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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To be sat on the sofa crying again because MIL is a cunt and DH is a spineless little mummy's boy.

722 replies

BramwellBrown · 05/12/2014 07:01

Sorry long but it doesn't make sense otherwise and I don't want to drip feed.

MIL has spent the last 7 years bullying and belittling me at every opportunity and can be really spiteful.

MIL decided she would take DD to visit a different Father Christmas this year, one of the expensive ones that has a petting farm with reindeer, DD loved the reindeer and said he wasn't a bad Father Christmas as it goes but his grotto wasn't as good as the 'real one' I usually take DD to at the church fair, where FC knows DD's name and asks how her dog is etc (and is my Dad). MIL 'oh for goodness sake you're 6 any normal child your age knows the truth by now, that grubby church hall your mum takes you to isn't real either, there's no such thing as Father Christmas and Christmas is just a made up load of commercial rubbish celebrating the birth of an imaginary baby.' Shock DD is really upset and doesn't even want her advent calendar because she says there's nothing to look forward to now, I know DD was likely to find out the truth about Father Christmas soon and fully expected this to be the last year she really believed in him but I'm furious that MIL would be so spiteful as to tell her like that or imply there was something wrong with her for not knowing and can't even describe how angry I am about the rest of it, I'm Catholic.

MIL then came round yesterday with a huge shopping bag of sweets for DD and none for DS as hes not DH's biological son I told DD to pick 1 for her and 1 for DS and I'd put the rest away for later, MIL starts on about me being mean and ridiculous, part of childhood is eating sweets til you feel sick Shock I mentioned to MIL how upset DD is and MIL started screaming in my face and calling me stupid, DS tried to stick up for me but DH didn't say a word, then this morning MILs just text saying shes picking DD up from school at 3.15, I've said not today, she sent back 'it wasn't a question'. as it happens DD has a school play this afternoon so I will already be at the school (MIL was invited before the argument but school plays are boring) So DH and I have started the day on an argument because I asked him to have a word with his mum and he told me to stop winding her up.

AIBU to think its not I'm winding her up, she's just a cunt and that if DH loved me or had any respect for me he'd step in occasionally, I don't want him to go NC or anything but the odd 'Mum, that's enough' would be nice, I wouldn't let my parents treat him like this and its making me question if i want to be with him anymore.

OP posts:
qazxc · 05/12/2014 22:36

Well done! Nice to hear that DD is cheered up.
Hopefully after an initial bout of sulking and tantrumming DH will realize that you mean business and unlike him are not willing to enable his mother's behavior.
He then can realize that he can either be part of the solution ie supporting his wife and protecting his children from toxic behavior.

DPotter · 05/12/2014 22:37

I can totally understand why you told your MIL that she needed a good fuck - sometimes with bullies you have to speak their language otherwise they think you're a push over.

I also think your a more generous person then I am - I wouldn't have given your DH until monday to decide, 5 mins tops - he took vows to you.

I also wonder if his father could put him right as well.

Also think your DS is a star !

usualsuspectsparkly3 · 05/12/2014 22:39

I think telling someone they need a good fuck makes you look like a twat.

Bulbasaur · 05/12/2014 22:39

pictish

Anger is not a bad thing, there are reasons for anger, and OP had a good one. MIL deserved a verbal spanking.

I do not ascribe to the philosophy of "I'm going to push you to the breaking point, but if you crack, you're the bad guy".

If DH couldn't find the balls to protect his child from MIL, protect his wife from MIL, he's not going to have the balls to see her as the good guy regardless. It's not a matter of do everything "right" and you'll be exonerated. If her DH can't see that keeping MIL away from his child is a good thing, he would refuse to see it even if OP did everything calm and collected.

CaptainAnkles · 05/12/2014 22:41

Standing up and cheering OP Smile

ArsenicSoup · 05/12/2014 22:41

It is now next to impossible for the DH to say "Mum, I fully support my wife" when his wife's position is "You're a snobby bitch who needs a good fuck".

Not good tactics. Not classy.

ArsenicSoup · 05/12/2014 22:44

And the poisonous witch of a MIL has a stick to beat OP and DH with, but OP knows this she already said 'not my finest hour'. At least she got some catharsis.

pictish · 05/12/2014 22:46

Nah - OP lost it.
Mil 1 - OP 0.

I wouldn't have given her the satisfaction.

usualsuspectsparkly3 · 05/12/2014 22:46

OP probably didn't say that anyway.

MistressDeeCee · 05/12/2014 22:46

MIL can fuck off, I don't want anything to do with her and have told her to stay the fuck away from me and the DC (I also told her that i refuse to be pushed around by some snobby bitch who thinks shes all that when really shes just needs a hobby or the latest boyfriend to give her a good fuck, not my proudest moment but it felt good.)

Go OP Grin

Even if DH sulks till kingdom come its got to be worth it just for that... if he'd stood up for you in the 1st place rather than watch you be subjected to meanminded, aggressive behaviour then you wouldn't have been driven to the end of your tether. After his mega-sulk I hope he recalls that he is actually married to you not his mother. Marriage does not mean you have to put up with offensiveness from any member of his family, nor should your DCs be tainted by it

Which is a long way of saying MIL has a bloody cheek - sounds like one of those who feels her "status" gives her licence to speak and behave as she pleases..Id have done exactly the same as you because she just went too far.

Bulbasaur · 05/12/2014 22:47

It is now next to impossible for the DH to say "Mum, I fully support my wife" when his wife's position is "You're a snobby bitch who needs a good fuck".

If you read the thread, it was next to impossible in the first place. OP has gotten no support from DH this entire time. She's been calm and he's told her to stop winding his MIL up.

Armchair psychology is all well and good, but the reality is playing nice got her no where either. MIL would likely have ended in "tears" if she was calm and collected saying she was depriving her of her only begotten grandchild.

The point is, DH has a choice to make.

OP has arguably given him an easy out. Frankly if he takes it, he's saved OP a world of headache of having to balance the two.

ArsenicSoup · 05/12/2014 22:50

I have RTFT Bulb. It isn't psychology, armchair or otherwise; It's military strategy. Personally I wouldn't ever want to give anyobe the satisfaction of seeing me react like that. Or to enable them to say "She said..." forever more.

Gawjushun · 05/12/2014 22:51

You are a hero to all of us with shitty MILs. I am raising my glass to you right now!

wizzler · 05/12/2014 22:58

op... Well done for making a stand. Sad to think how your toxic MIL made your DD feel, and also, your DS shouldn't have to be the man of the house at 10.

Something needed to change and you have started that process. Your priorities are quite rightly your DC, and if that means DH has to go, then so be it.

usualsuspectsparkly3 · 05/12/2014 23:08

All the 'you go girl' and pom pom waving is a bit crap really.

Still its what the OP wanted.

Bulbasaur · 05/12/2014 23:09

I have RTFT Bulb. It isn't psychology, armchair or otherwise; It's military strategy. Personally I wouldn't ever want to give anyobe the satisfaction of seeing me react like that. Or to enable them to say "She said..." forever more.

Military strategy... OP is not in a war. She's setting boundaries, clumsily as you may think she did it.

Frankly, I would not care if someone saw me having an outburst. They could be satisfied as they wanted. But end result would still be the same: They will not be taking a shit on my child like that, and as long as that matter is clear, delivery would not be my main concern.

Personally, I think even the best of us would be rest to kick ass and take names if someone did that to our 6 year old and told them Santa wasn't real, and made them feel cruddy about Christmas which is suppose to be a magical time for children. Personally, I'd have flipped my shit right then and there.

OP's problem was putting up with it for 7 years. I think one out burst after 7 years of abuse is acceptable, and probably cathartic. Now she can clear her head and focus on the future whether that involves her husband or not.

And.. not derail the conversation. But military interrogation and strategy is very, very centered around human psychology. You need to know how to understand and manipulate humans if you want to get quick answers or predict what their next move will be.

Bulbasaur · 05/12/2014 23:11

omg.. so many typos... Hmm

BeyondRepair · 05/12/2014 23:13

f you read the thread, it was next to impossible in the first place. OP has gotten no support from DH this entire time. She's been calm and he's told her to stop winding his MIL up

yes totally agree too.

A revoloution and shake up is needed here things cannot stay the same thats for sure.

We are so worried in the UK about upsetting the apple cart and being polite even if it means swollowing razor blades.

BeyondRepair · 05/12/2014 23:15

Personally I wouldn't ever want to give anyobe the satisfaction of seeing me react like that

I wouldn't give a toss either and certainly not after 7 years of abuse, anger is a valid emotion. There are times when its appropriate to get angry.

pictish · 05/12/2014 23:15

Oh I couldn't give a toot for being polite.
I want to win.

ArsenicSoup · 05/12/2014 23:15

I think you're right Bulb, if she isn't interested in saving her marriage, it is slightly less of an issue.

It wasn't actually the 'delivery' I was commenting on, it was the content, but whatever, I hope she sorts it all out.

NewNamePlease · 05/12/2014 23:17

Well done OP. You sound like a great mum and a strong woman whose raised a great DS. What a lovely role model for your DD. Ask your DH if he'd want his DD treated the way mil treats you?

BeyondRepair · 05/12/2014 23:17

Bulbasaur Fri 05-Dec-14 22:39:46

sorry x post missed this ^, but again totally agree.

Its all gone beyond saving face and so on.

A grown woman is being cruel to a small child.

usualsuspectsparkly3 · 05/12/2014 23:17

Telling someone they need a good fuck is hardly getting your point across.

I'm not sure what that has to do with anything.unless you think that all women who are not having sex are like the OPs MIL.

ArsenicSoup · 05/12/2014 23:21

A grown woman is being cruel to a small child.

So you tell her.

That she's cruel and nasty and emotionally damaging and not welcome near your DC any more.

Job done.