In laws!

[Dynasty1989]

So this is just a rant really, my son is under a month old an they have been living with us 1 week and 2 days! I always wanted time to recover before they turned up a minimum of six weeks but didn't stand my ground enough and got bullied into submission and oh how, i regret it, they are visiting from abroad for 3.5 months and they are a nightmare, they stayed us when we got married and it was hell, it was every day something, we were renting then and I got up every day to something broken, something blocked, holes drilled in walls, old furniture dragged in off the street, wood dragged into the garden with rusty nails then hammered into it an left to rot, raw meat splattered all over the inside of the fridge, the gas left on, wine spilled on the carpets ....... The list is endless but it was something everyday no exaggerating at the end I would get up find what the surprise was for the day and cry , it took around three months after they left to get the house up to a standard where I could get my deposit back, and it was me who had to do it all, the garden was my biggest annoyance as my father in law promised he would return it up to the same condition as he arrived but was full of rubble and trays of dirt, all the grass had died, the cute little green house my husband had bought me was smashed up, when he happily hopped into the car back to the airport, it looked as though he had started to tidy the mess then realised what work it was so left it! And now they're back, they wanted to come when I was pregnant but I said no, six weeks ideally three months alot of arguing with my husband and the flights were booked for five weeks after my due date, my beautiful son was born two weeks late meaning they arrived three weeks after he was born. I told my husband you know how much hard work they are, how can I deal with them and a newborn?you've got your own business now and I'll be left running around after them and a newborn on top, he would snap back he needed them, in his country the grandparents look after the children so the parents can get a good nights rest, he said they would cook all his meals for him and he knows they behaved badly last time but this time will be different as they will have a grandchild to care for so they will be preoccupied not bored and behave! Well they turn up and straightaway I see his mum attempting to hold our son with his head left unsupported, turns out husband's grandparents and aunt looked after him when he was a baby and they have no clue and won't be helping with our son at all, they are much worse behaved than last time and my husband says it is like having two toddlers to care for, they haven't cooked him a meal, he has to cook their meals they are constantly asking him to do this and that for them, drive them here, get them this. . . It's a nightmare. They spent three hours in the bathroom the other day, which I think is very inconsiderate especially considering I have just given birth less than a month ago! Later on that night I run myself a bath while I use the toilet and hop into it , I'm supposed to have two baths a day as it took them 30mins to stitch me up after the birth, I'm in it less than a minuet before my father in law is shouting through the door and I have to leave my bath because MIL needs the toilet, she then claims because she had to wait literally one minuet as i got out of there she has a UTI and sits on the toile for 90mins! Which she does all the time now! Imagine if they had been here while I was 42 weeks pregnant! My husband now just constantly sighs and mutters and complains they are running him ragged, he doesn't want to deal with them on his day off as he needs a day to relax and tries stay out of the house as long as possible as they always want something, I'm the one at home with them the most! How will I cope?

Obviously this is an awful situation for you to be in and your ils sound spectacularly awful.
Your dh has had a huge shock I think and is handling the whole thing very badly.
He does need to get his head around the implications of his and his parents behaviour. Please don't think I'm minimising what he's done but you seem to be relishing telling him that you were right and he was wrong. Whilst that's undoubtedly the case, I'm not sure that's going to help save your marriage or what's left of it. He might need a bit of support through this in order to support you iyswim.

I'd be relishing telling him he was wrong too. Good lord they sound hellish.

But at least he is beginning to see what the poor OP is saying. At bloody last.

Maybe he's not beyond hope but my goodness he has a very long way to go and she needs her own life and job away from him, or she'll go utterly insane.

It's not even that I'm relishing in the fact I'm right and he was wrong I'm angry I was right and he was wrong, I was hoping by some miracle he knew them better and that they had a secret side, I had predicted he would see how utterly awful that woman he employs was and if he was right and I was wrong I could go back to work ten hours a week he would appreciate me more too, not this, this is too much he comes home sighing his parents are harassing him then rants on about how bad she is a work!

Is that really how Chinese culture works? It sounds like my idea of hell to hand my baby over to my MiL and go back too work. What about breastfeeding? How does that happen? And you are right, if a mother does not do any caring for her child, how will she have any skills to care for her grandchildren when they come along?

I suppose there must be some sort of tandem care in that system, otherwise you're right, it wouldn't work. I read a book describing a similar system in Jamaican culture as well, where the grandmother would look after the children so the mum (the younger, fitter one) could go out to work. Same thing though - but I guess the mum takes over in the evening or something (bit rough on the mum, no respite!)

Dynasty - it must be incredibly galling for you to have all your predictions come true when your H could have pre-empted most of these problems if he'd only bloody listened to you in the first place. I have to agree with Acrossthepond that he hasn't been very good to you before you got pregnant in terms of attitude and only you can decide whether or not it's bad enough to leave him.

A trial separation might be a good thing - might wake him up to just how much he stands to lose! - and give you clearer perspective on whether or not you want to stay in a marriage where your opinions and abilities are so disregarded.

for you - I hope you get rid of the ILs very very very soon - can't he ship them out to a hotel for now? Damage limitation, you know (although I know it's massively "disrespectful" to them, too bad, they've hardly shown you or your home any respect, have they!)

I do get where you're coming from. He could have trusted you in your judgements about people, especially once you were proved right about the woman at work, and yet he didn't, which is a bit of a body blow. It is no wonder you are so angry with him, as if he had listened to you and trusted you, you could have worked together to minimise the problems with his parents' visit, and been a team - maybe even have managed to have a laugh about their awful behaviour together.

But, I'm not sure how wise it is to make long term, and possibly irreversible decisions about your life when you're stuck in the middle of all this stress and anger. So my temporary solution to your immediate problems - what to do to avoid the worst impact of his parents' behaviour - is to go somewhere for the duration of their visit. Maybe meet up with them a couple of times with your ds and have a family day out. That way he is completely responsible for his parents, you and ds are far away and spend the time in a normal environment and out of the way of the nightmare. He gets to feel the full horror of their visit so he doesn't forget it easily.

Once they have gone, you both spend some time working out what you want to do, whether you want to be with him, what undertakings you may want from him and so on.

"Is that really how Chinese culture works? It sounds like my idea of hell to hand my baby over to my MiL and go back too work. What about breastfeeding? How does that happen? And you are right, if a mother does not do any caring for her child, how will she have any skills to care for her grandchildren when they come along?"

It is now, now you have a generation of grandparents who only had one child they looked after themselves as they had 7 or more brothers and sisters, house prices are extortionate in my husbands city so experienced grandma looks after her only childs baby, but my husband's case is very unusual that his mother was an only child, leaving her parents able to care for him, leaving her inexperienced. My husband has already said though he doesn't know what will happen when his friends welcome their grandchildren into the world, they'll have 0 experience and will be used to living the pampered life, also their parents will be old and in need of care, possibly even grandparents in need of care, what will happen then? Sounds delightful to many now(not all) a perfect system, but all that will change.
One of my husband's cousins is divorced she lives with her mum and seven year old son, her mom is around 60 now and cares for her badly behaved son 24/7, her mom is the only one who can control her son, she doesn't earn good money and her mom gets a small pension, they get by fine now but parents are supposed to provide a house for their sons, I don't know how things will pan out in 20 years when her mum is 80, her son is 27 and getting married having a child and needing a house or at least deposit for a house and she is quite young still say late 40s and still having to work, what will happen then, she can't work, care for her mum and look after her newborn grandson and son and keep two houses all with 0 experience!

I think that's called being in the "nutcracker generation": care for tge young and the old.

Imagine going from just working in a call centre a 40 hour week or office etc and coming home to a clean house, dinner on the table, a bath run for you, your clothes laid out etc, to looking after a baby in your 50s/60s with 0 experience not gonna be easy! The chinese have always cared for their elderly but when it's split between seven children its not that hard, all on an only child will be very difficult!

To a certain extent, I think most cultures have had this in varying degrees 'in the old days' as it was pretty common that an elderly relative moved in with family or lived nearby to help out. Our neighbour's grandmother lived with them and helped out a great deal. My grandmother lived 3 blocks over from us and was always available to watch her grandchildren or help out when our mothers were working or had things to do. Things are different now. Families are just more spread out and the women in the families are working and just not as available to each other. My own mum was still working when DS1 was born. I think we've had to learn to be more self-sufficient and less dependent on family in raising our children than our mothers were.

As far as being the one to have to care for both one's own children and one's elderly relatives, we call that the 'sandwich generation' as in being in the middle of the two generations. It's not easy and my children were in their teens when their grandparents started needing a bit more help. I really feel for those who have young children and elderly family!!

I hope you're alright Dynasty . I'm glad you are seeing things more clearly, but I'd be nervous about your suggestions of childcare - a "babysitter" is of course very different to a qualified, experienced nanny or childminder. And it just seems wildly unrealistic to me to expect to put someone in your house, caring for your child AND watching over your grandparents, and expecting her to make sure your in-laws don't get involved in the child. If your husband can't control them, it's not fair to expect the nanny to do this.

By all means go out to work, it's great that you realised you have skills that are valued. But find someone out of the home that you can trust and be 100% comfortable with.

I still can't quite believe you're willing to postpone any trial separation until after the ILs leave (didn't you say they were planning to stay for 3 months?!). That's your call. But don't put yourself through more than you have to. You won't win any prizes for it.

By babysitter I did mean fully qualified childminder not some teen who up up a notice in the local corner shop. An update on my whole situation would be that my husband is starting to loose patience with his parents, he's been telling them off too when I've complained to him over various aspects. Last night we went for a meal, again a group of us and as soon as we got out the car his dad was snatching the pram off me wanting to push it, husband then told him off and said for him not to be so bossy and let me push it, petty I know you may think but as soon as we got to that restaurant as with every other minuet and aspect of care, they didn't even offer to hold our baba once not even for five minuets, I just think I care for baba 24 7, change all his nappies, do all his feeds, comfort him, wash his clothes, clean his bottles, take him for his injections and check ups, drive out to get milk powder in the early hours of the morning if its running low and put every aspect of his care before mine, naturally as any mother will do, I like pushing him in his pram, I like proudly peeking in at him, it doesn't take any strain off me them pushing him, I still have to walk behind them, I don't want to watch him being pushed away by someone who came over to stay at my house on the pretence of helping me only to make my life 10X more difficult just because they want to swan around with a pram and because it takes 0 extra effort to do, I can tell you now if there was no pram and we had to carry baba around there would be no offer of help. Once inside the restaurant though one of our group offered to hold our son when he was crying and was so natural with him, everyone was saying how good she was and her husband said she had so much experience as they had two sons, me and my husband know though that she also worked with her parents caring for their sons, but only when she was at work. Do you think Angela has more experience than your parents I asked him (he's now gone back to insisting his parents do have experience but they are too old and everything is soooo different to England for them to help, more on that later), he said "yes" without thinking then added "but she's much younger she has more energy", I was like "she's the same age as your parents and she works full time", quashing that arguement. He also told his mum off for laughing when baba was distressed waiting for his bottle, it made me furious , she comes in the room and laughs her head off while he's screaming and thrashing his arms around clearly frustrated and distressed, simple minds easily amused is the term that comes to mind, he told her stay out of the room when baba is crying and away from me.
He now says his parents can't care for a baby or help at all because everything is so different in England, since the lady in the restaurants proved it wasn't their age holding them back, 'what's so different?' you may ask just as I did, well they can't read the milk powder tin, hang on I thought as wr have tommee tippee milk machine, surely putting four scoops of powder into a bottle and pressing a button twice doesn't need you to be able to read a milk tin, I put that to him but that was met with some mumbled incoherent answer, there was no other explanation for what else was so different in England! Changing a nappy? Not letting babas head swing back unsupported? I let this drop because I don't really care why they don't help, I'm more angry that 1 they insisted they were coming to "help" knowing full well they wouldn't and 2 that they were allowed to come by husband.
I don't think they are "old" or "tired", I think they are quite simply lazy , when their son was young other family members cared for him 24 7 and waited on them hand and foot. They then retired in their late 40s, now they are grandparents in their 50s they expect us to wait on them, despite the fact we have a infant and a business! I'm not interested in doing that at all! It's unspoken between me and husband but we both know his parents are an annoyance and any excuse he has tried to come up with for them has been rubbished.
Also I'm going to work nights in a factory after Xmas, I have to work Xmas at my husbands business as it will be so busy, not for my husband, for baba, all our profit from there is for baba and I won't let that be ruined, the factory work will be pretty low paid but we won't need childcare and he can have a taste of caring for baba!

Husband also annoyed me yesterday, I had a hospital appointment so left baba with him, he was so good all day, he managed to get him to sleep, great until it comes to the night where he was awake for most of it! How thick can you be encouraging a baby sleep in the day, rocking him to sleep without even considering that he will be then awake all night while someone else deals with him!

Holy shit Op!

Send these two Muppets home, what are they still doing there?

My ILs are not great at looking after kids either....difference is when they come to stay (especially with a young baby in the house) they make themselves useful and cook meals for us all, clean up after themselves, do dishes, run errands -- generally make it less work for us rather than more! (And they're in their 60s)

Your ILs have no excuse - as you say, just lazy. They need to go!

I'm actually over the stage of being frustrated and down in the dumps over this and more, well, how can I put it, I'm not sure, I find it a bit funny how useless they are and all the excuses which husband knows and pathetic and stupid , the best one is that they had forgotten how to care for a baby even how to hold one properly because they are so old! I'm actually laughing as I type this. I think next time his mum(if there is a next time) stands there laughing while poor baba is crying I might just hand over baba and say "here you are, you find it hilarious, you find out what's wrong and you stop him screaming, I'm going out for 24 hours" walk out and drive off, of course I woud never leave him there with them, husband would never leave them alone with him (that is one thing he does insist, he won't even leave them alone in a room with baba) but for say an hour while he panicked and thought he would have to close his business and she panicked because she has no clue whatsoever and spends her time eating, mostly sleeping and watching films it would be a fair punishment!

I've really never known anyone sleep so much, get up 8ish then say from 2pmish until 6 asleep then its meal time, then its back in bed by 8 or 9 at the latest, husband doesn't realise how much time they spend sleeping, yesterday after that meal he shouted something to them in the back of the car, they were fast asleep, eyes closed, mouths open, he then said to me "they can't hear me in the back" lol, when we arrived home 30mins later he had to wake them up to groans of "are we home already", they were straight in bed, baba was crying but there was no 'do you need us to do anything?' There's not even been an offer to make a drink for us once in the two weeks they have been here, considering I care for a newborn 24 7 and they insisted they wanted to come to help its a poor poor show, in fact last night at that restaurant his dad poured out green tea for everyone except me, while I was sat there holding baba!

Why have you & baby not decamped to your sister's or a hotel? I'm glad you are able to vent your frustrations here, but really, you need to get away from this whole mess!

I thought DH was going to look into a short term rental for his parents? Frankly, I'd tell him to find one for ME if I was you!

Give them jobs. Tell them to make tea while you sort out the baby, for instance. If they don't then make tea for yourself only, and if they want some tell them you assumed they'd already had their own "shall I show you how the kettle works? I'm just putting my feet yp for while now". Stop running around after them.

Or go to your sister's for the rest of their stay. Really.

I'm going next week and to be honest I do feel more united with him now, he's been telling them off alot more and whenever I say anything about their behaviour that results in a telling off, he told them off for having the tv in their room on full blast, but they've broken that now anyway(a brand new tv I don't know how, husband ran straight to the iPad shop though in the hope to find something else to keep them entertained), before he was constantly sticking up for them and ignoring bad behaviour but there's only so many times you can stick up for some people and so much you can ignore, he's already reached the end of his tether 2 weeks after their arrival!

Oh Good! Next week can't come soon enough, I'm sure!

I'm not giving them jobs, last time I told them to vacum their room,after weeks of constant mes, they vacuumed up something, a pen I think so I came home to what the sounded like a tree strimmer at work because even though there was clearly something wrong with the vacuum, they carried on using it anyway until I came home and stopped them, the damage was done they had wrecked a perfectly good dyson! It was seriously like slamming my head up against a wall! These are educated people yet I find myself amazed they are still alive!

Just to add I don't run round after them, I find mess they've made/ stuff theyve broken and report it. It's down to their precious son to run round after them after all they are the "help" we so desperately need. It's not my fault they're here. It's not my fault they haven't lifted a finger to do anything other than cause a nuicence.

What is wrong with them?

They've broken a tv, a Dyson, emptied cupboards on the pretence of tidying them, they're vandalizing your house....how can grown adults be this incompetent?

And before dragging junk into your house and garden, destroying your greenhouse, drilling holes in walls? Wtf? Why didn't you stop then and Chuck them out?

Just tell them to go home before they destroy anything else. I don't understand why you're allowing this needless nonsense to continue?

That was their last visit, they've only managed to break the tv this time, which they bought! Last time I was very young and just married, perhaps weaker even, this time though I'm just not putting up with any more nonsense!