A Challenging Family Christmas? Make yourself at home here

[Hissy]

While some have the christmas experiences shown in the adverts, others are starting to feel the impending doom of family festivities.

For some the pressure may have already started to build and this is a thread to support anyone who identifies with this sentiment.

This is a thread for you to come and just be, come and talk to us about it, we'll hear you and listen and understand.

Ongoing support for those of us with Problem Families, or family dynamics that make us feel sad/bad/mad is available as ever on the Stately Homes Thread

I agree it IB, do the same Glabella!

go upstairs, lock the door and find something fun to do with your fiance....

Thanks for starting this Hissy. I love the build up to Christmas, the songs, the films, the decorations because I imagine I'll have that perfect day, but I wont. It's disappointing, as juvenile as that sounds.

It's not about presents, and I know my issues nowhere near some of yours. It just makes me sad.

I used to feel that way about NYE.

christmas is a lot of work for only the 2 of us, but it's time off, it's seeing ds enjoy himself and maybe one day it'll be even better. I live in hope. :)

yup, there's hope entering your life!

Thanks. :-) We're not going to my parents this Christmas thankfully, we're seeing them the weekend after, but there is NO WAY i am cooking a roast again. Apart from anything else, I'm not physically up to it right now.

They are still causing massive drama about not going to them for Christmas day. Apparently, because I told them we had decided to go to DF's family without giving them a chance to guilt trip me out of it they are 'devastated' and I have behaved really disrespectfully, and should have told them in a different way. My mum has just called me AGAIN to tell me how upset she is. Oh and she's disappointed in me because I am choosing to not see my daughter on Christmas day (it is her dad's turn, her DAD, not like I am abandoning her with strangers, and I will see her on Christmas eve and Boxing day). So I'm basically a disappointment all round.

I am so tempted to not see them at all now, but then they'll never forgive me for keeping their grandchild from them. Gah!

I am so tempted to not see them at all now, but then they'll never forgive me for keeping their grandchild from them. Gah!

as was said on the Stately Homes thread earlier today - if they throw a tantrum and stop speaking to you..... win/win!

Seriously, you have WAY MORE power than you think you do. USE IT!

I too am struggling a bit what with time of year, DF having not replied to my text (2 weeks now). Yesterday I thought about the relationship between my son and me and realised how wonderful it was and is to have someone that does respect me, love me for who I am and look up to me. What a blessing that is, how super it is when you realise that you have it for the first time in your life.

I had an incident this morning where I saw the sharp contrast between how my dad would have dealt with something with me and how I am going to be dealing with it with my son. More details on SH thread, but just wanted to pass on that even though I set this thread up for others that are not as far along the Family Issues road as I am, it's important perhaps that you realise that this stuff IS hard and it takes time to work through.

We all struggle sometimes, it's OK to say so and to talk about it.

My Christmases are always challenging.

For years I had toxic MIL, FIL with Alzheimer's, two SILS with profound mental and physical disabilities, my own two young DSES and a useless DH.

Then usually 22 of my own family on Boxing Day.

Now in laws are dead, have split up with DH, so my DSES are at their dad's for most of Xmas day.

Have a lovely DP, but am dreading it.

One Christmas we lost my dad then a few years later OH finally coughed up the fact that he had another woman.

I kept going into the bedroom and having a cry so I didn't upset the kids Christmas who were only 23, 25 and 27 at the time lol

So, have had some lovely Christmases over the last ten years and reading some sad stories on here I should kick my sorry ass into gear and get cracking

But...I enjoy the day I really do I just wish it didn't drag on ...and on...and on

Yawn!

Those of you dreading it, I do send you love and peace, a better 2015 and abetter Xmas 2015

I'm dreading Christmas. I'm feeling really fragile at the moment. Both of my siblings have had their toxic marriages break down within the last couple of months. I really just want to bury myself under the duvet and wake up in January. I can't bear the thought of all the emotional upset and loud arguments that will ensue on Christmas Eve. I am desperate to escape but know that the family won't ever forgive me if I chose to retreat elsewhere.

if the marriages are over, surely that's a chance for them to better their situations?

if it's going to be hard, then arrange to be there for a lesser amount of time.

you can put in appearances, and retreat to your home, this is your christmas too!

It might be better for them in terms of ending their relationships but they are coming over to mine for Christmas Day and Boxing Day. There are children involved. I know they are both going to be so sad and it's going to be upsetting for everyone involved.

Ive always disliked the false happiness of Christmas since my divorce. Kids and their partners with me one day, and the next with him. No parents alive, toxic brother. God it goes on... Im going to work this year on CD and please myself!

We"re going to DHs fsmiky for Christmas. I am really looking forward to the day itself as i have a great relationship with my MIL who has told me to 'bring a book and some wine and expect lots of free time from the baby' :D

However i am telling my mother of our plans next weekend and i can only imagine the sh*storm that will follow. It doesn't matter that we'll be seeing her on christmas eve, it will still be the end of the world that she wont see her granddaughter on christmas day. At no point will she accept or even acknowledged that it is her behaviour that has led to this decision. (Calling both myself and my MIL drunk and ranting about my husband was the highlight of this month) Definately not changing my mind but am dreading the series of guilt trip.phone calls from every relative she hasnt managed to alienate over the next few weeks.

Bah.

jb I think you can be quite firm with them to keep it together in front of the kids.

tell them at the outset that they are at yours, and you are sharing christmas with them, so it's a chance for everyone to forget about the world outside and just have a christmas away from people that make us sad, andd that next year is a chance for a better year than this last one just gone.

I take it that these people coming aren't the toxic bits of the marriages? I thinlk if you lead the way in being there for them, keeping things light for the most part, it may go better than you expect.

this thread'll be here for the duration, so if you need support/advice... pop back! :)

*karigan ahh... beware the flying monkeys eh?

just find a phrase and repeat it.

something like:

'I suspect you know my dm version.. the truth is another matter entirely'

and

'no-one makes a decision like this lightly, so try and imagine what it took before piling in and putting pressure on me'

or

"it's only christmas day fgs, dp family has a right to expect to spend time with us too"

any of these kinds of things backed up with 'i'm not going to discuss this with you' and/or "i'm an adult, I've made my decision, kindly respect that"

Thanks Hissy. I'll think i'll choose a phrase and stick with it. :)

Wow, I came on to whinge but feel utterly humbled by so many people now.
Leaking - your posts are heart breaking. I hope you can find something to smile about this christmas.
[hugs] everyone.

Will have the kids on my own on the 25th then they're going off with their dad for a few days to his dad's; can't decide what to do either then or on New Year's Eve, when kids are celebrating with their friends. Used to spend NYE with a friend and her husband, but it turned out they are my (stbx) cheating husband's friends and not mine. Don't have any other friends good enough to visit at that time of year, my own family is a flight away. I'm normally OK doing stuff on my own but it might be a bit much at that time.

I could get a flight over to the Uk alone on the 26th - have been invited. Would be my first Christmas visit for 15 years. But would have no privacy, have to put on a happy face all the time, am not close with family any more, and it would be like Bridget Jones with me the only failed-looking single person in sight, going back to my mother's as I have no life . Please write more stories about horrible family members you will be stuck with, to remind me that being alone is better sometimes.

I do feel like a whinger too; others are a lot worse off. Hope you get some real-life comfort from somewhere.

Whinge away! by all means, it's all relative... in more ways than one.

This will be our first Christmas since my parents separated. They're amicable, which is good, but quite hard work.

We will be hosting, but not sure how the logistics are going to work. We have no spare beds, so I may end up spending much of the day in a car ferrying people around.

DB doesn't speak to DM, so that can be awkward. DH is a bit pissed off with DB for serially letting him down.

FIL is just a bit bemused, I think!

I have been desperate to write this Down for a few days.

I lost my little girl on Dec 30th 95 I've typed the date because when I try and workout if it's 19 or 20 years my brain shuts down I can't do the math. From Sept onwards I start to get antsy, forgetful clumsy and tearful at odd times.

I know that unconsciously I'm starting to count down the days, I dread the journey to the graveside, leaving a small wreath seems worthless and leaves me hollow. I hate xmas with a passion and every year I hope it will get easier and cry less, but it doesn't if anything it's harder, and some people think that after all this time it should be easier for me its not.

I have realised that the reason I spend so much money on my son and family at this time, is to make up for the ache inside of me, and that at 16 my son is still a novelty because he is a boy and alive.
You want to hear the kicker I'm a counsellor so I know all the reasons why blah blah, but at least I will have at least 8 months of the year where I function normally

For you all

I hope that you can talk about it with people, Guiltypleasure.
I don't think anyone can say you should feel any way or not. You feel how you do.
Reading these truly sad stories, what springs out at me is the depth of the love people have.

Well, DF (who walked out on DM) has invited himself to stay at DMs house for three nights over Christmas (he can't get home easily with no buses running).

I need to speak to DM to check that a) she is actually happy with this situation and that b) she isn't getting her hopes up. Joy.