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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Mil makes me angry!

105 replies

2rainbows2angels · 22/11/2014 21:11

So after a rant to my mother and some texts to my sister I still need to express my dislike for my mil! Im angry!!
It was my baby girls 1st birthday today, we had a family party between 2-5..now my sisters husband had to go to the hospital as his nan had been rushed there, sister asked if she could stay until her husband could make it back with the car..fine. My mum stayed on a little longer to help with the clearing up..most appreciated. My mil turns up at 4:30, by 5:10 I find she's followed my husband into the hallway and without being aware I had followed her (I know she likes to have secret chats with her son) she said 'so when is everybody else leaving' indicating she wants my children (also have a 3.5 year old boy) all to herself, my husband then says 'I have no control over that' he would rather my family were not there at all (for no reason other than he hates people in his house..clean freak!) so I confronted her and she denied it all. Later on when she was leaving my sister picked up my daughter her took her to say goodbye to mil, only to be told 'oh I best not, I'm not allowed to touch her!' Now my daughter is clingy, a proper mummies girl and as you can imagine by 5:45 absolutely knackered from a busy overwhelming day so even more so, she would opt for being with me over doing anything else! So again I confronted her, big argument!
I lost two babies during pregnancy so my survivors are my world, I do anything with and for them, I don't ask for help and I don't ask for babysitters I am over joyed with doing it all myself..yet no matter how many times we tell mil this she still wants them (her words->) without me or my husband there! This doesn't happen with anybody so why she thinks it's ok to keep asking is beyond me. I got bullied into leaving my son with her once, I went home and cried until I could pick him up (how dare she make me feel like that!) they are my children not hers and yet she insists on nagging and moaning at them like they are.
We go to her house every Sunday afternoon, she takes my eldest off and will not co play with us all in the same room, she moans she doesn't see them enough..my family only sees them once a week too. She insists on carrying my one year old round like a baby (she's been walking for two months and likes to join in) if my daughter is sitting with mil and my daughter decides she wants to get up my mil physical restrains her from getting up and joining in! There is so many more things but I'd be writing for days..just wanted people's opinion on whether I am being selfish and should hand my children over to her when she wants? Am I unreasonable for not letting them go?

OP posts:

Original poster

2rainbows2angels · 22/11/2014 21:12

I hate my mother in law! Help!

OP posts:

MelanieCheeks · 22/11/2014 21:16

I get that you're annoyed. I'm just not clear about what.

Mintyy · 22/11/2014 21:18

You and most of the rest of Mumsnet it seems.

CrazyOldBagLady · 22/11/2014 21:21

I'm sorry I don't really see what has upset you so much. Your MIL sounds like she wants a relationship with your children, but perhaps she feels your presence a little over bearing?

littleleftie · 22/11/2014 21:21

Why do you go to her house every Sunday afternoon? Don't you ever have anything else you want to do/friends you want to see?

If you don't get on, knock it on the head and see her less frequently. Take DC to meet with friends or go for a fun day out with DH. If DH is brainwashed into doing everything MIL wants he can carry on without you can't he?

Pico2 · 22/11/2014 21:22

You sound like you may be being oversensitive to me and possibly like hard work for your MIL who feels like she can't get anything right.

Heels99 · 22/11/2014 21:24

Why are you confronting her all the time? I can't see that at your house today she actually did anything wrong?

Sunna · 22/11/2014 21:24

Most people want their children to have a relationship with their grandparents. You seem overly possessive to me.

Thehedgehogsong · 22/11/2014 21:25

I understand. She is manhandling and trying to physically dominate your children into doing what she wants. She doesn't want you around as you will defend them from her, and stop her doing whatever she wants to do.

I would take the offensive. If she takes your son away, follow and take him back. If she restrains your child, walk over and pick her up. If she kicks off, tell her clearly she needs time to calm down and it's time for you/her to leave.

Short, repetitive statements only. 'I am taking DD now' 'no that doesn't work for us' 'it's time for you to leave' etc. don't argue with her. She is trying to assert her dominance and won't listen to reason, she just has to be told what you are going to do with YOUR children and you will not be swayed.

CrispyFern · 22/11/2014 21:27

Why don't you let your other half take them to his mum to visit and you stay at home and have a nice lie down?

Nanny0gg · 22/11/2014 21:36

Do you actually let her have a relationship with your children?

I'm a bit at all this confrontation!

StillProcrastinating · 22/11/2014 21:39

I understand your protective feelings towards your children. In my experience, I have become less protective now that they are older and are able to express their own opinions etc. but I do find it easiest to walk away and let PILs get on with it when they're around. Otherwise I get irritated. So, advice would be to do as you think best for now, but accept that you are probably being protective and that in the long run, good relationships between you all are very important, so compromise is a good thing....!!

Sunna · 22/11/2014 21:42

Why on earth do you have to be there when she talks to her son? Surely she's allowed to talk to him without you there - it's weird to insist that you are there.

petalsandstars · 22/11/2014 21:45

Hedgehog said far more eloquently - but my thoughts too. I'm guessing that you wouldn't get much back up from DH if you tried though.

beadybaby · 22/11/2014 21:45

You are being selfish and quite strange about your children- they're not property.

It's completely normal to build a relationship with children by giving them one on one time. Why would you deny your kids this? Nothing she has done so far seems particularly terrible.

I can understand with your past losses you could be territorial about your little ones but its really, really not the norm. You should try and relax a bit.

OttiliaVonBCup · 22/11/2014 21:51

Do you have another thread running about this?

Original poster

2rainbows2angels · 22/11/2014 21:57

Thank you the hedgehogsong! Maybe I didn't make it clear in my post but fury took over! This is the first time I've confronted her, in my house on my daughters 1st birthday I think she should have more respect and accept a family gathering rather than just wanting alone time with my children! I do want my children to have a relationship with her but she will not (normally) come to us, she will not come out with us as much as we offer, it has to be her house her time her rules. Every Sunday because that's what she wanted when my eldest was born, just didn't realise we'd still be doing it 3.5 years later, my husband will not take her moaning so just gives in! She treats my children like objects, yet she never bothered much with her own (3 children who have all said it) I thought I was aloud to be possessive of my own children? My family accept my decisions, my way and make the most of the time they have with my children, mil just tries to claim them all the time.

OP posts:

Vivacia · 22/11/2014 21:59

Why don't you opt out of the Sundays? Let your husband take the children and grab yourself a couple of hours to yourself?

beadybaby · 22/11/2014 22:02

I think that's a good suggestion by Vivacia.

One session a week with grandparents isn't a whole lot.

Original poster

2rainbows2angels · 22/11/2014 22:15

It's a five hour session, if she's not willing to come out with us or come to ours then that is all we have time for (with weekly chaos and trying to fit in a family day) I've never felt the need for time by myself but maybe that's the only way
Beadybaby- I do not see my children as property, before long it'll be primary school, secondary school, college, uni..who knows! 5 years is all you get with your children before you have to share them with the world. Should I not be making the most of these years?

OP posts:

batmanandrobin · 22/11/2014 22:18

i had a similar situation when dd1 was born. it's hard as you sound like me- someone who just wants your children to be happy and free!

i found letting DH go without me or babies and making mil realise how upset she was making me (my mil was very dismissive of me bfing, told me i was selfish, hated the name we chose, didn't like that i hadn't upgraded to a 5door car, thought i was dramatic about stitches and pain etc), once i eventually took DDs round we had a calm chat over a coffee over how we both felt and since have had a better understanding of how to get on.

could she have a calm conversation with you? is she likely to hear you out?

sejt · 22/11/2014 22:19

I dont get it completely either

GetTheRedOut · 22/11/2014 22:31

Feel like I'm missing something here. So she went to ask your husband when everyone else was leaving. You then confronted her about this "and she denied it all". All what? What was there to confront her about exactly? Is she not allowed to speak to her own son alone? Is she not allowed to know what time others are leaving? I expect she would have felt more comfortable asking him than you or your family, given your blatant dislike of her.

She then said she's not allowed to touch your DD, presumably because you've given her this impression(?), and you confronted her again. She must feel like she's walking on eggshells around you.

You sound quite controlling and you appear to be refusing to allow the children to have normal relationships with her. Obviously that's up to you but I really can't see what there is to be so angry about in her behaviour today.

If I were you I'd let DH take the children to see her on Sunday's and spend that time doing something for yourself/seeing friends or family. That way you won't have to see her or the behaviour that irritates you and maybe you'll feel a bit less enraged by every little thing she does.

beadybaby · 22/11/2014 22:34

5 years is all you get before you have to start sharing them??? You sound like their on long lease!

Look I don't like my in-laws. I also think that they treated my DH quite badly as a child but I can recognise for my children's sake that building a relationship with their grandparents is something that I should facilitate. No, they're not going to interact with them my way- they'll do it their own way. That's a good thing- your kids will realise that they are part of a varied and loving family who have different ways of expressing themselves.

I think it's unhealthy to try and control your children's relationships like this even at this age. It shouldn't be about you and what you want.

Original poster

2rainbows2angels · 22/11/2014 22:37

Ha I wish! That would be the grown up way and she stills tantrums like a toddler. I fell pregnant with my eldest and she told us we were stupid for having kids - literally - stupid (apparently they cost too much and they take over your life..well yeah!?)Anything I've gone through she has to compare herself to, I lost a baby, she had high blood pressure (of course the same thing?!)
Fil apologises for her behaviour all the time, but no one will actually talk to her about it. We all know how she reacts in situations that are not lead by her.

OP posts:

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