I dont want to spend my maternity leave with MIL!! HELP!

[Hasle157]

It all started when I was pregnant... my MILs nursery was ready before ours was having never had a conversation about her looking after the baby when she was born. Then she offered to pay for a wedding for my partner and I before she came along as she would have 'preferred us to get married first.' Its the 21st century, I declined!

when the baby was born she held back interferring for the first few weeks and was actually really helpful, then my partner went back to work and it all began...

The coming over to the house to help with the baby while I slept and taking her to her own house! The two hour visits which turned into 6, the 'advice' on how to get my house cleaner, the reminders about the deposit she gave my partner for the house, the opinions on why we cant replace the old fashioned furniture she gave him when he bought the house, the decorating advice, the 4hour shopping trips when I want to get home because the baby has a temperature and her telling me 'she's fine', the requests to look after her for the day and to take her round to their house....

My partner asked her to give me some space a few weeks ago and it was bliss. Last week it started again... the phone calls, messages, then turning up unannounced when I dont respond, the requests to take my baby to meet HER friends. So I took control at the weekend and gave her a 2 hour slot every week when she could visit. This has snowballed into a whole day out on her terms not mine... Im not strong enough to deal with her and my 'taking control' is a joke.

Ive had a complete meltdown and messaged her this morning (cowards way out) saying that I dont want her messaging and calling me in the week because we have other friends and family to see but that I'd let her know if/when we're available. We see her every weekend for atleast a few hours. Why isnt this enough? I just want to enjoy my maternity leave without being exhausted and over-powered by my MIL figure. I dont enjoy her company, she just meddles in my business and tells me about everyone elses for hours on end. Im too much of a wuss to take control with her.
I just rant at my partner about her and he sits there quietly, looking sad. He cant stand being around her himself though!
What shall I do? I'm getting all worked up and panicky at the thought of her being around so much and at the thought of what my partner is going to say when he discovers Ive sent her a very blunt message! Isnt weekend visits enough?

Nana - I could not disagree with you more on grandparent's rights.

If a person has a good relationship with a parent they will naturally arrange time with them. Both sets of grandparents see my DDs about once a week, we're fortunate that we all get along for the most part. However, if you do not have a good relationship with your parents this is often symptomatic of there being something seriously wrong - people rarely cut off their parents without good reason. In that situation, a parent has every right to protect their children from whatever it is they're protecting themselves from.

For grandparents to claim that their needs regarding DC are more important than the parents' needs is just plain wrong. I for one would hate to see someone who has been subjected to abuse (for example) be forced to defend their right to NC in court because the legal system recognises "grandparents' rights".

I'm not sure why I go on these MIL sites, because it's always so predictable - I'm sure the DIL knows she will get masses of support from other DILs and sure enough she does - never fails and there are certain posters who always pop up - I often wonder if these posters are also the ones having problems with MILs.

Nana, much as I like you as a poster (I always salute your indefatigability on the cough-hemming-cough threads) I don't think that is really a good or fair thing to post. Take the thread on its own merits, respond to the OP who wants advice. Don't disparage it on the basis it is part of a MIL-bashing trend. Even if there is such a trend, this OP only wants assistance with her situation.

The OP has described a mother-in-law who would not observe normal considerate boundaries between relatives. That's why she restricted time with her MIL.

Hmm - I should keep off these threads and will endeavour to do so. OP I couldn't agree more that grandparents don't have any rights to their grandchild. It's children that have the rights to grandparents. Maybe I should have read all the posts - I didn't realise she'd taken the baby without you knowing, as that seems to be the case.

Mind if you do split up with your DH do bear in mind that he will have equal rights to your child (unless a court orders otherwise) and then you won't be able to control how much your MIL looks after her grandchild.

I know some MILs sound awful but I rarely see anything about awful mothers or fathers, sisters, brothers, nieces, nephews, cousins, it's almost always MILs or PILs - so that has to mean something. I know it's an issue as old as the hills - this ongoing fight between MILs and DILs and it's so sad.

I know some awful DILs who treat their MILs horrendously but keep quite because they love their sons and don't want to put him in the middle of a difficult situation.

Sorry OP I didn't mean to upset you or anyone else. Will stay off these MIL sites MR (sorry what are the coughing-hemming-cough threads?) But this is a MIL bashing thread isn't it - they always are and we never hear the MIL's side of the story which could be very different.

Those threads on awful parents especially but sometimes awful siblings are there nana. A lot of them. Read the stately homes thread. On top of that there's a thread on feeling bitter about father, another on is my father a narc, another about a sister, and the entire thread about challenging christmas.

Agreed that some DILs can be -just- as bad. You do get a few MILs posting here now and then and if their posts are reasonable, people support them and offer suggestions. Tehre's more DILs posting but the MIL threads are there.

We do only hear one side of the story and that's difficult becuase I'm sure that some posters give a highly .. coloured ... version of events. The conclusion I reached was that on balance we can only go on what is posted and reported. We don't know the other side and so can only go on what we know.

Either way if a poster mentions certain incidents they can be very revealing - as in taking a newborn baby out of the house so the mother wakes up to find the baby just ... gone. There have been other equally revealing incidents on other threads. Assuming that these actual events are accurately reported you can tell quite a lot from them.

Not to be rude though but I do think you need to read these threads closely. Missing the detail about taking the baby meant that your post with its not-so-subtle rebuke to the OP was very mistaken.

OP, I had a very similar situation to you when newly weds and new baby. We had bought the house from our inlaws (I know!,) and they were forever popping in, moving things, checking the contents of the fridge (I kid you not). Perhaps the best was her coming round and totally reorganising my kitchen cupboards while I was in hospital having ds .

It was a pain. I was resentful. Especially if our finances were treated like public information. Ds was expected to be paraded around their friends and so on and on.

It got better. They lost the initial thrill and moved on eventually. I tried to be assertive but not rude and it's hard. Your mil is family now. It's truly best to stay civil. My mil knew better ways of breathing to me , I learned to say the right things and do my own thing.

Sorry this is muddled, but if you can, rise above it. You are Mum and therefore the Boss. If you are unavailable then so be it. Of course let her do lovely granny doing and helping but set your own boundaries and stick to them.xx

I take your point Meerka - I should read all the thread or not comment and apologies OP.

That's a nice post Matilda and glad you managed to find a way forward.

Nana it's not fair to come onto a thread and give your comments when you haven't read all the details from the OP. She is posting for advice on how to handle the situation. Not your views on how unreasonable DILs are. Fair enough you've apologised. But the OP has mentioned thinking about separating, this is big stuff for this person and flippant views are just not helpful.

I'm betting you haven't come across a person like the OPs MIL. Because if you had you would be able to believe her and not belittle her experiences.

OP I think it could help if you and your OH talk to someone about this, they could help you both understand what's going on, and relate to each other better.

OP I think you need to be very careful and consider your future with your DP. I agree that your MIL is out of order but and its a very important but your DP her son doesn't think she is being unreasonable. He is happy with her buying things for him and changing appointments for him - he has told you this. Sadly you are coming between mummy and her little boy, its not right but its true :(

Thanks all and for the good advice Matilda. I'm going to take it on board moving forward. Sounds like our MILs are very similar, MIL rearranged our kitchen work top shortly after DD was born. I don't think she'd appreciate it if I rearranged hers...
I think there are a lot of angry DIL MIL bashing posts on here, but can you imagine a DIL imposing herself on MILs time? Turning up unannounced? Announcing time with something or someone that belonged to them without discussing it first? Or giving their opinion on every decision they make? They'd be downright furious!
The issue is the lack of respect for younger women, older women thinking they know best and feeling they have the right to dominate lives that they don't just because you're now a part of their son's life.
Imagine. Just imagine what a MIL would say if a DIL treated her that way.
I'm a fully grown woman with my own family to take care of and I deserve to be treated with respect. So do all the other 'MIL bashing' DILs on here.
I have to listen to my MIL witter on and on for hours at a time, only to be cut off and ignored when I speak... this is RUDE. Would she stand for it? No she wouldn't.

I know some MILs sound awful but I rarely see anything about awful mothers or fathers, sisters, brothers, nieces, nephews, cousins, it's almost always MILs or PILs - so that has to mean something.

it means you're not reading mucjh nananina, like you only skimmed this thread befopre wading in, woefully illinformed and misplaced.

My ds has the right to positive relationships with everyone on god's earth. these relationships should be with people that care for him, protect him/cherish him and keep him from harm.

sadly, not one member of my immediate family falls within any of those stipulations.

My DM has hurt my ds, for her own gain.
her vile DH has shoved him about, sworn at him and both of them have consipired to keep me in a poorer situation than was reasonable to do so. My DF couldn't give a shit about anyone except his O/DW and HER gc. he's ignored several invitations of mine, and now I cba to chase him. my dsis... jury's out on her. she's been utterly cruel and vile to me, and tbh, i'm not going to get much out of a relationship with any of them.

please understand that there are some truly bloody awful people out there, and some of them have children, and grandchildren.

for those of us inflicted with these people, it's incredible at times, even for us, but it is what it is.

our role as good parents is to keep our children safe from those who use them for their own purposes.

the mil in this case is not nice. we are adults, able to make up our own minds about how we feel. to poo poo this is to be no better than the ILs riding roughshod over us and our families.

nina has seen some terrible situations - she's a retired social worker - and some terrible people. I think maybe she just didn't read the thread that well ... and she has taken the point.

all round

Look I have apologised for not reading all the thread and posting last night. I don't think I "poo pooed" anything and if I did it was unintentional. I'm not sure what more I can do other than to Apologise again to the OP and to anyone else who has been offended.

Yes Meerka I have seen probably the very worst kind of human behaviour throughout my long social work career. I've also seen people who have managed to do better for their children than their parents did for them, but sadly these are in the minority.

Over and out..........

don't you 'look' me love.

I did read the thread. you couldn't be bothered. bravo.

trampling in here, half the story, a bucketfull of baseless judgement, waving a flag for a scenario that's totally far removed from all reality as far as this thread goes.

your minority comment is another example of this arrogance. you don't see the success stories because they don't need SS involvement..

I despair sometimes, I really do.