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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please can you give me some perspective on this?

113 replies

hugebiguglymess · 10/11/2014 18:47

I name changed for this as I don't want any of the details of my current situation to change what people think about the latest development.

Last night my husband and I had a silly row. It wasn't over anything important and we probably could have both responded better to it. He left the room and I carried on doing what I was doing. About 5 or 10 minutes later I went into the kitchen where he was and he was putting his phone back in his pocket. He then said 'I am very calm as I am ending it. I can't do this anymore. I have text your parents to let them know'.

I feel lots of things about this, but mainly that it was entirely inappropriate to inform my parents of this before me. Am I being over sensitive? Is this actually no big deal?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/11/2014 19:17

..and after you have done that, get the suitcases out and invite him to fuck right off

why is even still there ?

AnyFucker · 10/11/2014 19:17

why is he

tawdryslapper · 10/11/2014 19:21

He's a game-player. He is playing with your head and trying to manipulate you into doing what he wants. He probably wants you to beg him to stay or try to work things out, so that he can let it all slide for a few weeks/ months and then pull the same stunt again next time you bruise his tender little ego.

Unfortunately I know this pattern of behaviour rather well - my husband does exactly the same thing (with depression-fuelled self-pity and heavy drinking thrown in for good measure). He has told he our marriage is over and he is going to leave me three times in the past two years, including on New Years Eve just after midnight when all our friends were happily snogging each other. I have told him that I think this is a good idea and am waiting for him to go....but he won't go.

Texting your parents is both massively disrespectful and a total headfuck. He is not a nice man. I would not want to be married to him.

Darkesteyes · 10/11/2014 19:23

Its controlling and calculating that he has contacted your parents. Smells of manipulation to me.

Are they the sort that will defer to a man and tell you to try harder to be "the good little wife" OP?

velouria · 10/11/2014 19:28

It's deeply weird, my ex took to messaging MY sister on fb, when we were splitting, telling her lots of details I'd rather she hadn't of known. Funnily enough neither of us were impressed and he is very firmly now an ex. Smacks of the same very odd behaviour.

Vivacia · 10/11/2014 19:32

Why are you still in the same house as him? Either send him on his way, or pack yourself a bag, which ever is easiest.

snowflake02 · 10/11/2014 19:43

I am the OP, I can 'reveal' myself now I know that I'm not over reacting to at the very least think it is odd behaviour. Just wanted all the other stuff left out of the equation to start with. (Can't remember how to link to previous threads for the background info)

midgeymum2 · 10/11/2014 19:45

Can you tell us "all the other stuff" now?

Vivacia · 10/11/2014 19:45

Snowflake Sad

Why are still there? Why are you dissecting this latest mind-fuck from him?

AnyFucker · 10/11/2014 19:50

this thread ?

snowflake02 · 10/11/2014 19:51

I know. I really tried with suggesting the trial separation. I never know if he really is fucking with my head or if I'm just over reacting as he thinks it is all so normal. I don't think I know what normal looks like anymore.

snowflake02 · 10/11/2014 19:51

That's the one, thank you

AnyFucker · 10/11/2014 19:53

If he still can't see what he has done, or if there is ever any further abuse of any sort I will end it.

This is what you said on that thread. Yes, your husband raped you. Yes, you should end it.

AnyFucker · 10/11/2014 19:54

Out of interest, when your H called your parents and said your marriage was over, did he confess to raping you ? What with him wanting everything out in the open 'n' all...

snowflake02 · 10/11/2014 20:00

He has now apologised for that and he does seem genuinely sorry now. Which I suppose makes it harder to end it because he is trying. That probably makes no sense.

GoldfishCrackers · 10/11/2014 20:05

Oh snowflake I'm so sorry you're still with him. He's not a good man. Not a good husband. And certainly not a good father. He won't stop hurting you until you get away from him. He has messed with your head to the extent that you're not sure if his cruel and criminal behaviour is reasonable or not.

If your friend, daughter or sister was with a man who had raped them, then apologised, then denied it. And then did weird and disrespectful stuff like texting their parents to say they were finished, what would you advise? And if she said, but he can be lovely at times when he's not being a total bastard, he can be generous etc, would that matter?

Your DC deserve better than living with such a nasty abusive bastard. So do you.

AnyFucker · 10/11/2014 20:09

He isn't trying anything new. He is still fucking with you. It's just with your head now instead of your body. It's simply another string of his abuse of you.

cailindana · 10/11/2014 20:09

He's trying? Trying to do what? He raped you and now he's acting like a weird child, telling tales to your parents. Why would you even want to talk to him?

moraf2 · 10/11/2014 20:10

Very confusing story. Not enough details to be able to comment rationally. Have to echo that more background would help.
Good luck though, I get the feeling that it was somehow on the cardsHmm

AnyFucker · 10/11/2014 20:13

OP, are you even trying to detach from this disgusting creature ? Or is it enough for you that you get dozens of MN'ers saying how horrible he is ? How many more name changes and attempts to get a different answer to the same questions will it take before your mental and physical health collapses completely ?

No man is worth this. No man

snowflake02 · 10/11/2014 20:20

I feel like I have been spun around so many times I don't know where the exit is anymore. Of even if i should head for it once I manage to find it.

I am embarrassed to still be here asking questions, I am sorry. I just didn't want everyone to automatically say it was odd behaviour because of the background.

AnyFucker · 10/11/2014 20:21

The background is relevant, love. But his behaviour is vile and damaging no matter what

and it's not going to stop

GoatsDoRoam · 10/11/2014 20:21

It's manipulation and control.

Rape… well, obviously about control and domination.
Tattling on you to your parents… an attempt to get you back into line by referring to your 'superiors'

He's a manipulative nasty crackpot weirdo sinister man.
Hopefully you will soon be able to fully absorb this truth, and take action (to leave).

AnyFucker · 10/11/2014 20:22

and all of it is designed to make you feel as if you are in a fog

the only way to clear your head is to get out from under him

HangingInAGruffaloStance · 10/11/2014 20:24

It is odd behaviour even with no background.

Don't feel sorry about posting multiple times, but try not to let mumsnetting distract you from dealing with the reality.

There is a background. He raped you. Maybe you need to focus less on him and his actions, and more on why you think so little of yourself that you would want to be in a relationship with this man. Even if he is sorry, or wants things to work, it doesn't make him different. He is still the person who could treat you like this.

You deserve more. Hopefully you will come to see this.