We were really looking forward to this Christmas since it is our DS's first. Then my DF announced he was coming. We decided to be firm for once and told him he could only come before Christmas and that this time it didn't suit us to have him staying with us. We felt this was a reasonable compromise and felt okay with it at least. Now he has messaged to tell me that he will leave on Boxing Day as tickets were cheaper then (lives at the other end of the country and doesn't drive) and has not had a look at accommodation yet. I know how this will end: he will phone a few days before and tell me he didn't find anywhere cheap to stay, so he will stay with us anyway.
The reason I really can't be okay with that is that he completely lacks boundaries. Last time he visited, when DS was newborn and was crying at night, DF opened our bedroom door, climbed into our bed and tried to pull DS off me while I was trying to BF. Every time DS cried he just took him off us and when we asked him to leave it or give him back he refused as he thought DS would be happier with him. Now, DS is still EBF and doesn't like being held by other people. He seems to be okay with it at first, but all of a sudden he starts screaming and is difficult to calm down, even when handed back to me or DP. Perhaps he is a bit of a high need baby, but I can honestly say that we very rarely find it a struggle and that we are relaxed and confident parents, as long as we get to do what works for us, which we won't get to do if my DF stays with us. We will get stressed about the tiniest noise from DS as we know that my DF will try to take him. I won't be able to go and BF in bed when DS is unhappy (always calms him down) since my DF will come and sit next to me, ready to take him if he doesn't latch on straight away. If I ask for some privacy he will just say that I should be comfortable to BF in front of people and to help me with that, he will stay. If I get angry with him he will accuse me of having PND and insist I accept his help. I might sound very paranoid, but really, this is how he is and every time he has visited it has turned out worse than we feared.
Therefore, I feel I would fail my DS if I let him stay with us and have decided I will say no if (when) he asks, even though he has paid for tickets, he's my DF, it's Christmas etc. I know I don't have a choice as it is my duty to keep my DS fed, happy and safe, but I feel terrible about treating my DF this way. He's my only parent, I'm his only child and he failed me in many ways when I was a child, so things are difficult. I know he feels very guilty about it and I think he comes here and treats me like a child to feel better about himself. I just want to move on and be happy, but I'm too scared to be completely honest with him because I don't know what he will do with himself when he realises that he missed his chance of being a proper parent and that we will never be as close as he wants us to be. I feel so bad about not being able to play along so he can feel better, but if I would, I would fail my new family. I feel so trapped and no matter what I do I always have to feel guilty, and this Christmas has really highlighted that.
Sorry about my long post, but I don't really have anyone in real life to talk to as DP has heard it all hundreds of times and other people just don't understand why I wouldn't want to spend Christmas with my DF.