I dont want to spend my maternity leave with MIL!! HELP!

[Hasle157]

It all started when I was pregnant... my MILs nursery was ready before ours was having never had a conversation about her looking after the baby when she was born. Then she offered to pay for a wedding for my partner and I before she came along as she would have 'preferred us to get married first.' Its the 21st century, I declined!

when the baby was born she held back interferring for the first few weeks and was actually really helpful, then my partner went back to work and it all began...

The coming over to the house to help with the baby while I slept and taking her to her own house! The two hour visits which turned into 6, the 'advice' on how to get my house cleaner, the reminders about the deposit she gave my partner for the house, the opinions on why we cant replace the old fashioned furniture she gave him when he bought the house, the decorating advice, the 4hour shopping trips when I want to get home because the baby has a temperature and her telling me 'she's fine', the requests to look after her for the day and to take her round to their house....

My partner asked her to give me some space a few weeks ago and it was bliss. Last week it started again... the phone calls, messages, then turning up unannounced when I dont respond, the requests to take my baby to meet HER friends. So I took control at the weekend and gave her a 2 hour slot every week when she could visit. This has snowballed into a whole day out on her terms not mine... Im not strong enough to deal with her and my 'taking control' is a joke.

Ive had a complete meltdown and messaged her this morning (cowards way out) saying that I dont want her messaging and calling me in the week because we have other friends and family to see but that I'd let her know if/when we're available. We see her every weekend for atleast a few hours. Why isnt this enough? I just want to enjoy my maternity leave without being exhausted and over-powered by my MIL figure. I dont enjoy her company, she just meddles in my business and tells me about everyone elses for hours on end. Im too much of a wuss to take control with her.
I just rant at my partner about her and he sits there quietly, looking sad. He cant stand being around her himself though!
What shall I do? I'm getting all worked up and panicky at the thought of her being around so much and at the thought of what my partner is going to say when he discovers Ive sent her a very blunt message! Isnt weekend visits enough?

Quitelikely- The 2 hours are on top of the few hours at the weekends that she sees her also. If she had her way, it would be near enough everyday, sometimes unannounced too. I understand that she loves her grandchild but I am her mother and part of her infanthood is my special time too and she has other family who are desperate to see her yet manage to maintain their self control.

In response to what some of you have said about my partner and my parents: My partner would hate it if my mum contacted him all the time... he's so shy that he's only ever spoken to her over the phone when I was in labour! My own mother lives 200 miles away so has to make do with monthly visits, she has never told me what to do with my daughter unlike MIL. She just regularly tells me what a good job I'm doing and to trust my instincts. Everything is so uptight and bloody opinionated when I'm around MIL. I tell her a fact about my daughter and she has to find a way of disagreeing or giving her opinion. Why cant she just enjoy her then go home? She's making it more hard work for herself, let alone me.

Does his father really need a spare key? really? Surely with you and him having keys, you can cope?

Next time they come round, say 'Can I have that key a minute' and take it off them. Tell them to back off, this is too much and you need space. And you will make the necessary arrangements for any contact.

My OH wouldn't be happy if I took the key. They've always had one. The problem is that I moved in after he had bought the house and his parents helped him buy it/do it up. I almost feel like it's partly theirs!

So let me get this straight, you are willing to allow them to keep a key so as not to upset your dh, but your dh is not willing to talk to his mother, therefore upsetting you?

Why is your dh and his mothers feelings more important than yours?

What would happen if you just didn't answer the door to her?

How about you, DP and baby move into something that you own together. Get rid of all this PIL ownership/boundary nonsense.

Your partner needs to grow a pair. Tell him that MIL is only welcome when he is there. (And you could point out that if he doesn't grow a pair that is exactly how it'll be because you and the baby will be living somewhere where she doesnt have a key). That is an entirely reasonable boundary by the way.

I wouldn't want my MIL around unless my DP was there. And that will help him get things into perspective too.

Fluffy jumper I'm guessing I'd see her face in my living room window! Unfortunately you have to walk passed the window to get to the front door so she would see me sitting there anyway... no hiding from her! She doesnt turn up often, its only happened a couple of times, when I ignore her calls. If I answer I'm met with a list of activities that she asks me to do with her during all this 'free time' I have. I could handle her asking me to do something once a week but once isnt enough and she likes to consume my entire day. I also cant get her off the phone, baby can be crying and me saying I have to go but she keeps on chatting regardless. The rest of the family cant stand getting into conversation with her so I dont see why Im expected to. OHs dad shouts at her to give it a rest all the time and my OH completely blanks her leaving me to listen to her droning on and on. His sister hangs up on her! Yet they are so happy for me to be spending my precious time with her. I feel like telling everyone to sod off and leave me and my daughter alone

My OH wouldn't be happy if I took the key

do you have a chain on the door? If not, get one fixed and put the chain on whenever you're at home. If she sees you at the window....completely ignore her - ignore the knocking on the door, window and the phone calls. When she mentions it just calmly tell her that you didn't want company and remind her that she's supposed to arrange with you to come round (and if you're not answering your phone it means you're busy), remind her that your 'free time' is yours to do with as you please.

they are so happy for me to be spending my precious time with her i bet they are! It means they don't have to! You really need to toughen up NOW and tell your dh exactly how you want things to be and if he won't speak to his mother then you have to do it. Threaten to leave him so he knows how serious you are. If you don't do something about this now then they will wear you down so much that you have no backbone left.

Or invest in some lovely new blinds / curtains, and when she rings... Ignore and close them. She'll get bored of being put out. If she later asks...you were asleep...'didn't I say not to just turn up anyway? What a waste of a journey for you!'

Well tell her to sod off then. Stop being so passive!

And why shouldnt you get that key back? You live there now, put your foot down.

Another piece of advice in relation to all this then:
I'm currently being treated PND and my counsellor advised me to use MIL to my advantage during the week so that I get a break (OH has a stressful job and is home late quite regularly.) That's why Ive offered her this extra 2 hours a week. But I'm regretting it massively as she's manipulating things to her own terms. Do you think that involving her in me having a break is more trouble than it's worth or should I prioritise getting a break and keep fighting her control?

hello. I had/have a similar problem with my MIL and found Attilathemeerkats advice really useful - read Toxic Inlaws it is very enlightening!! I think that some grandparents find that when their children have children that it brings up memories of their own children and they want to have 'another chance' at parenting. Which is fine if their child wants them to have that role and some people do!! You need to put the boundaries in place now and get your OH on side. My OH initially couldn't see why I was so upset - all he could see was the positives. They became so overbearing that even he began to notice. The thing I came to recognise was that he was part of the problem because he did not support me or tell his parents when I was upset. I also needed to understand why I didn't value my own instinct that their behaviour was wrong and disrespectful. I looked at my sister-in-law and they didn't try it on with her because she had been extremely firm in expressing the way that she wanted to bring up her children. You need to work out what works for you and your own life (seeing other family, friends and having family time). And don't feel guilty !!

If MIL is making the PND worse, then ditch her.

Tell DH that MIL is making the PND worse. Hopefully that'll be the kick in the pants he needs.

Have you told your counsellor about MIL's nonsense?

Am I right that your name is not on the deeds, you don't work and you are not married? Get thee to a registry office asap. You are vulnerable and things are already getting weirdy, with weirdy family.

When are you going back to work?

What are your childcare plans?

Please don't ask or let your MIL do it. Would be a nightmare of crossed boundaries and crushed self-confidence.

I told the counsellor and she said it was more me feeling threatened than her behaviour being a problem so to give myself a break a couple of hours a week and let her look after my daughter. I didn't think they were supposed to give advice?!
I'm a school teacher and return to work in February, my MIL has announced that she would like to look after my daughter 1 day a week when I go back just a few weeks ago, months after she had kitted her house out with baby equipment in preparation and after having no discussion with me about it until then!
The deeds are in OHs name as when I moved in we agreed to wait 2 years until the renewal before putting it in my name too. Luckily, the renewal is at the end of the month. We are not married and to be honest I dread the thought of a wedding for her interfering!

To borrow a great phrase I read on another MN thread: OP, you need to have "ovaries of steel."

Going along with her activities, letting her clog up your spare time etc? No point doing it then moaning about it to your DP. It's madness to keep doing it if it's making you miserable. Feck her feelings, she clearly doesn't give a toffee about your feelings. If her own DH, DS and DD can't stand her for long then, yeah, it's really her that's hard work.

As for the counsellor giving advice - doesn't mean you need to take it. You are living this situation every day, so do what your gut tells you. Life it short.

As for the childcare issue, my advice is to get yourself looking for local nurseries and childminders. Even if it's only 1 day a week she'll have even more "need" for your front door key, and more mental space to think about every aspect of your DD's life and how you and DP conduct yourselves.

Stand up and bit and bite back.

• stand up a bit. Sorry, was typing too fast!

You need an advocate. Is your own Mother still around? Could she make the case to your MiL and set the boundaries for you if your husband can't/won't? It's much easier to do it for someone else.

"I told the counsellor and she said it was more me feeling threatened than her behaviour being a problem so to give myself a break a couple of hours a week and let her look after my daughter. I didn't think they were supposed to give advice?!"

No they are not supposed to give advice, besides which this person has given you very poor counsel indeed. MILs mad behaviour towards you is causing you to have all these problems and clearly this counsellor has no real knowledge of dysfunctional and emotionally unhealthy families like the one that your man has come from. There is no way at all that I would have his mother looking after your most precious resource either. She wants to play Mummy Dearest again and look at how she has messed with your mans head. That will be your child's head too.

I would find another counsellor to work with now as this one does not seem to fully understand the dysfunctional MIL family dynamic at all. You need to also find someone who has no familial bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment.

On a far wider level your legal position is currently very poor indeed and you should be added to the title deeds asap.

Re this comment:-
"The deeds are in OHs name as when I moved in we agreed to wait 2 years until the renewal before putting it in my name too. Luckily, the renewal is at the end of the month".

Well he'd better add you then, infact you should have been when you moved in. This original joint decision above was not a good one at all, I am wondering what you mean by the word renewal in terms of the above anyway. As you are unmarried as well your legal position is pretty much poor anyway. If you do get married you do not need and should not require his mother's involvement because she will take that whole process over as well and make it all about her again.

His mother will want to foot the bill for the wedding! Believe me. And then I will look all ungrateful for refusing because we cant afford it without saving and they can! Things need to change before we start discussing weddings. The decision about waiting 2 years was poor I agree, but I felt so inferior at not contributing to the house deposit that I wanted to pay into it a bit first before I just plonked my name on the deeds and basically got a house for free. Ive worked hard for everything in my life and never asked for a penny or gotten anything for free. I wasnt going to start either.
I know that for my own security I now need to be on the deeds. Thanks for the ongoing advice everyone, I'm beginning to feel like I'm in a stronger position to tackle her thanks to your support x

She takes your child out.of the house when you are sleeping? Id be reporting her for abduction if she dared pull that shit again.

She wont be pulling it again. I told her at the time that she'd made me feel very anxious and that I didnt like to be away from my daughter. My OH stands up for me from time to time but uses the PND as a reason for her to back off rather than her own bloody behaviour. But then again, he's so used to it!

More than anythign else you need your OH to grow some balls and tell her to back the hell off.

Taking your baby out of your house without your permission? That makes me angry just to read.

Unfortunately marrying your husband until this ongoing problem with your MIL might not be a good idea. You could elope to get away from her, but the problem is deeper than that - she is endlessly encroaching. It wouldn't stop. You shouldn't have to live your life with a vague or acute sense of dread that someone's going to be trying to horn in on your life, your husband and your baby.

Ummm... I know it all comes down to my OH. They've been such a strong fixture in his life and when I came along, I accepted it and it didnt really bother me. Now that she's trying to force her presence onto myself and my child at 100miles an hour I'm feeling infuriated!
OH is at their house right now. He left at 8pm to go and look at their 'faulty boiler' although I dont blame him, Ive had a face like a smacked arse since he got home from work. I'm so down about the whole thing and I'm pushing him closer to them.