Can't believe it

[etatdechoc]

NC although I don't often post on MN (customary lurker). I have been married to my DH for a long time ... Things have been somewhat difficult between us since the arrival of our last DC (we have 3). No DTD for several years now due to prolonged night breastfeeding, DH's frequent business trips away, my work from home involving some late nights ... Anyway, I just went online to check our email account and saw a message coming in which immediately went to the Spam folder. Clicked on it and saw an XFlirt account with his photo, his work situation ... He has selected about 15 women as his favourite contacts, and asked for the private photo album of one of them. From the date, it was when he was away on his last business trip recently. I am completely numb and don't know what to do or say to him. I guess it is partly my fault as no intimacy for a long time now, I am just too tired and seem to have lost my desire in that area. Any help and advice would be greatly appreciated, thank you.

Wildbill OP has said that the lack of sex is due partly to having children and breastfeeding, which lowers sex drive. Men who have children ought to be mature enough to recognise that their partners won't be sex machines during this time. Trying and failing to resolve the issue with his wife does not give him a carte blanche to behave however he likes, and to betray her. However important sex is to him, if he was committed to his family he would have tried harder to resolve the issue with OP. I'm assuming that his trying to talk to her about it didn't involve him saying 'If we don't start having more sex, I'm going to sign up to some sleazy websites to scratch my itch' and OP ignoring him, in which case the OP can hardly be held responsible for his unacceptable behaviour.

This whole conversation is beginning to exhibit the idiotic view that the poor menz can't be expected to exert self control and do the right thing ...

I know women who shag their husband's virtually every day with an intact libido of their own who still got cheated on

Yeah, a cheater will cheat, no matter what the wife does. It's not about her at all, it's just him thinking his promises to her don't count.

I know women with intact libidos who have shagged their husband virtually every day and still got cheated on

Watch out with that smugness, Bill

Oops, I thought my first message hadn't posted

Some couples do live a celibate relationship and are fairly happy with the situation. But it has to be a mutual agreement and this is the point. But if your DH wasn't happy he should have discussed it. Most people wouldn't be happy with a marriage in which no intimacy took part for years. And to pretend otherwise is quite frankly ludicrous.

It's a good point though AF, worth repeating

Your H has taken the path of least resistance in by getting his jollies outside of the marriage and you have taken the ostrich approach to dealing with it.

If tiredness and a low labido have contributed to the lack of sex, your going to have be half cut before you let this man anywhere near you because (despite your pretence) you now know he has been in chat rooms and probably web-caming.

Get a STD test.

OP I'm sorry for your situation.
I think you need to be really careful.
When men cheat (yes I am generalising!) they will usually deny it if confronted, even if the evidence is there. Only when confronted with 100% certain, incontrovertible evidence do they admit it (even then some continue to deny it). Your evidence isn't 100% so he's denying it.
When kids are small and demanding, it's easy to cheat - you are busy and tired and he has plenty of valid excuses to be out of the house.
I will also add that men who cheat don't start their marriage thinking they'll cheat generally. They adore their wife, they will be very happy and often abhor cheating/cheaters. But life gets stressful, tiring, unfulfilling etc and they end up cheating.
It's likely from what you've posted that your H has been cheating. Not certain, but likely. So I hope he hasn't and hope you can repair your marriage but please look after yourself very carefully.

What did he do to improve your sex life? Remember that its his responsibility as well.

Does he ensure that you both have equal amounts of child free leisure time?

Does he get up in the night for the DC (e.g to change nappies)? Make sure you get a lie in if you had a bad night?

Does he do half of the drudge work - clearing up, cleaning, keeping on top of household admin etc rather than do all the fun jobs?

Change working arrangements to ensure there is more time for you both?

Here's a whacky fucking idea to those who all think that men cheat if their woman doesn't lie there like a sack of potatoes, taking it ever so often just to keep their man- if the bloke wasn't happy then perhaps he should communicate and try and support their wife/ girlfriend. She might have low self esteem or be going through tough times, so perhaps it would be a better idea for them to try other avenues in lieu of cheating, including leaving. That is far kinder.

Stop minimising and saying that 'of course men will cheat,' as if their bollocks dictate their minds.

Yourkids, you should pop over to the thread about the pregnant OP who was dumped by her OM. The sympathy and 'don't tell, you just made a mistake, move on' comments would really rile... Apparently OP there is allowed to blame pregnancy hormones and being lonely but the OPs H here cant pull the same.

PossumPoo, I never said I agree with that double standard. And I don't. You must have me mistaken for someone else.

The one thing that doesn't make sense here is that he used "our email account". It's very easy to set up new accounts. Surely if he was going to sign up to dubious sites and partake in illicit activity he wouldn't use the family email account.

I'm so sorry OP it really does sound like your DH is lying through his teeth.

I had blinkers on for some time with dp, you don't want to believe the worst of them.

I hope you're ok.

Surely if he was going to sign up to dubious sites and partake in illicit activity he wouldn't use the family email account.

This may not be the first time he's done it. He might have just got sloppy and used the wrong account by accident.

OK, last night I brought this up again, and he admitted he had been on the XFlirt site one night when away, just to see what it was like. He didn't realise it would send email notifications to our email if anybody consulted his profile. He was deeply embarrassed and ashamed hence the lie, and promised me there was no other chat site account, no cheating of any sort, just this one lapse out of curiosity which he then forgot to delete.

I believe him and know that we need to work on our relationship...

Well, good for you for not letting the matter rest.

But, do you really think that the only time he looks at one of these sites is the time you happen to find out about it?! You already know he's capable of spinning you an elaborate lie, given the ridiculous story about his personal details being stolen. He's seen that you don't believe that line, so he's chosen a story that involves admitting a little bit more, but still keeping his wrongdoing to the absolutely minimum (i.e. it was just once).

Having been where you are, I don't think any amount of people saying 'Wake up!!' on MN is going to make much difference to you. The only thing that will get you to see the truth is time. You need time to come to terms with the fact that the man you love and trusted has been doing this. I do feel for you, and I wish you lots of luck and strength.

He is lying.

We told you he was lying and you didn't believe us. Now you find out that we were right.

He is still lying. There is no way he just looked once out of curiosity.

What you have to think about OP is this. If you were doing it, got caught out and wanted to minimise as much as possible, what would you say? What could you possibly say to make it not seem as bad?

You would say what he is saying.

Fairenufff, yes, he lied once. We are all human. Yes, maybe he will lie again. Maybe we have all lied at some time in our lives. I choose to stay with him, love him and believe that this was a one-off.

Erm, you believed his first lie that he had been hacked....

Now he has dripfed you a little bit more ? There is a script, my love and he is following it to the letter. Just admit to as much as you think the little lady will swallow

Well done for challenging him again, but I don't believe you have the full story

People in happy relationships do not go on sex hookup sites out of "curiosity". What was he curious about ? He knows what sex is and he knows what female bits look like. He simply wanted sex with someone else's bits. How grim.

I was hacked. I signed up but only looked. I contacted some women but only chatted. I only received pictures. I arranged to meet some women but didn't go through with it. I met someone but we only kissed.. See where this is going ? You have absolutely no reason to trust the word of this guy....he is a proven liar.

I am afraid I do trust him, and I do have many reasons for that. For all these reasons I won't be consulting this thread again. A very big thank you to everyone who has helped in this difficult situation. Signing off now ...

Good luck. We will still be here if you need us again.

Good luck OP xx

You thought he was telling the truth the first time and that turned out to be a lie. I wish you all the best op but please open your eyes a little and see him for the lying shit person he is