Living together! Should/shouldn't be like this??

[Mini05]

so partner and I have been living together for 11 years.
I have a grown up son who also lives at home with us. Over the last 18 mths things have been up and down in our relationship with quite a lot of argueing between us., more so since he retired I'm also at home.

When it got heated last time things were said that keep going through my mind, and I moved into the spare bedroom I feel resentful towards him.
He said that he as paid for my son's food for the last 11 years and now he's a pensioner he's no longer paying towards it (son pays keep) and a few other things. So now the shopping money is split between us, and anything son has he won't pay for! So now all shopping as to be added up excluding bits for son which comes from my shopping money.
I am angry still inside, we are now talking and I have said we need to discuss about the house situation and he just says yes ok. He as also started not asking me to go places with since the big argument, so every afternoon he goes out on his own for about 1-2 hours. It's like we just share a house.

I need to hear from other on what they think of this situation? And I'm not just being petty about supporting my son in the food situation,and also the way we live is not (normal)!!!

[Mini05]

Just to add I may not have chosen the right words in some lines, just trying to get it down

[WillkommenBienvenue]

Maripo - the tendency towards 'living alone' as you say is largely due to feminism. Women here don't feel as though they have to put up with second-rate partners for life and keep up a jolly front, cleaning up after their sons for the rest of their lives. In the countries where sons staying at home is the norm, this is often the situation their mothers are in. Everyone becomes dependent on the main wage earner and loses out.

It also does breed complacency in young people and an underestimation of how hard they need to work to get ahead in life. A pp said she was subsidising a poorly paying company - in some ways that's what these arrangements do - make it easy for tax-dodging minimum-wage-skimming companies to keep paying low wages.

And why NOT allow your son to move on and up and spread his wings? He has the money to do it.

[WillkommenBienvenue]

The way he is talking he sounds abusive but I'm very surprised that this would come out after 11 years of living together. Would you be happier without him?

Also is your name on the deeds and have you got a record of the 12K that you lent him?

I think DS is ready to move out - he just needs his equity in the house first.

[GarlicGiftsAndGlitter]

I've got a sneaking suspicion that he took the lump sum to enable him to buy you out of the house. I think that what you should do is tell him you're putting the house on the market, do so, and wait to see whether he suddenly decides to match the best offer (or, from what you've said about him, tries to wangle some crazy deal that leaves you out of pocket.)

I honestly feel you and DS will be happier with either a smaller place between you, or two much smaller places in physical proximity. Your crappy ex-partner can then live in grandeur on fried beetles with reclaimed rice.

[arsenaltilidie]

I said I don't know why since getting his pension
Maybe because your DS brings in the same amount of money as your DP.
If I was in your partners shoes I would resent the fact I'm paying food and upkeep for someone who earns the same as me.

If your son is not in education or training he should be paying the £250 PLUS some food and some bills.
.
Your son is certainly not a child and you are spoiling him. That's why he thinks its okay to leave the windows open whilst the radiator is on and the TV blaring because he doesn't pay the bills!
Mummy will take care of it, I wouldn't be doing that in his own place.

I pity the woman he's going to get married to.

If your arguments are about money, I think you will continue to argue until your son situation is resolved.

[WillkommenBienvenue]

arsenaltilidie - Son owns 25% share of the house (OP does your son know that?)

[GarlicGiftsAndGlitter]

Mini's partner will also get around £750 a month state pension from his birthday in 2020, on top of the workplace pension of £1,000 a year. And he has £82,000 in the bank. I have a sneaking suspicion he Has A Plan, which may not include Mini or DS after that time. I have this suspicion because people who grab on to every 40p invariably have highly detailed financial plans, and because he obviously isn't all that bothered about the quality of his relationship with Mini - only its financial benefits :(

[WillkommenBienvenue]

He wouldn't let me pay half of mortgage as that meant I owed 3/4 of house, but as never let up HE pays the mortgage(like I've done nothing)

Garlic might be right about him Having A Plan.

[TheFriar]

Agree with garlic. :(
It's interesting to see that the lump sum is more or less the same than what she put in in the first place (I'm sure he knows that!!)

And what if he gets with his pension the same than the op's ds?
He is also getting a lot of advantages for sharing the house with the OP and her ds. So why would it be ok for him to be well ... jealous??

I would be curious to know how much money he and the OP puts in the joint account. Because if he puts about £400 pounds, knowing he gets half if the £250 then the ds actually pays the same than him for all the common bills (wo the mortgage I imagine). And £800 for the common bills wo a mortgage doesn't sounds crazy to me.

That's why I think it's wrong to not put that money from the ds in the common pot. It's the same reasoning he has than with the mortgage (I'm the only one to pay!!). He gets this feeling that he us paying for the ds food conveniently forgetting he gets some money for that!!

[mariposaazul]

He may have a plan & be good with finance but that would leave him as a lonely grumpy git in a big house come 2020 (or 2019 even)

[mariposaazul]

willk the possibility to live alone, or rather not to marry, is partly due to women's economic independence - so that they do not need a breadwinner but rather an equal partner - & partly that there is less stigma to being divorced or unmarried. Respectively due to universal access to education & society becoming less religious and so less inclination to follow rules & tradition. Not quite clear how this maps onto feminism.

Btw it was me who talked about subsidising an unethical employer - that's how the profit motive can make companies behave.

[Mini05]

Arsenal

So what do you think the £250 goes to? Bills/food!! He's not here 75% of the time.
Re the windows This is in summer also!! Would you like to be only able to have 1 top window open in 80 degrees??? Also who said the tv is blaring, do you honestly think I'd let a tv be louder than a tv am watching downstairs
Now come on!!!

I've told son many years back that when his dad left he gave up his share of the equity to make sure he had a roof over his head in the future.
Son would not see me/as I wouldn't see him without.

Re partner
Yes he as the 82k well slightly less now. With my 12k taken out, he also bought spots car! Not an expensive one but his just spent £1000 on repairs.
Yes in around 2020 he will have his £1000 mth private pension plus his gov Pension of nearly £600 mth so £1600 month and mortgage paid off by then
So hardly struggling.

Re joint acct I used to put £550 and he £500(because he said he had mortgage to pay)
Now we both put £260 in for d/d and buy food separate and he pays HIS mortgage.

[trappedinsuburbia]

This sounds horrible, your son must feel it as well. If your partner won't discuss the situation I would put the house on the market and get a smaller place for you and your son.

[WillkommenBienvenue]

He's not here 75% of the time.

He should get a discount for using less heating and less wear and tear on the furniture. :)

Beat DP at his own game

[GarlicGiftsAndGlitter]

Oooh, good point! And now DP's at home more, he must be using additional gas & electricity - and food! Increase his 'keep' by 50% and reduce DS's by 75% :)

[fluffapuss]

Do you want to be counting the price of each pea before the christmas dinner ?

Sorry, but suggest try to sort things with your partner

Why dont you ask your partner what he wants & how you can both move forward

Living like this is stressful (for all 3 of you)

Perhaps there is some compromise needed on both sides ?

If what you both want is not the same thing, make efforts to part

Good luck

[TheFriar]

Well if he wants to play the 'let's pay only what we are using game' maybe he should do his own shopping for his own food.
And find another house because really then he will be just an annoying housemate that you can change v

[GarlicGiftsAndGlitter]

the possibility to live alone, or rather not to marry, is partly due to women's economic independence ... & partly that there is less stigma to being divorced or unmarried ... Not quite clear how this maps onto feminism.

Completely aside from thread topic, but was that a joke? You can't think feminism has nothing to do with these improvements in women's choices, can you

[mariposaazul]

Not a joke. Just musing about the causal relationship. Some of this predates feminism as is generally understood. In some societies/communities religious and/or social pressure effectively enforce marriage. Btw I am a staunch feminist.

[WillkommenBienvenue]

I think we were talking about that in reference to the son moving out and getting his independence - I am in favour of independence as early as possible but mariposa said that in other cultures it's normal for the children to stay at home. My argument was that it's only normal in cultures where women are more dependent on men.

IMO it's fine to look after children and dependents but once they are independent they need to make their own way to be who they want to be. I don't think you can do that living with your Mum. Others will disagree.

[fluffapuss]

I was travelling round today, I saw an advert which said 100 to rent a room, without bills

Does this put things into perspective ?

Obviously, everyone lives in different places

-----
From your partners point of view
Perhaps he started working when he was 15 & moved out of home young ?
-----

Everyone has different expectations

However, without any communication, nothing will get resolved

[fluffapuss]

Sorry should say 100 per week

[TheLittleOneSaidRollOver]

he as said "well do what you what" what can of answer is that??
He never gives me a proper answer or what he wants from relationship.
Hence me coming on here for advice.

You've explained lots of things about money and your son but you have not mentioned what you want from life other than to support your son.

What do you want?

[Mini05]

Partner is not good at communication ! Especially when he know he may lead to an argument(his interpretation of talking through things)
He would rather carry like things are ok! But he knows there not(or he's bloody stupid)
I'm still in spare room( it's like it's the norm now) he just says I'm going up
No question of why you still in there etc

I am just I suppose biding time till after xmas(I know I will get called) but I've got used to the situation(if that's the right phrase) and if the fat hits the fan after Xmas is over then that's a better time to put the house on the market.

Still not doing anything together ie shopping,going for coffee etc, no mention of xmas(or presents)
Having said that I still havnt had my birthday present(sept) because I couldn't decide what I wanted!

I still love him (don't slate me) and wish it hadn't come to how it is now, I can still remember the good laughs we used to have and how sad I feel now the way things changed between us. The other day coming back from shopping, I heard a record on the radio and it reminded me of happy times and I ended up crying on the way home I felt so down and lonely.

He's got a new hobby now his car! And that's all our conversations are about! Apart from what to get from shop(food)

I havnt a clue how things will turn out, and the prospects of the future do scare me both mentally and financially.

[WillkommenBienvenue]

Was he ever good at communication, has he just gone quiet recently? It sounds as though you had a happy time before, you need to work out what's changed or is he just showing his true colours. Some men can do a very good job of hiding their true colours for years but then something triggers things (often pregnancy but clearly not in your case), then the camouflage comes off.

You clearly just want a normal settled relationship and a happy family like anybody else, you had this and now it's gone all weird. Either this is his true personality or something outside has changed him.

Perhaps keep a closer eye on what he gets up to during the day?