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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please can you give me some perspective on this?

113 replies

hugebiguglymess · 10/11/2014 18:47

I name changed for this as I don't want any of the details of my current situation to change what people think about the latest development.

Last night my husband and I had a silly row. It wasn't over anything important and we probably could have both responded better to it. He left the room and I carried on doing what I was doing. About 5 or 10 minutes later I went into the kitchen where he was and he was putting his phone back in his pocket. He then said 'I am very calm as I am ending it. I can't do this anymore. I have text your parents to let them know'.

I feel lots of things about this, but mainly that it was entirely inappropriate to inform my parents of this before me. Am I being over sensitive? Is this actually no big deal?

OP posts:
ConstantAcceleration · 10/11/2014 18:50

Err, of course it's a big deal! That's ridiculous and sounds like it was planned before this latest row.

Sorry to hear this, hope you're okay.

Rollercola · 10/11/2014 18:51

Seems very odd that he would contact your parents. Surely they would be told of any big decisions like this by you not him. Did he tell his parents as well?

JeanSeberg · 10/11/2014 18:52

Has this come from nowhere? You seem very calm...

Original poster
hugebiguglymess · 10/11/2014 18:52

No, as far as I am aware my parents were the only people he contacted

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 10/11/2014 18:52

Sounds really weird, is he controlling? It sounds like the kind of thing a controlling/EA (NPD?) person would do.

CleanLinesSharpEdges · 10/11/2014 18:52

He text your parents before he even told you? That's odd. But sounds like he's made his mind up.

wallaby73 · 10/11/2014 18:54

Erm, have you heard from your parents to confirm this? Or is he playing games?

AnyFucker · 10/11/2014 18:55

Have your parents confirmed this ?

I more suspect that was some other woman on the end of the phone.

TheLittleOneSaidRollOver · 10/11/2014 18:56

Bizarre.

Have you texted his parents? And asked them if he can go to live with them until he gets a flat?

Has he moved out yet?

Original poster
hugebiguglymess · 10/11/2014 18:56

There has been a lot of build up with a lot of ugliness. I suggested a week or so ago that perhaps a trial separation might be beneficial, but we decided we would keep trying until after Christmas.

He didn't leave. In fact he doesn't want us to separate as far as I can make out.

OP posts:
Comito · 10/11/2014 18:58

Er what? That's utterly bonkers and totally unacceptable if true. Have your parents confirmed it? My initial suspicion would be that he's saying it to shit stir and make you feel bad.

KissMyFatArse · 10/11/2014 18:58

He's ending it but doesn't want to separate? Am I missing something?

Original poster
hugebiguglymess · 10/11/2014 18:59

My mum called pretty much straight away to ask what was going on so it was definitely her he text.

OP posts:
aturtlenamedmack · 10/11/2014 18:59

You need to then. He's trying to belittle you. You don't need a man like that.

Original poster
hugebiguglymess · 10/11/2014 19:01

It is confusing. He told me (after texting my mum) that he was ending it, but then nothing happened and he has said since that he wants us to work.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 10/11/2014 19:01

I had an ex do this to me once. He was cheating....

AnyFucker · 10/11/2014 19:02

is he trying to raise questions about your mental health or capacity ?

Original poster
hugebiguglymess · 10/11/2014 19:05

I'm not sure. I just find it totally weird that I wasn't the first to know. He is married to me not my parents - I'm not sure what it really has to do with them or why they needed to be told fist.

OP posts:
midgeymum2 · 10/11/2014 19:09

Why is he trying to undermine you? What he has done is very disrespectful. And why is he back tracking now? Is he trying to force a situation he is not quite ready to face?

AnyFucker · 10/11/2014 19:09

Now might be time to fill in the context and background

I am not sure that people can advise you appropriately otherwise

JeanSeberg · 10/11/2014 19:11

I wouldn't waste energy trying to work out what he's planning at. I'd go straight to getting rid.

What has the previous ugliness been about?

Only1scoop · 10/11/2014 19:12

Is he immature himself....is he a run to parents type....

Is he trying to make you out to be inadequate in some way?

magoria · 10/11/2014 19:12

It seems very cold and calculated.

Now you have your parents involved and asking you WTF. He can sit back and relax leaving that fall out to you because no one on his side knows. If you don't separate then it is all still only your family side that have been involved and who will be questioning you about it.

Perhaps he is trying to get you to back off and be a good little wife by this roundabout method of threatening you. Hence no further action.

Have you been to a solicitor just to know where you stand?

Original poster
hugebiguglymess · 10/11/2014 19:13

Thank you everyone. It is all very long and complicated and I'm not sure what happens next. But it doesn't look good from where I'm standing. Not that it did before last night but now it looks even worse.

OP posts:
ChillySundays · 10/11/2014 19:15

Petty I know but I would text his family and tell them