Four threads to freedom! Divorcing Twatchops once and for all

[thenamehaschanged]

Still can't copy and paste links but my last thread was New name, new game, less stress, more progress!

This really, really is the last one now - I hope that my story has helped anybody breaking free from abuse - it's bloody hard but you can do it!

Don't worry about the floundering, it was always going to be a roller-coaster , and I expect that it will be for a while to come yet. There are going to be days when you feel like hiding away from the world - geeze, I feel like that right now, and I haven't nearly gone through what you are going through!

It is completely fine for you to feel the way you feel. Acknowledge that you are feeling sad/crappy/distraught/whatever, and be very, very kind to yourself in those times. By having some self-compassion for you when you are feeling low, you are acknowledging that your emotions are important, and you are thereby acknowledging that you are important. The self-care aspect of the emotional roller-coaster will help you weather the lows, and hopefully get them to reduce faster.

Take care of yourself Name, do the things that you know will help you feel better. Is it taking a hot bath? Reading a good book? Going for a walk? Hugging your daughters until they squeal? Find those things that lift your spirits and do some of them just for you

Also, what has helped me when I was floundering was to remind myself that no matter what emotion I felt right now, right at this moment, in half and hour I could feel different, tomorrow I would probably feel different, and in a few days I would definitely feel different. Emotions are fleeting and transitory, so allow them to come and go as they please. This is where the saying "And this too, shall pass" is very, very important

Thank you so much Zazzles as always the dd's are getting plenty of hugs and yes ok you're right - just acknowledge I'm down and that's ok and to be expected - thank you

Ahh yes agreed! Thank you

BBC 6 music is GREAT in the morning x

Don't worry about the kids, when I got back from abroad after leaving abusive marriage my two didn't go to school for the whole of January, due to finding a place. Sometimes we went to a museum, or watched a documentary, mostly we just chilled out. 4 years on, they are doing better than fine

Sometimes we went to a museum, or watched a documentary, mostly we just chilled out.

That sounds just lovely FightingFires, and just the ticket for those times when the lows hit and you want to hunker down and feel 'at home'.

That was lovely thank you FF glad your DC are doing great and I'll have a look at radio 6!

Agreed Zazzles

How's your fitness? Hard exercise is brilliant as a release, especially if you have all those fight or flight hormones coursing through your veins. It is well known to help depression and anxiety.

At particularly bad times I have cried my heart out while running through the fields. No-one notices: red, puffy and damp are expected side-effects of hard exercise. You can feel smug all day afterwards too.

If you turn up to the school run in fitness gear a few times, I bet before long the runners and zumba-ers etc will strike up a conversation with you. It gives people a conversation opener and a potential common interest to discuss. There is always a group of mums trying to get in shape. In my experience, they are usually welcoming to newcomers. Great way to get to know people.

I like XFM in the morning, Jon Holmes cheers me up in the morning. I also like Radio 4 Today because it makes me think about world issues, which sometimes helps to keep life in perspective.

Glad that helped I'm one of your many lurkers cheering you on!

You're doing so well.

Oh yes, well said Zazzles!

Name, you must say what you want to say, and feel what you feel, it's all ok.

And you don't have to do 'brave faces' here, that's the point of the thread

One of the best lines in a film was from Tootsie. Dusti Hoffman breaks up with Teri Garr and he tells her 'Oh, don't feel that way' when she says she is sad and she says "Don't tell me how to feel! I'm going to feel this way until I don't feel this way anymore!". Very wise. We have to get our feelings 'out' it doesn't do any good to suppress or deny them

So you just feel sad until you don't feel sad any more. Because then you'll feel happy for a long, long time!

Dustin, not Dusti!!

Name you feel what you feel. Im sorry i havent been around on your threads much in recent days. You are doing bloody brilliantly though.

...and she says "Don't tell me how to feel! I'm going to feel this way until I don't feel this way anymore!"

I cannot stress how important this is, even though it is completely contrary to how society and families generally teach us about dealing with emotions. Squashing, denying, burying, and ignoring your emotions eventually leads to anger, bitterness and depression, and is a one-way trip to the counselor's couch. Allowing your emotions air-time and a voice until they subside of their own accord, is so, so, so much healthier

I think many of us are guilty of panicking that how we feel right now is how we will always feel.

I also have moments where I feel happy and that panics me too as it is such a rare feeling and it makes me scared .

Of course...Tootsie! One of my all time favourite films and I know that scene. Great shout Pond, thank you. You lot are all so bloody switched on, you really are - because of you all I have been gradually unpicking years of conditioned thinking, bot from my parents and then H.

Thanks Zazzles, brilliant hey Darkest lovely to see you

Thanks everyone - well, that was my last drink last night. I'm going to finish the fags I've got today then it'll be the patches again. H is having the girls tomorrow so I'm going to go the gym I think, and then get myself some nice pampering stuff for the bath. Feeling alright so far today!

I've asked my mum for a Tiffany voucher for Christmas by the way. We were talking Christmas last night and I told her I'm going to get myself a Tiffany Key necklace and she can give me something towards it - I told her what the key represents and so she was all for it

I'm going to finish the fags I've got today then it'll be the patches again.

I'm going to go the gym

get myself some nice pampering stuff for the bath

I've asked my mum for a Tiffany voucher for Christmas

So I told her I'm going to get myself a Tiffany necklace and she can give me something towards it

I told her what the key represents and so she was all for it

Good for you Name . The stuff I have highlighted are the sort of things that will help you feel better and better. They are a combination of good things you are going to do for yourself, and good interactions that you have had with people. This is a very important part of staying 'happy' - get more good in your life and reduce, reduce, reduce the bad.

There is a little known wisdom that says a bad interaction has 5x the affect that a good interaction has - ie, when something bad happens to you, you feel 5x worse, and conversely, when something good happens to you, you only feel 1x as good. That is why it is better to just get rid of the crap people/situations in your life, and replace them with nice, good people and positive situations

KOKO Name, treat yourself well, have only people around you who treat you well, and you will get there

Good for you, Name. But don't take on too much - and don't beat yourself up if not all of it takes. :)

Oh, I'm so glad I suggested it!

It's a good thing to treat ourselves and a good thing to have a reminder of the fact that we are stronger than we think we are.

Oh thanks Zazzles that's lovely you did that for me - feeling really motivated today actually - my mum said I was getting my mojo back haha!

Thanks Henrietta

Haha yes thank you so much Pond - I had a look at Tiffany Keys, there are some really lovely ones - some obviously at £4-6000 I won't be wearing unfortunately haha, but there are ones for £140-£160 also so if my mum gives me a bit towards it, it can be a present to myself which I have never really done actually!

I'm a great believer in giving oneself gifts. It doesn't matter if it's a Tiffany necklace or a chocolate bar. It's the fact of saying 'I deserve this, I am worthy'. As women & mothers we often put ourselves and our wants second to our family's.

It was actually my DH who pointed it out to me, how often I didn't buy myself even simple things because I didn't 'need' them, I just 'wanted' them. You know what the 'ah-ha moment' was? A packet of hair roller clips. I put them back because I didn't 'need' them, I just 'wanted' them because they would make rolling up my hair easier than the old bobby pins I used. He put them back in the cart and asked me didn't I think I was worth $1.99? $1.99!!! Something just clicked and I realized I am worth much, much more than that!!!

Aw Pond that's lovely and so true!! got a friend coming over tonight so looks like it'll be one more night of wine and then that's it, that's really it....honest!

Gifts for oneself: when I was divorcing, my mom happened to know a woman who was a jewelry wholesaler. Due to her own pending nightmare of a divorce, she was very sympathetic. (Nothing like coming home from a business trip to find your macho rancher husband in bed with his machi rodeo cowboy lover!) She bought my wedding set at a mates rate (turns out that little diamond was surprisingly damned good, but gold prices were in the dumps at the time.) I then purchased a beautiful birthstone ring at mates rate, as I had always wanted a really nice ring with my birthstone.

I havent worn it in years but it is still the ring of ME, MYSELF & I and pleases me greatly when I come across it.

Macho cowboy lover even