Living together! Should/shouldn't be like this??

[Mini05]

so partner and I have been living together for 11 years.
I have a grown up son who also lives at home with us. Over the last 18 mths things have been up and down in our relationship with quite a lot of argueing between us., more so since he retired I'm also at home.

When it got heated last time things were said that keep going through my mind, and I moved into the spare bedroom I feel resentful towards him.
He said that he as paid for my son's food for the last 11 years and now he's a pensioner he's no longer paying towards it (son pays keep) and a few other things. So now the shopping money is split between us, and anything son has he won't pay for! So now all shopping as to be added up excluding bits for son which comes from my shopping money.
I am angry still inside, we are now talking and I have said we need to discuss about the house situation and he just says yes ok. He as also started not asking me to go places with since the big argument, so every afternoon he goes out on his own for about 1-2 hours. It's like we just share a house.

I need to hear from other on what they think of this situation? And I'm not just being petty about supporting my son in the food situation,and also the way we live is not (normal)!!!

[TheHermitCrab]

"As you may all now renting is now become very expensive(no excuses) cheapest 1 bed is £450 excluding bills/food so wouldn't leave him hardly anything left. I don't know what son's future plans are. He mentions get a flat but when he's added it up knows it's not affordable at moment.theres chance he may meet somebody in the future."

This kind of attitude is exactly what makes children stay at home and take the easy road.

Yes it's hard to rent while earning min wage, but not impossible.

While your son has been paying you £250 a month all this time has he not been saving all this money to be able to put a deposit down for a rented house??

I'm 27 now. At 19 I moved out on my own and flat shared on min wage, 21, I rented a crappy house, but it was my house, 24 I moved in with my OH (who also earns min wage, part time) and we rent together. We have barely any disposable income, but that's life on min wage.

His options are stay at home and earn enough money to pay his board and still go out every weekend (easy), try working towards a better paid job (difficult) or get out on his own and have less of a social life but more independence (again difficult) So it's no wonder he stays at home. God help the person who he may meet in the future who has to deal with his lack of independence.

Maybe but your son's board up and then the food is payed for by him, or start splitting the bills properly into what he uses, and buy his own food, a lesson in independence.

I'll probably get slated but it's no wonder he doesn't want to subsidise a 25 year old who works and goes out at the weekends, his own son or not.

[GarlicGiftsAndGlitter]

it's no wonder he doesn't want to subsidise a 25 year old

He doesn't want to subsidise his partner, either. He tries to make her subsidise him. He doesn't want to spend his leisure time with her. He doesn't care that she sleeps in the spare room. He demands money as soon as he walks in the door.

I'm not defending him, he doesn't deserve it.

[TheHermitCrab]

GarlicGiftsAndGlitter

I'm not defending him, I don't know him. I'm defending the fact that I'm not surprised he would be bitter about that situation. And since it seems to stem from that one single issue.

He clearly has other issues relating to his retirement and his relationship with the OP.

Her son shouldn't need money from anyone to be fed if he can go out on the weekends with his friends, simple as.

There's clearly other things they are both bitter about that need proper communication that is coming out in petty arguments about money/board/food and time together.

[GarlicGiftsAndGlitter]

He got fairly big retirement lump sum and denied I'd given him 12k in 2007 when I had a large payout. ... Eventually he gave it to me but made me wait till he decided ... everything has to be it seems his way.

It's not a recent phenomenon. DS's keep is just his current way of trying to control OP's life and money. If DS leaves, he'll find something else - I bet he'd decide she can carry on paying what she spent on DS, so he doesn't have to pay for himself!

[TheHermitCrab]

I was merely commenting on the "son at home" issue, that the OP was mainly about, not the subsequent details.

Like I said, they clearly have OTHER issues too.

Whether he is a bad partner or not, her son should be living off his own money, not using it for leisure while his mum pays for his food.

As for the OH and the way he is acting re: money, he's clearly selfish and bitter, and she needs to talk to him and find out why, or end it.

[Joysmum]

As you may all now renting is now become very expensive(no excuses) cheapest 1 bed is £450 excluding bills/food so wouldn't leave him hardly anything left

Moving out doesn't mean renting a one bed flat. I never ever considered moving into a one bed flat to get my independence. I rented a room with bills included. My mates all did the shared house route too. It would never occurred to any of us that we had to be able to afford a flat all to ourselves to be able to move out.

That's just indicative of the shift in expectations of today compared to 25 years ago.

Anyway, that's just an aside. I don't think its the whole issue in this case by a long shot, but I don't think it's a good example of how it appears the people in this partnership are on different pages and resenting one another.

[GarlicGiftsAndGlitter]

Mini didn't ask whether her son should move out. She asked whether her relationship is 'normal'. To me, this relationship looks both emotionally and financially harmful to her.

Do you have a legal contract concerning what happens to the house when you split up, Mini?

[TheHermitCrab]

GarlicGiftsAndGlitter

She asked if she was being petty re: the food/housing situation, I just stated how I can imagine why he feels the way he did about it.

Sorry If I didn't strictly stick to what you deem the OP had requested from us.

[DrinkFeckArseGirls]

Get rid. At denying 12k loan!

[Bogeyface]

Who is to say that the DS shouldnt still be at home? Everyone is happy with the situation except the DP, who has proved himself to be more concerned with money than anything else. He demands her share of the shopping money NOW but denied he owed her a 5 figure sum and made her wait for it!

Get rid.

Oh and maybe have a sit down with your DS to work out a savings plan for him so that he can look at moving out at some point. He obviously plans to at some point so he may as well use this time to save.

[Cabrinha]

I left home at 16, worked, paid my own way in an ice cold flat because we couldn't afford rent AND heating.

You know what? As long as we get on OK, I'd love to have my daughter still at home in her 20s!

I hope not to have a lazy freeloading profligate child... but we might still live together because we WANT to.

This would be really hard if the boyfriend had moved in thinking the 14yo would be off in a few years, and now at 25 he's still there and going nowhere AND the OP had a great relationship. Really hard if it were just about different attitudes to children at home as displayed on this thread.

But this is a man who hassles you for 50p yet LIES about owing you 12K?!!!! And doesn't now want to spend time with you and you're in the spare room. I'd get rid.

[TallulahTwinkletoes]

I'm also not defending mini's DP. I am just saying he's probably not that happy sharing a home with a 25 yr old.

Agree with everything hermit has said.

He is acting like an absolute cock pocket tho. Perhaps you can ask him a way to split bills via online shopping or have a kitty.

Is this stinginess new? Are you sure he's not poor?

[Missqwerty]

Firstly why is your money separate? Surely after 12 years you are equal and living like husband and wife? Why are you loaning each other money? Shouldn't your money be shared and outgoings decided together? Maybe my relationship is slightly old fashioned, but I have lived with my DP for two years and our money is put together and he earns far more then I do. He supports both my children from previous relationship and has never questioned this.

I do think though that letting your children pay minimum and stay at home till their late 20s is teaching them zero life skills and independence. The father of my children lived at home with his parents till he was 27, he now refuses to pay any child support and his own parents bail him out frequently. His sister is the same, never worked and still babied by her parents. Yet his brother moved out at 16 and is very independent with a great job. Sometimes we think we are helping our kids but too much nurturing can make them entitled and have no drive for independence.

I do however think your partner is mean and financially abusive almost. If he has a problem he should discuss it and treat you as an equal, refusing to acknowledge money you have borrowed him and penny pinching over every last penny sounds exhausting and abusive. It sounds to me like he is distancing himself financially almost like he wants out but hasn't the ball's (hence the separate lives and beds) so he's not investing anything financially either.

[Mini05]

Yes thread is about my relationship Not son really.

I started with that because that was one of the recent things we argued about, and DP decided He wasn't paying for sons food. DP is given £125 of sons keep and I have the other.

Son pays for food ! He pays keep as I Have said up thread. I think after working hard all week, why shouldn't anybody go out at weekend. He will have times when he can't because of children etc.

As for those of you who moved out young, were you at uni or problems at home you wanted to get out. I was still at home at 28, son and I have very good relationship so does partner with him when HE wants too

With regards DP having no money he left work with 82k lump sum and 12k year pension, so hardly hard up.
There are other issues with him being controlling with people! When he decided to give me my money back he said "I will give you some so I can see what you spend it on" I went mad at him. Just trying to give you picture of things

I just feel it's now turned into sharing A house with him and not the relationship we had and he's seem quite content to carry on like this because then he can live in harmony coming and going as he pleases with no questions from me.

[TheHermitCrab]

Missqwerty Firstly why is your money separate? Surely after 12 years you are equal and living like husband and wife? Why are you loaning each other money? Shouldn't your money be shared and outgoings decided together?

I don't actually think the above is that odd. Partner and I have been together for 5 years, got a little un on the way and we still have separate finances, I mean we know how much money each other has, and everything is paid equally, but as for our earnings and savings, both still separate, and I know people who have been together for 20 years who still do this and it works well.

(however their situation is not working well, as one is much more precious about THEIR own money than the other)

Everything else though I think you are spot-on about. Especially the independence. My partner lived with his parents into his 20s until we moved in together, and the difference in his expectations about money and living along compared to mine (who'd lived off my own money as soon as I started earning) was massive, took him a long time to adapt to not having so much spare money..etc.

But as I've been told already, that's not the biggest issue it would seem, but OP's OH has a massive chip on his shoulder about money, and is being quite bitter

Maybe he's in financial trouble?...

[TheWindowDonkey]

I'm mixed on this one. On the one hand your partner sounds like a controlling think, and I'd be thinking seriously about moving I were I in your shoes.
On the other, at 25 your son should be standing on his own two feet. Ok, so he's on minimum wage, but those difficulties haven't changes a great deal since I left home. I was in a minimum wage job, 19, and shared a one bedroom flat with a work colleague for two years before being able to move in with my then DP. It's not SUPPOSED to be easy to leave home, the struggling and penny pinching is what helps you grown up imo.

[Mini05]

Miss
It wasn't a loan back then we shared our money so I gave him half, so when he had money he would return it. But half of 82k isn't 12k this is where it differs on his part!
We have both got our own bank accts and also a joint acct for bills etc, we each used to put half each of overall monthly costs for running house. Until recently when he decided he wasn't paying for sons food, I think this came about because it came to the point we had to top up j/a nearly every month so we didn't go into red, not because son was eating anymore like I say he really only as 5 tea meals as he is out at work m/f and out weekend so hardly in the way.

[intlmanofmystery]

You say that this thread is not about your son and he is "hardly in the way" but it sounds like it could be a major issue for your OH. It's possible that as he has just retired he feels short of cash (his income has without a doubt fallen dramatically) and he sees your 25 yo son still living at home as a burden. He may also want more time alone or with you but your son's presence doesn't allow him that in his own home. His frustration is coming across as penny-pinching etc however it may be that your son still living there is the real issue but OH doesn't want or know how to express it without seriously upsetting you.

You will always defend your son, and we all understand that, however OH will look at it very differently. Try to look at it from his POV. There are 3 people in this relationship and your son needs to move out for the benefit of everyone, he's not a baby any more so don't treat him as one.

[escorpion]

I think he would be able to rent a flat or bedsit with that, I rented a place in the SW (expensive) for 475 a month on a wage not that far off what your son earns. And I had a car and was able to save for holidays. He can do it, the fact is that he is obviously comfortable paying you much much less! I understand he is your son and you love him, but I think at 25 he should be moving out or working towards moving out.

[Bogeyface]

So he works on the theory of "Whats yours is mine but whats mine is my own?"

What a charmer. Although not the first person I have heard of who is fine with money when things are normal but when they get a large amount they come over all parsimonious. My sisters FIL was like this when he got a massive windfall. He went from being the soul of generosity to Ebeneezer Scrooge over night, no idea why but he was stingy with everything not just money. BIL didnt want his money but he did want his time and his love but these were meted out very carefully too as if anything he gave to his son would cost in cash.....

[Coyoacan]

Well I wonder whether your OP feels a fatherly interest in your son and is trying to stop you infantalising him so much. The day that your son meets a girl and wants to move in with her he will be expecting all his problems to be solved with 250 pounds a month and that will not end up well.

[Cabrinha]

Why is everyone so down on the son not being capable of living with a partner or on his own later?!
Why isn't it possible that he sees himself as a man who is lucky that his mum is happy for him to stay at home, and doesn't need to ask him for market level rent for doing so?
He is just as likely to be a nice mature independent guy who knows he's on a lucky break right now.

As I said - I see how it COULD be an issue - but I don't think it is. So no point in kicking him out now.

Relationships don't always last. This one may have run its course. I'd say it has in the partner's case, if he's grumbling about food when the son is paying. He's not paying market rent, but I think £250 covers the additional cost he brings, adequately.

I think he and the OP have different attitudes to money and sharing.
To be honest, I would hand over half my pension lump sum to anymore.
I might put it in account and discuss its use with my partner, even allow them free access to it. I certainly wouldn't just hand it over to sit in their account. Especially when not married.

What is he doing with the money? Presumably he has a plan for it - if not he'd not have taken the lump sum and had a better annual pension instead. If he gives half away, he perhaps can't do what he's planning to.

I don't like the sound of him, but he'd be a fool to just hand over half of it to his girlfriend.

[TallulahTwinkletoes]

He seems in self protection mode. Could he have realised that he only has 82k to last the rest of his life and is a bit worried? Assuming he had a 20k a year job, that's only 4 and a bit years worth. If he's used to a 40k job, that's two. He could be very nervous.

I also don't think separate incomes is strange. DP and I don't have a joint account at all. Approx half of the bills comes out of both our accounts. So he pays for x y and z and it equals similar to me a b and c. He does earn more tho so there is a little annoyance on my side.

Re moving out... I was 18 and it was for UNi. I moved back for my first summer and never again. I loved the freedom etc. although, my mum was never one for rules. I sometimes think if I was single I'd move back and have luxuries that I can't afford now but i just couldn't. I'm 27 and it'd be too much of a back step.

I have two colleagues who are brothers and live with their parents. They earn 7 and 8 per hour ish and one has 18k in the bank, an 06 fabia vrs and all brand make clothes. His brother is about to buy a 10k car. They have no outgoings apart from car running costs. I envy them but I know I have the better life. Just a poorer one.

If your son is not the issue, we will drop it but if I were you, I'd ask.

My mil kicked out dbil at 27/28 due to the difficulties it caused with her husband. He's 30 now and after he forgave her, I'm fairly certain he is appreciative.

[Cabrinha]

Just to add, I also find the 50/50 thing a bit odd.
I'm not a fan of shared finances anyway, but I know MN is divided on that.
But I do think that sharing doesn't mean: you receive 82K so I get 41K. For me it means, you receive 82K, so we have 82K. You each own 100% of the whole, together - not 50% of it each.

[littleleftie]

He sounds like a total wanker to me. I would not live like this, a penny pincher who asks you for 50p!!!???

No fucking way!!