In laws!

[Dynasty1989]

So this is just a rant really, my son is under a month old an they have been living with us 1 week and 2 days! I always wanted time to recover before they turned up a minimum of six weeks but didn't stand my ground enough and got bullied into submission and oh how, i regret it, they are visiting from abroad for 3.5 months and they are a nightmare, they stayed us when we got married and it was hell, it was every day something, we were renting then and I got up every day to something broken, something blocked, holes drilled in walls, old furniture dragged in off the street, wood dragged into the garden with rusty nails then hammered into it an left to rot, raw meat splattered all over the inside of the fridge, the gas left on, wine spilled on the carpets ....... The list is endless but it was something everyday no exaggerating at the end I would get up find what the surprise was for the day and cry , it took around three months after they left to get the house up to a standard where I could get my deposit back, and it was me who had to do it all, the garden was my biggest annoyance as my father in law promised he would return it up to the same condition as he arrived but was full of rubble and trays of dirt, all the grass had died, the cute little green house my husband had bought me was smashed up, when he happily hopped into the car back to the airport, it looked as though he had started to tidy the mess then realised what work it was so left it! And now they're back, they wanted to come when I was pregnant but I said no, six weeks ideally three months alot of arguing with my husband and the flights were booked for five weeks after my due date, my beautiful son was born two weeks late meaning they arrived three weeks after he was born. I told my husband you know how much hard work they are, how can I deal with them and a newborn?you've got your own business now and I'll be left running around after them and a newborn on top, he would snap back he needed them, in his country the grandparents look after the children so the parents can get a good nights rest, he said they would cook all his meals for him and he knows they behaved badly last time but this time will be different as they will have a grandchild to care for so they will be preoccupied not bored and behave! Well they turn up and straightaway I see his mum attempting to hold our son with his head left unsupported, turns out husband's grandparents and aunt looked after him when he was a baby and they have no clue and won't be helping with our son at all, they are much worse behaved than last time and my husband says it is like having two toddlers to care for, they haven't cooked him a meal, he has to cook their meals they are constantly asking him to do this and that for them, drive them here, get them this. . . It's a nightmare. They spent three hours in the bathroom the other day, which I think is very inconsiderate especially considering I have just given birth less than a month ago! Later on that night I run myself a bath while I use the toilet and hop into it , I'm supposed to have two baths a day as it took them 30mins to stitch me up after the birth, I'm in it less than a minuet before my father in law is shouting through the door and I have to leave my bath because MIL needs the toilet, she then claims because she had to wait literally one minuet as i got out of there she has a UTI and sits on the toile for 90mins! Which she does all the time now! Imagine if they had been here while I was 42 weeks pregnant! My husband now just constantly sighs and mutters and complains they are running him ragged, he doesn't want to deal with them on his day off as he needs a day to relax and tries stay out of the house as long as possible as they always want something, I'm the one at home with them the most! How will I cope?

"he just shouted "I need them, it's not about you they'll leave you alone, I need them to care for me, to cook my meals"

Their actions affect you and they have not left you alone at all. They have totally imposed on you.

He's a manchild as well as being totally afraid of them too.

I would leave him and his parents to it, I cannot see your marriage at all lasting in such circumstances now.

I do think you need to go and stay at your sisters and leave him and his barking parents to it.
I also think the other job sounds great, that way your not beholden to him and his 'wage' it will pull the balance of power back to equal. If you were a 'normal' employee being wrongly blamed for someone else's errors, you'd grab that opportunity with both hands and go. Don't let the fact he's your boss change that, he obviously doesn't think that highly of you as an employee to blame you. It will also make things easier IF you do decide he isn't the H you married. You might find things improve if your not working together then again he might carry on being an arse

He sounds like an arrogant opinionated twat, tbh.

. watching with interest. In a similar boat with similar personalities. I thought all inlaws were like this! Its an eye-opener that your in laws behaviour are unusual

why are you putting up with him?

Hang on a sec - they have history for dragging rubbish from the street in to your property? Breaking things daily? Endangering you all by attacking the car driver? Refusing bathroom use to a new mum? Whining they're bored in the early hours? And your husband isn't remotely concerned about you, but wants them there to look after him - even though they don't?

This isn't just eccentric behaviour; this is insane. You didn't say what culture they come from (?) but I'm not convinced that's got anything to do with it really - no normal people behave like this

As others have said, I suggest you move to your sister's and think very carefully about whether you want to continue with a marriage like this

I always put up with tryin to sort out this other woman at work as he does work incredibly hard, he has apologised about her but it doesn't make nine months of running after her and being blamed unfairly for her mistakes dissapear. I stopped getting up in the night for our baba two days ago simply telling him, he's your son I'm tired out running after your parents and they are here to care for baba, you insisted on it! He knows that they couldn't carry out the simplest task not that they even wake when he cries, is just one big holiday for them and a chance to behave as badly as possible, knowing they can go home and its someone else's mess to clear up.

Puzzledandpissedoff but they are old (late 50s early 60s)!! That's always the answer! "Old" "old" "old", right up until they arrived all I got was "anyone else would be happy someone was coming to look after us"

Also I get his mum is "ill" "ill" "ill" like the time his mum isisted she didn't want to stop off at the services then said she needed the toilet right after we passed "ill", I don't think minor UTIs are that serious of an illness and if you get them easily perhaps you shouldn't refuse to go to the toilet then demand you need one when you know there isn't one available because you just passed the last one for 25 miles!

Well, that would be me written off by him - I'm 58 but still going strong!!

And "anyone else would be happy" to have their home wrecked? Yeah, right ... As with so many of this type it sounds like sheer attention-seeking combined with a huge dose of selfishness, and unfortunately your OH seems to have inherited it

I'm lucky enough to have wonderful friends from many different cultures, but I've never seen anything remotely like this - can I ask just what is their background??

Dynasty you've decribed some really appalling behaviour, I hope you can see from everyone's reactions that - as you know - the behaviour of you inlaws is outrageous. But your husbands behavious is ALSO totally unacceptable. Has has a responsibility to you and your child, and he is failing at this abysmally.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but it does sound like you don't really want to consider the advice being offered - ie everyone is saying you should try to get out of this situation, either by insisting the ILs leave, or packing off to your sisters for a while with the baby. That's fine - you can rant on here, and don't have to take on board the advice if you don't want to. But do think it over - you're living in a very stressful and drama-filled environment, which isn't going to be good for you or the baby. Some quiet time where you and baby can relax and bond is definitely advisable.

And for what it's worth, it's not necessarily a cultural thing. The idea of the Mother or MIL coming to stay to help out is a great one - if it works like that. My granny came to stay when I was born and my mother said she was a godsend. But that's because she literally ran around doing everything for a fortnight, left my mum to bond with me, and made herself scarse when my dad was around to allow family time. Everyone needs to put mum and baby at the centre of things. This is not what your DH or his parents are doing, and you need to put yourself somewhere where this can happen.

Don't spend money on a coach trip for them.

Spend it on flights back home within the next week if possible.

Tell your DH it is them or you. And mean it.

I have some sympathy for him. My DM is toxic, when I had my first DC, I thought that maybe she would change, that it would be all OK due to our joint love for her grandchild. God was I wrong. It was a bitter pill to swallow at the time. He could well be suffering from similar feelings of hurt and disappointment.

Clearly he now wants rid of them too. If he finds it hard to stand up to them, maybe you could offer to be the bad guy yourself and kick the bastards out. All he has to do is not cave in before they are on the flight back home.

They have no respect or love for you anyway so you are free to be as hard-nosed a bitch as you wish to be.

I don't think they are trying to be horrible I just think they are super inconsiderate, I tell you what hs mum said the other day , take into account his is a woman who can't pick up a baby or put on a nappy/dress a baby "I've got nothing to do later, ill give baba a bath" he told her no straight away. I've taken to snapping he isn't a toy. It's not tat I don't want to Akers and advice here, I woul love to turf them out I just think it would be easier to maybe have a trial separation after they have left!

I don't think they are trying to be horrible I just think they are super inconsiderate, I tell you what hs mum said the other day , take into account this is a woman who can't pick up a baby or put on a nappy/dress a baby "I've got nothing to do later, ill give baba a bath" he told her no straight away. I've taken to snapping "he isn't a toy".It's not that I don't want to take any advice here, I woul love to turf them out I just think it would be easier to maybe have a trial separation after they have left! Also I'm glad they are here running him ragged and being totally useless, they have proved me 100% right, had I insisted they not come all I would have gotten for the next ten years or more is "my parents wanted to come, they would have looked after us all, you were horrible, you wouldn't let them, we could have had an easy ride with them caing for us all, they would have looked after you when you were pregnant, the would have cared for baba better than you could have", there is no denying how awful they are all he can do is sit and scowl. I tell him "you got your own way, your parents got their own way, the only person who didnt get anything their way is me, i'm just a baby maker, what's the problem?" This used to upset him when I was sad and crying he would say "your our baby's mummy not a baby maker" but now I'm totally cold to him and it is getting to him he has said "i want my wife back".
I've suggested he take them to York on his next day off, won't that be lovely!
And the answer to the question alot of people has asked "chinese".

Damaged your marriage?!

There is no marriage.

This is a farce.

You are surrounded by absolute IDIOTS.

The only thing that should concern you is money. You've given this joker your savings. Do you have a joint account? Empty it, and go to your sister's. Divorce the knob, keep an interest in the house for your child.

Jesus Christ your life sounds like hell!

These people are not just "super inconsiderate" as you call them and they are not like this because of any supposed cultural differences. They are toxic and are thus bad news all round to have anywhere near you as a family unit. They also act like this partly because they can. They have by their conditioning of him reduced your DH to the pathetic specimen of a man he is now is. He cannot and will not stand up to them, you're taking all their flak also because of his own inertia. He would rather see you upset than they and his actions here too are hurting his own family unit i.e you and your child.

This is ruining what should be a really special time for you!!!!! Your hormones are all over the place anyway right now- you need to be somewhere safe and chilled and cosy and be looked after so all you have to worry about is bonding with/caring for your baby.

Have another go at speaking to your husband about sending his parents home. He needs to say that its not working and he didnt realise how hard it would be with you all in the same house with a new baby. If he refuses to do this, go and stay with your family

The thing is though the rest of my time my husband is not an idiot, yes I gave him my savings but he has earned that back X20 in a year and a half and someone else mentioned I should keep a interest in the house for my son, he has already bought my son a house which is let out!he can speak 5 languages, is an excellent business man and is brilliant at dealing with people, it is just his parents which have caused such issues, he couldn't get his head out of this fantasy land, you've maybe heard that joke Q"how do you know if your a chinese man?" A "your mum lives next door" and that is how all his friends in china live, their mums live next door,or two floor up etc and when they get up in the morning washed, fed changed baby comes round to say hello as mother makes them breakfast before they leave and after they have left mother cleans the house from top to bottom, do all the laundry and prepare dinner, the parents then come home to washed fed settled baby and a nice dinner on the table, they spend time with baby and whenever baby needs changing or feeding mother steps in, before baby is taken away as parents go for a good nights sleep, that's what he was convinced he would get, he convinced himself I was this selfish cow horrible to his parents, again this fantasy that as his parents would be occupied they would behave, I think he almost came to his senses when I said to him around a week before they arrived "so in china that is how they roll, but hang on a minuet that means your grandparents looked after you and they have 0 experience caring for a baby" he paused for a minuet then said "my mum looked after me alot too" but I could hear that doubt creeping in. I have always believed and voiced they would behave badly and he has always believed they would be the perfect help, only one of us could be right. I would say though one thing he lacks that I have is an excellent judge of character. It's also sad I do feel for him being stuck with a slacker of a member of staff but had my husband listened to me and sided with me and gotten someone else in I could have trained them and he would be fine now at work instead he's having to pick up her slack, as soon as he realised how awful she was he thought excellent my parents are coming wifey can come back weekends and then he realised his parents were awful, the rose tinted glasses had to come off and he's lost me completely it is a triple blow for him, I do feel sorry for him. I told him I was going to divorce him today and he almost couldn't function, he rang up to find out something from his accountant and wanted to hand the phone to me as he was unable to get his English out, I refused and told him "say no" to answer a question I had to repeat it again "say no", when he left for work I asked him what was wrong "ill" came the answer but he's not ill, he's broken a broken man.
Now I am looking to take up that job, I'm moving hubby to another room in the house until his parents are gone we will be working the same hours so he can deal with them as usual and i will care for baba, when we both leave for work we will have to get a babysitter in who can also care for the inlaws, baba is perfectly behaved but the problem is his parents, still if the babysitter says if your parents don't behave I'm quitting he will have to take action, quite ironic that he brought them over to care for us now we are having to get someone to mainly keep them under control while we are not here, even if we didn't have baba we would need a carer(or controller) to keep an eye on them. He initially said my pay might only cover childcare, maybe it will but then baba is our joint responsibility,he must pay half or I may insist two thirds as he earns so much,when I worked for him and he constantly shouted at me for others mistakes I actually believed I would never convince anyone to employ me! There was a time too years ago I felt he didnt love me very much so I worked super long hours and he appreciated me so much more, hopefully he will completely come to his senses this time too.

Dynasty - I'm having a bit of trouble keeping up with this thread because of your long single-paragraph posts - did you say that you have asked him for a divorce or a trial separation when his parents leave? Have you really decided to do that or are you just threatening him with it?

Also, I'm a bit concerned that you're leaving it to him to arrange childcare because I strongly suspect that it won't happen, and that he will try to give his mother "one more chance" - are you prepared for that to happen? I think if you want to be certain that your baby is being cared for properly, YOU will have to arrange childcare, preferably out of the house (because there's no reason on God's green earth why a childminder should have to keep an eye on 2 grown adults as well!!)

You mention that he was 'not an idiot' before, but I think I disagree. It sounds like he treated you as an underpaid, overworked skivvy in his business as well as when you stopped working due to being heavily pregnant. It sounds as if he expects you to be at his (and his parents's) beck and call. And as a 'whipping boy' for his failures to hire good help or get rid of them if they don't work out. Speaking multiple languages and running a successful business (apparently with a great deal of help from you!!) has nothing to do at all with whether or not he knows how to treat his wife. Many very rich, very successful men are real bastards. And many uneducated, minimally earning men are wonderful.

Whose name is this house for your son in? His? It should be in both your names in trust for your son. And again, whilst I think that is very nice on the surface, it still has nothing to do with how good of a man he is. A wise real estate purchase is a good investment and usually a good tax break! I doubt very much that this purchase was pure altruism on his part!

You must do what you feel will secure your happiness. But see the situation clearly. All of your problems will not magically disappear when your iLs leave for home (IF they ever do, that is!!). Your husband has deep cultural roots and there's nothing wrong with that. But you must decide if those cultural roots are compatible with the life YOU want to have!

I was thinking trial separation and I have threatened him with divorce but I think it is a real possibility, I would make sure there was a childminder there under strict instructions not to let precious mother care for baba.

I actually rang him around ten minuets ago and said I wanted him and his precious parents out after i found his dad pulling everythingnoutof a storage cupboard and he said he wold find a house over the weekend. That's one thing that was promised wouldn't happen after their last visit, last I went to the post office to pick up a parcel, ten minuets later I came back to them with the gas on and everything being taken out of the cupboards they were "tidying up" except the cupboards were already tidy and they can't tell the difference between pasta sauce and jam!

stop pussyfooting around him - tell him straight you're sick of his parents behavior and attitude and you're not tolerating it anymore. you have a responsibility to look after yourself and your dc and you don't seem to be actually doing anything about it apart from making suggestions which you know he will ignore.

Find them a HOUSE!!! Obviously they aren't going anywhere for a long, long, LONG time!!!

I hate to even suggest this, but could you be a 'visa' bride? Not a 'scam marriage' on your part, but could he have married you with a long range plan to get a permanent visa for himself and his parents?

No he already had indefinate leave to remain, when we married, his parents aren't moving here either, I don honestly believe he wouldn't let them after this farce, he's always insisted he wanted to move them here but after the first three days of them being here this time his tun changed from 'extending their visa,bringing them back later this year and bringing them over every year' to 'they're not coming back we can visit them" he would never send them back though!

^^ bringing them back later next year I meant.