A Challenging Family Christmas? Make yourself at home here

[Hissy]

While some have the christmas experiences shown in the adverts, others are starting to feel the impending doom of family festivities.

For some the pressure may have already started to build and this is a thread to support anyone who identifies with this sentiment.

This is a thread for you to come and just be, come and talk to us about it, we'll hear you and listen and understand.

Ongoing support for those of us with Problem Families, or family dynamics that make us feel sad/bad/mad is available as ever on the Stately Homes Thread

he did/does WHAT?

horrified!

love, you don't have to justify a thing. tell him he's not welcome in your home andd be done with it.

i'm so sorry, this is so sad for you I know!

Holy crap - he did what??? No, is a complete sentence.

Repeat ad nauseam:

No.

Also, leaving on Boxing Day doesn't work for us. I'm sure you will be able to entertain yourself in your hotel over the festive period.

DearGoddessOnACrackerTiggaxx

Meerka, I did think about saying that last year but chickened out, will be a bit braver this year and say it how you suggested.
I'm so scared of getting it wrong though. I had an extremely over bearing critical demanding MIL and vowed I would step back when my children were independent adults and not make them feel obliged to spend holidays with me.
My sons partner does know how much I love seeing them, but maybe I need to be clearer about Christmas.

I agree could you tell him that he WON'T be staying with you, no matter what, and you have stated before christmas ONLY.

if that doesn't suit, then best he cancel his plans and stay home at his, because this is non-negotiable

Thank you everyone for confirming that I'm not the crazy one here. I used to wonder, but then we had a friend and her DCs over for a week and really enjoyed it, so obviously the problem isn't that we can't stand guests, but that my DF is a nightmare guest. I had to get back to him, but couldn't tell him that he can't stay until Boxing Day. I did, however, send him some links to hotels in the area to remind him that he's not staying with us. Knowing him, he will think that they are too expensive and tell us last minute. Now that I have really decided I will say no no matter what, I'm kind of hoping that will happen so he will have to cancel the whole thing. I feel bad about him having paid for tickets, but he should have checked things first and he does have a DP so won't be alone over Christmas anyway. I really thought things would get better when he met his DP, but it has got worse. Probably because his DP is best friends with her DD, attended her home births, regularly has her GCs over night etc. I'm guessing it made my DF wish he could have the same with me, but the way he acts just makes it more impossible. The thing that makes it so bloody hard is that I know he just means well, but I really can't pretend to be his little helpless girl when I'm not. Even though my childhood was a bit crap, I have every chance of having a happy adulthood, but there's always the stress of my DF turning up. He never ever tells us until tickets are already booked and since he's really crap with money I know he has literally used his last pennies to pay for them, which makes it even more difficult to say no. Right now I'm thinking we should get a studio flat so we can honestly say there is no floor space to put an air bed on.

could in what way is infantalising an adult to fulfill your own agenda 'meaning well'? The relationship his partner has with her children should be a major bloody clue that what he does is NOT ON!
We can't put your boundaries in place for you, you have to come to that yourself. You aren't going to be happy until you do though. His decision how to handle his money, his decision to come, his decision not to tell you, his problem, not yours.

Repeat:

Not my monkey, not my circus!

Eventually, it does get easier, I promise. You shouldn't have to compromise your living because, he is, for example, a boundaryless fuckwit.

AskTheCubIKeepMyPromisesTiggaxx

Could It's hard creating boundaries with someone who a) has none and b) is selfish enough to try to trample all over any you put in place.

I'm curently negotiating Christmas with the PILs. The tradition here (not UK) is a big meal on the evening of the 24th. I'd rather not bother tbh, but it's like Xmas Day for DH and he wants to do it.

So, we've agreed PILs will come here. My PILs are very nice, don't get me wrong. They're in their 80s so, fair enough, don't want to cook. Last year they were living further away and couldn't get to us so we went to them and his mum bought ready prepped stuf (think M&S style), but OMFG it was horrible. Totally inedible. A horrible mixture of stuff and really gross, I really really found it hard to eat. They really liked it MIL wanted to do the same thing but I've put my foot down and told them it's easier for them to walk round the corner to us and we'll cook.
Won't do anything complex (little pre-cooked turkey crown thing from Lidl, some roasties and veg) but at least it will be tasty and kids can just go to bed (it's an evening meal) if tired and will have their toys here.

I feel like I'm being a bit bossy, but need to put my foot down. Have told DH I'll do the food, I'll host the PILs here, I don't mind but we do it my way or not at all.
Then, on Xmas Day (not such a big deal here) I've insisted that we're on our own with no interruptions. Have agreed we can go for coffee and cake with them in the afternoon if DH feels the need but Xmas Day morning and lunch is just us. Have told them we'll be out all day.
The crap, brought-up-by-toxic-parents part of me feels guilty but if I don't (politely) engineer the situation to suit us all me it'll drive me mental. Have had too many shit Christmases lately (thanks, mother) to do anything else and the recent NC means this Christmas will be difficult in its own way anyway.

I'm just checking in. I might not need the support but itrgood to know it's here...

I've lost all of my family (except the children) over the past 2.5 years, for various reasons. My exH will be spending most of Christmas day with the children and me, largely because he's the only family I have!

Not anticipating many problems. But it's hard all the same.

ha ha dawn

not my circus...

Hissy I bloody love the Polish for that phrase

RepeatsItQuiteOftenTiggaxx

Sorry Christmas is going to be so tough for so many of you . Personally I'm not looking forward to spending it with the narc DM, judgemental golden child DB and the you're-so-mean-to-your-mother DstepD. Fab. Can't wait.

Least I get some good grub and wonderful and amazing DC certainly lighten the mood! Oh to just spend it with them in PJs all day! Maybe one day I'll buy some snowflake glasses too...

Here's to all of us having one of 'those' snowflake Christmases one year soon

might see if I can get me some snowflake glasses... just for me and ds... :)

I bloody love the polish too dawntigga :)

we have a polish guy at work... I may have to ask him to teach me how to say it in Polish... :)

Can I join in...I'll be good

The reality this year is me and 18 month old DS on our own.

I did want a family Christmas but my Mum has said no because I didn't want to invite her eldest child. Probably due to the fact he raped me and I don't want him near my son, or me.

But, yeah, I'm mean as you know, it's Christmas

Me and exP split up in March so no partner either.

Shame because I really love Christmas but I can see me crying at least once. Just at the sheer misery of the whole fucking thing.

or for everyone.

Checking in here !

While by no means the dreadful time some here have to face, I have to have my abusive alcoholic father here, (along with my Mum who is fab, but they have been divorced 30 years and he's STILL vile to her) and it gets .. difficult.
Last Xmas he got massively pissed as per usual, nearly set the house alight trying to sneak for a fag (he has emphysema and oxygen!) and in the end my DD1 actually packed him off to bed after he had been spectacularly nasty to me for half the day.
This year I have DD1 and DD2's g'friend and b'friend here for the first time and am going to have to warn them in advance He has always been vile, but I still feel obliged to have him here and god it's stressful...

Happy it won't be miserable, it will be fucking awesome - you know why? You make your own traditions this year, you can do anything you want. You can have baked beans on toast with DS whilst not getting out of your pj's. You can have chocolate for breakfast. You can watch whatever you feel like on tv. You don't have to buy any food or drink you don't want to just because someone else wants it. You don't have to worry about anyone else except DS and he'll love having a happy mummy. You won't be walking on eggshells, nobody in your kitchen will be a spoony fucker. You can have your tree, your way. You don't even have to do decorations if they aren't your thing. If you want to eat all your advent calendar then buy another one you can. It's called freedom. Roll around on your bed (or jump on it) yelling I'm FREE!

I think we should all toast each other with snowflake glasses this year, I shall be looking for some to toast you all with on the day

I'veDoneMostOfWhatISaidToHappyTiggaxx

Aww, thanks tigga that was a lovely post.

Think I might take a leaf out of your book and do just what you have said!

maybe the wrong place to put this but I can't help remember the poster happy (forget the rest of her longer name). She left a highly abusive man and took her two small daughters. Unfortunately the mental damage was too great. She's resting in peace now.

Just wanted to post somewhere that I hope her little girls will cope with their first christmas without their mother.

This might be the thread for me. Ill be along again later when im not so busy.

I'm glad this is here. I was thinking about starting a Relationships thread about my dread of Xmases future, but couldn't handle the number of people who wouldn't understand why I felt the way I did and would do the 'But it's your dad!' thing.

Dad is a narc, misogynist and low-level alcoholic who projects his feelings about my mother (divorced years ago) onto me because I'm a woman. He's sneery with other people, keeps everyone at arm's length, has to be superior and in charge. He has no friendship or support group and no family bar me and my brother.

He has just broken up with his (long-suffering and submissive) partner. Now he will be alone every Christmas unless we visit or I host him. I did this once before and swore never, ever again.

My brother is looking at taking a job abroad.

My dad has bad health, lives 300 miles away and will soon be elderly and in even worse health. At which point I can choose to a) host him and have my festive season shat all over or b) allow my elderly, lonely and impossible father to sit at home alone drinking himself to death over Christmas. Oh, and have 1000 people judge me for the latter. Because 'he's your dad!'

Hurrah!!

Allium, (and may apply to, and help, others, I hope)the thought that came to me while reading your post is that you are not responsible for your father's happiness. Imho, it is hard, I know, but this really has to apply to Christmas as equally as it applies to any other date on the calendar. As Sherlock would say (paraphrased) "Exceptions to the rule disprove the rule."

It is the dysfunctional one's responsibility to plan their own day. It is completely valid to set your own boundaries and not feel guilty for it. Being old and infirm does not change who that person is...they may bank on your good manners to allow them access to you so they can hurt you more/again.

Whether the change is done awkwardly in a blow out, or gracefully over time tapering off /planting seeds that this is the last one-next year we have other plans...doesn't really matter because making the boundary is respecting yourself. And that is probably the greatest gift you can give yourself.

m.dollartree.com/mt/www.dollartree.com/Brand-Name-Snowflake-Wine-Glasses-10-oz-/p344548/index.proSnowflakeglasses

Sorry the link doesn't work. I'll find some snowflake glasses too.

Good, I don't think it is being bossy. It is more along the line of being present and accounted for, imho. Also, it may be thought of as passing the baton to the next generation to do the hosting. I am glad you have a plan.

Thank you, AndTheBand. I know you're right, and wise friends have told me as much.

It's just hard to get my head round. I feel guilty at the thought of leaving him alone, not because he is obligating me but because I know him for what he is and I can see how he got that way. His own history is rather sad, and inside I know he's unhappy and insecure. And at the same time I know I have the right to make my own, happy plans that don't involve letting him taking out his misery on me.

The thought of having the Christmas I want, with the people I want round me, is just so wonderful.

At least I've got a year to sort my head out and put solid plans in place . . .

Thanks, Andthebandplayedon. Was just talking to DH about it now and he thinks I'm taking it all far to seriously "it's only once a year, you're worrying too much". But he has this idea that his parents will come and the children will behave beautifully and it will be like a lovely Xmas ad. And it won't. His parents will irritate him, his mum by fussing and his dad by expecting people to wait on him and possibly coming out with some sreiously un-PC things. The kids will get totally over excited and behave like nutters and probbaly have a tantrum.
I think it's realistic to plan the evening in terms of timings and what the kids could be entertained with while waiting for the meal (as FIL will sit watching shit on the telly, rather than let the kids watch a film for instance). I think with a 3 and 6 yr old who aren't used to being up for a big meal at 8-9 (they usually go to bed at 8) it's reasonable, nay SENSIBLE to think about when things will happen and maybe have some colouring books or puzzles to whip out if necessary. There won't be any presents as this meal is Christmas Eve and PILs give DCs their presents on 6th Jan (Spanish tradition).
DH thinks I'm worrying too much.

Separated last year and didn't send any cards as so miserable ! Now a year on I am struggling with Xmas as it was a time of year I love. I put the xmas tree up alone - I should have waited on DS 12 but I went ahead and it was so sad. All those memories in decorations.
Xmas day will be me and DS, I have invited EXP for xmas dinner as he will be working night shift.
I guess it is not the xmas we all dream about and I feel that I had as a child.
I just need a good kick up the bum!