A Challenging Family Christmas? Make yourself at home here

[Hissy]

While some have the christmas experiences shown in the adverts, others are starting to feel the impending doom of family festivities.

For some the pressure may have already started to build and this is a thread to support anyone who identifies with this sentiment.

This is a thread for you to come and just be, come and talk to us about it, we'll hear you and listen and understand.

Ongoing support for those of us with Problem Families, or family dynamics that make us feel sad/bad/mad is available as ever on the Stately Homes Thread

Meerka - happylandspaceman, little girl and baby boy, iirc. V sad story.
Allium - from 300 miles away I'd let people think what they like! You are not responsible for his happiness,

Thanks ptumbi

It's not people 300 miles away I worry about. It's more my ILs to be honest, who are a nice and well-balanced family. I just think they'd feel I was being callous if they knew I wasn't making an effort to involve my ageing dad in Xmas, and that because of that he'd be alone.

And you can't just come out and tell people how awful one of your family is. It's so brutal and personal, and also quite unbelievable to others if they haven't witnessed it.

But then again I'm probably doing a bit of projecting myself. There are some difficult people in my DH's family too, so maybe they'd understand better than I think. If I got a chance to talk to my MIL or SIL one-on-one, I think I'd be able to explain.

It doesn't help that I'm having a baby next year, which will be my dad's first grandchild. Then I'll not only be leaving him alone at Xmas, I'll be keeping him from his grandchild at Xmas too. urgh.

And you can't just come out and tell people how awful one of your family is. It's so brutal and personal, and also quite unbelievable to others if they haven't witnessed it.

Even if they have witnessed it (or perhaps BECAUSE they have witnessed it) from someone similar they can find it hard to believe. My uncle (DM's brother) has been told a lot of why I'm NC but still chooses to disbelieve it/ignore it and cast me as the wicked one for "cutting her out". Seems to be no understanding of hwat it might take to push me to that. But then, their own mother was a bipolar narc so I suppose there's a lot of FOG there.

But, that still doesn't mean you should have your father at Christmas. At the end of the day it's your life, he made his choices, it's not your responsibility to make it all better for him now. If your ILs are nice decent people they will either understnad or not understnad but respect your judgement.

May I join? I cannot turn my mother away but have said that we can celebrate Christmas in advance together. Christmas I want to be alone with my DC though (she is toxic), so if she won't leave I will go to her house for Christmas! It does not make for great planning though...

How do people answer the innocuous questions from casual acquaintances?

"Looking forward to Christmas?" It's keeping me awake at night. "What are you doing for Christmas day?" My whole family may or may not be coming round, depending on who shows up. "Oh, that'll be nice!" No.

Has anyone got a good line that isn't "fuck off I don't want to talk about it" but isn't actually untruthful?

Irony. "Yes, cannot wait for another Christmas with every single person on best behaviour."

"Yes, lovely". and then change the subject?

Even if they have witnessed it (or perhaps BECAUSE they have witnessed it) from someone similar they can find it hard to believe.

Even if they've witnessed it straight up, to be honest. My brother thinks I should 'chill out' about Dad's behaviour because it's 'funny'. A part of me can't wait until he has his own home and wife, and comes to understand just how 'funny' it is to try and entertain someone who's relentlessly negative, critical, sexist and racist.

spindelina, I go for the straight out lie and change of subject. I've also used 'It's complicated', which often shuts the conversation down.

My husband is home this Christmas so that part will be really happy. Just a shame I am anxiously waiting my narc Mum's nightmare 'request'.

I really need to join!

I hate christmas and I live with my parents, feel so trapped. All Mum does is get stressed about the cooking and snap at everyone, all Dad does is sit around and get drunk.

I don't see why we have to bother with it if none of us really like it.

And then there's my toxic brother who might come. He was physically abusive until I was 17 and he still doesn't speak to me now. My parents are fine with this and think its a mutual thing and minimize/justify by saying "brothers and sisters fighting is normal", ffs!

I feel like just taking a plane far, far away on Xmas eve.....

spindelina Actually, my family aren't exactly The Waltons so Christmas is exceedingly stressful for me.

Worked before the sperm donor went to America, also, years of talking therapy means I'm quite open about how bloody rubbish my family is. It's always nice to know how far I've come when you get a 'really? But you seem so nice.'

financialwizard it's a MNism but true. No, is a complete sentence.

Witches do you have friends or other family you can spend the day with? There's no reason you HAVE to spend the day with your family. If you have transport, make yourself a picnic and go somewhere you'd like to go and eat it. There is the added bonus that there's nobody on the roads so you'll get there quickly.

I made this yesterday, it's for sharing amongst us all.

LookingForSnowflakeGlassesStillTiggaxx

Tigga - that's lovely!

Witches - I'd do exactly that; get on a plane and go far away. Why not? You have nothing to tie you here - your parents will get on ok without you, you get to miss your brother. I would - if I didn't have my dc here. (Didn't stop my selfish sister - she's gone on a 5 week cruise over xmas/new year, leaving her dc to be looked after by my mum. they are teenagers, so not young, but mum can't come to me for xmas because she is more maternal than their own mother, and doesn't want the dc to be alone... )

Thanks for the cake Tigga (it is a cake isn't it? I am not gifted at baking)

My parents are now pretending to be fine about not seeing us on Christmas day. But it was my mum's birthday, for which I had booked a nice restaurant in an attempt to make peace, and they cancelled with a vague excuse 10 minutes before we were meant to be there. I had bought a nice present too, but have now opened half of it and am keeping it for me. Oh, and we still haven't told them we are engaged.

However, I do have an awesome mother in law (who loves Christmas) who bought me Christmas earrings and champagne because 'you're going to be part of our family Christmas now and we know things are hard but we really hope you enjoy it' I may have cried.

Thanks for the "fuck off" alternatives, all. And thanks, Tigga, for the baking.

I reckon "not exactly the Waltons" is about the right balance between oversharing when someone is just making small talk, but still making it clear that all is not rosy. I shall practice!

It's sweet bread dough layered with chocolate orange spread, dark chocolate spread and chocolate orange spread again. I call it:

It's not Terry's it's mine chocolate orange bread.

It's darn simple to make for the impact

Also, it has no calories #fact #imightbelying

I'm actually looking forward to Xmas this year - huzzah! Also, my b'day is Xmas Eve so there are a host of issues surrounding the season for me.

AndYesActuallyMyPicturePostWasAStealthBoastButJustLookAtItTiggaxx

stemware

I got the how to make the star thing from here and I used this for the dough recipe. I looked at the recipe on the first site and decided that I didn't like the look of it, the proportions seem off.

JustCallMeMaryBerryTiggaxx

Thanks everyone.

Yeah, I would like to spend Xmas somewhere else, it's just that I'm kind of expected to be at home for it, I have every other year.

Unfortunately I don't really have other family who'd really want me round, and none of them know the real situation with my brother (they've just been told we have silly arguments or some such nonsense).

My brother has just revealed that he plans to be out of the country next Christmas. I wonder if next year might actually be a really good year to make a break for it.

I had been thinking that if my bro wasn't around we'd have to make some kind of effort to involve Dad, but now I wonder if actually it's best not to. That way there's a clean break and a statement: now the baby is here we'll be doing this for Christmas, so things will be changing.

It occurred to me this morning that my parents have had their way, one way or another, about Christmas since the year dot. And every time I've had to do something I didn't want to do: go and visit them, and put up with them being weird. So now it's time for them to do something they don't want to do, and come and see us on Boxing Day or in the runup to Christmas.

If I set up a system now where I start hosting for Xmas, that'll be the end of nice Xmases. I'll always have one or the other of them foisted on me. So we have to do it now.

tigga, that orange bread looks bloody amazing.

financialwizard, I've spent the last three months fending off a particular nightmare request from my own narc mother. It's taken me five years to get the hang of it. Stonewall, stonewall, and stonewall again. Keep it bland, don't explain and don't engage. It's incredibly hard but if you keep at it with the endurance of an ultra-marathon runner you can put them off.

Thanks, tigga

It's got worse last couple of days, not even getting a fleeting visit from eldest now due to "circumstances" with girlfriends family! Def will have to say something in advance of next year.
I really hope my future daughter in law won't be posting on any rage against the mother in law who expects son to visit on Christmas Day thread.

I am sad for you story.
Your posts above sounded like a model of handling circumstances with your adult children that I hope I can follow when (if) the time comes. I don't have any advice. But it is tempting to say to your son that he will have issues with his family - of origin (he seems to be taking some things for granted) if he doesn't put you on a three year rotation for Christmas starting with you next year. You have been quiet long enough and can easily be justified in saying your patience (and understanding) has worn out.

I'm getting ready for a shitty Christmas.

I've had a shitty christmas every year since I married my husband. His mom is difficult. She isn't catty or confrontational, she just doesn't like me and plays the martyr who is suffering through Christmas's' sake on behalf of sweet baby Jesus.

She is super passive aggressive. She is super unpleasant and she is super self righteous. The idea of seeing her for xmas is really hurting my feelings. The idea of seeing her on New Years too is too upsetting for me to handle.

I wish that we were off to a lovely Christmas, where everyone actually liked each other.

Andthebandplayedon, thank you for your kind comment. My best girlfriend has some mantras which I try to follow.
"Everyone is different" being the main one. She pointed out to me when I was sharing my disappointment with her, that it is hard to accept not everyone is thoughtful about the same things as I am. If that makes sense.
I have to let it go ( could be new mantra, a sung version even) this year or will blow it out of proportion in my mind.
I will do Skype with middle child and grandson, see my youngest son in the morning and eat a lovely dinner cooked by my OH followed by a seafront walk. We will also have visits from OH local children and grandchildren.
Lots to be grateful for compared with some of your very sad posts.

hydepark don't have her, put some ground rules down and if she breaks them off she goes. Or she can stay in a hotel. What does your husband say about her behavior?

OffToLookForSnowflakeGlassesTiggaxx