Living together! Should/shouldn't be like this??

[Mini05]

so partner and I have been living together for 11 years.
I have a grown up son who also lives at home with us. Over the last 18 mths things have been up and down in our relationship with quite a lot of argueing between us., more so since he retired I'm also at home.

When it got heated last time things were said that keep going through my mind, and I moved into the spare bedroom I feel resentful towards him.
He said that he as paid for my son's food for the last 11 years and now he's a pensioner he's no longer paying towards it (son pays keep) and a few other things. So now the shopping money is split between us, and anything son has he won't pay for! So now all shopping as to be added up excluding bits for son which comes from my shopping money.
I am angry still inside, we are now talking and I have said we need to discuss about the house situation and he just says yes ok. He as also started not asking me to go places with since the big argument, so every afternoon he goes out on his own for about 1-2 hours. It's like we just share a house.

I need to hear from other on what they think of this situation? And I'm not just being petty about supporting my son in the food situation,and also the way we live is not (normal)!!!

I don't think you need to show any loyalty to 20 year old promises to a cheating ex. Would keeping the house have been a fair settlement even without this promise anyway?
House is yours, the cheating ex doesn't get to dictate what you do with it.

Sounds like you're in the fortunate position that you have equity in the house and it's a bigger house so downsizing is an option.

So if this is not how you want to live your life, and your boyfriend isn't prepared to address it, then you can move on with your life.

Its patronising to say he doesn’t know love between mother and child because he doesn’t have a child.
Your DP was fair on the mortgage/house, you bring 50% as deposit and he pays the mortgage for the other 50%. Also it could also be for a genuine reason he thought his £12K was his, we don’t know his side of the story.
He was okay to look after him form the ages of 14-23 so he has a right to object paying food for a 25 yo grown man who is working. After all, they bring in the same amount of money. Your son should be ashamed of himself for taking any money from a pensioner.

Why can’t the food bill be shared in a 3 way?
Why cant your son do the house shop once in a while?
Why can't your son pay a bill?

Whether you like it or not your son is 25, he needs to pull his weight or else he will be a nightmare to the next woman he lives with. Does he even clean the house without being promoted?
If a one bed flat is £450 in your area, then he can afford to live in a flat share which would be substantially cheaper. If he wants to maintain his lifestyle he can get another job.
Treating him like he is still a child and refusing to cut the apron strings doesn't help anyone.
This is about the son, but your DP is going about in a passive aggressive way.

I don't think his 'well what do you way to do' response is too unfair tbh.

He's not a mind reader. You'll have to tell him what you want. I'd guess you've already done this tho.

I'd write down a short concise list (so he doesn't have time to get too annoyed and it becomes a pointless exercise) of what you want/need to change and how.

Mini, I will never make my dcs leave home (well, not if they're studying/struggling/single). If my dh resented my dcs I'd be upset and I could never forget that comment about providing for him for the past 11 years. I think I'd be out.

Agree with tallulah's list.

Tbh I'd hope that a 25 year old would be looking to move out!

Yep, your partners weird behaviour screams contempt at the situation.

A 25 year old should really be independant. Looking forward to a peaceful retirement and you have a grown adult male still in the nest with no plans to leave..............hmmm

Retirement requires huge adjustments financially and psychologically (am at that stage myself). There is, however, no excuse for your P's attitude to your son who contributes financially and doesn't cause any trouble in the house. The penny pinching over the shopping is controlling and petty - have you challenged him on this? (My parents were thus and would argue over 20p). The situation with your P sounds miserable, Mini. Time to consider finishing the relationship. Not easy I know. You could also talk to your son about him considering a home of his own.

Living on your own can be so liberating but it's not for everyone. Just something to consider. You could see a lawyer about finances, should you consider splitting up. A prospect for the new year perhaps - not easy and requiring planning etc but you do not seem to be in an out and out abusive relationship and can give yourself time.

Good luck!

OP, I take it that your P gave you the 12k back in the end and not half of his 82k.

Does your son know what the situation is, if so, how does he feel about things? It must be very odd if he knows that extra peas have to be paid for separately, and his presence causes friction. It's quite hard to understand the dynamics here. Are there many rows?

Completely with arsenaltilidie nail on the head if you ask me.

Yes there are other things to address but I really think it stems from all of that.

arsenaltildie the son has a 25% equity in the house. I think they should sell up and let the son buy something on his own.

He is on minimum wage and working all hours, it is not unreasonable to support young people in this way.

No it's not written into any documents, it's a promise I made to his dad so we could stay in the ex marital home. So not joint owners as such

In that case you should sell up and give DS what he is entitled to.

I think the 3 of you living together is the problem - DP is probably a twat but I think you are complicit in holding your son back by forcing him to live in this situation. Have you discussed selling up with him?

He doesn't have any equity at all, legally.

The XH said she could have the house if she looked out for the son.
That could mean all sorts of things.
Could be he just meant "make sure he always has a place to live for £250 below market rent" or "you must let him inherit" or "he owns half of it but I have foolishly not arranged that legally" or even "I'm self aggrandising about being a wonderful father taking care of my son when actually the house is a fair split to go to just you alone, regardless of providing for him".

The son and his theoretical possibly moral but not legal interest isn't the main issue.

The main issue, is the OP didn't like her boyfriend, sleeps apart, he stopped spending time with her, and he won't discuss it.

Arsenaltilidie could be right too though!

Seriously - if someone posted now saying that the 50/50 split of finances meant she kept the house - but that the ex was trying to force her to put half of that in trust for the child, people would say he was controlling and to bugger off.

None of us can say whether the son is really owed (morally) some of the equity, or whether he's being forced to stay there!

He is on minimum wage and working all hours, it is not unreasonable to support young people in this way

Working that many hours on minimum wage is exactly why he should be able to afford his own place. It's not supposed to be easy.

He's not going out on the weekends with magic beans, he's paying for his nights out with the money he saves having mummy pay for his food and upkeep (and no doubt a maid service too).

So the partner thinks the son should move out & is being very petty (weirdly believing this will achieve his aim?) when he should perhaps also discuss what he feels rather than behaving badly.

The OP states that her son is not the issue & to me it seems the partners behaviour & joyless demeanour goes far beyond anything to do with her son. Perhaps he thinks his controlling behaviour will be more successful with the son out of the way?

Retirement does entail an adjustment but remember he is 60(?) not 80! Maybe if there is a possibility to stay together they need to discuss what they would like to do with their lives from now on: it's in some ways very fortunate to be workfree at such a young age & there are many opportunities out there...

Willk why do you think the son is being forced to live there?
If he has not left home e.g. to go to uni or have a house share in mind why should he leave home for the sake of it? And I speak as someone who had been living on another continent from my family for 2 years by that age! But people do things differently & there is no right or wrong in this. If he was still at home in a few years it would look a bit different maybe.

Well it seems nobody knows why the OH is acting this way, and all we have to go off is retirement, and resentment to having a 25 year old man living with them (which OP'er claims isn't the problem... yet it surrounds most of the OP)

You're just going to have to talk to him, and tell him how you think he is acting, and how he has changed, and why it upsets you, and wait for him to give his reasons.. and see what comes of that.

Nothing will come of our speculation.

But to add to your original questions:

I need to hear from other on what they think of this situation? - It's not great

And I'm not just being petty about supporting my son in the food situation - Your partner is being going about a petty way of showing his dislike for the situation (but I don't know if he's ever gone about it a more subtle way and you've ignored) And you're definitely being a mug supporting a 25 year old man who can afford to go out with his friends at the weekend but cannot feed himself!

Maripo - I think he should leave because he owns 25% of the house and should be able to use it to assert his own independence. It might also help his mother see perspective on her own situation and encourage her partner to commit on a more grown-up level (ie what's mine is yours etc).

It's important for young people to make their own way in life and he is able to do that.

While he is young and if he has a deposit he could get a decent home on one of the government schemes. They won't be around forever.

My son lived at home for a few months after he graduated. I was very clear that I was unwillingly subsidising his shamelessly unethical employers - a private physio company which treats its employees appallingly - by covering his costs. Luckily he then got an NHS job & all was well.
My impression is that the OPs son does not literally own some of the equity but that she understood having the house from her first marriage implied an obligation to her son.
The assumption that young people leave home at an early age apart from when they move away for uni or a job elsewhere is held in the UK but scarcely elsewhere. Some people may rejoice in living alone but for the many who do not why should they?
It may be that the son needs to be encouraged towards independent living but it is not the problem here! He seems a much more congenial housemate than the partner so why would she take a chance on grumpy partner suddenly becoming congenial & sharing because her son moves out? The chances of that happening appear to be zero...

I'm sorry if this has been answered already but does your son have any legal rights over the house and if so, does he know he owns a percentage? Your son was never going to live at home forever, what was the plan? I know your focus is on your partners current pettiness but there are bigger legal and financial issues here that should have been addressed years ago.

I'm sorry that your partner's being difficult but your arrangement left you exposed.

This is not right at all.

Why on earth is half of the money your son is paying goes I to your partner account? As it us for upkeep it should be on the joint account and use to Psy for the food, electricity and water he is using. In my eyes, at the moment it's more like he is paying his step father money but us also expected to Psy for food (and when will the time he is also suppose to pay fur the end trickery etcetera come?)

Now for 2 things. Either he has always being very tight and his behaviour/lack on interest in you is more obvious because he is at home all the time. Or he is really struggling with retirement age is getting in some ways depressed, hence the behaviour change.
You will know which one it is.
But I suspect this is the first possibility :(

I agree this is not about your son. If it was he would have approached the subject along the lines 'do you think son needs his own place now? I would like more/space/quiet whatever' type of discussion. Not a 'I want you/him to pay to the last penny for his food'.
Has he said why he prefers to be on his own in the pm? Has he said if there was something he us fed up with?

Btw different people have different attitude re children staying at home/helping their 'adult' dc.
Done will say that once they be graduated they should be out of the house supporting themselves. And though if they don't.
Others will be very happy to carry on supporting them.

I don't think there is any right or wrong there and trying to convince the OP she is wrong to want and help her ds isn't a solution to the problem. The problem here is a partner who us very very tightening mo ey, is happy to ask for 50p but doesn't want to pay back 12k or a knowledge the fact she paid the whole deposit on the house (and has been very careful to pay the jirga he so he still has a big chunk of the house for himself).
The problem is a man who had stopped spending time with his DP and wants time in his own instead. One that isn't bothered if she sleeps in the spare room. I'm sure that if the OP and her partner had been slightly younger, people would have shouted 'affair' by then
And a man that refuses to discuss anything.

On these grounds, I roils say that I round want to have a frank discussion with him highlighting all those issues. And I would think about terminating the relationship.

Note: this isn't like a flat mate in a house share vim pretty sure you still do the cooking for him and the washing etc. A nice position for him to in. He gets to have doing all the boring stuff and he does whatever he wants whilst expecting you to how to his desires (money for example)

I think there is no harm in having a chat with your son about planning for the future eg. suggesting that if he wants to be a home owner then he needs to be saving towards it.

Aside from that your partner sounds awful and, apart from giving him the opportunity of a serious conversation, I think that you should consider ending it.

if we had chippy for tea and son wanted peas he would have to give him the 40/60p for them

FFS! Mini, this chap is horrible. Get yourself & DS out of this - totally abnormal, certainly unhealthy, and emphatically not loving - situation and enjoy being able to sit down with your peas & pizzas, free of miserable, grasping arseholes.

OP instead of talking to DS about selling up and giving him his share of the equity, talk to DP about it. Just gauge his reaction. You will know from his reaction where to take things next.

If he wants DS out and on his own two feet he will have to let go of the equity in the house and sell up.

OP are you joint or tenants in common with DP?

Sons keep pays for gas,electricity,water and food!
The food as now been taken away by partner! Who as £125 (half) of the keep money.

There's no way son is being forced to stay at home!! And I can't understand why you would think this. No adult can force any adult to stay anywhere!

Like I said I don't know why since getting his pension ( he is only 60 and very physically fit) he as become like this about food/money.

It's always me who starts the discussion off(he would just sweep it under the carpet) he always brings things up from the past!! No matter if I say
Move on!! That was 5 years ago, he will say yes but you said it and I will remember!
5 years ago I asked him to leave, in an argument and he begged me to let him stay.
But I'm paying for that because he brings it up in every argument! How he has paid for food for the last xx amount of years for son, how he fixed sons bike, how he pays the mortgage(like I've done nothing 80 deposit) every month. He also just walks into sons bedroom and turns his tv down and shuts the window or turns radiator off whilst sons out of room. And before I get slated off NO it's not loud (if it was I defo would say something)as the bedroom door is shut and we are downstairs, A few more things also, but I'm sick of the same things coming up when really we need to deal with the here and now! Not from years ago.

This puts me off bring up where are we going from here, because

A. I'm not going to sit there and let him slate me without answering back
B. Feel like I'm on eggshells because when after discussion he stonewalls me
C. He will go quite, then I have to say so what do you think about that
D. We never seem to get anywhere, just round in circles and he gets really annoyed and I start crying(because it upsets me so) then I get oh the water works your just trying to make me guilty.

I now you havnt got partners view of things at home I just trying to give you picture of mine/sons living arrangements.

Whenever we begin to start taking again like now, been speaking for 2+ weeks and carrys on like nothing as happened.

Yes I do feel resentment the way he is treating me, but I don't hold it against him. I will move on from it.
Not asking me to return to main bed
Even when I reminded him of 12k, he made me wait for it
The way the food bill is now being sorted out, it's pathetic you owe me,I owe you
FGS were 57 and 60

Son will move out when he is ready too, and if I'm on my own by then I will help him too. I have been brought up to believe you help family and those in need.

Sorry it's so long, I'm probably waffling now soz