Living together! Should/shouldn't be like this??

[Mini05]

so partner and I have been living together for 11 years.
I have a grown up son who also lives at home with us. Over the last 18 mths things have been up and down in our relationship with quite a lot of argueing between us., more so since he retired I'm also at home.

When it got heated last time things were said that keep going through my mind, and I moved into the spare bedroom I feel resentful towards him.
He said that he as paid for my son's food for the last 11 years and now he's a pensioner he's no longer paying towards it (son pays keep) and a few other things. So now the shopping money is split between us, and anything son has he won't pay for! So now all shopping as to be added up excluding bits for son which comes from my shopping money.
I am angry still inside, we are now talking and I have said we need to discuss about the house situation and he just says yes ok. He as also started not asking me to go places with since the big argument, so every afternoon he goes out on his own for about 1-2 hours. It's like we just share a house.

I need to hear from other on what they think of this situation? And I'm not just being petty about supporting my son in the food situation,and also the way we live is not (normal)!!!

[TallulahTwinkletoes]

Forgive me or flame me.

What if you get him drunk? DP and I have our best heart to hearts when he's drunk. We are27/28 tho.

[Mini05]

He will more when it's something he's interested in ie now cars!
He talks till it starts to get heated(I don't agree with him) he will then either stop the talking and say stop now or I'm going out.
This is why I'm finding it hard to get to talk with him because I know from previously what is actions are, then we're in stalemate! Sweep in under the carpet mode.

Unless I follow him(for which he who see my car bright colour!) because he now doesn't tell me where he's going, so that's out!

When he drinks he's very very regimented only ever has 2 and a bit glasses wine!! Very controlled(perhaps that's where he gets his controlling from!!)

He went out this afternoon, never said where he was going again.
I was out early evening for meal with sisters and when I came back he hasn't even asked where I've been(probably guested at sisters)

[GarlicGiftsAndGlitter]

Well, only one of you is in a relationship, aren't you Mini :( The other one seems to be in shared accommodation with tedious housemates, whom he can't control as closely as he'd like.

My XH used to do this disappearing thing. I don't know enough about your partner to assume he's playing the same game, but with him it was supposed to make me feel insecure, so he could regain emotional control over me. I do remember saying to my friends that I felt I was in the marriage all by myself - H just popped in & out of my life & our home when it suited him, often acting like he'd forgotten I was there and being irritated when he realised I was.

Something similar's described in the Freedom Programme, here:
"Those of us who have been on the receiving end of male violence know that, before he hits us, there is always a time when he is not in communication. Women have described it as being as if he is not there. 'There is no one home!' During this ‘wind up’ phase it does not matter what we say because he does not listen. It appears that he cannot hear us or often see us. This is because he is having a dialogue with himself. This could be happening in his head or he could be speaking out loud. He will be giving himself excuses to hit us."
The violence doesn't have to be physical: it could be sexual, an extended verbal assault, economic abuse, social humiliation or renewed mental abuse.

[Mini05]

Update
Tried once again to sort our relationship, I do still love him and want it to go back to how it was a few years back!

But he is determined to still go along the lines of doing what he wants when he wants and doesn't think he needs to discuss it with me or include me. Recently not saying where he as been, anything, and he makes me feel I shouldn't be asking? He say I'm a nosey cow
This hurts me so much that he can just shut me out of his life!
His reply is I'm retired and I'm doing what I what when I want!
It's like he as cut anything we did together off!!
We don't go out, coffee, shopping, nothing now! But yet he thinks I cook and clean(his cleaning is Hoover the rug in lounge) I'm i being petty do men at home actually clean????? Seem irrelevant now

So I started out, we need to try and sort things our relationship, as I feel it's going downhill.
To which I got what you talking about!
I went though we don't kiss, sleep separate, sex then I got, it always get to sex!( he as not made any advances to me for ages) I have made the moves
Sometimes ive got " what you doing"
He reverts back to 2 years ago when I was very poorly with depression to the point of suicidal and wasn't interested in sex!

After talking and basically him bringing things up from many years (ten years plus) I feel I'm on a loosing battle! He will never forget and move on
(I told him to leave in snow arguement)
Things said we're bringing tears to my eyes, and he turned round and said
Oh not the tears! Your now trying to guilt trip me! What the fuck
I'm not allowed to be upset because the person I love doesnt what me in there everyday life! Only to keep house, like a housemate
Going over things in my head what he said, I said ok I will get valuations for the house, to which he turned round and said so your trying to push me out now, well f...ing try it I will push it out to 12 mths
I can't win, blow I ask to to work through it and I get I'm retired I doing my thing!
Then when I say ok I will put it on the market I get abuse thrown at me!

Since he coming back from afternoon out, and me not making chilli for our tea(which he would of expected) he hasn't spoke to me all night! I mentioned estate agent coming on Tuesday and I got no reply.

What the fuck have I done! I still love him, I'm so upset can't stop the tears from filling up( but I'm not allowed to guilt trip him)
I'm angry yet sad, does that make f...king sense, this guy as now well and truly completely fuck me up well and truly.

Why his he bringing things up from many years back!

[Coyoacan]

OP, he sounds incredibly unlovable to me, a macho pig I would call him. He's loafing around all day, treating you like dirt, and yet you are doing all the housework and cooking??
I am older than you, OP, and I thought that kind of relationship went out with the ice age.

[LandRoverDelma]

Hi there,

From your posts you are a really lovely person, full of love towards your partner and your son.

Any chance for your partner to start doing a voluntary or paid job? He might just be having a crisis about retirement.

And how about you doing separate activities too? That would bring outside excitement into your relationship. Sorry if it was already suggested didn't have time to read everything properly.

[ocelot7]

Mini it reads like the relationship has ended & you are now just housemates...maybe he decided this change prior to splitting the food bill/asking for repayment for mushy peas? :(
How has it come to be that be only wants to talk about cars - did he used to have other interests that he has given up?
As you may have wondered, the sports car(!) & secret afternoon sallies (which he is very defensive about), plus lack of intimacy could also suggest OW...
You want to make it work but he is making no effort...the thing he said about you trying to buy him out(?) but what he will do in 12 months(?) What do you think he meant?

[Hissy]

this behaviour is the kind of crap my abusive ex pulled, the no win situation for you,b the confflicting and confusing stuff.

you'll never, ever get back the good stuff, it'll only get worse. you haven't stuffed this up, he has.

he's abusing you now, stop it now so you don't suffer too much more damage

[kaykayblue]

Wait a second, so your son pays £250 a month.

This is supposed to cover:

• Rental contribution
  
• Food
  
• Bills
  
• Water
  
• Gas
  
• Everything else.
  
  Unless you live in one of the cheapest parts of the country ever, then this is absolutely LAUGHABLE. And your point about him not being there most of the time. What are you talking about? You don't pay rent or council tax on the basis of how long you are there for everyday. Someone who works 18 hour days pays exactly the same rent as someone who works 8.
  
  And if you did live in a cheap part of the country, then he would be able to afford his own place.
  
  Does he do any cleaning in the house? Does he do his own laundry? Cook his own food? Or are you expecting that his future partner will just pick all that up because your son will be "too tired" from work? He has the energy to go out at the weekends, but is too exhausted to do anything during the week?
  
  Look, I don't think you are doing your son any favours whatsoever here.
  
  How is he going to learn how to budget?
  How is he going to learn about things like council tax, and setting up bill payments, and looking around for better rates?
  How is he going to learn that when you're shattered and the flat is a mess, either you clean it or the flat stays a shit pile.
  
  Have you actually spoken to him and asked what he is doing with all his spare money? Is he saving? Does he have a plan? Is he paying off debt?
  
  When is he going to learn that, for most people, at least a third of your wages normally go on rent?
  
  I could understand letting him stay at home on a three year basis or something to let him pay off student debts, or to save up a deposit, but just permanently until HE decides he wants out? Right.
  
  On your partner - he sounds like a pretty shitty person in other respects, but I can't blame him for not wanting to spend his retirement with a 25 year old in the house.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

You have not stuffed up this relationship, he has by his actions and these are to my mind abusive. All your man cares about is his own self and his new car hobby/obsession. He just wants this all his own way and for you to be quiet and acquiescent.

Your son may well wonder of you why you are still with this man 11 years on. I think you are too good for him and this man is basically trying to drag you down with him. He's done a bang up job of having you walking on eggshells, also code for living in fear.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Stop doing anything for him as of right now!
No shopping, cooking, cleaning, ironing, clearing up, changing sheets.
Nothing at all.
He wants to live separate lives, then let him.
And he only gets 1/3 of what your son contributes.
You keep 2/3 as you have to do all the buying etc... for him and you.
Just get away from this 'man' ASAP.

As for your DS. Is he saving as well to get a deposit etc... for moving out?
I didn't leave home until I was 26 when I got married.

[supernaut]

Take the board money from your son, take out what you will spend on food, split the rest with DP.
The money is FOR FOOD.
It sounds like £250 is probably not enough, though, so you might want to increase it to actually cover costs.
Would he do the same if it was his son? Maybe, plenty on this thread advocate that.

[Mini05]

This morning (I got up late, as never fell asleep till early morning my heads mashed)
He first words where so what we doing about FOOD! Am I buying my own
To which I replied yes(I can't take anymore petty squabbling and it turning into arguement)
I then got him going through the whole son thing again
To which I replied that is sorted I pay for his food out of keep money he gives me
The question here now is OUR RELATATIONSHIP !
I told him how I'd spent an over an hour yesterday asking more or less where I fit into his life!!!
It took him over that time, with a push from me to get him to say
Did he still love me? Yes but when asked he was still going on how he was doing his thing on his OWN

I'm not prepared anymore to put/go along this way, somebody is coming to give valuation on Tuesday I really do not think he loves me anymore! By his actions.

HE as activities that he does, tennis,speedway,bike racing season day out,walking. He as not given any hobbies up, taken more on if any
ME I go to family visits, yoga and card making class,
So it's not like we are in each other's faces 24/7
OW as passed my mind several times! Even asked him(not that he would say, to much to give up what he's got now)
I've even followed him to the place he said they go, no sign off car!!
Asked when he came home, guess what they never went there that week!!
I really can't be arsed anymore to be chasing him(although I would like to know for my own sanity as he says I'm mad)
I can't afford to buy him out! So two separate properties to be bought

So kaykay
What do change your children to live at home????
With regards to son not being at home! I ment for food,elec,gas not for rent /counciltax
I stayed at home till I was 28! My mum never looked at adding things up and then saying right you pay me xxx so slate me then for doing the same!
So now I say your 25, get your own place! Why we get on brilliantly (that's all of us)DP will slate SON but hasn't the balls to call to his face or when I say we'll tell xxx yourself
As for living with a 25 year old, when sons home from work after tea he spends that time in his room, partner is sometimes out! So unless partner goes into his room to talk to him son is not in the way.

DP will never give up the money(he can keep it ive had enough)

My main concern now/then was my RELATATIONSHIP with him and how he was excluding me from doing things together,sex life, him not going on holiday with me anymore because son would be left in the house with his per sessions (his words)

Perhaps £250 isn't enough, but that's for me to sort out for our next home!
Son is not doing anything that I myself didn't do until I was 28, all of sons mates are still at home them paying from £70 to £30 a week. The one who pays £70 warns £15 an hour.
All of this is basically as nothing to do with the way my DP is now with me

[hellsbellsmelons]

I'm glad you've made your decision.
Trying to 2nd guess and walk on eggshells is no life at all.
I hope he makes it easy for you.
And would bet there is another woman.
No idea how you find out and I completely understand why you want to.
Been there got the t-shirt.
I did get my proof. Phone bills!
I really hope you and your son will be happy away from this selfish twat.

[Mini05]

He tried to control me again this morning!
He went out and came back with some bit of shopping and wine, and started to work out how much I owe him for me half(told him yesterday were on our own now I'm not being petty working down to 20p or so)he said they are it's silly as some things you can't buy for one!!! So you owe me xxx

I said you have told me numerous times your doing your own thing and brought me down to your level of thinking/control for years, not anymore your getting no money from me!!
With that the nasty comments started, I'm stupid,I'm pathetic,your not using anything of mine etc etc
Oh and if I think he going anywhere forget it.

First time last night he stayed in for months?, I was looking forward to a night on my own and had to bloody sit in same room as him! Mind you it's no different I suppose to what I've had for the last few months being stonewalled and him on his f...ing laptop.

Off out till later tonight so he can be on his f...ing own that's what he wants.

[ocelot7]

Does yr P understand the relationship has broken down - due to his behaviour? Or he actually thinks you can carry on like this?
I am concerned he is trying to get you to leave... mainly by being unreasonable...& if he is out every night as you now say then I am wondering again if there is OW?

[Mini05]

He only went out this afternoon for about 40 mins, never done this for weeks always comes back about 4 ish !! He must be feeling ill!!!

He must be stupid if he thinks any different, he did say today that I would always bring it up as to how he as treated me! My answer was you mean like you do to me from years ago and make me feel awful and it's all my fault!

As to regards does he think we can carry on like this! I really im puzzled with that one, who on earth would put up with being reject mentally and physically, he does seem to carry on though and never mentions anything about the way things are unless it involves money

He's not out every night! Just Friday night, it's every afternoon anything between 1-4 hours.

I have thought of leaving and renting a place but then thought why the f... Should I pay £600 plus out of the money I will need to set up.
I was thinking of buying a new tv and having ariel fitted and make that my lounge till it's sold .
To be honest though he just sits with his head in his laptop all night, and he puts the remote on the arm where I sit!! I can put up with that, have done up till now.

[ocelot7]

Ah - have re-read yr post & get you just meant Fridays. I live alone & I don't like it as am basically a,social animal but I can see it is at least more peaceful than yr situation :( . As yr current situation evolved over time maybe it became normal & you temporarily forgot other people don't live like this - & now you have realised this.

Pls believe me, I am usually the one saying there is probably no OW but in yr case it seems very possible that is where he goes & might explain the withdrawal from a shared life (& finances)...and if he is getting affection elsewhere may explain why he is so unphazed by e.g. the separate bedrooms at home. And his obsession with not sharing as you did before. I'm sorry but to me that an OW more likely to induce these changes than retirement is.

I hope he will not obstruct the house valuation next week. He also seems the type to never tell you what is really going on with him. Again - I just can't see how retirement in itself could induce the change in him. Sorry.