In laws!

[Dynasty1989]

So this is just a rant really, my son is under a month old an they have been living with us 1 week and 2 days! I always wanted time to recover before they turned up a minimum of six weeks but didn't stand my ground enough and got bullied into submission and oh how, i regret it, they are visiting from abroad for 3.5 months and they are a nightmare, they stayed us when we got married and it was hell, it was every day something, we were renting then and I got up every day to something broken, something blocked, holes drilled in walls, old furniture dragged in off the street, wood dragged into the garden with rusty nails then hammered into it an left to rot, raw meat splattered all over the inside of the fridge, the gas left on, wine spilled on the carpets ....... The list is endless but it was something everyday no exaggerating at the end I would get up find what the surprise was for the day and cry , it took around three months after they left to get the house up to a standard where I could get my deposit back, and it was me who had to do it all, the garden was my biggest annoyance as my father in law promised he would return it up to the same condition as he arrived but was full of rubble and trays of dirt, all the grass had died, the cute little green house my husband had bought me was smashed up, when he happily hopped into the car back to the airport, it looked as though he had started to tidy the mess then realised what work it was so left it! And now they're back, they wanted to come when I was pregnant but I said no, six weeks ideally three months alot of arguing with my husband and the flights were booked for five weeks after my due date, my beautiful son was born two weeks late meaning they arrived three weeks after he was born. I told my husband you know how much hard work they are, how can I deal with them and a newborn?you've got your own business now and I'll be left running around after them and a newborn on top, he would snap back he needed them, in his country the grandparents look after the children so the parents can get a good nights rest, he said they would cook all his meals for him and he knows they behaved badly last time but this time will be different as they will have a grandchild to care for so they will be preoccupied not bored and behave! Well they turn up and straightaway I see his mum attempting to hold our son with his head left unsupported, turns out husband's grandparents and aunt looked after him when he was a baby and they have no clue and won't be helping with our son at all, they are much worse behaved than last time and my husband says it is like having two toddlers to care for, they haven't cooked him a meal, he has to cook their meals they are constantly asking him to do this and that for them, drive them here, get them this. . . It's a nightmare. They spent three hours in the bathroom the other day, which I think is very inconsiderate especially considering I have just given birth less than a month ago! Later on that night I run myself a bath while I use the toilet and hop into it , I'm supposed to have two baths a day as it took them 30mins to stitch me up after the birth, I'm in it less than a minuet before my father in law is shouting through the door and I have to leave my bath because MIL needs the toilet, she then claims because she had to wait literally one minuet as i got out of there she has a UTI and sits on the toile for 90mins! Which she does all the time now! Imagine if they had been here while I was 42 weeks pregnant! My husband now just constantly sighs and mutters and complains they are running him ragged, he doesn't want to deal with them on his day off as he needs a day to relax and tries stay out of the house as long as possible as they always want something, I'm the one at home with them the most! How will I cope?

Tell them they need to leave. If your husband objects, then he can leave too.

You need to protect yourself and your son.

Tell them to leave. Please do it. I worry you'll be done for murder otherwise, they sound BEYOND annoying

Tell them to get out!

Tell them to leave. Fucking hell, what inconsiderate bastards.

Tell them the details of the nearest (or not) hotels, hostel, B&B and then ask them to leave. Tell them that like all other visitors, they can come over for a pre determined duration at a pre determined time.

Tell them in no uncertain terms to LEAVE. This is when you have to protect you and your baby and if your husband isn't supportive then he can go too.

The bathroom issues alone are a reason they need a separate place with their own facilities. How dare your husband make himself scarce on his day off - they're his parents and he wanted them to come!

Frankly, I'd pack myself and my baby up and leave until they were gone. Let your DH deal with them by himself!

Do you have a relative or friend you can go to? Even an impersonal hotel and a portable cot would be better than your house at the moment!

I'd leave too. A hotel where you get room and maid service would be great.

He hasn't made himself scarce yet and he won't be doing, it went a bit like this "where are you taking your parents Tuesday?" Him "Nowhere i don't want to be with them i want to relax" me, well I went bonkers.
To all those saying tell them to leave and him too, well its his house but the more I think about it the more I realise I've made such bad errors, I love my husband so much but I'm starting to think maybe he doesn't love me the same way, the house is his from money left to him, I'm on the deeds, but lets go back to before he bought the house, right to the beginning of our relationship, he didn't speak English, I taught him, he didn't earn much money on a work permit and I paid all our rent and bills on a shitty wage and when I worked my way up I saved money, then he bought the house, I was earning good money, I saved hard, when he wanted to open his business I gave him all the money I had saved "your my husband, everything that is mine is yours you don't need to pay me back" , he opened his business and I went to work for him, that's when I think i started to slowly realise he doesn't have respect for me, he had a particularly useless member of staff but it was a lady he had known since he came to the uk, she blamed all her mistakes on me, he believed her, she made them when I wasn't in the room, I got blamed for making her nervous, I left work at 38 weeks pregnant, of course as soon as I left and wasn't constantly doing most of her work and constantly correcting her mistakes he wanted to sack her, the whole time i was running myself ragged after her and said it wasn't easy being heavily pregnant and still at work on my feet 90% of the time and doing all the housework I got "if my mum was here to look after you,you would be fine",(well even if she was capable i wouldn't have been fine because he couldn't find anyone to replace me until 38 weeks gone so i would still have been working) he then kept saying "when my parents arrive you can come back to work and I can sack " of course his parents have arrived and been nothing but trouble and totally unable to care at all for a baby and wouldn't have helped at all had they been here while I was pregnant , If mentioned how heavy it was carrying our son all I got was "you aren't that big, other women a few months behind you are much bigger he probably only weighs 5lb if my mum was here she could look after you" he weighed 10lb. I'm going to distance myself from him so much now though,I got offered a job today just by joking to a business owner about his "apprentice" and mentioning how I worked in the same industry as a teen, i really want to sort out baby care and go for it!all I get now is remarks about how he earns so much, its clear he thinks he's the breadwinner and because I'm reliant on him my opinion is nothing!

I just mentioned how badly he cared for me in the last weeks of pregnancy and how if i ever said anything all I got was "if my mum was here she would care for you, but you don't want it , I'm too busy / tired ", he just grunted and said "i'm going to sleep now", couldn't say sorry I was wrong, she couldn't have cared for you, I only ever asked him to run me a bath once and he refused, of course had his precious mother been here I wouldn't have been allowed a bath or to use the toilet more than 2 mins just incase she needed it and I would have probably have had to give birth alone while he ran round after his parents. I was induced and it took a while, he defiantly would have had to leave me in labour to check on them!

I think im going to my sisters next month. Or hotel. I can see he's torn in a way, he doesn't want to admit to himself how utterly useless they are. He asked his mum so many times "who looked after me?" She kept replying "me" his aunt told him the truth. He kept telling me the first few days they arrived "I'm so disappointed" he told me he had the idea our son would be moved into their room and everything would be done for us, I knew from the start it would be like having two naughty toddlers and a baby, only one of us could be right! What angers me the most was the end of my pregnancy and when I was in so my pain after all I ever got was "if my mum was here", I didn't want his mum even had she been amazing, I wanted some reassurance/care from him.

It's obvious you are really under a lot of stress. Is there any way you can go to your sister's now? And I do think it's a good idea for you to reenter the work force when your son is a bit older. I returned to work when mine were babies and it was fine. It seems obvious that your husband doesn't value you as an equal partner so it would be a good thing to have your own income.

But for now you need somewhere you can decompress and try to see what you really want as far as your marriage. It seems that there are a lot of differences between you and your husband.

Could there be some type of cultural issue causing your husband to be unsupportive of you and to relegate you to a 'woman's sphere'? His mother (a woman) should 'take care of you' not him (a man). Or is he just a 'mama's boy' that believes his mother can do anything?

Those aren't parents, they're a pair of hooligans! How on earth do adults manage to make such a mess? Surely they're doing it on purpose.

Agree that leaving them to it is probably safest. If it's his house then it's his property they're smashing up. He will be able to see exactly how destructive they are if you aren't frantically clearing up after them while he's swanning around at work. (I don't care how hard his job is, it's unlikely to be such a challenge as looking after his ghastly family!)

Oh I'd be out of there like a shot if they refuse to budge or he refuses to shift them.

Offend them as much as you can so they feel that they can never cross your threshold again, and then leave for your sister's or a hotel.

I didn't see if your own mother is in the picture - can you invite her to stay? She might be able to rout your ILs if you can't.

Please find somewhere else to stay and let them get on with it. Do you have any support in real life?

I don't advocate drastic action often but in this case I think you need to get some space, rest, support and peace

I'd be kicking them out even if I had to buy their airfare home

You'll need to deal with the husband issues later - but one step at a time

Go and see a solicitor and/or CAB. You are married, therefore the house is a property of the marriage, and is the place where your child is housed. You have a very strong claim on the house.

I would record what is happening in the house now, pictures on your phone, even tape recording what they say when you complain.

Do talk to your GP and Midwife - this is not good for you or your baby.

Leave.

Concentrate on offspring you gave birth to, not the children around you that are full sized.

I'm sorry about the money you gave your husband for his business because you've probably lost it. But right now you need to concentrate on the here and now and getting the fuck out.

Talk to your sister and see if you can come NOW. Tell him you will come back the day they leave, if you decide you want to. I went back to work when my son was 5 wks old (Bastard ExH left me at 11 wk pg), so I no other option.

Talk to the man who offered you the position and see how long he can hold it for you, but get away so you can think and spend the quality bonding time with your DS that you have miss do the vile IL.

Good luck, dear. You have your hands full and a lot of decisions to be making.

How about a couple of nights at a travel lodge? Sleep, baths and lovely baby time. You will feel stronger for it.

I second the poster who said take a few photos, it won't take long and might come in handy. Also the poster who suggested talking to your midwife and health visitors.

The job sounds great!

Getting money back isn't really the issue its the attitude, "I earn alot" he does earn alot, I could get three times what I gave him out the business safe now! "I pay you alot" not really considering my replacement is on £20 less a week and can't control his awful staff member or drive often out to correct the mistakes of awful staff member (I did a lot of driving for work now he needs another staff who can drive on top anyway), "I still pay you now" yes but I am looking after our son 24 7 and I just put most of my "wages" aside for our son, I'm not a big spender, lets not forget I gave up everything for him! In his culture the month after the baby's born and most of the pregnancy the mother is very well cared for usually by motherbin law, he was just snappy ptobably due to the pressure of work and constantly insisted had his mother been there she would have cared for me excellently the whole time, he couldn't see until she arrived what a pain she would be so that was the answer to everything "pregnancy is tiring" "yes well if my mum was here she would look after you".Even if I only earned half what I did working for him I could distance myself more and tell him to stuff his ideas and he would know I had an escape! The adult toddlers are just awful though, I really really want them out, I told him he has to send them on a coach trip for two weeks or I'm moving out! I need a break from them already! I can't begin to explain the full extent of them. They also sleep odd hours will wake up in the night and whine they are bored , yeah its 4am what can we do!

Go, for god's sake. Go and stay with your sister until they've gone. Let him deal with them. It doesn't mean the end of your marriage (unless you want it to), but please take your baby and go somewhere for the next few months where you will be cared for. I don't mean you never having to life a finger, but somewhere where you can be normal, look after your baby and yourself, and not be constantly drained by either your ILs or your dh. Just get gone now, this week, this weekend. I am fairly confident that your marriage is being damaged right now, your trust and belief in your dh, and that will only get worse if you stay. So go. Remove yourself from the situation.

Once they've gone, you can return, but I would recommend having very long and serious discussions with dh before you do return, obviously.

The reason I've insisted he takes his parents out on his days off too is quite a sneaky one, with babas car seat in the back it takes up too much space for two people to fit in the back, meaning if he takes his parents out I can't fit in the back and if I can't fit in the back there is no one to care for baba.i snapped at him he must take out his parents , he got short and asked why I was so determined he took them out knowing all of the above, "well" i said in my sweetest voice " your parents aren't here long you should treat them nicely"he knew that wasnt why and i wanted them away from me, I know in the car they are the biggest nightmare too, I won't forget last time they were here, there were signs up all over motorway "-- to next services no services for another 25 miles" each time we passed one I asked his mother 3 times if she needed the toilet and warned her it will be at least half an hour after in this traffic "no, no, definitely not", "here we are now about to go past do you want us to pull in there will be no more toilets for half an hour" I gave the last warning "no" "are you sure?" "Yes" "are you definitely sure" "yes" around "5-10seconds later she sticks her head through the front two chairs "actually I do need the toilet" yeah well what you want me to do make one appear out of thin air! His dad is then thumping his sons seat really hard demading his mum really needs the toilet 5 minuets later as he speeds dangerously from lane to lane till I scream he will kill us all! That's just one incident, but they always have something they need, hungry, ill, tired, they make a mess in his car and I've told him he will be taking them out Tuesdays! Also he takes them somewhere they want and they then complain they are tired, he drove them to the lake district last time at their insistence, they got there and said they were tired, sat on a bench for an hour then soend the vast majority of time in the hotel!Our son is only just a month old, today actually and this is the situation we are in with two adult toddlers making our lives very difficult!

I know our marriage is being damaged or maybe it just wasn't what i thought it was in the beginning. I'm going to just insist on that coach trip and possibly another in January, quite funnily he started saying he thought they should extend their visa (before they arrived of course), as they would be such a help and he needed it lol, last night he snapped that he never said that "yes you did yo were very rude about it actually" it really hit a nerve too because I had already said they were staying way too long then he came up with that idea i felt tricked he just shouted "I need them, it's not about you they'll leave you alone, I need them to care for me, to cook my meals" , he doesn't like me mentioning how he said his mother would care for me either he shouts "yeah yeah yeah yeah" or even "shh shh shh shh" he actually can't bare to hear it! He was so adamant about everything, he thought I was the cause of problems at work and not capable there, he thought I wasn't capable of looking after our son and needed his "experienced" parents. Now he needs me at home and at work.

His parents must leave, its been completely unfair of him to expect you to wait on them particularly when he has stated that he does not want to do so.

You already have one child to look after, you do not need three more as well. Go to your sister's and stay there as long as you are able to.

Your H sounds completely mired in FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) with regards to his awful parents and I think he would always put them before you. I would also consider your future with your H very carefully because he is also unlikely to change.