Mil makes me angry!

[2rainbows2angels]

So after a rant to my mother and some texts to my sister I still need to express my dislike for my mil! Im angry!!
It was my baby girls 1st birthday today, we had a family party between 2-5..now my sisters husband had to go to the hospital as his nan had been rushed there, sister asked if she could stay until her husband could make it back with the car..fine. My mum stayed on a little longer to help with the clearing up..most appreciated. My mil turns up at 4:30, by 5:10 I find she's followed my husband into the hallway and without being aware I had followed her (I know she likes to have secret chats with her son) she said 'so when is everybody else leaving' indicating she wants my children (also have a 3.5 year old boy) all to herself, my husband then says 'I have no control over that' he would rather my family were not there at all (for no reason other than he hates people in his house..clean freak!) so I confronted her and she denied it all. Later on when she was leaving my sister picked up my daughter her took her to say goodbye to mil, only to be told 'oh I best not, I'm not allowed to touch her!' Now my daughter is clingy, a proper mummies girl and as you can imagine by 5:45 absolutely knackered from a busy overwhelming day so even more so, she would opt for being with me over doing anything else! So again I confronted her, big argument!
I lost two babies during pregnancy so my survivors are my world, I do anything with and for them, I don't ask for help and I don't ask for babysitters I am over joyed with doing it all myself..yet no matter how many times we tell mil this she still wants them (her words->) without me or my husband there! This doesn't happen with anybody so why she thinks it's ok to keep asking is beyond me. I got bullied into leaving my son with her once, I went home and cried until I could pick him up (how dare she make me feel like that!) they are my children not hers and yet she insists on nagging and moaning at them like they are.
We go to her house every Sunday afternoon, she takes my eldest off and will not co play with us all in the same room, she moans she doesn't see them enough..my family only sees them once a week too. She insists on carrying my one year old round like a baby (she's been walking for two months and likes to join in) if my daughter is sitting with mil and my daughter decides she wants to get up my mil physical restrains her from getting up and joining in! There is so many more things but I'd be writing for days..just wanted people's opinion on whether I am being selfish and should hand my children over to her when she wants? Am I unreasonable for not letting them go?

I am trying to understand here, but I feel that because you have blocked her from seeing them without you (and you do sound quiet intense, though its understandable after losing two children) that its become a bigger deal for her.

She does need to back off a bit but you need to work with her too. Is a bit of a personality clash. I think it's unrealistic to expect your child to save the first five years exclusively with you. Surely they deserve the love of their grandparents. It's just worth thinking about. Why not let her have them an odd day- get your hair done, a break etc. You still get all the nice bits.

Beadybaby- I don't think you're getting my point, if I had a thousand hours it still wouldn't be long enough to explain this situation and how difficult mil is making our life's (yes her own sons as well) so that EVERYBODY gets it, maybe I'm just not doing a great job of explaining!
The people that do get it I appreciated any comments and suggestions.

I would work with her if she had any compromise in her but it's her way or 'I'm going to kick off until my son can't take it anymore' and then he drags us all round there. Maybe here I should mention that my 3.5 year old already says he doesn't want to go round there, should I be forcing him? At the moment it takes a lot of persuading.

Am I missing something? You haven't suggested any version of a compromise on this thread. (And little ones pick up their cues from you so any reluctance to go doesn't mean much.)

But since everyone who doesn't agree with you just 'doesn't get it' and you're completely in the right I'll bow out now. (Although you being in the right doesn't seem to have sorted the issue thus far. )

I'm not suggesting anybody doesn't get it, people have said - I don't get it, am I missing something? I don't believe I am in the right, I believe I'm bringing up my children the best way I know, my way, and everybody accepts and appreciates this apart from mil. The compromise if she wants more time with the children is coming to us during the week? For tea? Joining us on a family day out? But no she'll refuse it's her house or nothing

Sorry to say this, but I think you're coming across as a bit of a loon.
I just don't get what she's done that's so wrong.

Tbh you sound like hard work to be around. Yes I get that your children are very precious to you. I do understand that - I lost a baby in pregnancy and spent several years trying to get pregnant with my second child. I cried the first time I left my dd with anyone - and that was with a very trusted friend and only for a few hours.

However, what I have discovered over the years is that children thrive on feeling wanted and loved and being part of a family. I really don't think that them knowing and playing with their grandmother will be a bad thing. I say this as someone who doesn't get on with her mil. however, my children still have a right to a relationship with their grandmother - she is part of their extended family. You need to relax a little and let your childrens world expand to include others - its good for them.

Incisting on carrying your just turned 1 year old is hardly a terrible thing . She is just a bit older than a baby. Maybe she is taking them off to play so she can relax and get to know them without you hovering over them whilst she feels like you are waiting for her to do something wrong - which you are really.

So, yes, I would either let her have time with them alone or if you are not feeling ready for that - some encouragement from you (things like "go show gran your lovely colouring/jigsaw ....."etc.) would be a good idea imho.

You might not understand the situation, but it is a bit rude to call someone a loon clam!

She's done so many things, this isn't just from me this is from my husband and fil who have also had enough!
I told mil what I was buying my eldest for Christmas, she went and brought it and gave it to him to use at her house..fine, I knew he'd love it so where's the harm in having two? When she later found out we had gone a brought one too she through a tantrum, does she do it to irritate or just so she has a reason to kick off?
If mil actually played with the kids and followed their lead then fine but it's all 'no we don't want to play that, no don't do that, no don't sit there' if my child wants to get off your lap let her, she's one, she knows what she wants so let her get it, don't grab her arm and pull her back onto your lap because that's where you want her to be!

right, you seem intent on just wanting to complain about how awful she is. work away. I'll leave you to it....

1st and second paragraph to Clam, just an example.
The rest to Inkspellme, in reply to what you wrote!

It all sounds very confrontational....I'd claim back your Sundays ....routines like that aren't always good. A degree of flexibility on both sides would be helpful.

If I'm honest I can't really understand whats going on but many different niggles coupled with a general dislike of your mil,

I'm bringing up my children the best way I know, my way, and everybody accepts and appreciates this apart from mil.

Where is your DH in this?

He works long hours, and we went into this with him knowing nothing about babies/children (by his admission) he has been more than happy to work with me on my way of bringing them up. So my way is our way now.

Lots of people all seeing from your posts that you seem OTT. I'm in that camp too.

Some great suggestions already given so that saves me some typing.

I think a degree of flexibility on your part may help Op.

She doesn't sound like the most laid back person in the world Op but to be honest you sound as if you need to step back from all this a little.

Only1scoop, that's exactly what it is, 5 years of constant moaning, gripes, negativity and rudeness has brought me here.
Maybe claiming back one Sunday a month as well as sending kids with husband to mils one Sunday a month would be worth a try.

Are you determined to find fault no matter what?

I can understand what you are saying, OP. She sounds like the one that is hard work.

I think you must have been to the same parenting classes as my daughter-in-law. You are being very controlling. I have a one year old grandchild, and I have travelled the 250 miles a couple of times to see her. She has been to my home just once. I can truthfully say that I have barely opened my mouth, once I realised how the land lay. I just desperately wanted some time to hold this little beauty, and play with her, and tell her stories and how much I love her. The reality was she was taken from me after a few minutes. I was not allowed to feed or change her, nor push her in the buggy - which I bought incidentally! - as apparently I would "do things differently". You know what, I won't be going again, because it's too much for me physically and especially emotionally. I'm a widow and live alone, so I can only pray that they will bring her to me....I'm not holding out much hope though, as Christmas is already planned with her family. I am at a complete loss, but I will say nothing, because my son and I have always had a wonderful relationship, and I won't put that at risk. I ache to hold the little one though, and I am fed up reading about what terrible people mothers-ln-law are. I can promise you I'm not. I'm hearbroken.

Salted

So when you had your first child your DH knew nothing about bringing up children, but you were such an expert OP that everyone has to bow to your methods because your way is the right way. Okay.

Sounds to me like everyone is agreeing with you because if they don't you will confront them because they have the audacity to have an opinion that differs from yours.

Maybe your MIL is difficult, but maybe she doesn't want to come to your home because she feels unwelcome and is afraid of doing the wrong thing and incurring yet another confrontation and telling off from you.

You sound very intense to me, even a bit weird/creepy almost. I think your mil wants it at her house for control, not in a bad way though, following her into the hall, confronting her? Not exactly making her feel welcome! I also think she wants time alone as she would feel more comfortable interacting with the kids without you there, that's normal but especially given your intensity. I'm sorry to say I think you need to chill a bit in your attitude towards her, I'm sure she needs to change too in certain respects, maybe some of those changes might happen if you losen up a little

I think you're coming across unclear because you are just so upset that you can't even see the situation clearly yourself.

Let me see if I have it straight.

MIL -

Wasn't the best mother, has very little to do with her own children.
She is very possessive of her grandchildren, your children. Insisting on treating them almost like dolls, by keeping them on her lap constantly and carrying them around, rather than letting them discover things and have fun
She is very dictatorial about seeing you, it has to be for a large chunk of Sunday, every week.
She refuses to visit you, and the last visit to yours was actually a rarity and she was annoyed that she had to 'share' her grandchildren with your sister and mother.
If she doesn't get her way she will throw temper tantrums until everyone gives in, which has resulted in everyone just doing what she wants anyway.
She deliberately bought your children the presents you were planning on buying them for Christmas and she rushed in and bought it before you could. Then when you bought it anyway she kicked off about it, I'm guessing because she wanted her house to be more appealing to your children so that they would want to visit there more often?

She does sound like she's a lot of hard work, but I think you need to step back and work out how you're going to deal with her, because it sounds as though you're just reacting to her constantly, and either getting angry but bottling it up, or more recently, having it out with her and getting into arguments. Neither are brilliant.

You need to learn to manage the situation. Arrange alternative things for occasional Sundays. Make a point that Sundays are a family day and you will occasionally be spending time together as a family unit doing said other things.

You need to calmly insist that she let your children go when they are trying to leave her lap. If she kicks off, then you need to leave her house. You can't let your children feel guilted into kowtowing to her every demand.

Can't see why your MIL can't have a private conversation with her own son. You sound a bit controlling to me. I agree with people who say just let your son and your DC's get on with having a relationship with your mil and you stay out of it as much as you can. That would be the easiest way.