In laws!

[Dynasty1989]

So this is just a rant really, my son is under a month old an they have been living with us 1 week and 2 days! I always wanted time to recover before they turned up a minimum of six weeks but didn't stand my ground enough and got bullied into submission and oh how, i regret it, they are visiting from abroad for 3.5 months and they are a nightmare, they stayed us when we got married and it was hell, it was every day something, we were renting then and I got up every day to something broken, something blocked, holes drilled in walls, old furniture dragged in off the street, wood dragged into the garden with rusty nails then hammered into it an left to rot, raw meat splattered all over the inside of the fridge, the gas left on, wine spilled on the carpets ....... The list is endless but it was something everyday no exaggerating at the end I would get up find what the surprise was for the day and cry , it took around three months after they left to get the house up to a standard where I could get my deposit back, and it was me who had to do it all, the garden was my biggest annoyance as my father in law promised he would return it up to the same condition as he arrived but was full of rubble and trays of dirt, all the grass had died, the cute little green house my husband had bought me was smashed up, when he happily hopped into the car back to the airport, it looked as though he had started to tidy the mess then realised what work it was so left it! And now they're back, they wanted to come when I was pregnant but I said no, six weeks ideally three months alot of arguing with my husband and the flights were booked for five weeks after my due date, my beautiful son was born two weeks late meaning they arrived three weeks after he was born. I told my husband you know how much hard work they are, how can I deal with them and a newborn?you've got your own business now and I'll be left running around after them and a newborn on top, he would snap back he needed them, in his country the grandparents look after the children so the parents can get a good nights rest, he said they would cook all his meals for him and he knows they behaved badly last time but this time will be different as they will have a grandchild to care for so they will be preoccupied not bored and behave! Well they turn up and straightaway I see his mum attempting to hold our son with his head left unsupported, turns out husband's grandparents and aunt looked after him when he was a baby and they have no clue and won't be helping with our son at all, they are much worse behaved than last time and my husband says it is like having two toddlers to care for, they haven't cooked him a meal, he has to cook their meals they are constantly asking him to do this and that for them, drive them here, get them this. . . It's a nightmare. They spent three hours in the bathroom the other day, which I think is very inconsiderate especially considering I have just given birth less than a month ago! Later on that night I run myself a bath while I use the toilet and hop into it , I'm supposed to have two baths a day as it took them 30mins to stitch me up after the birth, I'm in it less than a minuet before my father in law is shouting through the door and I have to leave my bath because MIL needs the toilet, she then claims because she had to wait literally one minuet as i got out of there she has a UTI and sits on the toile for 90mins! Which she does all the time now! Imagine if they had been here while I was 42 weeks pregnant! My husband now just constantly sighs and mutters and complains they are running him ragged, he doesn't want to deal with them on his day off as he needs a day to relax and tries stay out of the house as long as possible as they always want something, I'm the one at home with them the most! How will I cope?

I don't understand your lack of willingness to do something or ask DH to. They are (possibly deliberately) causing damage to your property, costing you money, and have caused a small fire in your kitchen (did I understand that right?)

You said you can't ask them to leave because they are Chinese, but you've not really explained further. Is this due to cultural notions of behaviour towards guests/politeness? I presume this code of conduct comes with expectations of a certain level of behaviour from the guests, have they adhered to those? Or do they really get Carte Blanche to act how they like, as they are guests? Or, is this just how their family do things? Apologies if this is an offensive question, BTW, I just really don't understand you & your DH's stance on this.

Trouble is, OP, the "cultural expectations" which you feel prevent you from removing them are exactly the same ideas which will make them feel able to return - and the same ones which may lead to your husband supporting their return "because they learned their lesson last time, and they're old so we should make allowances for them"

Sooner or later you'll have to decide if this is the sort of life you want to lead ...

Puzzled has hit the nail on the head. This isn't just about THIS visit. It's about future visits as well. Is this what you want every year (or however frequently) for the rest of your life? Because if you don't do something about it now, you're basically telling your DH that their behaviour is still 'acceptable'. Or at least 'tolerable'.

What would they have to do for you and dh to turf them out? Pee on the carpet? Poison you?

Hi OP, sounds like it's been a real trial. Just out of curiosity may I ask if you are Chinese or English? I was just wondering how well they are able to communicate with you and vice versa. They obviously can't read English and don't speak if well, and a lot of things that we take for granted living day to day here is actually very alien in China and indeed the rest of the world.

I say this because relatively few people in China would have a Hoover in their homes, as not many homes are carpeted. It would be the norm to use a broom to sweep the floor and then wet mop afterwards, so if I had a guest from China I would have to explicitly show them to to operate the Hoover and give specific instructions that water and large pieces of debris should not be hoovered up.

I would also need to show them how every single piece of electrical equipment in the house operates, especially if they cannot read English. I say this as an overseas Chinese living here. They may not be very good around the house generally anyway but perhaps it's best to assume the will need everything explaining from scratch. You said they are well educated, most upper middle class Chinese I know actually have housekeepers to do their housework. Is this the case for your in laws?

Reading what you have written it doesn't sound like they are maliciously causing mischief but that they are bored and out of their comfort zone, and their expectation of how this trip would be are in direct contrast to yours and your husbands. He was expecting them to cook and clean and look after your family unit, but they are expecting to play with their grandchild and not have to do the heavy lifting.

You and your husband do have a choice here. You can have a sit down with them and discuss how things need to change in order to salvage the family relationship, and lay out what you expect of them in terms of behaviour, but you must be fair and recognise that they are very out of their depth in a foreign country.

Or you could insist they go back now. They may be relieved, they may be upset. They will almost certainly be hurt though. Your husband is their only child, and your children will be their only grandchildren. Confucianism and it's worship of filial piety is so deeply ingrained in Chinese culture that I can completely understand why it would be seen as unthinkable.

I know I am going against the tide of the thread but I genuinely don't see them as being malicious and causing trouble on purpose, more like bumbling and out of their depth, with a dose of inconsideration. This visit was poorly timed and way too long. I can understand the timing in a way because the baby's full moon (at 1 month old) is a considered very very important and most grandparents would try and be there for it.

The weeks immediately after baby's birth are difficult enough without this extra stress so you have my sympathies and it doesn't look like things can carry on as they are, but I just wanted to put across an alternative viewpoint because it is easy to blow up and cause irreparable damage to familial relationships when everyone is living in a pressure cooker environment.

Thank you, Fibi, that helps explain things somewhat.

I don't know why MIL would laugh at baby crying, though.

This visit is way too long. Started when baby was three weeks old, a newborn, and is to go for months yet. It's precious time for new parents, and the IL's are causing much distress.

But even if they aren't doing it maliciously, the visit just isn't working. They are rapidly 'destroying' OP's home. I would think that DH could explain this to his parents and tell them to stop trying to 'help' unless they specifically are asked and are supervised. Frankly, it would be easier on me (if this was me) if the PiLs just sat on their bums all day, even if I had to bring them food whilst they sat there! Especially if there was a language barrier.

If what Fibi says is so as far as their domestic knowledge, I look at it like this; if I was in a woodworker's shop or in a mechanic's garage I certainly wouldn't start to use his power tools or try to install a motor because I know NOTHING about either the tools or the procedures. The same goes for DH's parents. If they have never used a certain item before, they should be told not to touch it or use it unless/until they have been shown.

Been a long time since I posted and I really tried to be nice about in laws before but they are stupid, lazy, selfish and greedy, they're not old, they're not ill, they are also gone, I need to surgery after my forceps delivery and I out right said I wouldn't even consider it with his daft mother sat on the toilet for most of the time she is awake or with her demanding the bathroom be evacuated whenever I am taking a quick bath because she gets all worked if she doesn't have immediate access to the only toilet in the house! She doesn't have bladder condition she if fine when eating a meal or talking to a friend but laps up the attention when she shouts she needs a wee when she knows there isn't a toilet around, take her to meadow hall and she is fine for five hours , get her in the car and that bladder condition re appears.
They are lazy especially his mother, she sleeps for around 18 hours a day and doesn't lift a finger to help just makes a mess, after they left I was confronted with a fridge full of rotting veg, fold up chairs unfolded and piled high with shopping , my printer thrown off the floor and packets of crisps and biscuits piled high on the table it was on, the dining table covered in actual rubbish empty peanut tins, empty noodle packets, full packets of noodles hidden under old newspapers, manuals for every accessories in the house thrown around, photos pulled from various albums including my wedding and ones of dead relatives I can't get a copy of.covered in greasy fingerprints dumped on the table, a case of coke under the table it was awful. There was a suggestion here saying I should show them how to use everything, my husband did and they still break everything they touch, I don't have time to supervise them or show them again when I am looking after a baby, I still work, accounts at home, going to suppliers and I've had to go into work with baba behind the reception desk, he is very good, very quiet so I don't have time to look after two grown toddlers that can't be disciplined!
His mother is 55 and shouldn't be treated like she is 103 I've pointed out that my husband employs people almost ten years older than her to work a 60 hour week to him and that's when he had to face that maybe she isn't that old just because she retired 20 years ago!
They wrote husband a list of stuff they wanted too, it covered 2 pages of a4 considering it is in Chinese characters too it was massive and my husband had to change his tune of "they just want a few gifts" after we handed over £560 in one go at next and carried on all Boxing Day getting everything they wanted costing not hundreds but thousands!
So to sum it up my husband has stuck to his word of them not coming back, I know he would never say that if he didn't mean it, he also said his other isn't ill another big thing for him to say and he agreed his parents were lazy, messy and greedy!

Across the pond you are so right, I wouldn't try my hand at dentistry or re healing a shoe etc, I don't know how so I wouldn't try it. I would be happy for them to com and do nothing as long as they behaved and didn't make a mess but they get bored then come up with their genius plans of "building a shoe cupboard" or "knocking through a wall to make it open plan" and if someone isn't constantly keeping an eye on them then trouble begins!