I dont want to spend my maternity leave with MIL!! HELP!

[Hasle157]

It all started when I was pregnant... my MILs nursery was ready before ours was having never had a conversation about her looking after the baby when she was born. Then she offered to pay for a wedding for my partner and I before she came along as she would have 'preferred us to get married first.' Its the 21st century, I declined!

when the baby was born she held back interferring for the first few weeks and was actually really helpful, then my partner went back to work and it all began...

The coming over to the house to help with the baby while I slept and taking her to her own house! The two hour visits which turned into 6, the 'advice' on how to get my house cleaner, the reminders about the deposit she gave my partner for the house, the opinions on why we cant replace the old fashioned furniture she gave him when he bought the house, the decorating advice, the 4hour shopping trips when I want to get home because the baby has a temperature and her telling me 'she's fine', the requests to look after her for the day and to take her round to their house....

My partner asked her to give me some space a few weeks ago and it was bliss. Last week it started again... the phone calls, messages, then turning up unannounced when I dont respond, the requests to take my baby to meet HER friends. So I took control at the weekend and gave her a 2 hour slot every week when she could visit. This has snowballed into a whole day out on her terms not mine... Im not strong enough to deal with her and my 'taking control' is a joke.

Ive had a complete meltdown and messaged her this morning (cowards way out) saying that I dont want her messaging and calling me in the week because we have other friends and family to see but that I'd let her know if/when we're available. We see her every weekend for atleast a few hours. Why isnt this enough? I just want to enjoy my maternity leave without being exhausted and over-powered by my MIL figure. I dont enjoy her company, she just meddles in my business and tells me about everyone elses for hours on end. Im too much of a wuss to take control with her.
I just rant at my partner about her and he sits there quietly, looking sad. He cant stand being around her himself though!
What shall I do? I'm getting all worked up and panicky at the thought of her being around so much and at the thought of what my partner is going to say when he discovers Ive sent her a very blunt message! Isnt weekend visits enough?

Hi Attila
There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that she would have convinced the bank with some elaborate story of how we asked her to change the appointment for us because we're so busy/need help. She's extremely convincing and regularly writes to companies/ complains about services to manipulate further gain/compensation for herself. This is what she's like. The appointment was definitely changed as DP received a text message from the bank to confirm the change of appointment. I am going to call the bank myself today though to find out if we can still have our previous slot.
What annoys me is that the slot his mother has made us is a better one! But I refuse to take it out of principle, although I do have a hair appointment the morning she's rearranged it to and I'm likely to get another before Christmas if I cancel!
I know DP was in the wrong here for sharing our business again; he's just so used to it. She's helped him with all this sort of stuff before I came along so he's just doing what he's always done. It just makes me feel very out of the picture.
She was so much better ast the weekend, but it seems as soon as she behaves herself, she reverts back to being an over-bearing pain in the arse again. I told DP last night that I was dreading spending Christmas with her at their house so he knows the crack. We've talked about moving Christmas lunch to our own house and inviting my Mum over too, which I'd feel much more comfortable with.
DP was up during the night and seems really stressed out, I know I shouldn't feel guilty for this but I do, he even cried yesterday when I told him how unsupportive I'd felt he'd been and said he felt stuck in the middle and didn't know what to do. He just wants us all to get on for the sake of our DD.

meant to say unlikely to get another hair appointment! DD was up all night teething... yawn!

If you feel you must spend Christmas with her this year (I wouldn't) make sure your DP and MIL know that it's the last time. Do the groundwork this year so next year you just say "no, remember we talked about this last year. DP and I want to make some family traditions of our own".

"He just wants us all to get on for the sake of our DD".

Yeah right and that is also part of the problem here, his wish for you all to get along so that he does not have to deal with his awful mother. He really does not want to deal with her and wants this all to go away so he can go back to a quiet life. A lot of men trapped in FOG due to their overbearing controlling mother also utter similar messages. That scenario is not going to happen and he needs to fully realise that fact. He also has to realise that his inertia is simply hurting the people he purports to love the most i.e. you and your DD.

I would not want his mother to be anywhere near your child either. If his mother dearest can disrespect you as her parents so casually and readily what mixed messages is your DD going to receive when her nan starts on you both (particularly you) in front of her?. This child will likely be encouraged by her also to keep secrets from you.

and said he felt stuck in the middle and didn't know what to do.

I'm afraid that this dilemma is as old as time; when a man gets married his mother has to take a backseat and some mothers really struggle with that (understandably). But he has to look towards his wife first instead of his mother when he gets married.

Agreed, this needs sorting now because his mother will be hell when the baby is born.

I would suggest you start as you mean to go on. change the christmas plans.

You need to do this now, or otherwise it will be too late.

The bank called me. They had 2 appointments for us (1 we made, 1 MIL made) and they wanted to know which was correct. Luckily, someone forgot to cancel the one we made originally before MIL's inconsiderate interference! I told the bank that I wasn't happy MIL was able to go in and make an appointment on behalf of us. They explained that it probably shouldn't have happened but that it may be the reason that out previous appointment wasn't cancelled. Thankfully!
Feeling down today: MIL is a definitely a route cause of PND. I was feeling much better. I guess it's not just about changing the way I deal with her, but the way DP deals with her too, which after being so used to her ways, just feels like a marathon. Thanks for all your advice, I have shared some of your thoughts with DP as I was getting to the end of my tether in an effort to get him to see things clearly.

Previous poster me also! Keep forgetting to change name back to previous.

OP I know it can be hard and overwhelming and you are also probably feeling somewhat guilty especially in regards to your DP crying etc. The reality is, you need to take control back. The first step is changing that appointment, the next will change/alter the Christmas arrangements to suit your family unit. Personally, if my family lived so far away I would be more inclined to spend the Christmas period with them or even my own family unit.

The thing with this type of person is, they really have no life, probably few friends so spend their time 'being' helpful (in their eyes), even though they are being controlling, overbearing etc. Your DP has had a lifetime of conditioning, so now needs to learn that your family unit must come first. He is a father now, so needs to step up and support you.

Dear Hasle I think you can use this building society appointment change to your advantage. Here's how-

Most people know the banks etc have a huge duty of care to be responsible with people's data and not share personal info.

Right. your mil 'persuaded' a bank employee to disclose some amount of confidential info about you and OH I'm order to get the appt moved.

What?

Yet they must have had alarm bells ringing in their head, so didn't cancel the original appointment.

So can you see how your poor OH might not be able to withstand the force of his mother, when she can very nearly batter a banks privacy rules? That is a VERY strong minded person to be dealing with.

I do feel sorry for him, as it sounds like he is waking up to the fact that his mother is/ can be pretty horrible. And definitely selfish and manipulative. Realising this about anyone you know is not nice. And to think it about your mother is probably quite shocking. And he may feel a guilt about thinking this way. As we are so deeply ingrained into regarding our mothers well.

You can see all this much more clearly as you are an outsider. Perhaps get your OH to talk with his sister, to help him realise he isn't a bad person for seeing his mother for who she really is.

Another point is, people like her can charm the pants off people. She may now do this to DH. And confuse him further. But something my DH always reminds me about my very similar mother- they can't keep up the charm act for very long. They will crack and show their true colours. It could be through a rage response. That is very unpleasant to be on the receiving end of, I can tell you.

That is why pp are advising you not to meet mil on your own. Never see her on your own. If it is unavoidable I recommend you (if you have an iPhone) use the voice record app. It can be done very unnoticeably. And will prove to your DH what she says to you, and her manner.
(I use mine to take cute recordings of my dd, but also for proof backup for my mums convos)

It's just an idea, to help protect you, and keep your family unit together.

And life's too short- you want Christmas Day with your new little family. Do it. It's your life. Enjoy your baby and OH.

Hugs

Justgotosleep: I know, you're right. The bank had no right sharing the date of our personal mortgage consultation. I just know how she can get information out of people easily, even companies with rules and regulations attached! She hones in on something then is relentless. She used to be a tax inspector and this is how she has now continued to live her personal life, by snooping in on other peoples affairs.

I've told DP about Christmas and he's taken what I've said on board. Not sure he agrees with some of it as he had very little to say, that's my DP though. He has told me he's feeling really stressed out though which isn't him at all. I think he was kind of happy just going along with everything his mum said before and now Ive come along and shaken everything up!

Christmas Lunch will now be moved to our house and we're yet to tell MIL. Atleast if I'm under my own roof, I'm in a much better position to deal with MIL. I also invited 2members of my own family last night so I'll have a bit of back up and atleast her presence will be diluted!

I feel like the bad guy for failing to adhere to MIL and keeping the status quo though and I really, really know I shouldn't. But I do. I hate upsetting DP, but it's either this or we fall apart further down the line after more of MIL's meddling.

hasle - you are not the 'bad guy' so please do not feel guilty.

Your plans for Christmas sound like a really good idea. If MiL doesn't like it, there is no reason why she can't just spend Christmas at home instead. This is your LO's first Christmas and you want to have happy memories and not have the day overshadowed by MiL and her hissy fits.

p.s. I am a MiL too (!)

I really feel for you, I've just moved away from my inlaws and I've never felt so happy so I understand how you feel although our situations are different (SIL and FIL were the issues).

My advice is to buy her this book for Christmas www.amazon.co.uk/The-Little-House-Philippa-Gregory/dp/0007398549

Good luck

Haha PresidentTwonk... that made me chuckle! Can you quite imagine?! Apparently MIL does like me, unlike poor Elizabeth, she just wants to rule our lives and take all my time. Perhaps it would be easier if she disliked me?!

We changed Christmas to suit us, MIL has happily obliged to the new plans. Now I'm worried about DP and our future.
DP spoke to MIL today and we chatted afterwards (briefly)

1. He says 'it's going to take time for my Mum to change her personality for when she's around you' which makes me feel awful. I've told him that I dont expect MIL to change her personality, just to be less interfering and if that is her personality then maybe the answer is that we stay away from each other.
2. He said that it's hard to see her changing our appointment as wrong, as before me, there would have been no problem with her changing an appointment for him. I've told him things are different now, he said MIL just forgets to think sometimes.

He's not sleeping, not eating properly, seems really stressed and things just 'aren't right' between us. The way I'm feeling about MIL is making him well, depressed! How can I not feel terrible. Where does all this leave us? Will things ever change? I feel like an outsider who's come in and messed up his relationship with his family. I get the feeling I'm not as much his family unit as his mother is. I feel like the rebel destroying his family. I get the feeling it's MIL he feels sorry for, not me. I'm the bad guy. Do I need to leave?

Aah, he is doing well at transferring that FOG right to you. Now you feel Fear Obligation and Guilt.

Do you really want this woman running/ruining your life for you?

No I don't, but I think DP is happier with her interfering and calling the shots. I'm not, which is why I wonder if I need to leave?
I cant stick around making him miserable.

Only you know if it's right to break up with your partner over this. I would be trying counselling for him personally before I split up, for the sake of the baby. I'd also let your dp know that this is how serious this is for you and that his misplaced loyalty to his mother could be jeopardising his future family. He needs to know though that the status quo where his mother knows and is involved in his every movement can't continue while you are in his life.

I haven't read all the thread but I can well understand why your DP is so unhappy OP. I'm not suggesting your MIL is a reasonable person at all, but in some of your early posts, you seemed incensed that your MIL took your baby (her grand-daughter) to her house - why ever not? I am a mother, MIL, grandmother, aunt, sister, cousin, friend and I had an interfering MIL many years ago and particularly when I was a young mom with my firstborn, but I rode it out for the sake of DP and eventually she calmed down. She was not my kind of woman at all but I stayed on good terms with her (and my adult kids have very happy memories of their paternal grandparents) all through her life and supported in her in her last few years. She was basically a kind woman, but controlled by a dominant husband who I always disliked, but again I rode it out as he was a good grandpa and the kids loved him, and like all of us he did have some good points.

I've been very lucky with my DILs who have always been very generous about letting me look after the children - through all the ages and stages, and yes even taking them to my house and to see my friends when they were babies! I was immensely proud of my grandchildren (still am) but when the first one arrived I wanted to show her off to my friends and my son and DIL were fine about this. I would have been heartbroken if my DIL had reacted like you did - you seemed to think she shouldn't be allowed to have contact with her grandchild without you being there - why ever not?

Can you not find some middle ground for the sake of your DP and your child - I firmly believe children have a right to have contact with their grandparents and other members of the extended family if this is going to be a positive experience.

I'm not sure why I go on these MIL sites, because it's always so predictable - I'm sure the DIL knows she will get masses of support from other DILs and sure enough she does - never fails and there are certain posters who always pop up - I often wonder if these posters are also the ones having problems with MILs. Someone said "she wants to play mummies again, but with your baby" ...........well I can tell you that when your first grandchild is born it does actually bring something out in you that is an echo of when you were a new mum (this took me completely by surprise) but it was there for sure and I saw it with my own mom and MIL all those years ago. I have talked to other women friends who are grandmothers who have experienced something similar and have not liked to acknowledge it as it seemed a bit strange - I suspect it is something quite natural - flesh of our flesh maybe.

You will all probably be MILs yourself one day and have DILs ...........just a thought. Would you like your son to be unhappy, possibly depressed and caught in the middle of the 2 women he loves most in life.

nana it's fine to be a loving and involved MIL (my own is, and is fantastic, love her to bits, trust her to the core). But the MIL here is very clearly inserting herself where the OP is wanting her not to.

to sum it up:

I just rant at my partner about her and he sits there quietly, looking sad. He cant stand being around her himself though!

Why, exactly, should the OP endure a woman she dislikes and her own son can't stand, imposing herself?

another quote:
^SIL ... Even shared her own issues and partly put her mother's interfering down to her break-up with her ex as she got involved with their finances.
She told me 'well done for texting her and telling her not to contact you.'
It just makes me feel so much lighter to know that she has felt the same way about her mum and empathises. She also said that MIL does not understand No. Never has. Never will. She fully supports me backing off^.

Your DILs clearly like and appreciate you. The OP and her husband and her SIL do neither with her MIL. I suspect you are an extremely different person to the OP's MIL.

What meerka said. There's a huge difference between wanting to help out and be delighted in your gc than taking over completely.

Nana, did you arrive unexpectedly and and tell your dil how to clean her house, ignore her wishes re your gc? Did you pop over for a couple of hours and end up staying all day, regardless of whether there may have been other plans? If you lent them (or gave them) money to help out, do you constantly remind them of this? Do you give an opinion on everything, whether wanted or not?

Nana, would you sneak away with the baby whilst your DIL was asleep, so she woke to an unexpectedly empty house?

This is a very young baby we're talking about - your DIL may have been happy about you taking your baby GC out without her (was she really?) but OP isn't and is perfectly reasonable to feel that way.

NanaNina, not every mother in law is like you. There are (clearly by the amount of MIL posts on MN) a considerable number who forget that once their sons leave home and their sons find a partner to share the rest of their lives with, that their involvement in their sons lives reduces and these MIL have to readjust how they interact with their sons and the partners.

Some MIL just keep overstepping the mark, some would even be so far over the mark where involvement in the new family units are concerned that it can end up with these new family units breaking up and separating (which is worst-case-scenario).

Sons of course will also be so conditioned to 'turn to mummy' if something goes astray that they might not be aware of it and forget that there is another person that they can turn to and that is their partner.

Again, this is what I've picked up from reading MN and again, not every MIL is like you so isn't reasonable or rational in their day to day dealings with these new family units.

Just a thought.

Thanks for the support all!
NanaNina: I think it's a massive concern that you feel it's ok to take a baby as young as DD to your own house without her mother's permission. Perhaps you DILs perception of you is different than you imagine?
As a grandmother you do not get ultimate 'right' to your grandchildren when they are so young and still bonding with their own mother and father.
I think you're extremely selfish to say you would be 'heartbroken' if your DIL had reacted like I did... when a mother is just trying to bond with her baby the best way she can.
I'm glad you're not my MIL.

I agree with you hasle. You never get that time back and you deserve to be able to enjoy it. It is sad that you have to fight so hard for something that most of us enjoy without any problems.

I always had my MIL around, every single holiday! It was not good for our family dynamics and I regret not putting my foot down.