I dont want to spend my maternity leave with MIL!! HELP!

[Hasle157]

It all started when I was pregnant... my MILs nursery was ready before ours was having never had a conversation about her looking after the baby when she was born. Then she offered to pay for a wedding for my partner and I before she came along as she would have 'preferred us to get married first.' Its the 21st century, I declined!

when the baby was born she held back interferring for the first few weeks and was actually really helpful, then my partner went back to work and it all began...

The coming over to the house to help with the baby while I slept and taking her to her own house! The two hour visits which turned into 6, the 'advice' on how to get my house cleaner, the reminders about the deposit she gave my partner for the house, the opinions on why we cant replace the old fashioned furniture she gave him when he bought the house, the decorating advice, the 4hour shopping trips when I want to get home because the baby has a temperature and her telling me 'she's fine', the requests to look after her for the day and to take her round to their house....

My partner asked her to give me some space a few weeks ago and it was bliss. Last week it started again... the phone calls, messages, then turning up unannounced when I dont respond, the requests to take my baby to meet HER friends. So I took control at the weekend and gave her a 2 hour slot every week when she could visit. This has snowballed into a whole day out on her terms not mine... Im not strong enough to deal with her and my 'taking control' is a joke.

Ive had a complete meltdown and messaged her this morning (cowards way out) saying that I dont want her messaging and calling me in the week because we have other friends and family to see but that I'd let her know if/when we're available. We see her every weekend for atleast a few hours. Why isnt this enough? I just want to enjoy my maternity leave without being exhausted and over-powered by my MIL figure. I dont enjoy her company, she just meddles in my business and tells me about everyone elses for hours on end. Im too much of a wuss to take control with her.
I just rant at my partner about her and he sits there quietly, looking sad. He cant stand being around her himself though!
What shall I do? I'm getting all worked up and panicky at the thought of her being around so much and at the thought of what my partner is going to say when he discovers Ive sent her a very blunt message! Isnt weekend visits enough?

Sympathies - had similar issues with my MIL since me and DH got together - first time I met her was at a family gathering where she swanned over like royalty and said 'when you would like to speak with me, I shall be sat over there', gesturing to a table. Proper matriarch with zero boundaries or adherence to normal social conventions; frequently held her hand up to stop me speaking and often pretended to forget my name when introducing me to other relatives. Hilarious.

As others have said, the issues with her behaviour were compounded by DH's refusal/inability to stand up to her and my own lack of boundaries, not being used to someone acting in this way. The whole situation made me quite ill, stressed and paranoid.

Anyhow, it's been about 5 years since we went NC (she does still turn up unannounced occasionally but I ignore and we get the odd PA card, voicemail etc). In that time she has missed out on our wedding and birth of 2 DCs. That is sad but even now I'm still not ready to be face to face with her, just the thought of it makes me anxious.

Unfortunately, we found that various of DH's siblings took on the role of defender/advocate/henchman for MIL and as obviously she declared everything my fault, I am also out of favour with most of the family, too. I couldn't care less but that is v hard for DH.

Be strong!

Twomoreminutes- she sounds bloody awful and intimidating! Perhaps when some women get to a certain age they deem themselves more important than they really are? My MIL is friendly but values her opinions above any and talks at me for hours but switches off when I speak. She's rude, but actually doesnt mean to be, she just has zero self control and she's very much a narcissist.
How has your relationship with DH been? Mine is becoming strained with it all, my partner gets all the moaning from me and seems to feel sorry for his mother. I think it's difficult for men to understand just how insulting it is to have your methods of mothering questioned by another woman. Or maybe some of them just cant be bothered to imagine...

Yes Hasle it isn't fair. It's shit. But you've had some good guidance on how to protect yourself and deal with her. So hopefully you will feel less alone now, and supported.

A tip from my DH- as he's good managing my mother- don't lose your cool. Always keep the upper hand.

Avoidance is good short term tactic if you don't feel up to standing up to her. Good advice to go to lots of baby classes, they can be quite fun and you have cast iron legit excuses for not being around.

Look up ALL the local toddler groups and sign up for a couple of activities a week. Now Mondays will be active tots, followed by lunch, nap and meeting a friend. Tuesdays will be church group followed by children's centre etc etc - it doesn't matter if you actually go to them but your calendar is full.

It always makes me wonder why people say but if we don't follow his/her plans, they tantrum and won't speak to us. Surely that's a win win situation. Let them sulk, let them tantrum and don't give I , the same way you would treat a toddler!!

That's exactly what I'm going to do... today! I'll have a look at the groups today, we already do 2 but I will cram in some pretend ones too! When I told MIL we had joined 2 groups she said "I'm jealous that woman gets to see her more than I do!" She sees her for a few hours every weekend however.
Then she said "maybe we can start meeting up before your baby groups" clearly trying to muscle her way into coming! Ive told her she cant and given her a reason why so she shouldnt try that one again atleast! Will keep you all updated on how ir's going!

Keep us updated, OP.

Move house.

Seriously.

Further from them. Insist on it. No wedding, no more babies, nothing - until you are in a new home, which is nothing to do with them, and to which they do not have a key.

Tell your DP now - this will be the thing that breaks you up. If he wants that to happen, just carry on pretending it's not a problem.

Take your cue from the rest of the family. They avoid her, tune her out and put the phone down on her. There is no reason why you can't do the same. If politeness is wasted on her, then however sad that is, don't bother with it. By all means spend time with FIL if he is easier-makes it harder to accuse you of trying to exclude the in-laws.

And I know you have to pick your battles, but do be wary of letting it be set in stone that you visit PIL every weekend. It might be a good idea to go away for a weekend soon, just to stop that expectation becoming entrenched.

Update: So I spoke to my SIL very honestly about MIL and she was so understanding. Even shared her own issues and partly put her mother's interfering down to her break-up with her ex as she got involved with their finances.
She told me 'well done for texting her and telling her not to contact you.'
It just makes me feel so much lighter to know that she has felt the same way about her mum and empathises. She also said that MIL does not understand No. Never has. Never will. She fully supports me backing off. It's so lovely to feel that there are other members of DP's family that I can get along with and enjoy the company of :)
I feel quite lucky :) Every cloud...

oh that is such fabulous news! i'm so pleased you have an ally here!

Fantastic! Opening up to people can be really helpful sometimes. Sounds like you have an allie. Plus she won't believe any nonsense said about you when mil is having a strop.

Stick to putting you and dd first. Mil has had her babies, it's your turn now. Once a week visiting at a maximum. Hope DH is listening to you and backing you up.

(Sorry ally not allie, brain was melting trying to figure out the singular of allied)

I'm livid. We made an appointment to see a mortgage advisor to get my name on the mortgage. Then today DP got a text on his phone to confirm the change of appointment to an earlier date. We couldn't understand why and made plans to call the bank when we got home.
we got home to a phone call from MIL. She just happened to walk past the building society today and thought she might go in to see if they could fit us in for an earlier appointment without consulting us first! She's gone and changed our appointment to an earlier one to 'help us out!' Yes an earlier appointment would be useful but what the hell?!!
I'm so angry.
She's meddling in our finances just as she did with SIL! I have an appointment the day she's arranged it to and she just assumes we're free!
Ive just told DP that this stops or we move. I cant stand her meddling much longer! DP says that the earlier appointment is a better one, but it's beyond the point! I'm sick og him having to have words with her for meddling... it doesn't work! :(

She sounds horrendous! How did she know you had an appointment at the building society? Stop sharing details of your life with her and tell your DP to do the same.

I have a friend who is in a similar predicament. The issue is that your DP has been subjected to this all his life so he thinks it's normal. You need to keep reaffirming that it isn't normal and, more to the point, you're not putting up with it any longer.

What is your position in the event that she never changes and he never backs you up? Where do you see this going? Maybe your DP needs to be made aware of what is at stake.

Yikes. No boundaries on what's acceptable, clearly.
I hope your OH can see that this is not normal. Or is he so brainwashed by her that he just agrees to whatever she wants?

Hang on...why is the bullding society changing an appointment just because a relative walks in off the street and asks them to? Surely this is private fucking business?

With this, I'd demand that he tells her to fucking change it back and to butt out.

I agree with Funky.

1. Why does she know about the appointment? That's the first mistake.
2. Why on earth did the building society think that was appropriate to allow a random to change your appointment??
3. Call her and tell her it's completely out of line and none of her business. That if she had ASKED, you already had an appointment that day but she wouldn't know because, again, it's YOUR business. You've had to rearrange things now and she's to back off and stop interfering. HELPING would be asking first, not assuming.

DP has had an argument with her during the evening. He told her she had no right and is making her ring and cancel the rearranged appointment slot tomorrow. She's had a go back at him and said 'I don't like your tone!' Aaarrrgh!
DP told her we'd made an appointment after she asked about our upcoming mortgage renewal, hoping this would be an end to the questions. Obviously she saw it as an opportunity! What angers me is that I made the appointment and liaised with the bank, starting to feel more in control and more secure especially with the PND then MIL just shoots right in there and takes over!
We've had a chat about keeping her out of ALL our business from now on. We will also be speaking to the building society when we see them about allowing her to change our appointment.
I'm dreading spending baby's 1st christmas with her!

so don't!

this is your live, and you don't have to spend it anywhere you don't want to.

Dont spend baby's first christmas with her. Spend it at home.

This is an opportunity now to draw a line in the sand and tell her to back off as she has overstepped the boundaries time and again.

Personally, id use it as an opportunity to invite them round, explain the situation, and the potential result which might be to go no contact, lay down the terms of the future and get the key back.

Oh and once the mortgage is sorted major complaint to the building soc about letting her change your appointment.

There is no law to suggest that you have to spend Christmas with toxic relatives like your MIL. Create your own family traditions instead.

She should never have been aware that you were going to the lender in the first place; a boundary your DH can now do is stop telling her all your business. That's your DHs doing and he likely told her because he has been conditioned to do so by his overbearing mother.

It goes without saying that you also need to further raise your still too low boundaries (in that you mention dreading baby's first Christmas with her).

People like your (narcissistic) MIL have no filter and no boundaries. Meeting someone like this further (and particularly in your home) is no point because she will take your reasoned arguments and throw it all right back at you saying that she feels got at, looks at your DH with doe eyes or perform some other nonsense. Alternatively you could cop the full force of her rage.

I also wonder how she has apparently managed to change your original appointment time; this is highly irregular behaviour on the part of the lender if they actually did this. I would check with the lender and see what appointment time you actually have.

I agree with the PP. Call the bank/building society and check what time the appointment is. Also, put some boundaries in place especially at Christmas; as she strikes me, that once you do something once, there will be an expectation to do it every year.