Please can you give me some perspective on this?

[hugebiguglymess]

I name changed for this as I don't want any of the details of my current situation to change what people think about the latest development.

Last night my husband and I had a silly row. It wasn't over anything important and we probably could have both responded better to it. He left the room and I carried on doing what I was doing. About 5 or 10 minutes later I went into the kitchen where he was and he was putting his phone back in his pocket. He then said 'I am very calm as I am ending it. I can't do this anymore. I have text your parents to let them know'.

I feel lots of things about this, but mainly that it was entirely inappropriate to inform my parents of this before me. Am I being over sensitive? Is this actually no big deal?

No, okay, those are good steps. But AnyFucker is right, anything can delay moving. I delayed due to a holiday in September, and DS' birthday in October. Then of course there was Christmas. My mum bless her had had enough and booked Christmas in the lake district for me, her, DSis and my DS and I left on 1 December. Christmas was weird but so free.

It turned out later that I'd left on my ex-MIL's birthday, so it's true there is never a right day!

Five years ago this year :) I have never ever once looked back and now am doing all sorts that I never even dreamed of back then in that suffocating horrible place.

Parts of it take their time to leave you. I had a talk with DH today about whether he wanted me to (ie, whether I was allowed to) buy a 22€ duvet from primark. He was totally confused that I was even asking, and then I tried to explain a bit more, and then he realised. And so patiently as he always does he explained the rules of normal relationships to me (which I know - I tell people on here all the time, but you somehow forget that it applies to you, too) and that he wants me to buy things if I see them and they would improve my life, he doesn't want me to consult him first, he just wants me to do it.

I still have the fog actually. Maybe 2015 will be the year I shift it. But that's by the by - even with the fog, being out is like having fog lights if you like.

Anyway, I'm going to bed, but good luck - push the separation now if you can, now it's out in the open. It's far enough away from Christmas that it won't be associated with it. I haven't seen your other threads, how old are the DC?

Between 2 and 6.

It's good to hear peoples positive outcomes from leaving. Makes me think there might be a light at the end of the tunnel for me too.

your dc are so young

they will simply accept a change in circumstances after a little while, and then their busy little lives will go on as if nothing ever happened

you are going to run out of time on that score though

your 6yo will be clocking the dynamic between hi/her parents and absorbing some damaging lessons already

don't let that light at the end of the tunnel keep receding...run after it, run

Now is a good time to change. The dust will have settled by Christmas, and you and the kids can start the new year on a positive note.

Yep second what AnyFucker said

Your 2 yr old wont be bothered and your 6 yr old will be starting to pick things up

Get out now, don't wait any longer

Please get your kids away from this man. My mum left my dad when I was eight, and although I loved him I was so relieved! You all deserve much more.

Also Christmas is statistically a stressful time, much better to get rid of him and have a stress-free Christmas, OP. Especially now that he has done you the favour of breaking the news to your parents.

Tell me that you couldn't possibly explain his continued presence to your parents after the text he sent.

My parents seem quite keen for us to keep 'trying'. I think they are very worried about the situation but they haven't actually said 'get out'. They keep suggesting more counselling or mediation so we can fix it.

What do you think about the comments above, regarding the flip side of your mum's advice?

Is she in full possession of the facts? Would you advise your daughter to stay with a man who has raped her?

She is as of about a week ago. I told her that if it was one of my children I would be encouraging them to leave.

But they don't know all of the facts, do they? If they knew their daughter had been raped and was now in such a fog that she didn't know which way was up, I think their opiopinion would be vastly different

Well in that case...you don't need to use others as a barometer to what you will accept. Some people can be quite 'traditional' about marital rape and still see women as a possession...doesn't mean you have to. You know in your heart this is fucked up just picture yourself a year from now. Do you want to be preparing for Christmas with your 2 dc with a controlling arsehole and an atmosphere of confusion and sadness or do you want to be free and in control of your (and your dcs) happiness?

They do know, that is what is so confusing and I guess disappointing that they are happy for me to stay. Confusing because they don't seem to think it is bad enough for there to be no way back.

If one of my DDs told me what you have told your parents, I would go fucking nuclear, his worst nightmares would seem like a happy place and my DD and their kids would be moving in with me immediately and I'd be hiring a solicitor for them.

I am so so sorry your parents have reacted this way, I'm gobsmacked. Keep posting, keep up with the counselling and you will be strong enough to tell him to get to fuck one day.

Ask them outright would they support you if you left. It might be that they are frightened of pushing your support away and think that you want to stay.

Yes it might mean going it alone if they are not supportive but I think it's better to know that rather than keep going along with this dance.

Disappointing?!?! It's fucking incredible!!!! Either they have not understood and grasped the full facts or they are deeply uncaring and callous people.

I'm so sorry for their response and that their reaction has made you doubt yourself, it must have taken a lot of courage to tell them the truth.

If my children ever came to me to tell me something similar, my reaction would be the same as spuffysummer. His behaviour is completely unacceptable and you must not put up with it, you deserve better.

OP - controlling, much? So he's done the 'grand gesture' - now what? You said you'd leave, but you haven't. Now he has taken it out of your hands and told your parents - what will you do now?

And NO, your children WILL NOT 'hate you for breaking up the happy family'!!! You are the adult here - you must do what is necessary to protect them, you and him. A 'perfect' family may be mum, dad and dc, but if one or more of those members treats another without total love and respect, it is no longer the ideal family. The next best thing is a smaller unit, mum and dc, and dad and dc, who can still treat each member of the little team with love and respect.

They are more likely to be disappointed in you, teaching your daughter that she will not be valued, an equal, in a relationship, and cannot expect even a basic level of respect. Your son will be bewildered when each relationship he is in, ends because of his treatment of any prospective woman.

I don't see how this can be fixed. I don't see any way back as too much has happened. I just need to think practically now as to what happens next and what we say to the children.

It is very sad as I loved him so much. But nothing is changing.

I meant every word when I said I would leave if he was abusive again, but I have trouble recognising when his behaviour crosses that line.

Hasn't he already abused you enough? What else do you need him to do to you for you to get the message? Again, I'm sorry to sound harsh, I know that none of this is your fault and you are clearly trying to make changes.

I think it is time to start making those practical steps happen. The more practical steps you take to get away, the more perspective you yourself will gain on his behaviour. You need distance, physical and emotional, to see it for what it is.

Value your love and give it to someone who deserves it.

I have trouble recognising when his behaviour crosses that line. - no, you do recognise it; that's why you start threads about it. Then you get 100+ posts telling you that yes, he is being abusive, but i get the feeling you are waiting for the one who will say, actually, it's fine. Do xxx and it'll be fine, he will love you properly, and you'll live happily.....

Nope. He IS abusive, your dc may be damaged by living with you as a couple, you certainly are being damaged; so much so that you can't see when you are being damaged.

his behaviour has crossed the line, scrubbed out the line and replaced the line with a pile of shit

I agree with ptumbi...you do actually know what he does is wrong or else you wouldn't be here.

Something has to change, and you have to be the one to do it. That really is the bottom line.

Otherwise, here we all will be the next time. Over and over and over.

All true. I do recognise it but I always doubt my judgement. I think I must have got it wrong/misunderstood/over reacted.

Have all these people, on this thread and your others, all sayign the same thing not convinced you yet that your instinct is actually perfectly intact ?