Mil makes me angry!

[2rainbows2angels]

So after a rant to my mother and some texts to my sister I still need to express my dislike for my mil! Im angry!!
It was my baby girls 1st birthday today, we had a family party between 2-5..now my sisters husband had to go to the hospital as his nan had been rushed there, sister asked if she could stay until her husband could make it back with the car..fine. My mum stayed on a little longer to help with the clearing up..most appreciated. My mil turns up at 4:30, by 5:10 I find she's followed my husband into the hallway and without being aware I had followed her (I know she likes to have secret chats with her son) she said 'so when is everybody else leaving' indicating she wants my children (also have a 3.5 year old boy) all to herself, my husband then says 'I have no control over that' he would rather my family were not there at all (for no reason other than he hates people in his house..clean freak!) so I confronted her and she denied it all. Later on when she was leaving my sister picked up my daughter her took her to say goodbye to mil, only to be told 'oh I best not, I'm not allowed to touch her!' Now my daughter is clingy, a proper mummies girl and as you can imagine by 5:45 absolutely knackered from a busy overwhelming day so even more so, she would opt for being with me over doing anything else! So again I confronted her, big argument!
I lost two babies during pregnancy so my survivors are my world, I do anything with and for them, I don't ask for help and I don't ask for babysitters I am over joyed with doing it all myself..yet no matter how many times we tell mil this she still wants them (her words->) without me or my husband there! This doesn't happen with anybody so why she thinks it's ok to keep asking is beyond me. I got bullied into leaving my son with her once, I went home and cried until I could pick him up (how dare she make me feel like that!) they are my children not hers and yet she insists on nagging and moaning at them like they are.
We go to her house every Sunday afternoon, she takes my eldest off and will not co play with us all in the same room, she moans she doesn't see them enough..my family only sees them once a week too. She insists on carrying my one year old round like a baby (she's been walking for two months and likes to join in) if my daughter is sitting with mil and my daughter decides she wants to get up my mil physical restrains her from getting up and joining in! There is so many more things but I'd be writing for days..just wanted people's opinion on whether I am being selfish and should hand my children over to her when she wants? Am I unreasonable for not letting them go?

I have two (v young) boys and I read posts like yours and just hope and pray they don't marry someone like you.

You sound obsessive and controlling and unwilling to let your MIL have her own, direct relationship with you children.

It's all about you, isn't it?

You poor thing. I get where you're coming from. Some families look ok from the outside, and if you try and explain the issues they sound petty and non-existent, but from the inside there are boundaries being crossed left, right and centre.

It's really really hard to deal with this situation because it's so hard to put what's happening into words.

Great summary Yackity That's how I read it too. You have the perfect right to bring your children up how you choose. She does sound difficult and controlling. as the children get older, they will learn to manage her. I think leave your husband to do the Sunday visits. it will be stressful for you at first, but they;ll come to no real harm whilst he is there.

Agree with Yackity and Bifflepants she DOES read as very "my way or the highway" so I think YANBU.

All that said, I think you're so worried about her not railroading you that you're jumping on everything in a negative way, giving her (and people on this thread) the idea that it's you that's being irrational and controlling.

I think you need to learn to pick your battles, if only for your own sanity. I understand that her asking when others would leave is a trigger for you, but instead of challenging her on it, next time just speak to your DH about it or be mindful of the fact she wanted everyone else gone asap so she could get alone time and store that info away. Her asking didn't make everyone leave. Her wanting alone time doesn't mean she gets it. So just ignore it.

The comment about not being allowed to touch your child... she didn't say it around you and honestly it doesn't affect you, not really. She's being a pain, she's being a martyr, but "that's MIL!". Your response to someone telling you she said that... "she's a bit strange sometimes that one!".

Maybe, like a Grandma poster up thread said, she really feels like she's just being an attentive grandma and you're not allowing her any time alone. Though I hate to say "well it is her grandchild", it IS, and especially in her mind as "my grandchild" rather than "my son's child". This is a special time for her too, like you've thought of having kids she's no doubt thought about grandkids... she thinks she's "entitled" to time, entitled to a certain kind of relationship and you're just interfering with what she had planned.

Being alone means you don't hover over her judging how she grandparents. As you don't trust her (and I don't trust mine) then I totally understand why you're not okay with it so you just need to get used to say "that doesn't work for us. I'll let you know when that changes". Or you could just say "you're more than welcome to come spend time alone with DC at our house, all of their things are here and it's just easier on them not to travel". Also cut back on the Sunday's "we don't get enough time together as a just us due to DH working, we'll change it to every other (preferably once a month)".

Good luck!

I have two (v young) boys and I read posts like yours and just hope and pray they don't marry someone like you.

You sound obsessive and controlling and unwilling to let your MIL have her own, direct relationship with you children.

It's all about you, isn't it?

^^^ This!!!!

This with bells on:

Look I don't like my in-laws. I also think that they treated my DH quite badly as a child but I can recognise for my children's sake that building a relationship with their grandparents is something that I should facilitate. No, they're not going to interact with them my way- they'll do it their own way. That's a good thing- your kids will realise that they are part of a varied and loving family who have different ways of expressing themselves.

I think it's unhealthy to try and control your children's relationships like this even at this age. It shouldn't be about you and what you want.

Ladymariner I couldn't agree with you more. I also have two boys and a DIL like the OP would be my worst nightmare. I feel for the MIL.

Oh, I'm surprised people can't see a problem with MIL's behaviour, from the OP alone.

She is so obsessed with seeing the DC alone only, that she turned up 2.5 hours late to her GD's first birthday party, just in time for everyone else to leave. She intended to stay later than she'd actually been invited for, so as to claim her 'me time' and was then upset that, for good reasons, two of the other relatives didn't leave promptly.

That alone is very odd, thick-skinned, domineering behaviour.

Oh this thread is like feeding time at the zoo

I think it is incredibly hard to let your child be cared for by someone you don't trust regardless of who that is

When DIL and MIL trust and respect each other then it's easy to leave the child is the care of the MIL - MIL will respect the DILs parenting style and DIL will be glad for MIL to develop a special bond with her baby

When there is no trust, or trust has been previously broken, it's complete hell and like handing your child over to worse than a complete stranger.

Either way - either build the trust between you or accept there is none and act accordingly

What you can't do is expect this to get better by itself because it won't

Why do super clingy mothers like you get grandparents who want have their grandchildren while I love to have a break but no one will have my daughter? Do you want swap?

Also what is wrong with wanting to talk to her son alone? I see you have a son!! Hmmmm karma a bitch.

OP I would share your concern about leaving your DC alone with her, because she isn't responding to their needs but imposing her desires - for them to be doll-like - upon them. As a result your DS has already told you he doesn't like spending time with her.

Relationships with GPs are great but do not have to involve them spending time alone with their GCs, especially if they're not great at dealing with them, or find them hard work.

I think the golden rule is to spend time all together until you're comfortable with their care of your DC, before you leave them alone together. But there's nothing wrong with always seeing the GPs together, as a family.

My own PILs are good with dd and I like them. They spent time with her at our house when she was tiny, then built up the time and responsibility until I was happy for them to take her out for a walk, then to their house for a few hours. By one she'd stayed overnight.

I was happy with them taking her out at a few months old because they were good with her, responded to her needs and listened to us about the ways we did things. Had those conditions not been met, she would not have been spending time alone with them.

I think that expectation and assessment of what will work is quite normal and reflected in many other discussions on these boards. You're just getting flak because your too worked up to see the wood for the trees and tell a clear story.

The problem was not talking to her son alone. It was going through him to stake her claim to spending time alone with her GCs that day, rather than asking the OP, their primary carer, if this would be ok. She was deliberately bypassing the OP and trying to overrule her - and exclude her from being with her own children, in her own home, on the evening of her dd's first birthday - with the permission of her son.

This is what OP confronted her about.

This at the time she should have been leaving, as he party she'd been invited to had ended at five.

Eek, nightmare DIL. Not that MIL is perfect either.

YABU.

I can see exactly why you're worried. But like someone else said, I think you need to focus on your reactions to her. You getting openly annoyed is muddying the waters of the actual problem here, and making it look like you are part of the problem.

Personally I would not be happy to leave my children in her care without me, until I could see her responding to their needs properly.

I would be arranging family Sundays out sometimes. To make this feel less like you're deliberately shutting her out, invite her for the occassional lunch or coffee.

Be vague about presents. Give her strategies to play with your children in way they might like. If your dd tries to walk off, hand your MIL a toy and say, "she might like to play with this."

She sounds really difficult.

Your mil sounds like hard work but there is things you can change about yourself right now that have nothing g to do with her. All that ..l only have kids for 5 years etc is not true so kick it out..my kids are 19 to 24..still have great relationship fun chats. Yesterday l visited my own mom ..lm in my 50s while l was there my dsis called in...we do this every week...phone other days etc...its far too intense to feel like that about your kids..ease up a bit or you are in danger if becoming one of those mad mil in years to come who doesn't want to let her darlings go. I think going out into hall and challenging your mil is totally over the top too. Remember she has the same relationship with your DC as your own mom. I have a gd and my heart soars when her mom asks me to babysit. She really chats to me when we are onour own...l get to read her stories...her mom and my ds are not together so its totally up to her. The stuff about the present is a horrible thing for her to do but don't let her being horrible make you horrible as l feel you are in danger of being. Remember sons pick girls who remind them of their mothers!!

jeez... have some of you been expelled from AIBU or something?

cos relationships is certianly a million miles away from where you ought to be posting!

taking a child off and not co-playing is not right. turning up at a party 2.5 hours late, 30mins before the end and asking when everyone else is pissing off leaving is not right.

there is no needd for GP to demand to have GC alone, yet time and time again we see threads where GP throw fits and tantrums because they want the gc to themselves and want the parents to go elsewhere.

why? who tf knows? it's odd, and likely to cause offense at the very least.

not everyone has inlaws that have the gc best interests factored into anything they do, yes it may be that mil feels that the OP is too child focussed and isn't allowing time for her dh/marriage etc, but wrenching children off her and demanding the children do what she wants them to do is not the way to resolve this.

op, I suggest you have a proper adult conversation about your marriage/life/family and review how things are. it may be that you are being exclusively child focussed, and are not actually leading your children towards being able to interact with people and places like nursery/school etc, but it might be that you mil is going about grandparenting/mil-ing in the wrong way.

you have a say and a right to be heard in your family, and your dh needs to see and respect this.

you need to understand where he is so that the both of you can agree a stance.

otherwise you are going to be painted as the loon, and you'll run the risk of losing the battle AND potentially your marriage.

You and your MIL sound very, very similar. Very controlling, selfish and its ad if its more important to win than anything else.

How sad for the children.

Well you shouldn't need to explain why people were still in your house & them being there didn't stop MIL seeing her GC.
inging in, iI suppose it might have been better than confronting her but it sounds as if you have had enough.

Would your husband go for less time on a Sunday?

I think you need to go with him to stop her blocking your youngest from in, if he won't.

When she takes your oldest away, what does she do with her?

Is it really a problem?

If so, why don't you go as well or just fetch her back?

Both OP and her husband appear controlling ( no visitors at home and no sharing the child?). Her MIL presumably raised the man she loves so must have done some things ok? People seem to forget that grandparents have already raised children albeit differently. Why are new mums the experts on everything who have to "teach" grandparents before they are allowed to have the children alone. Thankfully my DC are not so anal ( she says smiling at beautiful DGS who stayed last night )

I am with yackity, I am not seeing where the OP is a loon or controlling at all! The MIL sounds awful and I would be feeling the same. Some weird people in here right now ...

Tbh they all sound like hard work... maybe it's true when they say sons marry woman like their mother and one day you'll be that MIL wanting private chats with your own son and getting yelled at by your DIL for doing it wrong.

This isn't working and you're going to have to find a middle ground. People want to love your kids and develop a relationship while they are little so maybe start with that once a month where your bloke and the kids go to his mother's alone and you have some time to yourself. You never know you might eventually look forward to it.

Well your mil is a cow for wanting to babysit your children?

And you're confronting her? Well one of you is a piece of work but here's a clue, it ain't the mil. Do you have any idea how poorly your op read? You sound like some stroppy cheap character off Eastenders. Do you hear "duff duff duff" after you "confront" her in your head...?!

oh yes... the previous generation already did it, so why do new mums think they are the experts???

where shall I start?

with smacking?

or just refer to 'well it was ok in the 70's'?

I am the expert on my ds. we are all the experts in our children. we do have and should have the last say over a gp. every time.

a GP has no rights to their GC, it's a
privelege to be entrusted with a child that isn't yours.

if you as a gp go storming in, taking over, making comments and being difficult why should you be granted solo care of a baby?

just because you think you did a good job, you can't expect that everyone else did the same or even that your own children/their families agree with you that you did.

the DH (raised by the mil) appears to struggle socially and may have ocd tendancies as mooted in 'clean freak'. in all events he has no ability to take an adult stance in negotiations with his mother. the issues the H has are likely to be a product of his upbringing.

the op however has held a party for her relatives at home, invited his family too, and her mil's not pitched up until the end and wanting to know when everyone else was leaving.

the present hijacking was astoundingly wrong.

I sense that this is the thin tip of a very long wedge.

is there some kind of 'filter' on certain browsers?

I genuinely don't know where people are getting this level of vitriol for an OP who sounds stressed and unsupported.

she's not complaining about the mil being a cow for wanting to babysit, it's the fact that the babysitting is being forced upon her, her ds is taken off her away from everyone else, and her mil wants to isolate and monopolise the children, being rude to op's family into the bargain.

babysitting has to be mutually agreed, or else it's akin to abduction.

yes It maybe that op is a little dependent on her children - and i'm not altogether convinced this is the case - but wrestling them off her won't be the answer. ever.