for the private photo? Who added 15 women? Not hackers.

How clever are they to time it with a recent business trip? For a man who has intimacy issues in his marriage?

Please don't waste another few years of your life on this man.

Oh love.
I'm so sorry.
Had he been honest there'd have been a chance for you to work this out.
You know, if he gave a flying fuck about you, how he'd let you down, was genuinely remorseful and needed to make this work...

Instead he lied. Not even a good one.
Search the threads on here for similar.

It's really odd how so many men's accounts get hacked like this, profiles with matching passwords and photos... I don't know a single WOMAN this has happened to. Never seen anyone in Chat post "wow, weirdest thing happened to me..."

Please, you have had an emotionally exhausting day, I don't want to be nasty when you're going through this. But... Really? You're not stupid. You're really not.

You can sit back now and watch your marriage disintegrate as he carries on with the behaviour he has got away with, and you oh slowly mad knowing you've been a fool and never regaining trust because he doesn't care about you enough to apologise and work on this.

You poor poor thing.

He's an utter shit.

I'm really sorry that I didn't post earluer because I was going to say be prepared to get through the "someone else set it up" bullshit.

Why would someone else use his picture to get a shag? Is he Brad Pitt? And he used your child's name as the password. That's a clever hacker. I would have the conversation again, and insist on absolute honesty. He was online looking for sex and if he gets away with this it will eat away at you and he WILL do it again.

I want to hug you, and shake you at the same time!
Only because I've been there.

You really don't believe this do you? I understand why you'd leap at it.

Why would anyone hack like this? What's to be gained? NOTHING.

etatdechoc - how do you know what he says is true? Can you personally confirm that with his employer?

I would not be so quick to feel relieved or buy into what he's saying. I think the only way spam emails can collect your information, is if you actually click on dodgy links and then enter your information (this is called phishing). So he would have had to voluntarily click on the links to these sites and enter his information, ISWIM - and there is no explanation he can give you as to why he chose to do this on a work computer other than he wanted to, becaue he was interested in the erotic content that was sent to his spam folder. And if he would be willing to risk that on a work computer, then he already has a problem/is in the habit of doing it.

I would be asking to speak with his employer to find out how common a problem it is and having IT look into it. If your DH does not want you to or comes up with an excuse, he's lying.

Sorry :(

"Men will always seek sex if not getting at home, surely you must know this OP? Sorry if this sounds blunt but it's the cold hard fact of life hmm"

The crappy ones will. The decent ones will actually try to discuss things with their wives because they value honesty and communication.

Don't try and blame the OP for this.

Oh dear OP. I know you want to believe him but stop for a minute and think about whether any of that makes sense. I don't think so.

People steal your identity so they can buy things with your money, not so they can flirt or cheat online.

But I doubt it was phishing. He set the up profile, and friended these women himself. And if he didn't (and that's a huge IF) he still voluntarily visited sites like this and entered information, for them to be able to collect it in the first place.

So it's not good either way.

Just to add... this is his work computer. Most companies have better firewalls and security than people bother with on their personal computers.
My personal email gets flooded with spam crap. Though has never signed me up to a sex site... My work email? Not a single spam mail.

And as for waiting til Monday...
This is a serious issue. People could be having financial data hacked. Confidential work documents stolen. My company would be seriously pissed off with me if this genuinely happened to me and I didn't report the serious breach to IT help desk IMMEDIATELY.

Of course, he can't. Because his plan is to just tell you on Monday that he has when he hasn't (what's a minor lie like that, compared to seeking out women behind your back?).

When you steel yourself to confront the lying bastard again, let me give you a heads up on the next line: "I can't believe you don't trust me, this is awful, it's so unfair on me, because I can't prove I didn't"
Etc.

OK, I hear what you are all saying. But to answer your various points :

• the photo was on his work portable computer.
• He was not connected to the main work server, but on a hotel WiFi, on the date the posts took place so the work firewall would not have been operational.
• The login and password are the ones he would have used for work and would have been accessible to phishers (he has sinced changed them anyway).
• He has had several dodgy emails from this website, clicked on one, reached the front screen (payment) and then came straight out.
• He has also recenlty had a few strange messages from airline companies and others giving details only someone who had done a screen capture on his computer would be able to access.

This is what he says and I believe him, because he is a genuine and honest guy who has never lied to me.

Oh dear

Op, tell you what, mention to your dp that you will be contacting his companies IT dept yourself as these 'hackers' may have somehow got access to your personal information too. I would put money on your dp not letting you because of some bullshit excuse or that he is sorting it out himself and you dont need to worry. Op, there have been lots of other threads on here just like this and guess what? The dp is always lying, the hackers and friends having a joke seems to be the first excuses they come up with!! Think you need to consider he aint as squeaky clean as you think he is, sorry.

Well, good luck.

To be honest, I'd be fucking hurt if my husband even clicked on a spam mail for a sex hook up site.
(been there, waited for the HIV test result later)

In some weird world where this really happened, that it signed him up automatically... How and why did the "hacker" select favourites and message one of the women asking for photos?

And just to burst his fucking lying bubble a bit more for you... I just sent on xflirt. The first page isn't a payment page at all - it's a free log in screen. You search for free. So, he's a bullshitting arsehole there, isn't he?

It's mind blowing when you realise someone you thought of as having integrity, someone you deeply respect, turns out to be capable of quite sleazy deceit.

Takes more than a double take to absorb the situation.

How could a hacker/virus request a private photo? It isn't plausible.

And if it was spam, surely he'd be freaking out and contacting his IT dept (who probably have an emergency number for serious data breaches) so they don't think he's been visiting porno sites on the work laptop?

If my work pc had something like that on it I'd be on to IT like a shot, not waiting til Monday.

Think he's taking the piss

Okay for the sake of argument, let's say he was hacked and they captured all this personal information of his.

Why would they use it to set up an account on a site like this? I mean, these things are anonymous anyway, right, why would you need to steal someone's identity? And why use a fake picture if you might be webcamming or meeting in person?

And if someone did steal his identity, why is this and the supposed airline messages the only thing that happened? I assume he is sufficiently panicked that he's run a credit check and made sure no one has opened any accounts in his name or done anything to hurt his company.

It's not unbelievable he got hacked. It strains credulity that this is the only explanation for why he was on this site given he was away and you are having problems in your marriage.

OP, call the police right now

A criminal offence has been committed and it needs reporting to the relevant authorities

Do you think he would allow that ?

Did he have all this info at his fingertips when you asked him? Because I'd have thought he would be unaware of it . Why would a hacker sign him up to a sex site? I wish I could be glad for you that everything's OK, but been there, done that , accepted the explanation and suffered the years of doubt and questions. Is your picture on any dating sites,sexsites etc? Have you looked at the profiles of men on them and asked for naked pictures on them? No,and that's why there are no emails coming to you about it.

He has.

OP, in your first post, among the things that were included in the profile was his "work situation". What did you mean by that? That he work travels? Work situation doesn't sound like something that could be phished from a laptop.

YY to calling the police. If a hacker has access to your location and the name of your child I would be very concerned indeed. I would be calling 101 ASAP.

What PinkLady & PossumPoo said.

The other part of his story that smells of horseshit... That it used a log in and password he would have used for work, but he's since changed him.
Password - OK, I'll buy that for now. People change work ones frequently usually.

But Log in?
Xflirt requires an email address as your log in name. So he's changed his work email address has he? Liar.

But going back to password. He had your child's name as his work password? It's been a long time since my company has allowed a password of letters only. Not very secure. Of course I can't guarantee that the standard for them isn't letters and numbers. But I'd be curious. Just sayin'.

By the way, my thinking... That's the life I led for years, endlessly turning over small details, trying to prove to myself that he was telling the truth, hoping not to catch him out and have to admit to myself what he was. It's a shit way to live.