Mil makes me angry!

[2rainbows2angels]

So after a rant to my mother and some texts to my sister I still need to express my dislike for my mil! Im angry!!
It was my baby girls 1st birthday today, we had a family party between 2-5..now my sisters husband had to go to the hospital as his nan had been rushed there, sister asked if she could stay until her husband could make it back with the car..fine. My mum stayed on a little longer to help with the clearing up..most appreciated. My mil turns up at 4:30, by 5:10 I find she's followed my husband into the hallway and without being aware I had followed her (I know she likes to have secret chats with her son) she said 'so when is everybody else leaving' indicating she wants my children (also have a 3.5 year old boy) all to herself, my husband then says 'I have no control over that' he would rather my family were not there at all (for no reason other than he hates people in his house..clean freak!) so I confronted her and she denied it all. Later on when she was leaving my sister picked up my daughter her took her to say goodbye to mil, only to be told 'oh I best not, I'm not allowed to touch her!' Now my daughter is clingy, a proper mummies girl and as you can imagine by 5:45 absolutely knackered from a busy overwhelming day so even more so, she would opt for being with me over doing anything else! So again I confronted her, big argument!
I lost two babies during pregnancy so my survivors are my world, I do anything with and for them, I don't ask for help and I don't ask for babysitters I am over joyed with doing it all myself..yet no matter how many times we tell mil this she still wants them (her words->) without me or my husband there! This doesn't happen with anybody so why she thinks it's ok to keep asking is beyond me. I got bullied into leaving my son with her once, I went home and cried until I could pick him up (how dare she make me feel like that!) they are my children not hers and yet she insists on nagging and moaning at them like they are.
We go to her house every Sunday afternoon, she takes my eldest off and will not co play with us all in the same room, she moans she doesn't see them enough..my family only sees them once a week too. She insists on carrying my one year old round like a baby (she's been walking for two months and likes to join in) if my daughter is sitting with mil and my daughter decides she wants to get up my mil physical restrains her from getting up and joining in! There is so many more things but I'd be writing for days..just wanted people's opinion on whether I am being selfish and should hand my children over to her when she wants? Am I unreasonable for not letting them go?

OP, you are getting a hard time on this thread I think.

However, I do think you have a DH rather than a MIL problem.

If you didn't have to spend five hours every Sunday with a woman who you clearly detest, then your life would be far happier.

My ex MIL used to try this kind of shit but I told DH I was taking the kids x, y, z. If he wanted to go to MILS he could. He chose to spend the time with me and the DC. What would your DH choose?

If he cannot stand up to his mummy then you have a big problem. I suspect you will lose all respect for him. I know I would.

Some very unsupportive comments on here for an op who is clearly stressed and her first post is an angry reaction to what has happened at her DD's birthday party.

Op, you do sound a little overprotective, but that is nothing bad, and you will relax as you they get a bit older. All our children are precious to us.

I think after the birthday party events, your DH needs to man up and sort matters out because if he does not, there will be a massive fall out resulting in you attempting to stop contact which will inevitably lead to your husband taking the children to see her without you - so please do not fall into this trap.

This happened to me and I will always remember how I felt when my DH took our children to his mother's for several hours on Christmas Day whilst I sat alone.

You need to talk and you need to stop the ridiculous Sunday afternoons as well as you are letting her dictate your life. She is in a power struggle with you and you need to present a united front. She does need to see the grandchildren - not her right, but theirs - but on your terms.

Op start by altering that monotonous Sunday routine....

Do it sooner rather than later....that break from 'the old routine' etc might even help for you to look at your relationship with her differently....it's also family time for just you guys sometimes and regarding the time to yourself occasionally YES!!

But try not to do it all as a routine of 'this Sunday it's MIl'
'Next Sunday it's just us'
Perpetually....go with the flow now and then....

Good luck

You sound like hard work, OP.

I get that your DCs are 'your world' but so are other people's and they are still allowed a relationship with other family members.

I am sick of the MIL crap on here. She might be slightly annoying and some of her remarks sound passive-aggressive which is vastly irritating but tbh I would like to hear your MIL's version of events because I bet you don't come out well either.

If she wants to see her son's children, she should be able to without you putting up barriers or being a pest about it. They are your DH's children as well.

I have similar issues with my MIL and have posted about them before. I am happy to let my MIL have her time with DD, but I too am unhappy with MIL expecting to take over my DD 100% whenever we are with her.

I think my issue comes from the fact that I am very much not made to feel as being part of the family. It's very obvious that I am the inconvenient bridge that MIL has to cross to have contact with her DGD. Your MIL sounds similar. However, I will admit that I don't approach MIL for advice or to chat either; we have never had that kind of relationship. How do you treat your MIL? How were things before you had DC?

The advice that has helped me in the past would be to 'pick your battles'. If you're unhappy with the idea of letting MIL babysit then don't do it. However, when you are visiting, take the initiative and suggest things. Say to MIL 'oh DS loves this toy, why don't you play with him with it for a while'. When MIL is trying to carry DD all the time say 'Oh MIL, DD prefers to run around, why don't you take her into the garden/play in the living room/play this game…' etc. You will feel more comfortable because YOU then have more control of the situation and MIL is (hopefully) still happy because she's getting one on one time with her DGC.

I would also suggest, if you can, asking DH to take the DC to her on his own. I find it very hard to be without my DD and I too don't see the need for 'me time'. However, a while ago MIL came to stay with us and I forced myself to make myself busy and do my own thing while MIL looked after DD (MIL made it clear she was only coming to see DD and not me and DH was at work). It was so much easier as I couldn't get annoyed by MIL as I couldn't see what was going on! MIL was delighted to get DD all to herself and when I came home, DD and I got loads of cuddle time together. Your case isn't quite the same, but it might be worth considering this. You can ask DH to get the DC back by a specific time so they aren't gone for 5 hours. I will be hard doing it the first time, but imo it's far easier than going there yourself every week.

Relationships between MILs and DILs are tricky but they have to be worked on from both sided, as in most cases, no one is going anywhere and a good relationship between your DC and their GM is important. Maybe with some changes from you, your MIL will also take a step back? I know that my feelings of anger with my MIL don't do me any favours; I'd much rather be relaxed around her, so I do my best to work on coping strategies to keep everyone happy.

Good luck.

if MIL had wanted to see her gc, praps she should have turned up on time at the party instead of during clearing up time eh? just a thought, but carry on with your piling on in eh? cos it's sooo constructive.

is it a full moon or something? gransnet broken? the weather making some more tetchy than usual? evening primrose is short supply? what is it?

I can't see why people are giving the OP such a hard time. I had a MIL like this; clinging on to the toddler to keep him on her lap while he struggled to get down, following him around the room desperate to pick him up. She also totally ignored the older children each time there was a new baby (we had 4 very close together) which I thought was unforgiveable.

What will probably happen OP is that as the children get old enough to complain, MIL will lose interest altogether - that's what happened with mine. Doesn't help you now though. I agree that you should knock the Sunday visiting on the head and just go occasionally. Invite her to yours and if she wont come then win win.

And I really don't get the obsession with having GC alone, which comes up on MN over and over again. Fair enough when they are old enough to have a proper relationship but not as babies. My DD (7) goes to stay with grandma quite often and they have a lovely time but she wouldn't have been left as a baby.

Well, there was that thread where poster walks in to bedroom to find her mother-in-law with baby at the breast.

I cannot see why the OP is getting such a hard time either.

I also think that OPs MIL wants to play mummy again and purely on her own terms. People like MIL are inherently unreasonable and whilst some suggestions to tackle this issue are sensible, many have actually been written from a position of assuming that MIL is at all reasonable and amenable at heart. Such people are however inherently unreasonable, emotionally unhealthy, have no friends or other interests, want the last word and spoil for a fight.

OPs DH is also a problem here because he also cannot assert his own authority here because of his overbearing mother's conditioning of him. He has had a lifetime of her and such conditioning is extremely hard to undo. His inertia is really only hurting his own family unit now.

If MIL cannot or will not behave at all decently around OP and her H then she should get to see none of these people at all. Societal convention that children should get to see and have a relationship with their grandparents is a powerful one but it does not always follow that such relationships are healthy primarily because the grandparents are themselves emotionally unhealthy and were poor parental models to their now adult children (who are themselves stymied and have been trained to put themselves last). It sends mixed messages to the children for a start because they see their mum and or dad being disrespected by their nan, a person who is supposed to love them as well. Such behaviour should never be tolerated at all in any family. None of this behaviour shown in OPs initial post would have been tolerated at all if a friend had done this, family are truly no different.

Your DH has married his mother.

God help your children.

Oh and in 20-odd years time, you will be your MIL.

Think on.

I think you sound like you are at the end of your tether and need to break the Sunday habit. Could you, as a family, cut it down to twice a month perhaps? And then you only go once a month. Do you trust DH to have the DCs best interests at heart when at Pils? If you do then try and enjoy the break from the situation. If you don't then the problem lies with your husband and not entirely with mil.

DH taking the children to see MIL is also problematic because I have also noted that OPs eldest child does not want to go. Also taking the children solely with DH to see her plays right into her hands, she would like that very much having DIL out of the picture.

The "normal" rules of dealing with familial relations truly goes out the window because these people never ever play by the "rules". These people never co-operate although the people on the receiving end of such awful behaviour always have.

"OPs eldest child does not want to go."

See, I wonder about that. It would suit the OP for it to be true, but I wonder how much the idea has been subtly suggested to the child.

I actually had a hard time when ex-DH left us and I often worried that,DC may have suffered as I was always working to make ends meet. When I have spoken to them their childhood memories are good. They trust me to look after their children and if anything I am a bit softer than they are. I don't always agree with their parenting methods but I keep my mouth shut and only offer advice if asked. Oh and I have never smacked my grandchildren Hissy!

I can't see why op is getting a hard time either, and some of the name calling has been awful.

all i can say is that sons often marry people who are like their mothers
you both sound controlling and rigid

"some of the name calling has been awful."

What's been most awful is the way the OP has been talking about her husband's mother/child's grandmother. Can't see that it's merited, to be honest.

"he has been more than happy to work with me on my way of bringing them up. So my way is our way now."
Yet it's the mil who's controlling? Anyway, what's the big deal on setting out a "way" of bringing them up?

Your MIL sounds like a PITA and has serious boundary issues but they are being exasperated by your controlling tendencies.

Your H has opted out or has been bullied into doing things your way. Very few of us had any parental experience until we became parents, so your H's statement was factually correct and not an 'admission' of incompetence. However, he won't learn until he has the space and freedom to do so. Your way isn't the only way and you do your child and your child's father a disservice, by insisting it is. 'Your way' leaves no room for your children to form important and rewarding relationships, without you or your expressed permission, that isn't healthy. I'm guessing your family 'gets it' because they have very little choice.

One of the most important jobs of being a parent is laying the groundwork for when we aren't around to make the decisions and cushion the landings. As they grow they will encounter many different types of relationships and the permission/ opportunities given now, will hopefully prepare them for all kinds of situations which you can not foresee.

There is a difference between protective and being possessive.

I wasn't talking about your grandchildren. sand

did you smack your children? most of your contemporaries did...

but your generation thinks you did it bettter.

hardly a shock to have to admit that thinking is now completely different now, and hitting children, despite what parents of the 60s/70s did, is wrong

so actually, our generation is better at childrearing than yours.

but do carry on making irrelevant and unhelpful comments...

Really Hissy are we? I think outcomes is what makes the difference and we haven't got far enough down that road. Past generations might not of got it right with the hitting but I think that they did more to foster independent children than we do now and actually have us the room to grow and develop relationships apart from them.

so actually, our generation is better at childrearing than yours.

Apart from not smacking, evidence please? (Oh, and not everyone in our generation smacked)

Bit of a sweeping statement Hissy that your generation is better at childrearing. I was brought up in the 50s and I was never smacked/hit by my parents. I'm sure they weren't the only parents of that generation not to hit their children.

I likewise didn't hit my children brought up in the 80s

And that apart. There's a lot more involved in bringing up children than whether to smack or not smack them and just because most parents today don't hit their children it doesn't mean their general childrearing is superior.