Living together! Should/shouldn't be like this??

[Mini05]

so partner and I have been living together for 11 years.
I have a grown up son who also lives at home with us. Over the last 18 mths things have been up and down in our relationship with quite a lot of argueing between us., more so since he retired I'm also at home.

When it got heated last time things were said that keep going through my mind, and I moved into the spare bedroom I feel resentful towards him.
He said that he as paid for my son's food for the last 11 years and now he's a pensioner he's no longer paying towards it (son pays keep) and a few other things. So now the shopping money is split between us, and anything son has he won't pay for! So now all shopping as to be added up excluding bits for son which comes from my shopping money.
I am angry still inside, we are now talking and I have said we need to discuss about the house situation and he just says yes ok. He as also started not asking me to go places with since the big argument, so every afternoon he goes out on his own for about 1-2 hours. It's like we just share a house.

I need to hear from other on what they think of this situation? And I'm not just being petty about supporting my son in the food situation,and also the way we live is not (normal)!!!

That's all fair & reasonable, Cabrinha, but if your partner had given you half his payoff - £12k - eight years ago, I imagine the first thing you'd do would be pay him back?

OP's miserable git tried to deny history, then tried to control the conditions of return. I assume he didn't pay, or offer, any interest.

I think it's quite common for the newly retired to become a bit mean, I think it's the realisation that your earning capacity has gone.

This might go against the grain here, OP, but your DS probably will leave home in the near future, and then your life could become very lonely. Please think very carefully before you do anything rash, perhaps when your son goes you would get along a lot better with your DP.

Oh I've said I don't like the sound of his forgetting that 12K Garlic!

But tbh, I'm confused about their finances.

Yes, she gave him 12K (and more fool her I say, but that arrangement makes me shudder!) but we don't know what they've agreed or what other money has been split over the years.

This 82K isn't a windfall, it's pension savings converted to a lump sum. His 12K pension is nice, but it's not a fortune. I wouldnt hand over 41K after the end of my earning life. I would however have agreed with my partner our joint retirement plans.

It would be different to handing over half of a 24K lottery win aged 40.

He would be crazy to give that to a GIRLFRIEND.

He may be a total arsehole for lying about the 12K, but he's not a stupid one!

It may be that he has paid more to date than OP has, and that even with the 12K the balance sheet is balanced.

Anyway, what is clear is that the OP isn't actually having any FUN with this man. What's the point of him?

Friends of mine don't even charge there kids rent! So I don't see £250 as bad.
When I lived at home my mum was widowed we probably gave equivalent to roughly the same and there was six of us and just my mum.

Op also as a 12k yearly pension ie about £1000 month as well as his lump sum.
If things were bought for the house we always shared the cost, but now he as stated saying things like "what do we need that for" sometimes I will just buy what's needed and don't ask for money because I can't be doing with the third degree.

There is no way I will be kicking/pushing my son out, WHY he hasn't do anything nasty to us we all get on together.

When my ex husband left me when son was 4, he left the house to me on condition I made sure son was ok in later life. So theoretically a third of the house his sons!
There's never arguments between OP and son they get on fine as I've said previously.

This is becoming an issue about son being at home at 25 than me and OP relationship. If son was coming between us, arguements, not working, loud music etc then things would be a different story.

Why do you both own the house if your ex gave it to you?

He has hit a major financial milestone. It's scary stuff going into a fixed and probably lower income. At the same time, the outgoings have gone up (you say the joint account now needs topping up)

If you're to have a future you MUST both newly agree your approach to finances. Otherwise the different attitudes will break you.

Nothing to do with your son.

Have you actually spoken to him about it?
You haven't said what he is saying.

Good point cabrinha. Has DP paid towards the house?

I really feel for you. You are a grown woman and should not have to explain yourself to him. He sounds like he has a good pension and enough to cover so not really anything to worry about.

I often have to buy basics that do doesn't consider like toilet roll, shower gel, nappies. Things to make the house nice. I buy all that and it does add up. I completely understand when you say it's easier not to ask.

He sounds financially abusive. I think you need to talk it out.

Actually, I was unclear about the joint account needing a top-up. Is this because DP is now taking half of DS's payment and keeping it?

I tend to agree with Cabrinha - waste of space! ('D'P not DS)

I think you should sell the house and let your son buy his own place with the equity that he has. How much money would he get if you sold the house tomorrow?

THEN deal with dodgy boyfriend.

I just went back to the first post because I felt with the son and pension stuff I'd actually lost what was being asked.

OP is in spare room and they don't go out together any more. Boyfriend won't talk about it.

OP love, I think this one has run its course.

I would just ask Dp to leave. Is his name on the deeds?

Don't be quick to end a long term relationship so easily, there are many on here who will say dump him, then you see them on another thread wondering where to meet men, if he has been good for years then something is wrong somewhere, we have not heard his side.

I think a 25 year old should not be living at home, could it be you are too mothering and he does not have the confident to try it out there? Could your DP be in despair in trying to make you see sense that he is resorting to extreme measures??

Give us his point of view, then we can help.

Just to clear a few things up

I was married before at 28 ex husband left when son was 4 (cheating)his share of the house to make sure son was ok in future.
I lived in that house with son on our own till I met partner 9 years later. After 2 years together he didn't won't to move into ex's old house, so we bought one together.i/son put all equity into new place partner got mortgage for other half. He wouldn't let me pay half of mortgage as that meant I owed 3/4 of house, but as never let up HE pays the mortgage(like I've done nothing) which pisses me off and I can't get through to him we wouldn't live here without my deposit.

The J/A because things have gone up ie food,d/d etc he thinks we should put the same in as sapy 3 years ago! Things have gone up hence more money for j/A which he thinks is sons food!!! We all eat the bloody same except son may have pizza on offer £1.25 wow

I am a grown woman 57 and don't see why I should justify what I'm doing/buying with my money.

Hence the question is this normal, I feel my relationship is slowly going down the pan. I'm hurt that he as not yet said why are you still in the spare room, as we are talking normally(well as good as) apart from him distancing himself ie going out alone everyday. He does say to that I'm in with you every night but one when he goes out with mates.

Your question...

Is this normal? To some, more than it should be, yes.

Is this acceptable? No.

Your partner is being mean with money :( - who would ask for 50p back from anyone, never mind someone you have a relationship with?! And his attitude 're his payout suggests he doesn't regard you as partners. His behaviour 're yr £12K is despicable!

It is not yr son's fault & there is no reason he should be pressured to move out (leaving you alone with grumpy!)

Seems yr partner is happy with a house share in a nicer house than he could afford by himself....you are not...can you afford to buy him out?

he sounds hell - and why are you giving him half of the money your son pays. You need to stop that right now.

Can't afford to buy him out as that means giving him 45k which is half equity house as made plus take mortgage out of 45k ish.
Re the living in a nicer house than he could afford, yes we live in a large detached house. He previously lived in a rented house.

Re the giving half of sons keep to put towards gas/elec etc, am I right???

Agree it's NOT sons fault he has nothing to do with his behaviour, and I will not be chucking him out/advising him to leave when all this boils down to is money!!!
Before he wanted half sons keep, if we had chippy for tea and son wanted peas he would have to give him the 40/60p for them he felt fish and chips was enough to pay for his tea.

Yes it is hard work, I've never been tight/mean with money. I couldn't say to anybody you owe me 50p or anything under £1 it's not me unfortunately.

You could always get a NICE lodger to help pay the mortgage...

I'm sorry but if my dp told me he had resented paying for my son's food for the last 11 years it would be adieu. However much your son does/does not contribute, what a nasty thing to say.

Hello again

Suggest seperate the issues about your son & your partner

Your son I assume will wish to leave home to live an independent life in the near future
Renting a room in a shared house is part of life experience etc

What does the ideal future look like with your partner or without him ?

You are not too old to start again

Make up or break up ?

Good luck

With him things would have to change! I'm not a penny pincher never have been, I'm careful but not to a silly extent. I would miss him very much, I still love but this money situation and food business with son is silly and not necessary.

When I've brought it up in the past and said to him things can't carry on this way between us, you doing your own thing, me sleeping in spare room etc he as said "well do what you what" what can of answer is that??
He never gives me a proper answer or what he wants from relationship.
Hence me coming on here for advice.

son put all equity into new place partner got mortgage for other half.

So your son owns 25% of the existing property - is this written in the deeds and what is the value of your son's share at present?

I seriously think you should sell up and let your son get his own place. Perhaps that's what DP is worried about - he knows that as joint owners your son could choose to sell up at any time and you would have to do it.

It doesn't sound like your son legally owns any of this house. You're just saying that his dad said you could have the previous house, but you had to look after your son. Which you're doing.

If I were you, I'd have one last stab at talking to your boyfriend. (actually, I wouldn't cos it sounds dead in the water, but I'm trying to be fair).

Then, I'd sell up and downsize. It's a large detached house, there's only you or you plus son. You don't need a £45K mortgage if you get a 2 bed flat / 3 bed semi - whatever your budget stretches to. You've got the value of your smaller house tied up in there, plus £45K of equity growth. You don't need to find money to buy your boyfriend out, if you sell.

Life is far too short to spend with a man who tells you that you don't need peas with your chips. I mean, FGS. Bit mean but fair enough if he says "buy your own peas" but to be TOLD they're not necessary? Bugger that!

Do you want another 30 years of this penny pinching?

No it's not written into any documents, it's a promise I made to his dad so we could stay in the ex marital home. So not joint owners as such

Partner as no worries there! And what as that got to do with partner refusing to pay for any of sons food?

It seems this is turning into thread about son still living at home! I or son have no problems about that we all get on ok. Just partner being an arse deciding he wants different things in our relationship now he's retired.

If he's asking for 50p back this is about more than just the money.

Do you love him?