I dont want to spend my maternity leave with MIL!! HELP!

[Hasle157]

It all started when I was pregnant... my MILs nursery was ready before ours was having never had a conversation about her looking after the baby when she was born. Then she offered to pay for a wedding for my partner and I before she came along as she would have 'preferred us to get married first.' Its the 21st century, I declined!

when the baby was born she held back interferring for the first few weeks and was actually really helpful, then my partner went back to work and it all began...

The coming over to the house to help with the baby while I slept and taking her to her own house! The two hour visits which turned into 6, the 'advice' on how to get my house cleaner, the reminders about the deposit she gave my partner for the house, the opinions on why we cant replace the old fashioned furniture she gave him when he bought the house, the decorating advice, the 4hour shopping trips when I want to get home because the baby has a temperature and her telling me 'she's fine', the requests to look after her for the day and to take her round to their house....

My partner asked her to give me some space a few weeks ago and it was bliss. Last week it started again... the phone calls, messages, then turning up unannounced when I dont respond, the requests to take my baby to meet HER friends. So I took control at the weekend and gave her a 2 hour slot every week when she could visit. This has snowballed into a whole day out on her terms not mine... Im not strong enough to deal with her and my 'taking control' is a joke.

Ive had a complete meltdown and messaged her this morning (cowards way out) saying that I dont want her messaging and calling me in the week because we have other friends and family to see but that I'd let her know if/when we're available. We see her every weekend for atleast a few hours. Why isnt this enough? I just want to enjoy my maternity leave without being exhausted and over-powered by my MIL figure. I dont enjoy her company, she just meddles in my business and tells me about everyone elses for hours on end. Im too much of a wuss to take control with her.
I just rant at my partner about her and he sits there quietly, looking sad. He cant stand being around her himself though!
What shall I do? I'm getting all worked up and panicky at the thought of her being around so much and at the thought of what my partner is going to say when he discovers Ive sent her a very blunt message! Isnt weekend visits enough?

To be honest unless your partner is going to be 100% on your side there isn't much you can do, I had a horrible time with my pils but my dh stood by me because he knows I would walk you speak to me nicely and we will get on fine but ring my dh up constantly shouting and screaming and I will put my foot down I'm due the next ds in five weeks and I am making it clear to him that visits are arranged only when he is in and only for a short time u really need to put your foot down but be prepared for it to go either way I was ready to walk away and I would if he would not support me.

Please get your name on those deeds (mortgage renewal? What does that have to do with it, anyway, in all honesty). Please. You are in an incredibly vulnerable position when unmarried with a child if the house is in his sole name. There is no such thing as common law marriage. All you'd be entitled to if you split is child support. No share of the house, no right to continue living there to house your child, no spousal maintenance for even the short term. Nothing but basic child support. Marriage is not just a piece of paper.

Your counsellor is appalling - ditch them. Get one who understands family dynamics a bit better.

Listen to atilla.
Talk to your dp. Person to person and tell him how she is crowding you and taking over your time. Why are her needs more important than yours? They aren't.

Your mil is trying to play mummy all over again. She will continue to try to walk all over you unless you firmly put boundaries in place.

I'm guessing your family is nothing like this (toxic) setup. So you have a lot to learn, and fast.

She will not change.
You need to change how you deal with her.
Your oh may not be able to change how he has been conditioned to behave. He may not back you up. His mother is probably just too scary, and he knows all her tactics.
Change your therapist. They are clearly not listening to you. They are a crap therapist if they are telling you what to do.
Your baby is your priority. You need to put her first, by looking after yourself.
Get your key back/ chain on the door.
Get your name on the mortgage.
Read that book. I haven't but I've heard it's very good. If your therapist is shit then you need a third party to help you understand this type of set up & how to deal with it.

I'm wondering if your mil was taken out of the equation if your PND would improve radically. That's speculation, but possible.

By the way I'm coming from the position of my mother not mil bring toxic. So it's been really tough. But possible. She ruined my wedding. You don't have to let that happen to you. Mumsnet- no is a complete sentence. Use it!
Plus you can plan the whole thing without involving her and present a done deal.
Or get married without telling her. She will freak, but really what can she do?

I really feel for you.
If your oh can't / won't help you make the boundaries, can anyone else? Have you asked sil how she did it? Your mum could step in? Accept help it may be easier to handle.

Wow! Massive well done for standing upto her! That deserves and alone.

Listen to Atilla. She knows what she's talking about, she helped me more than she'll ever know with my my toxic MIL.

We also had the 'Oh, she's just bought/gave DD X amount of money, we can't say anything now!'

You need to have a long chat with your DH. Open upto him and let him know how you feel. You need to get him on your sidend and make him really see how she's effecting you.

I had an idea. It's a bit full on, but it would get you the results you need just now ie mil backing off.

Announce the wedding.
When she starts to stick her oar in (which I'm guessing will be immediate and controlling) say no thanks, we've got it all planned we don't need any help.

She will try and steamroller you and oh. Keep saying no, no thanks, got it all planned. All you need to do it turn up. Oh has to be onboard though.

Because I'm guessing she will throw the most almighty strop and cut you out for a while.

Result you get mil free time with your baby.
Might be a daft idea!

And the childcare when you go back to work- do you want her to do 1 day a week? If not then just book a childminder/ nursery for all the days you need. It will NOT be free childcare, it will come with a lot of emotional blackmail and strings attached. And she will not consult you on what they do, her values are not yours.
Do you want your baby to be as controlled and manipulated as the rest of her family? I don't think you do, so you don't have to take her up on the 1 day offer.

Mommybird- I can empathise with the gifts of money. Just last week, she bought us a brand new washing machine after I'd said ours was playing up. I constantly feel like I owe her! But my OH constantly accepts her gifts with a smile on his face. I'm embarrassed because my family are poor and cant afford lavish gifts.
Justgotosleepnow- your idea made me chuckle! My OH would never be on board though... I'm the bad guy who puts his mother down all the time. We're really on the rocks because of what's going on. Ive threatened to go and stay with my own mother for a few days because I need space from all of them.
ive ranted on about this so much now that he switches off so no chance of talking either. I'm fed up of him letting his friends and family take the p*. Before all this I was having to deal with arsehole behaviour from his female friends. Life was so much easier when I was on my own.

He sounds like he's more trouble than he's worth tbh.

How about you get your name on the deeds then go for the easier life on your own? Cynical, admittedly, but this situation isn't going to get any better and looks like it will get a whole lot WORSE. They're all of a piece, those two, by the sound of it.

Sorry, lovely. I'm not surprised to hear you're struggling with PND

Lots of good advice here on handling the relationship.

On a practical level, I would sign yourself up for every baby group you can find next week. Seriously. Be out of hte house a lot. Go to baby music, signing, swimming, childrens centre, any and everything that sounds even vaguely appealing. You get to spend time with other adults, your LO gets to do fun/stimulating stuff even if they couldn't give a monkeys about most of the groups and you have a cast iron excuse for why you can't do Monday, Tuesday, Wedesday morning, or THursday next week.

Yikes sorry to hear he's unlikely to get on board. It sounds like he is putting his mother before you. When he should be considering you and your feelings.
Why not go and stay with your mum? You would have a lovely break, and get a bit of sanity back. Then come back with some ground rules in place.

When is the appointment to get your name on the deeds? If there isn't one- make it.

Honestly, you are on maternity leave. Go to your mum for a few weeks. Tell him you have had enough of his interfering mother, and you have had enough of him taking her side, and you need space to think about the future of your relationship.

Put some space between you, because they will never change. You need to decide whether you can put up with the two of them, or not.

You dont yet know to what extent this woman will go to undermine you, when your daughter is growing up. This woman will be an enormous influence in your childs life. Should she be?

It really is good you are not married. As it is, you can pack up and go.

What happened with his female friends, OP???

I got pregnant before Queen B did so was ignored when I was pregnant by all 3 of them, whenever I spoke about the baby they would hastily change the subject, let doors go in my face, sarcastic comments about what I was eating and how much, talking over me whenever I spoke, the day they came to visit the baby handing presents over to OH and blanking me other than saying 'go to bed you need some rest.' And a shitty comment about my pregnany being an 'accident.' He's still Mr popular though. He's laid back and easy going. He still meets up with them for a pint from time to time.
Think you're all right. I need to go stay with my mum for a bit.

hasle .... they all sound bloody awful. Im sorry, but husband included.

Go to your mum's and get some fresh air with your lovely little one. You can both seriously do without being stifled by this set of weirdos er tossers er, people

Ok have you thought about letting her take your dd to her house so she doesn't need to come to yours?

Believe me if she didn't help out you'd be wondering why on earth not.

I would truly madly love it if someone came to pick up my children for a few hours each week!

Why on earth is your OH staying in contact with 'friends' who treated you so terribly?

I agree, time away with your Mum sounds like a good plan.

The OPs child should never be at all left alone with his not so nice mother under any circumstances. This woman has messed with her son's head to his detriment (with the result being that he is a state of fear, obligation and guilt here quite apart from being completely spineless) and OPs job amongst many here is to protect her child from malign influences like his mother's.

I also think Hasle157 that you do need to go and stay with your mum for a bit. You need time and space away from your man who is so laid back he is horizontal along with his overbearing controller of a mother.

Quitelikely How is that helpful? The OP is clearly sharing how much she doesn't love it in any way! Possibly she's at a different stage of motherhood, with different experiences with this MiL that you haven't had, so loving it isn't coming easily to her.

OP, like most posters on MN with surface MiL difficulties, you actually seem to have an underlying dh difficulty. I wish MN would issue an assessment to be done with potential father of your child, establishing whether or not his mother has coped with him becoming an adult independent of her or is hanging on with teeth and toenails, which will then extend to any children of his too.

So sorry you're having to handle this on top of the hell of PND.

OP, with a couple of minor differences, your situation is ringing a lot of (disturbing) bells for me. PILs used to wander in, uninvited, & hammer at the door if we locked it, & ring our phones constantly until we answered. They got in a massive tantrum if we actually asked them to leave as it wasn't convenient, & made other guests, & the HV, feel they had to leave on many occasions. By about 7 weeks, DD was so used to MIL holding her, that she wouldn't be calmed by me. They used to interrupt nap time & wake her up for cuddles frequently. She is still awful to get to sleep, she's 2.6. I became very depressed & verging on paranoid. It felt like an invasion & I also moved to my mum's for a bit, we were on the verge of breaking up. DH has severe MH issues (I suspect his parents are partly to blame here) & did try to support me but they made it clear they were not interested in what he/we felt. I only just (this week) told DH how badly things affected me & have told him in no uncertain terms, we are not having another child until we've moved a long way away from PILs. I was surprised and enormously relieved to find that he actually felt very similarly to me about the whole situation. I'm devastated though as prior to this, I would have considered MIL a friend.

Legocaltrops- That is insane behaviour from your inlaws! I'm not surprised you became depressed. What are they like now? Did it calm down? I'm glad to say that it certainly hasnt gotten that bad and Im so glad I'm trying to do something now. I saw MIL earlier and she was much better... I think she may have listened to what I said to her!
Im glad you have the support of DH and I think that moving far away is a good idea. But what a shame that you have to do that just because of selfish PILs. They ought to be shipped far away from you!

Hi Hasle thanks it is a bit better now. They don't come round quite as often at present - I suspect there are 2 reasons for this. Firstly, DH started uni so he's not around to let them in (& I'm a lot stronger now and will just ignore the door/screen calls), & secondly, DH refused to let them in a few weeks ago after they had misbehaved (putting it mildly) last time they had DD. They had a massive hissy fit & stopped coming round & calling for a few days, & we called their bluff & didn't call back. It's been bliss!

Glad your MIL seems to have listened to you. If she has any sense she will listen & take note. I've read many threads on here about troublesome PILs implicated in the breakup of relationships, I still fear for mine despite having discussed everything with DH & even though we are totally on the same page, as his parents are utterly without boundaries. It might not be the worst thing you could do, to try to discuss this with your OH & say you fear for your relationship due to the pressure & scrutiny you feel that you are under. Make him realise that you value him & that the problem isn't him per se, just his reaction to a third party (MIL), don't make him feel backed into a corner or he's more likely to side with MIL. Perhaps if he realises the potential implications if he fails to support you appropriately, he might start to take this more seriously.

Hasle how are you? Did you go to your mums? Hope you were able to have a bit of timeout and enjoy time with your baby.

Hi justgotosleep, I'm feeling better thanks. My mum is on holiday at the moment so the aim is to sort something out when she's home. MIL was back on top form at the weekend, had an opinion on every single Christmas present that my mum and we intend on buying her... slowly learning to tell her NOTHING. I'm also going to have a week away from her, after she behaved during the week, I said we'd see her during this week too. Sorry, change of plan! Thanks everyone for your advice with MIL!

That's good you are feeling a bit better. I think it's a case of learning how to manage her. Often people like her can be very hurtful because they just don't care about your feelings. But they think you should do what they say because they know best. It's very tiring.

But you seem to be seeing the wood from the trees now. Just recognising what she's doing is the first step to looking after yourself around her.

Well done and I'm just so sorry you have to put up with her poor behaviour. Coping mechanisms is what you need to develop. And toughening up. She will never change to be a mum like yours, no matter how nice you are to her. She will walk all over you if you do.

Set boundaries, stick to them.
Put you and your dd before all others.

Thanks again Justgotosleep. You are right in that she'll always be the same and that I just need to manage the way I deal with her. It's getting myself in a place where I feel strong enough, and I don't at the moment. You're right about it being tiring, I'm on high alert the whole time I'm around her and it's exhausting or I switch off, let things go then obsess about what I should have said afterwards. I'm quite aware that she'll never change but then I think, why should I subject myself to her presence if I feel put down by her all the time? I've got a few ideas for dealing with her, but again, it's hard work for me whilst she lets her mouth wander without much thought at all. Doesnt seem fair does it!

Hi Hasle you're right, it's not fair. Don't tell her anything - presents will either be wrong & she'll let you know, or she may find some way to upstage them by buying bigger & better versions.

Don't obsess about what she said/you said/didn't say. She isn't worth it, if she was, she would not make you feel like this.